Does your spouse monitor you because of your MI?

I grew up with a mother who had anxiety and depression. It was never acknowledged at the time and it's only recently I realised the full impact it had on me and my own mothering/sense of self.

This is not a therapy session for me so I won"t go into depth but in adulthood neither me nor my sister have had a straightforward relationship with her. We have an easier relationship with our father. We love her and as mature adults understand that things were not easy for her, both of us have had struggles with depression and we have both learned a lot from our mother's experience. We are aware of our struggles, we do not try to bury them as she did. In that way I think our growing up experience was helpful.

As long as a parent is not acting out harm on a child (abusing them verbally or physically) I think it's just part of life for many of us. We aren't perfect, we have our own issues, but we try.

In my own mothering I apologise to my son if I feel I have been unfair to him or let him down. I recently (last year) opened up a dialogue with him about my depression and anxiety - he was 18 and I deemed him old enough. He was studying psychology so had an awareness, he was very open to discussing and voiced his own feelings of unfairness and unhappiness when I was struggling and not there for him as I should have been.

I feel guilt too but in having these open discussions I feel I gave him validation of his own feelings from that time and I am glad we were able to talk about it. I never had such a talk with my mother and both of us grew up thinking it must be us, we had done something wrong. I believe she has such deep shame for her struggles she is unable to break out and talk about it. As an adult I get that and I love and have compassion for her.

I don't know if any of this makes sense (just finished crazy shift at work) or is helpful in any way.

Very helpful Prefab!!

There was something going on with my mother too--I try not to speculate to much but she was very driven yet occassionally depressed. She was very much in charge of our family all of the time.

I have tried to have similiar dialogue. The guilt is more intense today because my son moved out yesterday so all the activities and conversation involved is very triggering for me but I am OK.

Thanks for always being so helpful and thoughtful.

All the while my kids saw me fighting and crying, I was telling them this was nor normal or healthy, and that I hoped they would grow up to be healthy. Yes, I feel guilt about exposing them to our dysfunction. But what else could I have done? What happened happened.

Also, I feel so guilty for missing one son's Mother's Day celebration in elementary school. I never saw the invitation. The damn teacher could have called me and I'd have run over! I picked him up and he was crying!

Broken trust is a big thing in relationships. Since I was monitored once (and lied to about it) --- I assume it is either still happening or will happen again if the person monitoring feels like they have something to gain. It is harder to be emotionally intimate in conversations. Plus, so many of the conversations I have with this person are about the person using me to collect information (Am I paranoid to think this?). The upside is that I, for the most part, I talk less now. When I talk to much, it is annoying. Though I am not completely cured; over the weekend, when I felt defensive about things I was being questioned about, I started talking about all kinds of things at once. When I really don't want to talk about something I tend to talk more and my conversations are harder to follow because I talk about multiple things at one time. I am a terrible liar but a natural deflector. But if you can get the other person to talk, you learn so much more!!

No, you are not paranoid to think it. Think of what you write as 'Exhibit A' in the court room. Your opponent may use it and distort it any way they can.

I've been posting all my stuff because I am just fine with defending my life, bring it!

Yes, I believe you would--I like your spunk!

I think when we know what we think & exactly why it is much easier to defend ones self. Before I had the DBT group for 2 years 3+ hoyrs a week, I didnt have the words or even the understsnding of myself to be able to defend in a way that was solid which was why I always fought. I knew something was wrong I just didnt have the analytical knowledge to explain & express it in understandable words but then again I hadnt realized that I had grown up with parents & married a guy who were incapable of reasonable conversation either.....but now I have learned how to express myself in a straight forward way it really helps to not get into situations like that. Also seeing the BIG picture helps to, less chance they can throw something at you that you arent prepared for.

I have made a lot of progress in this regard but still have room to grow.

Because of your past experiences and kindness--you always give very good advice. Thanks for your encouragement.

We always continue to grow in this area. Learning & doing this is constant work in progress. I Have seen YOUR PROGRESS

Today on my walk with H, he asked me what I knew about Social Security calculations so I told him the bit that I did know about how it is calculated and then I said, "If you have to take it at 62 (because he's unemployed) then that will make the decision easy for you anyways."

He said, "Not necessarily -- Now the sky is falling!" (He was implying that I was worried but I didn't have the least bit of emotion in my voice and didn't feel aggravated at all!)

So I didn't say anything else and don't feel distressed about whether or not he gets a job--lately, I just don't worry about our future finances. We'll both work if we can but so much of it is out of my hands. The two of us have had colorful work histories. I feel like I would have been more successful had I understood my mental issues better but I actually feel blessed to have figured so much out--I understand my strengths and weaknesses so much better than I used to. That's going to help me do better in any future jobs!

Yes it's very valuable to understand strengths and weaknesses, in all areas of life.

I agree it's best not to expend energy on worrying about variables about what will or will not happen. Things happen anyway whether we worry about them or not.

Okay he's not my spouse He's a man who I enjoy a relationship with. Intimate and otherwise. We are both MI. Each of us was diagnosed with bipolar. So no monitoring.

If there is one other little tidbit on info about myself that I would like to add to this thread it's that I won't ever be caught dead in a relationship with somebody who doesn't have a MI.

I won't be with somebody that doesn't know how hard it can be for somebody like me to deal with life nor will I be with somebody who can't feel my pain or know what it's like to hurt as I often do.

I would be too intimidated by somebody who is perfectly normal both mentally and physically to be able to function in a relationship with them without letting my insecurities get in the way, not to mention that I would feel utterly powerless when around such a person because I think they would have the advantage during any argument that broke out and more power in the relationship overall.

If nothing else, when I eventually become ready for a relationship, I would want somebody who is more damaged than myself; somebody with serious depression or codependency issues that is so afraid of being alone that they would put up with me no matter how bad my own issues became and would therefore, listen to me and obey me no matter what. Somebody that I have a degree of power over and not the other way around.

That would be the only logical way for me to survive in a relationship.

Besides feeling damaged, you have also spoken about how much you have and are overcoming. Hopefully, as time goes on you will think less about the traumatic parts of your life. I think a certain amount of codependency is OK and in relationships--there is always an element of taking the good with the bad. However, it is so important to be careful not to motivate people's behaviors through fear and punishment. Positive reinforcement, especially when it comes from a feeling of love will just make everyone feel so much better. I wonder how many of us became MI because anxious people were trying to control us through fear and punishment? <<hugs>>

Thanks for the kind words.

I wouldn't motivate through fear and punishment by any means but I would need to have a degree of control for me to be in a relationship, especially if I were to ever get married.

As much as I love the strong independent warrior female, two powerful personalities like that are like mixing fire and gasoline. Not to mention the fact that I am hypervigilant against betrayal and as such, I simply can't trust somebody who I deem "more powerful" than myself.

So I have anxiety and a tendency to run away from things.

In post #21 of the thread https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...o-cruel-3.html Wolfgaze advises, "A life experience that has a strong emotional impact on an individual's life can leave an energetic 'impression' upon the person, if the emotional energy that was generated was not fully processed and released. This most often happens to us during our youth/childhood whne we are less consciously developed and mentall/emotionally mature."

It is hard for me to pinpoint an experience because I have very few memories of my childhood prior to kindergarten. I was nearly six when the memories start and since my sister is 5 and 1/2 years younger/brother 10 and 1/2 years younger they were around by then. I remember being outside the most. Until we moved to the mountains, we lived in a desert town. I was able to ride my bike and swim prior to kindergarten and was always outside playing. I have vivid memories associated being outside and in nature; I usually felt freedom and peace there. At the age of 5, I remember riding my bike for long periods alone and only feeling lonely during the times I had traveled really far away. Since I was the oldest, my memories of mom are mostly of her taking care of my brother and sister plus spending a lot of time taking care of our very nice house. She was very strict about my bedtime schedule but I don't remember her tucking me in. However, whenever my dad was home, he would read to me and tuck me in. I think she loved me but was just preoccupied with the house and my younger siblings. She was a bit anxious. She was always working, our house did not have dust was very nicely decorated, had the best front and backyard in the neighborhood and we were not allowed to play in most of the rooms inside. I am sure she did these things, in part, for our benefit. When I was a bit older, I was responsible for taking care of my brother (all of the time) and my sister (only when my mom was gone). I do remember that if my brother cried for any reason, it made me feel anxious--like I was in trouble if he was unhappy even if it wasn't my fault. So I just gave him and did (entertained him constantly) everything he wanted because I was afraid of my mom's reaction. I did not treat my sister as delicately. When she was about 7 and we were were in the mountains, I took her "snipe hunting." After darkness fell, I got us 2 paper bags and 2 sticks and told her there were cute little purple creatures that only came out at night. I led her away from our house surrounded by the darkest woods. I was the one with the lantern. After leading her to a very dark place. I ran away with the light. I eventually came back. Yes, I should have been nicer than that....

So I didn't have a troubled childhood and guess I just learned my anxiety because that is what my mom taught via her example. But is was mostly a great childhood....

Wolfgaze says (rephrasing from memory/inexact quote) "look for a pattern from childhood that replays when you are an adult."

I've already figured one out. When my H and I left the military, H stayed home for a long time figuring a way to make a living from home. He wanted to be with the kids when they were very young and is an introvert so he could care less about socializing at work.

I remember feeling anxiety whenever my children were unhappy and would rush to soothe them. I couldn't stand it when they were in unpleasant situations. For instance, during the 1st semester of middle school, one of my children was having problems. Grades plus bad classroom environment with lots of troublemakers. At the time, I was a teacher so I had access to the entire districts classroom curriculum (we were literally supposed to be teaching such and such skill during X week). I knew from the questions I asked my son about what chapter are you on(?) that many of his classes were weeks behind. And I just couldn't ever handle it if my H yelled due to bad grades (My mom yelled too). So I quit my teaching job and homeschooled until I was able to find a better school. H was at home much of the time I homeschooled. I was afraid to tell him whenever the homeschooling didn't go perfectly (I was anxious that there might be yelling). (For example, when video games became a distraction.) I think that same anxious feeling I had about my mom being upset if my brother cried got activated when my H checked in on things. To bad I didn't understand the dynamic when it was happening....

I can totally understand this & presently I'm doing the same thing now.
I do things to cover for my kids so my H doesn't have a fit & yell.
Now knowing this & seeing this pattern I've started a few yrs ago what am I supposed to do about it?
I've realized that my H has actually taken on this role of my father when I was growing up. I fear him & do things to try & please him just to keep things pleasant at home.
So do I bother to fix it?
Then I wonder what I'm teaching my kids bec they see this pattern I'm sure.

I think that if I would have recognized that 75% of my anxiety was about me revisiting my anxiety from childhood and 25% was about disagreeing with H; (He also did positive things as well.) perhaps my discomfort/reaction would have been less intense. My children probably sensed my anxiety and that probably compounded the stress for them when they were "in trouble." Also, I sensed that some of my reactions were outsized and therefore buried/did not react to some of them and this compounded the personal pain I felt inside. I realize now that while my H is not perfect, I overeacted to some of his mistakes. Hopefully recognizing our fears and that our Hs and kids are not perfect but still find things we love about them is the answer. Of course, this is easier said than done. I bet we never completely get rid of all our childhood emotional reactions--we just have to recognize them, be patient with the raw feelings and try not to transfer them to others who don't deserve it. I wish I had know while my children were younger....

Yes she does and I don't mind it for the most part. The one thing I hate is when she tries to diagnose me as being either manic or depressed when its just a normal mood.

We are modeling anxiety and our children have likely absorbed some of it. I plan to talk to mine about what I posted today and talk about how some of our anxiety comes from our past. There is not something wrong with you if you are anxious--it is a reasonable reaction to a past or present event. When it is triggered by the past, we have to remember to think before reacting (or it can go badly and/or we can start terrible habits to cope).

One of my children said their formula for confronting anxiety is this:

1) Confront it even if it turns out badly--at least the confrontation ties up loose ends.
2) After that stay away from the trigger.

I've also sugar coated stuff about the kids so my h wouldn't get too mad at them. It's like men take on the role of father, and they imagine that role is being the stern disciplinarian.

I marvel at anyone who can homeschool. I could never.

My ex would spy on me all the time, and is still cyber stalking me. It wasn't really due to my MI, had way more to do with the fact that she is just a horrible person. And points out how bad my MI was that I put up with her and her constant abuse for so long.

Does she stalk you on PC? (or FB?)

My H is NOT a horrible person. He seemed slightly angry today (I have an oversized gut reaction to anger) but in retrospect, he was a bit angry because he was concerned about something that caused me a lot of anxiety today. He's very protective of me and I need all the help I can get!