Should I be worried?

I have never earned enough to support myself. I never did, and probably never will. So, I guess I’m not successful then.

You're smart, talented, and very well educated. You can be successful if you just put your mind to it. I know you can!

I highly suggest you see a personal T to help you work through the fear of being successful and the underlying issue of fearing being out on your own. They are a wonderful asset.

FYI, just because you're living on your own doesn't mean your alone. You can fill your life with friends and family, and you'll never feel truly alone. Or get a dog to live with you. They are very beneficial.

I worked full time retail hours, but for my own parents. But, even full time modest salary I made, I couldn’t have afforded my own independent life.

Then I got married and raised kids. I was very fortunate to get to stay home with them.

Now I work and can earn much more doing the job, but don’t try too hard. My h doesn’t want me to be busy and unable to be with him.

So, I will likely never need or want to try to support myself now. Since I decided to stay, I am more confident about financial security.

And yes, I am terrified of the thought of having no money or support.

I had no problems working when with my folks. I was happy and never depressed, always got to work and did great. Things might have been different, if I hadn’t married my h or not. IDK. This is just the way it played out.

Sounds like your H is being manipulative and controlling.

So you are trying to sabotage yourself so you can not be successful even though you have a great potential?

You can be married and still go to work and find pleasure in working and be successful, especially since your kids don’t need full time caregiver anymore. If you like retail, retail hires any time. I really don’t understand how your husband can demand you don’t busy yourself. This isn’t 1800s. He can’t demand such things

Would demanding that she stay more busy be just as bad as demanding that she stay unbusy so she can spend more time with him?

Tisha--you spend a lot of time worrying about others/pleasing others/second guessing yourself (the concern for others is good!). If you are both financially secure--just enjoy it! You DID help your H make this happen by handling many details so he was able to focus on his career.

Demanding something of one’s spouse is unacceptable in general. Under some circumstances it’s acceptable though. If my husband had no job I’d demand he gets one. But one doesn’t have to comply of course. My husband could never make his ex to get a job no matter how much he begged until he had enough and now he pays her hefty alimony. So people could beg or demand but it doesn’t mean one will comply.

In tishas case her husband could demand what he wants. But a job used to bring her satisfaction, not working because that’s what her husband wants doesn’t make sense to me. He can demand but she doesn’t need to comply

I totally agree with this! On a personal note--I have realized much of my problem in life has been that I have terrible boundaries (always say yes to everyone including H, children, work, etc--you just can't make everyone happy) and am trying to improve in this area. When you change a boundary--people get upset--but if they love you--they adapt and accept the new boundary.

Tisha--as far as your business goes--it seems like sometimes you enjoy it and sometimes you don't--the reasons are probably complex. Maybe keep on imagining what YOU want your business to be. When you have your own business--many of them are cyclical or things just are changing so fast that you have to reassess what is working or not all of the time. BTY I know this post started because you are worried about you ex bfs behavior. This is female instincts (self preservation)--I hope your worry is not warranted.

I agree. It's time to stop trying to please everyone else and time to start pleasing yourself. My mother tried to please everyone else her whole life and it made her a sorry miserable mess. However, when she started to please herself, do things for herself, make herself happy, she has been the happiest I've ever seen her. Like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders.

Stop trying to live in the 1800's like Divine said. This is 2017. The age of female empowerment. Get your *** outta the kitchen and into the office of your dreams.

...is a good name for this thread.

What happened here? It’s like I’m the shoemaker who went to sleep, and the mice made the shoes!

Stop living in the 1800’s? Lol WTH?

I DO currently have a job. I am self employed. I can make as little or as much as I can, if I could. It is a sales service job.

So right now, I make as little as I have. Very little annually. But, it is somewhat tbe because I am an independent start up business.

But, I know I am sabotaging myself in this job to a degree because I am not actively looking for business, like I am supposed to.

You ask why. Good question.

All my h said is he doesn’t want me to be working much because he wants me around to be with him. Yes, and to wait on him. But, if I am not going to do it, then someone must be paid to do it, because he sure won’t cook and clean.

And he earns enough, he shouldn’t have to.

As for the ex, he hasn’t texted again. I feel more relaxed about him not hating me and wanting to hurt me. But not totally. He’s a good man, just tragic and sick.

I’m pretty sure I fit a lot of the criteria for disorders when you look at my relationships.

Thank you for your responses, though, and pointing out what you said.

Self sabotage is a symptom. I know. I definitely have done it all my life in certain things. Yet, I don’t regret it at all.

I am glad the ex hasn't texted again! Phew! And I am glad you feel a bit more relaxed. You may not be in the full clear yet, but this sounds promising. Hopefully he will stay away. Keep us posted!!

Hmm, my h is happy that I have found a job I like but definitely prefers that I work only part time and also likes that I cook and clean and doesn't do much of either! The only problem is that his career and business schemes have not worked out. We are not financially secure. I feel like I need to get my but in gear and work! I am guilty of failing in my career too! We don't regret much either--sometimes we failed because we got tired of some of the shenanigans that go on at work (quit our jobs) or were just naive/inexperienced and learned from our mistakes. My biggest mistake in life has been not standing up for myself the way I should! I still have trouble with this. H is very protective of me sometimes because I am like this. I am to trusting. Live and learn!
Good! --the part about feeling more relaxed about your ex. At least when we are aware of our disorders, we can work to overcome and compensate to some degree.

Your h shouldn't be so helpless when it comes to cooking. Tell him to get his lazy as in the kitchen or go hungry.

I can't speak for Tisha but it is more like my H says he "feels loved" when I cook for him. And he lets me be as helpless as I want when it comes to fixing the toilets and things like that....

I am the cook. I make meals for my family. It’s not like everybody just takes their own dinner out of the fridge.

Right now, I’ve got a turkey breast in the oven with butternut squash, yams, and stuffing I had leftover and frozen from Thanksgiving, and a can of cranberry sauce, also leftover.

Plus I made the green bean casserole with the Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup, made from FRESH green beans, I stood there and hand cut.

I could write a history of my self-sabotaging.

But I didn’t do that when I was/am doing anything I really wanted to do or was really self confident about doing, then I’m aggressive competitively.

I thought everyone makes green bean casserole with fresh beans???? I thought it was a given. I work full time plus tutor on the side and work extra job three nights a week (due to not getting raise since 2009)and have ton of hobbies and I am not even any kind of creative cook, just very average and only ever made it with fresh beans. They aren’t hard to cut if you have a sharp knife. Do other people use can beans? It wouldn’t be the same texture. I am so confused with this thread.

Do other families only have homecooked meals if one person is a “stay home”? Most families I know eat homemade meals and they all work. You make it sound that working women and men wouldn’t cook from scratch. It’s not the case.

I was just saying that I like being the cook and taking care of my family’s food. I thought most people made that dish with canned beans, and I guess I am very impressed with myself for cutting up the fresh ones.

When I first started cooking, I didn’t know mashed potatoes came from potatoes. I thought they came from the box with the flakes. That was the only way my mom ever made it.

I only brought it up because Artchic said my husband should cook for himself.

He won’t. And I am glad to feel indispensable by being the cook.

The thread got off track.

Ironically, it was while living with the guy who is now the man I fear could get violent toward me, that I learned about how mashed potatoes are made from potato. He taught me.

You are just being funny right? Pulling my leg? Why were they called mashed “potatoes” then?

No, I was really that stupid.

We went to the grocery store and he grabbed a few potatoes and He said, “Let’s have mashed potatoes for dinner” and I said, “We have to get the box with the potato flakes”. I really didn’t know because the only potatoes my mom ever made was from the mix!

He taught me you use a real potato, peel it, boil it, etc... I was amazed! Who knew?

I learned everything from the friends/lovers I’ve been with.

I didn’t start eating and enjoying food until I started venturing out with friends and eating food I enjoyed in restaurants with them.

I can’t even remember much of the food my mom used to make. I wouldn’t eat most of what she would cook. I may have had an eating disorder then. Plus she was so abusive about it.

I really enjoyed learning to cook and take care of myself.

Each person contributed so much, teaching me their ways of doing things. I’m still learning.

That’s what I love about people. They teach me.

I didn’t love him. I only went with him because he came into my life. He presented the opportunity to get away from my parents’ house. He was my escape. But then I wanted to escape him. I felt stuck. I realized I was making a commitment to someone I didn’t really want. It didn’t feel right.

Then he had a total meltdown that I had left him.

I jumped in to nearly committing my life to someone I only went with because he was there and wanted me.

I worry that he would hurt me even now because he was homeless for his whole life and said he always cursed me for ruining his life. All those years with no contact, he still thought of me as the love of his life who broke his heart and blamed me for why he was homeless and unable to keep his head about water.

I know I do not deserve blame for what he says and I intentionally did nothing wrong to him. But I’m scared of his rage.