[sinking]

There’s this guy far away in another country… we’ve met online in 2001. We’ve always kept in touch through these years, even though often months would pass without exchanging a word. When we were talking, we liked to fantasize about being together, getting married and having kids. At the beginning i was more serious than now. I fell in love, then not, then yes again, then not again etc…. To the point i dont know anymore. It all still seems just fantasy. We’ve met in person only once but we didnt dare to even kiss…

Now, i was thinking about visitng him in his country (just for the trip itself and see if there might be something between us) while he was planning on coming in my country this fall and staying for about a month. We’ve talked about living together in a rented flat during his visit. This is becoming real and its scaring me more than i thought.

Problem is, i know myself pretty well and even though i like to imagine myself “settled down”, the thought of living with someone scares and disgusts me. Putting aside kissing (which i dont like) and having sex (could easily do without it), sleeping with someone, im not sure i could do that. I hate hearing people breathing, let alone snoring. Then… i would not have my alone time, my space anymore? How can i do without it???? Being always with someone? Having to talk? To touch and be touched? Always having to account for everything to him? and what if i cant stand him? im so used to being alone…. Maybe its too late for me?

He is planning on coming to live here, getting a job here, marrying me etc. and im not sure i’d want it even if only in my fantasies… what am i doing? And what am i doing to him?
For me its easier since i plan on dying anyway… if it goes bad i can kill myself and if it goes well i can kill myself too…. This is what is going on in my head…. What am i doing? Living two parallel lives… ???

One step at a time…. writing this im realizing it would be wiser for me to go visit him for a few days and see how it goes… but i dont even know how to tell him, he would be mad and disappointed because he is so confident it will all go greatly. i cant ruin his plans???

I know this all may sound crazy and maybe it is…. He and me…. Maybe we’re crazy. Or desperate. He seems so sure of everything… but i dont know…. Part of me wants it to go well and part of me thinks it wont because…. being with people tires me and im not even meant to be happy, it is not who i am or in my plans.

Your opinions? Suggestions? I’ll appreciate any input really. Thank you

[MickeyCheeky]

I think you should try to be honest with him and tell him about your fears/insecurities..

[~Christina]

Be honest with him.

[Sunflower123]

Have a discussion with him and be honest about what you've posted here. Take care of you. Sending big hugs.

[pegasus]

You've been friends for years and there is no reason why you couldn't continue to just be friends. I would suggest that you ask him to stay in a hotel when he comes to visit, so that you can be safe and date. I wouldn't do your idea of having an apartment together just yet. Keep it safe. If he's a true friend, he will understand why this safety feature is in place. Just explain that you need to slow it down a bit and actual face to face dating would really be a good idea.

[eskielover]

You never REALLY know someone until you have dated for over a year & even then there are always new surprises (not always good ) that hit.

He seriously needs to stsy in his OWN PLACE if he does come to yoyr location. That is just common sense wisdom while getting to really know him. Just because you met once doesnt mean you really know him or how he really reacts to things IRL & over the internet people can put on any mask they want you to see.

Fantasy is what you are borh experiencing & his coming to where you live might be just talk also. Those kinds of relationships very seldom amount to one you would want to permanently end up in anyway & depending on the differences is culture between yoyr countries could make a HUGE difference in how youvget along. Differences that dont come up until after you start getting to really know each other.

I think your hesitation is really your gut feeling/intuition telling you that this whole thing isn't a wise idea & it is more important to listen to your gut feeling/ intuition than worring about "Ruining his plans". You have to live your life & that IS the only important thing you should be concerned with. Dont get involved emotionally or physically with him until you have time to really know what he is like IRL.

I knew & dated a guy for almost a year. We talked about getting married & we seemed to get along well. Just before the wedding some serious issues hit me about his personality & I wanted to call off the wedding. I got talked out of it & ended up justifying in my own mind going ahead with the wedding. I stayed 33 years in that bad marriage because I wasnt wise enough to understand those red flags & listen to my gut feeling/intuition. I finally left him for exactly the same thing I saw in those red flags 33 years earlier. When I left I asked him why he had wanted tovget married & his comment was that everyone else was & thats what youvare supposed tovdo after graduating from college. Neithed on us married with any real love for each other even thoygh we thought it was at the time but neither of us knew how to connect emotionally something I realized much later. We thought what was felt was that but were tptly wrong.

Done get involved with someone when yoyr gut feel says NO just because you woukd "hate to ruin his plans". Dont RUIN YOUR LIFE trying not to ruin his plans" how seriously unwise would that be?

[sinking]

Thank you all for your suggestions. i took your advices and told him we need to slow down and first meet even for a shorter period of time and date without living together.

he got mad as i expected. he said im giving up and talked as if i had told him i dont want to see him anymore! i told him he doesnt even listen to me and always gets mad when i dont say exactly what he wants to hear. he even said my behavior is not normal because i always change my mind at the last minute. last minute? we havent planned anything yet, not when we meet and not even where (my country or his?)! i felt he was more worried about what his parents would have thought about this "plan change" than anything else...

then i took the blame saying im scared. it is true but it was also a way to "make peace". i told him im scared of disappointing him and its true. what scares me the most though is sleeping together. not sex or anything else.... sleeping. i need my bed, my room, being alone. otherwise going to sleep becomes a nightmare.
i dont know if anyone could accept that? being together but sleeping in different rooms??? this is what scares me the most. any way to overcome this problem?

[Bill3]

he got mad as i expected.

It concerns me that he got angry about a reasonable request/plan. It is one thing to disagree and discuss it, it is another to shout you down.

i told him he doesnt even listen to me and always gets mad when i dont say exactly what he wants to hear.

This is not a good sign.

any way to overcome this problem

I suspect that many therapists would want you to gradually get accustomed to what you fear. That would require an understanding and supportive partner, or perhaps someone who would agree to sleep a your place for a while while you get accustomed to what you fear. How understanding and supportive do you think the guy you are speaking to now would be?

[eskielover]

he got mad as i expected. he said im giving up and talked as if i had told him i dont want to see him anymore! i told him he doesnt even listen to me and always gets mad when i dont say exactly what he wants to hear. he even said my behavior is not normal because i always change my mind at the last minute.

Oh my gosh!!!!

Do you want your life controlled & manipulated???? These are HUGE RED FLAGS that are telling you exactly what kind of personality you are getting mixed up with this guy.

Yea, manipulated into being a peace maker who never gets listened to & always has to manipulate everything into looking like its YOUR FAULT.

This so called relationship is a NIGHTMARE just waiting to happen if you continue on with this guy. A life of misery always being made to feel this way every time you disagree with the way he wants to do things.

I was stupid enough not to listen to the red flags I saw with the guy I ended up marrying & had a miserable marriage for 33 years. These red flags are worse than the ones I saw before my marriage. If a guy treated me like this guy treated you I would have absolutely nothing more to do with him.

You will be treated with disrespect for the rest of your life if you end up really getting involved with this guy.

any way to overcome this problem?

best way is not to get involved with this guy in the first place. Find someone who is truly sensitive & caring about your needs. Honestly, sleeping in the same bed with this guy will be the least of your nightmare problems.

[sinking]

Thank you so much for your opinions.

Yes, i know there are some red flags. He is stubborn, touchy and controlling. Plus having ocd for showering and is bipolar. But i thought that since im aware of that and still love/want him, its my choice so its ok....

Nobody is perfect and i have huge flaws too... like this sleeping problems... if he can overlook mine, i can overlook his. right? And who else would still want me with my many issues???

[divine1966]

Lots of couple maintain separate bedrooms.

Saying all that you are planning living with a man you have met only once? Bad idea. I am nit saying to break up with him but why not meet and hang out first?

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by sinking

And who else would still want me with my many issues???

This sentence right here is a bad indication because It shows you don't feel worthy and that is worrying.

Don't get me wrong, I know that an internet friendship can turn to true love but there are so many red flags in what you have written. You are unfortunately already letting this man bully you when it should be about working together. Please, please make sure that if you do meet, you do it on your terms. He stays elsewhere for your safety and I'll add, he should respect that!

[eskielover]

i know there are some red flags.

everything you have written here is a red flag.

he got mad as i expected

this is ANGER issues NOT just what you excuse it away to in order to minimize what he is doing? This is NOT JUST BEING "stubborn, touchy and controlling"

he said im giving up and talked as if i had told him i dont want to see him anymore!

this is manipulation.

he doesnt even listen to me and always gets mad when i dont say exactly what he wants to hear

this is just plain disrespect of you

he even said my behavior is not normal because i always change my mind at the last minute.

this is bullying. Everyone has the RIGHT to think better of something as time passes

then i took the blame saying im scared. it is true but it was also a way to "make peace".....
And who else would still want me with my many issues???

shows really low self-esteem of yourself. BTW your issues aren't harmful to others & aren't something that a caring person will be more than willing to work around.

But i thought that since im aware of that

you aren't even aware of what he is REALLY doing to you & you are rationalizing away his behavior with things not even close to what he is REALLY doing to you

since im aware of that and still love/want him,

you don't even really know him other that what he has allowed you to know or see but his behavior toward you is not like that of someone who loves you. It's more like someone that wants something FROM YOU & will manipulate you until he gets it & when what he wants out of you seems to be threatened he gets mad.

its my choice so its ok.

lol....lots of abused women have said the same thing.....yes, ultimately it is your choice whether a wise choice or not.

This may not be what is happening but it sure looks like it from the behaviors you describe.

Why are you so desperate to have someone that you are willing to tolerate being treated like this? It's better to work on focusing on improving your own self-esteem so that you realize you deserve to be treated & RESPECTED better than this. You aren't even together yet & he is treating you this badly.....how will he treat you when he knows he OWNS you. Will that anger become physical abuse or just increased mental abuse that you are already getting?

These are ALL things that need to be considered when red flags like this show up in a person you may be interested in getting seriously involved with.

[sinking]

Thank you, knowing that some couples maintain separate bedrooms is comforting.

i know there are a lot of red flags in this whole story. but mainly because of me.

im not good with relationships, i dont feel im made for them and maybe i should just put my mind at rest acknowledging that. but i cant help still wanting and trying to be normal, to build a family like everyone else even if it doesnt really match with my feelings.

ideally, i'd love to find a person to have a squish on. one who is asexual, aromantic and who would want to keep separate rooms. separate places would be better but not if we have kids.

maybe im just not ready yet, but given this, i wonder if someone like this exists because then, one could wonder what would be the point in being together? and i wonder this too....

[sinking]

Eskielover,

i've just read your post.... not easy to read but thank you for the reality check. at a certain level im aware of all of this... i just think, whats the worst that could happen? that we fail as a couple? ok, but at least i want to try....

i just love that he knows all my flaws and still wants me. nobody else could... if i lose him without even trying, i'll regret it. and if i lose him i'll be completely alone, with no hope at all. he gives me hope, he makes me see the future in a positive light... i love him for this...

[eskielover]

i just think, whats the worst that could happen?

maybe you should read accounts of women who married men with anger & manipulation issues & find out what the worst that could happen could be.

When anger becomes physical (& you have no idea what he is like when you are physically around him) there are women who have lost their life with men like that. We have shelters for women who end up with abusive H' here in the USA.....have no idea how your country cares for women who end up in a marriage like that.

When anger stayes as mental abuse the marriage becomes a mental prison.

i just love that he knows all my flaws and still wants me.

People like that LOVE people with flaws because they USE THEM against them & for their own benefit & use them against the person in order to manipulate them. They use the other persons low self-esteem & desperate desire to be loved by someone to manipulate them to get what they wants.

You can bet its NOT LOVE or he wouldn't treat you like he is treating you. NO ONE who TRULY loves someone would treat them this way. One way love doesn't make a quality relationship but I guess that's not really what you are looking for by what you write here.

Maybe it would be WISE for you to do some research on what abusive relationships are like & how they started before the woman found out she was right in the middle of being abused

An abusive relationship is not better than no relationship at all. Your faults aren't dangerous to him. His faults can end up being seriously dangerous to you. Is it really worth the risk? Finding out after being trapped in a marriage can be a very painful experience.

[Bill3]

Please listen to eskielover!

[divine1966]

he successfully controls and manipulates you. And he only met you once. So he shows true colors before it even starts. He doesn't even try to impress you and be on his best behavior. Don't sell yourself short

[Erebos]

Normally I am pretty laid back about this whole online relationship thing.
I will say, I met my partner online gaming, he turned out to have a very significant criminal record which still effects our lives even though the crime took place nearly 10 years ago.
This guy's behaviour is way out of line. I have been seeing my fella for a year and we still don't live together.
We still only see each other once a week, stay over once a month.
I, like you, NEED, my space. I couldn't be having someone in my space 24/7.

This guy is expecting far too much for you to waltz into living together when the truth is, you don't actually know ANYTHING about him.
Someone who loses their temper because you want to keep yourself safe, is not someone you want to get stuck with.
Please consider this very, very carefully and slow things right down.
Take care.

[Erebos]

Just one other thing, you claim he is willing to put up with your flaws, which is rubbish, he has already he has shown he has no tolerance.

First of all, Asexuality isn't a flaw, there's nothing wrong with not being sexual, my eldest daughter is like you and her boyfriend is utterly respectful of her feelings at all times.

If you realize you can't stomach sex, which could be a real possibility, do you think, given his previous behaviour he will take no as an answer, or will he shout you down until your so frightened you just do what he wants?

Because for the record, this is rape. Please consider this man's behaviour very carefully.

[MickeyCheeky]

sinking, please listen to the others. I don't think it's wise to get involved any further with this man.. please, be safe. You deserve SO much better than this. We don't want you to get hurt, or worse.

[sinking]

Thank you all for answering and caring.

I'll surely think more about what you all have said.

for now though he is not contacting me, i guess what i have said about my sleeping issues upset him and i cant blame him.

i think i wont contact him, so that i'll have more time to think....

thank you all again

[eskielover]

I guess what i have said about my sleeping issues upset him

His ANGER was because you didnt let him control you not because of your sleeping issues.

He didnt like the fact that you wouldnt allow him to come & stay in your house with you at this point in the relationship when he wanted to play house with you & GET A FREE PLACE to stay. Which was totally unwise & taking advantage of your feelings toward him.

You may think it was your sleeping issues because you feel that was what was behind your decision but in reality no one with wisdom would let a guy they dont really know come & live in the same house with them like that. His behavior is what isnt NORMAL or considerate of a woman they care about. Guys who truly love you will care about you & your reputation & not just USE YOU to get what they want.

NO his reason for being mad had NOTHING TO DO WITH your sleeping issues & he is probably using the silent treatment to manipulate you more to get you to come around to doing what HE WANTS YOU TO DO.

Dont allow yourself to be open to manipulation like that. You are worth more than the way you are being treated by him especially at this really early point in the relationship. Abuse only gets worss, never better when that abusive person is sure that what they are doing is just fine & trying to place the blame on you.

You will be bettwr off if he doesnt call back but as I said this silence is usually just a form of manipulation to get you to come around to do what he wants from you.