relationship virgin in my 30is

hello everyone, im new here on the website, so ill try to intro myself and my issues hope it will not be overr detailed, and youll be able to bare with me
im 33yo woman, and im mentaly healthy apart from mild depression issues, i had since 18yo but nothing severe.
my problems has alwyas been about love and sexualiy. ive had a too much wild teenage life, drinking and having drunk sex and anxious around men.
at 18 ive had a short term relationship (2 months) which really traumatised me, and led me to behave very casually with men, and always runing away and chasing games. so ive dated allot , but things always ended up around 1-2 moths. i had also quiet some casual sex back than.
around 23 i basicaly decided to becaome asexual or not have any romantic life. bcs i felt its just keeps me from being stable, and i wanted to focus on my career, which i decided to be a dancer.
around 29 i started seeking more romantic contacts, and dated some ppl, but again it always ended quite fast.
i do have some confidence about being atractive, bcs i did get attention from men, but i was always ashamed of being a relationship virgin, and this was a skeleton in my closet, that im sure will turn ppl off, or make them feel heavy about being my first bf.
2 years ago, i met someone and after being friends for short, we decided to be togather, but i found that i cant be atracted to him sexually bcs im really sensitive to his body smell.
so now my situation: i met someone online, 7 months ago, and we started dating, he was really after me and into me in the fisrt 3 months, but honestly i didnt see so much into him, and i thought he would be nice guy to spend some time with, and work thruogh some sex issues with, bcs i was struggling after years of celibal.. than i kind of started to like him and feel good around him, but still i didnt feel like seeing more than once a week, and our main activity togather is in bed- but its not kind of autistic isolated sex session, its very warm and intimate, hes a wonderful and caring lover, i feel he really is excited to give me pleasure, and honestly curious to get to know what i like. i feel allot of bliss when we are togather in bed.
but in other areas its less harmonic, as i was pushing him away at the beginning as he wanted to get close too fast, and i was also a bit *****y to him, when he didnt understand stuff i was telling him about, he got hurt, and he became a bit withdrawn in the last 3 months.. it came to a point that he didnt show up to my final show of my studies, and i got angry, and than i understood he was hurt by me and couldnt express it.
i apologised, but im still angry and insulted, as i feel its hard for him to relate to my world, and often, i feel he just listen to me to be polite.
as the first months he was so into me, i never had the need to discuss our "status" of the relationship, we just never spoke about those stuff, bcs i do have allot of shame about being a relationship virgin, but also i wanted to keep dating other guys, so it was comfortable for me to avoid commitment topic.
i also now that he got out of a 6y relatioship which broke his heart totaly, the breakup happend 7/8 months before we met, and he is still not over it.
but in the last 2 months my feelings changed, and i feel like getting to know him, meet his friends, let him meet mine, get involved in eachothers lives etc
about a week ago, before i went on 3 week holiday bymyself, i decided to tell him i want commitment.
it took allot of courage and i told him that ive never been in a relationship longer than 2-3 months, but that we have been dating since 6 months and i want to have a commited relationship in my life, and i need to know if he has the same vision? he said very easily and confidently that he is also wants to be commited to me, and he anyway dosnt like ONS and he is always faithful and never cheated on a woman. BUT he started talking about his ex, and he shifts between anger and hate of how she dumped him to talking about how lovely she was and that he loved her truelly and deeply and he was sure that he will spend his life with her. hes obviuosly still inlove with her.
and he told me i want to be commitet to you, bcs i like you but i dont love you. and also he said- if you would ask me very officialy to be you BF i would maybe be afraid, bcs i never had this timing that a new GF comes so fast after the other. than i asked well why being commited to me dosnt scare you but the title BF does? and i said to him well the titles dosnt matter to me so much (which is a lie bcs to DOES matter to me! but i felt i cant push him to it, so i rather not make an issue, but i am concerend about allot)
so now im confused, bcs im on holiday without him, and after this "relationships talk" he did make some ideas about future plans, like camping on his bday, or joining me when i travel back home, or leting his mom do some sewing of my clothes etc...
BUT he does mention his ex casually in conversation, (not every minute, but relativley often) which makes me really jealous!
and i feel i have allot of tension inside, and more than ALL, im becoming obsessed with my thoughts about him, going over in my head about our past talk, and obsessing on details.
i dont know how i shifted from not carring so much about him, and even not appriciating him, to being so obssesed, i cry allot, bcs i realise that for so many years i have suppressed my need and wish for intimecy, and im so ashamed at making the baby steps of a 18yo when im approaching 34yo.
from one side he is really a caring person, and does like to give, and i really admire that, but i feel the passion and admiration he had for me are fading away, and i now want to be with him more, but i feel anxious and scared to scare him away...
my qustions are:
1. how do i recognise my own feelings? you would say when you cry allot over someone - you must be inlove,but i suspect that there is allot of ego issues of mine involved, and i need to get my feeling strait..
2.what to understand about his behaviour and words about commitment but no bf title??
3. I want to get to know him more, but im afraid that im getting more attached to him, or even falling in love, when it seems that he is still inlove with his ex. It hurts me to think I wont be able to be intimate with him now…
4. I am scared that my lack of experience in relatioships will turn him off, which is my deepest wound and reason for shame
*I am in psychotherapy, and I did consult my friends, but I the relief I get from taling is just for a moment and than I get the thoughts running fast again…

THANK you so much for reading so far, i could really need some advice from your own experience!

Well at some point you have to try longer relationships. Ask him if he could talk about his x less.

have a serious sit down with him before you go forward, be open with him so that he can be open to you... if you can't tell/open up to him about your insecurity about long term relationships, then how can you see yourself being with him ?
second, ask him how does he truly feel about his ex? if he can bring time back, will he fix things between them ? if the answer is yes, then yeah his ex is a huge deal for him still...
if he wants to commit but no titles, can mean many things ... the moral is that he wants to commit, want you to be there, but maybe afraid to put titles since his ex sorta just left him
and you shouldn't shame yourself for not being a relationship expert... maybe it was never your priority, while partying was your thing, some people are the complete opposite of you, it's how we're made

hey momo, thanks for answering! well he we did have that serious sit down, and he was VERY honest about hiis ex, and its cristal clear that she IS a huge deal to him! he said " i know i need to recover from the illusion that its not over"!!!! what would you understand from that??? the second after, he so angry at her, and once refuse to meet her bcs he could never forgive her! second after, he actually called to meet her a month ago, bcs she had some health issues and wanted to see her, (i know it was before our commitment talk which was last week, BUT he didnt tell me!)
well, at least he did tell her hes seeing someone...
your question is indeed interesting, about what he could do differently, but i think he does see himslef as a victim, that she just dumped him bcs hes a musician and he dosnt earn much money.
about me- i dont know what my general fear of long term will actually reveal more to him?its kinda vague... i could offcourse say more about it, to get his empahty, and thats is sure important. but i actually imgine my relationship with him for the next year or two-i do not imagine myself starting a family with him- but i am honestly curious to see what happens to me when i stay with someone longer than 6 months, and how my perspective changes, and how i actually see a person beyond the outside leyers, and they see me...
does that make sense?

hey Teddy thank for answering, i do want to try longer relationships, just im ashamed of my "virginity", and that it will turn poeple off..

Good for you. Please don't be embarrassed about just starting to think about long term relationships. Age doesn't matter. Society gives us these "norms" or one size fits all progression stages that are not helpful. My mom is 82 and just recently engaged. You are just fine. He does sound like he is still in the process of healing from his ex. I wish you the best of luck.

He told you he doesn't love you. I think honestly after that I'd see no point to keep seeking him. I think in the future when you meet someone don't have sex right away. Get to know them first. Sex can wait. If he doesn't want to wait then he is wrong for you. I think you will eventually have serious relationdjips but you need to stop making it about sex. Get to know people. And often if relationship starts in bed, that's where it stays.

hy divine, thank you for your answer! i didnt have sex with him right away, we dated about a month and a half before the first kiss! which all my friends were amazed of how long it took. and i dont expect also from my self to love someone so fast. i am not in love with him yet, but i do want to get to know him, and see if feelings can develop. do you know poeple nowadays that wait for a love decleration before going to bed???

hey jenifer, thank you! but what would you think about the not loving me statment, im not yet in love with him (i think) but declaring that is another position,dont you think? its a message. im just so clueless about what to expect from any relationship, bcs of my lack of experience, and this frustrates me allot...

Yes. My husband and I did. It's not that declaration itself was important but rather the fact that we had feelings for each other way more than just liking.

Of course I am not saying you must always wait. But if you have trouble with serious relationships you might want to focus on other things first.

You said you see him once a week and your main activity is being in bed. That certainly doesn't strike me as serious deep and meaningful connection. I doubt you'd develop deep feelings if your main activity is sex.

That's what I am trying to say look for people with whom you have enough in common besides sex. You likely don't have much in common with this guy or you'd two be doing more than sex, see each other more and engage in variety of activities.

PS I think it's ok to wait longer to develop feelings, but if a person verbatim declares that he doesn't love you, it's very unlikely this story has any future.

dear divine, thank you for your words. its a bit more complicated, in the first 3 months ive been the one keeping him at bay, i kinda thought his a bit of a loser, and he didnt seem too inteligent. but you know what? i realised i was projecting a whole lot of my own issues about him, and basically just being afraid bcs he was REALLY interested, and i felt he puts me on a pedastal, and has a fantasy about me, and beleiving, that when he gets closer he'll sure be disapointed. and i also was kinda embarresed to show him around my friends, when i was so unsure about him, and also bcs i do have some social anxiety when it comes to dating, so i wanted to keep this relationship in the shadows. i know its my complex.

the thing with my relationships problems, my problem is that im ashamed of not ever having a longterm boyfreind, i feel awful to open it to someone ive just met, and i have the fear it will scare them away or turn them off. so i dont really know how to develop a conection with someone, which is romantic but isnt sex.

after reading your comment, it really struck me, how ive denied it from myself, although i actually very much feel like you, that declraing "i like you but i dont love" smells like hes trying to warn me DO NOT get hopes up. and im now angry at my self for letting this pass and behave after like its all good!my problem is that i have absolutly zero trust of my own judgment (bcs i just want already to have bf, and someone to like me, at least) and i cant be constantly connected to a forum online or freinds or my shrink to figure out what i should feel, so im losing hope of ever being an adult mature woman (when it comes to love) bcs i started to late, and i feel too tired to start the process 15 years too late. you see what im saying? i honestly feel like giving up again, been crying again, and i feel lonely although i spoke to my mom and she was very supportive

ok this is going to sound childish but maybe you don't realize how CUTE it is that you're a relationship virgin and would LOVE to start get this part of your life rolling with this man, he should feel special if anything ....

If i had a girl like you I would be like Awwwwww at everything you do....
maybe you're afraid that you might screw up due to lack of experience, but he should be understanding that you're not used to this and are willing to explore that part of your life with HIM! ... it's basically like telling him " hey, no one has
captivated me like you in the past years" .. you think he'll be turned off if you rephrase it like that to him, instead of "hey i have no idea what to do in a relationship"

dear momo, thank you for your words! it is so good to hear that for some ppl it can be a turn on!! but he is not acting like awwwwwww at everything i do...(i mean its only 2 weeks since i told him, and now im on holidays away from him for some weeks, but i did expect that after confessing to him about it, he will act like awwwww, but he dosnt).
did you see the the response of @divine? dont you agree that in the light of his "i like you but i dont love you" decleration its seems like a waste of energy to stay with him??? also that now i feel like being involved in his life more, but as i wrote in the original post, for a while - and honestly more bcs of me- we used to meet once a week and the main activity we shared was in bed... i honestly feel its almost impossible to reverse the nature of our contact to something more emotionaly connected...dont you agree? i feel more and more that im now too much attached to him emotionally bcs of our amazing sex, but the life intimecy is very very poor. and what puzzels me the most, is the fact that i became obssesive about him, and i feel depressed and lost appetite, and im ashamed infront of my friends and family about how this situation caught me to the deep of my core. im really down. im on holidays and struglling to try and enjoy myself, which makes me resent him even more.

I bet you anything i'm more miserable than you, it's not a competition but yeah i'm posting an issue of mine on a new thread

and no when someone says i like you, i dont love you, it's pretty normal... you 2 didnt spend a whole lot of time together and that's how things start out, you're comfortable, then u like the person, and then fall in love. he is just an honest guy telling you he isnt in love with you now... alot of guys would tell you they love you and what not just to get something out of you... so appreciate his honesty, or try to atleast

im sorry to hear your struggling, i posted a comment on your thread.

offcourse i agree its normal to not yet be inlove, i also am not yet in love with him (i think). BUT saying that, like that so bluntly, means hes trying to sent a mesage through, sth like - dont get any hopes up... im NO expert, but i think when you have warm feelings to someone and your not yet in love, but you do aim for the feelings to grow and become deeper, you dont declair that! unless you want to scare the other person away... maybe its a cultural thing, he is german and he does tend to be over honest and direct in some moments- i do appriciate hes honesty. but he also knows very well to hide things he dosnt want me to know (like the facts that he smokes also tabaco, which he knows i hate the smell of. it took me 5 months to accidently find that out. which is no biggy, its a small white lie, who cares)..so you get my point, hes not a total naive...

Well I can only share with you what I would do if someone said they did not love me and obviously were not over their ex: I would not date them.

As a matter of fact, something similar happened to me. Many years ago someone I was dating said I was not the one for her. Nevertheless, we continued to date...until "the one for her" came along.

hey Bill, thank you for your comment. i dont know if youve read the whole thread, but i wrote about our situation, that im a very responsible side to the very partial connection that we build so far. so in total we have been dating only 7 months, and im not yet in love with either, dont you think its normal that falling in love can take longer?
my problem is that im super anxious bcs this is the longest relationship ive had so far in my life, and im feeling clueless about my own perspective. i didnt imagine at the begining that id ever feel sth for him at all, so this is a big surprise for me... and i honestly dont know how to act

It's not normal to tell people "I don't love you". Frankly it's rude and mean. If you aren't in love, but think you might eventually get there, you might say that you aren't sure yet where it's going, you want to get to know them better or something. I am yet to meet a person who would just say "I don't love you" unless intent is to let you know there is no future there or to hurt you. And mind you I am very blunt, yet that's not normal (or normal in a sense of letting you know he is not that into you)

Please don't disrespect yourself by hanging on to this dude. There are others out there. You deserve better. And don't worry about not having experience. You can always tell people that you were busy with other things and didn't have time to seriously date much.

You feel anxious because this relationship is wrong for you. If it was warm and loving connection, you wouldn't be anxious. Get rid of him imho

thank you bill, you do have a point, about not saying it. i would also not say it unlees i want the other to lower their expectations. but what confused me is that he did say i like you but .. AND that he did very surely and with no doubt wanted to commit too me!! and after that talk had ideas to vcations togather and etc... what do you think?

ooops! i did mean to write thank you divine )) not bill..

Yes falling in love can take longer. Even so, I agree with divine. It means something when a person says "I don't love you". When people show you who they are, believe them.

thank you again for all your words and attention!
but what about the fact that he wanted without ANY doubt to commit to me??? and making vacation plans etc.. like i emphesize before, i have been for the first 4 month emotionaly kinda distant to him, and its dawned on me a bit unexpectedly that i actually do like him... ughhhh i feel like im trying to convince all of you (and myself) to be more tolerance. i also dont have high hopes. and it does for sure mean sth when he says i like you but dont love you..but its also very honest, which is a quality in him that i really admire..uffffffffff im going crazy

thank you again for all your words and attention!
but what about the fact that he wanted without ANY doubt to commit to me??? and making vacation plans etc.. like i emphesize before, i have been for the first 4 month emotionaly kinda distant to him, and its dawned on me a bit unexpectedly that i actually do like him... ughhhh i feel like im trying to convince all of you (and myself) to be more tolerance. i also dont have high hopes. and it does for sure mean sth when he says i like you but dont love you..but its also very honest, which is a quality in him that i really admire..uffffffffff im going crazy

People vacation together for plenty of reasons. Love and commitment aren't required for vacationing together. It doesn't have any deep meaning. It is just a vacation.

I have no idea why he proclaims commitment if he doesnt love you, doesn't know you well and frankly his main experience with you is just sex. People say and do strangest things. I don't see much point in analyzing this guy. He could mean 100 things by it or he might be just talking. Perhaps by commitment he means he will not sleep around. Who knows. But generally speaking a man who is serious about you and actually is committing will have way more going on than just sleeping together. He'd be asking you places and taking you to do things etc There will be a variety of experiences and he wouldn't rudely announced that he doesn't love you.

Usually analyzing people is pointless because you'll never find the answers. You can only analyze your own actions.

yes by commitment he means not sleeping with others. well i also want to commit but im not yet in love with him. the commitment is the gate for that, and the ground for love to develop...he does often invites me to see his gigs (hes a musician), or if he hears about my other plans he suggests to join. i have been less of cooporating on socialising for the first 4 months, bcs i thought hes a loser (i also used to give him critical remarks) so he kinda learned the lesson...now its me that caught myslef, and realised i was a *****. and that its was all my projections and anxiety of closeness..you see what i mean?