I just want to be loved.

I love this person. We are sort of in a relationship, but not a traditional one.
I crave love. So much. I just want to be loved, held, given flowers. Presented to family and friends by my partner.
Having him proudly kiss me in public. Having them text me good morning and good night, having them tell me they love me often. I don´t know why, but i crave this so much. And it makes me very sad.

He does not love me, i don´t think. I tell him i love him and he never says it back. I do not know if he will ever start loving me either. I want to be loved, but i don´t want to ever leave this person.

I´m so stuck. It´s making me sad, making me feel left out and cold. What do i do? There´s nothing i can do, is there?

So a few questions for you:

1. how long have you been with him and at what point, how soon did you say you love him?

2. If it's been a long time together, why would you never want to leave someone who doesn't love you back or reciprocate?

3. If you want love so badly, wouldn't you want to be with someone who reciprocates that love?

Have you ever told him all this?
What's your relationship like? You don't seem happy to me. Love sucks if it's not a mutual feeling. If I was in your place, I would talk to him honestly first.
If he really can't respond to your feelings, why would you force staying in a broken relationship?

Hi Spidytolerate, it sounds like, by what you said, that you think you shouldn't feel the way you feel (desiring a partner who loves you, craving intimacy, respect, adoration). I got this from when you said "I don't know why, but I crave this so much." I might be wrong about my interpretation. But I hope you know that it's ok to want these things and its incredibly natural and human of you.

The fact that he is not returning your love and affection, and you feel stuck. Why do you feel stuck? Why do you want to stay with this person? I hope you do what you feel is best. I don't know if you will like it but I can tell you I think you'd be better off alone than with someone who doesn't see your worth. Learn to see your own worth. It is a long road. Date other people. It's a hard thing to do, it sounds like, for you. I wish you peace and returned love. I hope you keep posting.

I´ll try to give more context, but it´s fairly...complicated. We´ve been together for over 2 years, long distance. He ended the relationship a year ago (because i was mentally ill) but we are still talking frequently and doing sexual things.
I think we just want...different things, it seems. It makes me rather sad whenever i ask him if we can watch a movie or i express loving emotions, and he´s distant. Maybe i should let go...But he says he likes me. Hoping that can turn into something more again.

(sorry to anyone reading this thread, i´ll be repeating some of the information because i want to reply to people individually)

My relationship with him is complicated. We used to be together, but he broke up (valid reasons) now we´re....friends with benefits i´d call it. It´s not making me happy at all, but i don´t want to break it off because well, i love him! Gosh, bad as it sounds, i wish i could control peoples emotions sometimes.

I like this quote... Perhaps you will find it to be relevant:

"The near enemy of love is attachment. Attachment masquerades as love. It says, “I will love this person because I need them.” Or, “I’ll love you if you’ll love me back. I’ll love you, but only if you will be the way I want.” This isn’t love at all – it is attachment – and attachment is rigid, it is very different from love. When there is attachment, there is clinging and fear. Love allows, honors, and appreciates; attachment grasps, demands, needs, and aims to possess. Attachment is conditional, offers love only to certain people in certain ways; it is exclusive. Love, in the sense of metta, used by Guatama, is a universal, non-discriminating feeling of caring and connectedness. We may even love those whom we may not approve of or like. We may not condone their behavior, but we cultivate forgiveness. Love is a powerful force that transforms any situation. It is not passive acquiescence. As Guatama said, “Hatred never ceases through hatred. Hatred only cease s through love.” Love embraces all beings without exception, and discards ill will" ~ Jack Kornfield

Firstly, leaving someone for their health issues is not a valid reason. Actually it might be a valid reason, but then you don't use the same person only for sex. I don't want to moralise here, but that's just not right. It's pure selfishness. He gets the bit of the relationship he liked, but you suffer and he doesn't have a problem with that. Huh.. I know you're hoping and it's normal because you're in love, but try to have a look from the distance and rationalise.

Hmmmm, there are consequences to EVERY CHOICE we make. Friends w/ benefits is what it is. If you didn't want the consequences then a different choice should have been made. He is doing exactly what YOU AGREED TO when you accepted getting into that kind of relationship.

You want love, you want someone who cares then that is the kind of relationship you look for & don't settle for anything less. You can't EXPECT when you agree to one kind of relationship that it will turn into something else just because you want it to.

Hard decisions you need to make that will determine the direction of your future

Do you bu any chance have another account on these forums that you used to post from? Something about this + your country sounds very familiar.

Have you ever heard the old saying, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" This is the situation you are in with a man who is using you. And will continue to use you until you put a stop to it. Prepare yourself to bleed over and over again if you remain in this loveless relationship.

You sound more addicted to him than anything else. This is not real love. No wonder you're so sad and depressed. Please seek out professional counseling to help you see how you're destroying yourself over a man who does not care about you.

"Stop crossing oceans for people who won't even jump a puddle for you"

You are very right, everyone has control over themselves and can make their own choices. The problem is that he says he might take me back in the future, as a partner. He says if i´ve been loyal (not been with any other men that is) we might get back together. He talks about how i´m his forever. Oh god, this situation is making me so confused and stressed. Not sure if should try to talk to him about it or not.

Yes! That is right, but i deleted it because i needed a break. (I made a post about abuse in relationships, but that situation has changed and he is treating me much better now) Just not sure if "much better" is enough for me...

I should add that we are in sort of a bdsm-type relationship. I think it´s me who needs to either accept our relationship as it is, or move on. That´s the difficult choice. Not sure if bdsm is an okay topic to bring up here, but it felt like necessary information. He´s my "dominant" and i´m the submissive one. I actually do enjoy that a lot, i just don´t enjoy the uncertainty and i wish there was more love in our interactions.

I hope you come to a decision that brings you peace, happiness and healing.

Guys like that will tell you what you want to hear to keep you hanging on in anticipation of something they never intend to do.

As for BDSM, that inherintally is not about the kind of love you are looking for....its about sex not love... you are involved in something in a way that will NEVER get you what you are looking for in life.

No wonder why you are feeling depressed when you are walking down a path that isnt even heading in thevdirection of your real internal dezires & you cant get there from where you are because the life style doesnt even head you in that directiln....quit listening to his lies that keep you hsnging around. Actions speak louder than words (lies)....he is using you for one thing & one thing only & you ate freely giving him what he wants but you will NEVER get what you REALLY WANT from him.

Thank you! You´re right. I´ll never get what i truly desire, from him. And that´s okay. I do not blame him, we just want different things. Perhaps i´m coming on a bit too strong for him.

Thank you for this quote. It is something i try to live by. To love unconditionally and be unselfish. He told me it was my turn to be unselfish after everything he has done for me, and to be honest he is very right.

No, he isn't. What exactly has he done for you?

And he hasn't changed at all. He is just pretending.

I do appreciate your input, but how can you be so sure that he hasn´t changed? People really do change sometimes, with effort and time. I brought up to him how i felt and he started treating me better. More kindly. Still, it´s not enough for me...I want more. I want love. For him to be my boyfriend. But that will maybe never happen. But i won´t leave him either so.

He used to help me a lot when i was in a bad place, always cheering me up and staying up all night to keep me from hurting myself.

That is your choice & you know the consequences so dont complain when you dont get the love you want...with this statement you have chosen to live as FWB & without love. That choice is yours & when we knowingly make those choices there is no point in complaining because we get exactly what we have chosen. Your life & your future without love IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE CHOSEN. If you feel its better to stay with a guy who will never fulfill your need for love (& NO, leopards NEVER change their spots....especially when he can get EVERYTHING he wants from you without any requirement for committment) Totally your life, totally your choice you are the one who has to live with it.

I´ve done some thinking. I often seek confirmation that i should leave him, or that he´s bad. It makes me feel good, and like a victim. But i´ve realized i´m not a victim. I make my own decisions. Either i decide that no, i don´t want him, i want something else. Or i decide that yes, i want him, and the lack of love is something i can accept.
And i choose the latter. I feel relieved. To finally have picked a side, you know? I enjoy making him happy, so that´s what i´ll focus on. And love well, i can get that from family and friends i am sure.

Spidy, this is an insightful book:

The Mastery Of Love (Don Miguel Ruiz)

Thank you

That line right there, that is him manipulating you.