I just want to be loved.

From what I've read from your posts this is my opinion. I've been in this kind of situation before. It's like you either love me or I'll disappear. These guys are weird. They want to use you as an option. They don't love you. They just treat you like a piece of crap. I've had a long distance relationship where it was on/off relationship but he'd tell me that it's friends with benefits. Oh it'll be official when we kiss but he didn't kiss me on the lips. He had ptsd so I don't know if that plays a part. Even typing this really hurts, it hurts to be played and messed about with. I was too deluded and kept contacting him and that let me being strung along. He even dated girls while he kept talking to me. You shouldn't really force a guy to love you. If he doesn't like you, you should let him go. save your self respect and dignity. You are better than that.

I don´t feel sad by him calling me inferior/slut etc. In my mind i hear something loving when he says that. I don´t know if that´s because i´m twisted or because he "programmed" me to view those things as normal and as praise, almost. But it does make me very sad that he doesn´t let me call me by his name. That when we "sext" he never shows me his face even. That he says our interactions need to be secret. That makes me cry. I´m so dependent on him.

I´ve been to therapy in the past but not right now, currently...I kind of wish i were. I´m going a bit crazy. I switch between hating the way he acts with me, thinking he has bad intentions, to loving him and thinking he´s amazing and the best person in the whole world. Maybe i have BPD, i don´t know. I should sort this out. With therapy...

Yes, I highly recommend seeing a therapist. You have low self-esteem and self-worth. You are mistreating and disrespecting yourself and need to value yourself SO much more than you do. Your thinking is very faulty on this. He is using and abusing you, and you are seeing it as acts of love. Your thinking needs to be corrected and reversed. I really think a therapist would help you. Again, I highly recommend severing this relationship. You are only hurting yourself.

Wow that is horrible. I feel for you. You are not a slut, I assume you are a lovely person. It's horrible being dependent on someone for love. It will take time but I think no contact is the only way to get yourself back on track and loving yourself again.

You are dependent on him for attention not love because you are receiving abuse from him NOT LOVE.

You seriously need a good T right now because your mind is playing all kinds of tricks on you because you are so desperate for the kind of attention & the sexting which makes you feel loved when in reality you are just being used & abused NOT loved.

Sex does NOT EQUAL love....never has, NEVER will.

You need serious work on your self-worth & self-esteem before you will ever have a truly successful relationship with any guy. Most times low self-worth & low self-esteem attracts guys that use & abuse you just like this if not worse. You deserve so much better for your life.

Thanks for addressing my question and responding sincerely...

Do you feel like your 'strict' father was emotionally distant and failed to openly express love/affection for you (at least at times of your life)? If so, could this have created a void (sense of lacking) inside and influenced you to seek out attention from other older men (online)? You were still an adolescent when you started experiencing these adult men mistreating and abusing you. This would contribute to an individual developing a very distorted (inaccurate) perception of what genuine love/affection/caring really is - and a distorted self-image and sense of self-worth. Now you are older and find yourself continuing to be drawn to male figures who disrespect you and do not show you any genuine love/caring - males who take advantage of you and use you for their selfish interests/desires. You do not deserve to be treated this way - no one does! You will never find what you are deeply longing for by continuing to engage in these types of abusive relationships. Do you want to continue following a path that cannot lead you to your desired destination? Do you want to help yourself, or remain in your current state/condition/mindset where you continue to feel incomplete and unfulfilled? If you want to help yourself, then you must make an effort to alter and change the current manner in which you are perceiving. I would respectfully encourage you to focus on any and all emotional wounds that are tied/connected to your relationship with your father. And if you can find a quality therapist in your area, it could be really beneficial to have someone to support you and help you navigate your way through this.

Please go back to your previous thread and read it though.... Especially the part where you agreed that him coming to visit would be a BAD idea!

I read through all what you so thoughtfully wrote, thank you. I think (like many people in this thread suggested) that i should definitely see a therapist. I hope it´s okay i saved your message just so i can remember certain points i might want to bring up with the therapist.

I used to be in therapy before, when i also was together with this man. My therapist did not like our relationship but it´s almost worse now.

I´m scared of saying anything bad about him. I don´t want to be mean. Even when i feel hurt i make sure to end my writing with "but he´s amazing and i love him"
I´m a bit worried he´ll find me on here. But i´m using a private browser so i don´t think he will.
So i´ll just write it here. Finally. All the anger and my true opinion of him.

He used to be sweet, yeah. But even when he was sweet he was controlling. What he is doing is bad, and he´s not clueless about it. I KNOW he knows what he is doing to me, and i know he knows it´s bad. He used to talk about how noble he strived to be. Well, now he is the ****ing opposite of noble. What he´s doing is hurtful and wrong and he knows i´m dependent on him. ****, i wish he had the nobility to stop doing this to me.

people like that never change. The nice at the beginning was him just trying to draw you in like a spider with its web. Once he knew he had you he went for you like a fly trapped in his spider web.

Unlike the fly in the spider web you are human & humans are capable of having strength to walk away from situations like that & not just sit there hoping that spider will change his ways & love you instead of keeping you trapped in his web.

The only one who can get you out of this is YOU & walking away. But you are not capable in the condition you are in right now to do this which is exactly why yku need therapy to learn how to gain yoyr self-worth to grow strong enough to walk away from this crap you are involved in & this horrible person who will never do anything but continue to use you. This is who & what he has been all along, you just weren't wise enough to see it because your other issues masked the truth.

His technique if coming across sweet & caring at the beginning is exactly the way many of the child molestors behave. They draw the child in by being nice then once they have the childs trust they start doing things to them thst are horrible but becausevthe child has learned to think the person is nice they trust the person will do nothing to hurt them but only is doing what they are doing because the person actuallybcares about them & loves them. Thus is typical behavior & has nothing to do with how they really feel about the person

The technique used is very similar to that of what child molestors do to draw in the chikdren they abuse :

YOU have the power to stop him from doing this to you by severing ties and by walking away. You are not powerless. Be strong..... know what you deserve and know that it's far better. This is abusive, and you are allowing it. By being dependent on him, you are weakening yourself. Nothing he is doing is noble. HE is not noble. Please stop thinking he is so amazing. He is nothing but a dirt bag, a wolf in sheep's clothing. See him for who he truly is.

since when is protecting yourself being mean....its called SELF-DEFENSE. If I have to harm someone in SELF-DEFENSE its NOT being mean they are just getting what they deserve & whst they asked for because they treated me in a way that required me to respond that way. All he cares about is what he gets from you of it wouldnt be done in secret. NOTHING virtuous is ever done in secret like that.

Any DECENT relationship is an equal partnership with equal respect & equal love....that is not what you are involved in & it will NEVER be that way.

The only way for you to stop this is to cut all connections.

What are you REALLY getting out of this relationship that makes you refuse to let go?

I´m not sure if this makes any sense but i´ll try to explain why i am with him even though he does not make me happy. At all.
It´s like i´m obsessed with him. Like my brain is completely stuck on this one person. We met when i was 16, i was in a bad place and i viewed him as my savior. He viewed himself a my savior too. I think he actually had good/normal intentions at first, but he let it go to his head. He says he like control and power which is completely okay, many people like bdsm. But i have actually told him that i don´t want bdsm things, i just want normal relationship things.
I´m scared of being alone. I´ve tried to break up with him twice, in the past. One time because my gut feeling told me so, i changed my mind an hour after i did it. Could not take the guilt. Second time it was because i was a bit scared of being intimate with him. It ended up with us having sex and not breaking up after all.
I really should go to therapy....I was evaluated by one a few months ago, and she sent me home and said i was completely fine.

Yes, do go to therapy. You need a professional's guidance here, and regular meetings to help you see your worth as a person.

I liked the comparison to a child molester. This person gained your trust by initially being nice and by being your savior. My ex fiance was nice in the beginning too, before he abused me. I falsely believed he was a good person because he lifted me up when I was down and helped me get past a previous breakup, with another abusive man. He is NOT a good person at all -- he abused me, used me and lied to me. Your situation is no different.

Thank you for your explanation spidy

just FYI, there is no way that a perspn who is into bdsm & is into power & control especially with a 16 year old ever had GOOD intentions. He had his manipulating intentions just like the child mollester techniques but he could get away with it easier over the internet because it was even LESS obvious to anyone around you especially if you didnt have parents who cared enough to MONITOR your internet use.

He did the TYPICAL manuever..make her think Im noce & caring to get her into my web & once I have her, wham....got her stuck in my web....he knew how to make you his & you bejng young & totally inexperienced didnt even see it coming.

At his age, he knew EXACTLY what he was doing with you from the beginning.

You need a good T who wont just send you home as being normal. You need help not only with self-esteem & self-worth but you also need someone willing to hold you accountable for getting out of this situation & most of all learning how to be FIRM in your communication of NO & following through with it. Most of the time it does take a caring person or T to keep reminding us during the time we are battling to stop a relationship especially when we dont quite totally get ALL that is wrkng with it & how bad it is REALLY affecting our life & our future. We need good suppirt to be able to STAND STRONG against things like this & its obvious your parents arent the support to you that you have ever needed. You seem like you are on your own to deal with messy things in your life & you desperately need STRONG REAL CARING SUPPORT & GUIDANCE at this to get your life back onto a normal track for someone your age so that you can have what you desire for your own life & stop living ONLY to please someone elses desires that takes absolutely NO CONSIDERATION for yours. Learning to stand strong against someone who has programmed these thoughts into your mind over the years is NOT EASY & takes a good T to stand by you & work through all this that you have been programmed to believe in your life.

I value your input a lot, i feel like i´ve gained a new perspective. I need to clarify though, that this guy is the same age as me, not older. (or just one year older) we met when we were both 16-17 on a bdsm chat forum. Now i am 18.

I would not say i have a very good support system, which is partly my own fault. I do live at home and my parents care about me, but i do not share things with them. Our relationship is very "stiff". I had close friends in the past that tried to get me to leave this guy. Eventually they got frustrated and gave up. When i went to therapy previously i worked a bit on being more assertive. We even did roleplay where i practiced saying no firmly to my therapist. I would like that again, because last time i did not fully manage.

I´m so exhausted and confused. I can´t fix this and i don´t even know what is happening. I want to solve and fix everything on my own, but i´m so tired and i´m getting more and more tempted to fix it so that i am not alive anymore.

Gosh sorry for clogging my own thread but i should say. I don´t think that Sir is like a sadist psychopath or anything. I think he is a confused young adult, and he does not even know how he happened to be in this position. I have abused him emotionally in the past, and he has not healed from that at all.