Brokenhearted: My Past Relationship and Now (abuse? npd? bpd?) {might be long read}

Hey to everyone. I am new here and apologize if my thread is not in the sub-section where it should be. Thanks to everyone in advance for possibly reading my thread and offering any help, thoughts, input and so on.

I am currently not in my relationship. My girlfriend dumped me in the beginning or November or so; however, much transpired then, before then and after then. She last left me with some texts after she hung up the phone on me.

She told me that she needed a break from me and speaking with me, yet she said so after and during periods of talking to me, conveying feelings for me and wanting for us to be in each other's lives.

There is so much to say that I am deciding to start the OP without a huge wall of text. She and I have not spoken in a little longer than two weeks. I have been devastated, heartbroken and so on since she broke up with me; however, since not speaking with her, I am in much more suffering, agony, anguish and more. I cry almost everyday. I want to speak with her, but I do not because I am trying to protect myself as well as most of what has happened and not happened, how she was and was not, what she did and did not, and so on.

For how ever long, she dictated if, when and how we would speak. Whether it was via facebook messenger call or text, she blocked me on everything else. She also controlled the conversations, the frequency of communication and so on. I, unfortunately, allowed her to dictate the conditions of communication; therefore, I accepted her control and abuse (I would assert that it is indeed abuse.)

(extremely short background)
I love this woman. We planned on marriage and having kids with one another. We moved to London together to attend two different grad schools and live together. My source of funds were personal savings. Conversely, her source of funds were supposed to be the leftover money from the disbursement of her federal loan that would pay for her tuition. Her loan allegedly never disbursed. I ran out of money because I chose to try to stay and pay for us both.

All the while, she seemed unconcerned about what was happening and insisted that I rent an apartment, even though I was the sole payer and my funds were rapidly decreasing. (Skipping some history,) we would talk about the circumstances, especially financially. I ran through lists of people to ask for money so we could stay and afford London. She told me that there was no one for her. Just before I went broke, we agreed to return back to the states. I bought a plane ticket for myself and was going to buy one for her, but she asked me if I already bought a ticket to which I said, "yes." She was upset that I performed such an action. With that said, she still said that she was coming back, but needed a few days for a "special approval" for the loan. She pleaded for me to continue spending money for her, even though I had barely any.

With hardly any money, I paid for her lodging for several days and a plane ticket home. She told me that she would be "homeless" or "living in a women's shelter" if I did not pay for her. I told her that I only had so much money to help.

I left, which I still regret to this day. After I did, all seemed fine with me and her. We continued to talk, speak lovingly, how we would move in together back in the states and so on. After a few days, I noticed that there was distance between us (e.g. not talking to me as often) and so on. I tried to find out what was happening, but she told me that she just needed a few days to finish the approval for the refund. She told me that me might stay, but she would need for me to pay for a plane ticket home if she was coming back.

After two weeks, she finally told me that she was staying in London. She did not tell me until she was certain that she could stay and had the financial means to stay. She told me that her parents were the party to fund her after I left because I had "abandoned" her. I asked her how her parents had funds for her then, yet they allegedly had no money when I was still in London with her.

I also noticed during those two weeks that she somehow had a working cell phone, yet pretended that she did not have one to me. She decreased in her interaction with me and would tell me that "if she did not want to talk to me, she would not." Additionally, she claimed that I should demand, force her and so on to chat with me. She asserted that I was being controlling.

She started to blame me for everything that happened in London and told me how horrible I was to her. She began to dictate communication as in if and when we would speak. She unfriended me on facebook, blocked me on all communcation apps (e.g. skype, whatsapp and more.)

She seemingly offered some attempts to repair and continue with our relationship, but as I tried, she would reject and dismiss my attempts. Moreover, she would refuse to talk about how money was a main reason why I left and caused our plans to be altered. She also refused to discuss how she never paid for anything, did not receive the disbursement of her loan and so on.

I apologized to her. I cried my eyes out to her. I accepted responsibility in what happened, in leaving, and more. I felt so horribly about what happened and how it did. All that mattered to me was her and being in each other's lives.

After two weeks, she broke up with me. As she did so, she denied what she was doing and how she was doing it. Despite my attempts to apologize, confide my love in her and much, much more, she claimed that I was solely responsible for the breakup and had caused her such stress, duress, traumatized her and so on. She seemingly projected her perspectives unto me, shifted the blame, deceive me, engaged in psychological manipulation, engaged in self deception and more. To the last day we speak, she seemed to exhibit the aforesaid aspects and behavior.

(There is much, much more before during and after the part of the relationship to which I have written.)

I tried and have tried to reflect on our relationship, to change how I am, to repent, to apologize, to lament, to accept responsibility, to attempt to reconcile and reconnect with her, but now, we are not even talking or in one another's lives... it kills me.

...I will also share that I am in debt and told her that numerous times to which she denied, called me a liar and still demanded/requested that I pay for various expenses for her both when I was there with her and still dating and even after she dumped me and as we were single. She additionally would attempt to convince me of guilt and blame if I did not purchase such expenses for her.

I will admit that I do blame myself for so much of what happened and is happening now.

I am sorry you are suffering but this girl sound awful and horrid. The only kind of communication you should have with her is saying thank you for leaving you alone. Forget about money loss, you can eventually get on your feet. You should be happy dodging the bullet. Imagine you married this horrid person and had kids. She’d abuse your kids too. Move on. Stop looking for ways to talk to her. Rejoice having life without this manipulator and user.

I also recommend you seek therapy to get to the bottom of why you’d settle for such person. You need to process what happened so you’ll never date such people.

Good luck and hugs

((((crushed_soul)))) welcome to PC forums.

From what you have shared of this girlfriend, while you are heartbroken, I think this gf is the kind of person who takes advantage and is selfish and entitled. She sounds like the type of person who only thinks of herself and her needs and this kind of person is not the kind of person you should consider having any long term relationship with.

Right now you are experiencing a big let down in that you did what a lot of people tend to do in that you fell in love with YOUR idea of how the relationship would be instead of the "reality" of how a relationship like this tends to deprive instead of nourish. People who are selfish can and often do take and take and if they don't get what they want they move on and simply shut others off for lack of usefulness. And, unfortunately, they often leave the person who did all the giving broke and feeling like it's their fault the relationship did not go well.

This gf did not "respect" you and that is not a person you should be thinking about having a long term relationship with. This cost you, but, learn from this because becoming aware of the red flags of a person who is selfish is important to recognize because as broke as you are now, down the road your loss could be a lot more substantial with this kind of person.

Her controlling about where and how you communicate is suspicious. Maybe she was cheating. This relationship that was already toxic was never going to improve so it’s best that it’s over. What you can learn from it is not to allow suspicious controlling behavior again.

As for all the money, just cut your losses.

Don’t try to maintain anything with her.

Move on and be healthy.

You said it. "Manipulative".

Hi. Your story is very moving, and I was touched by how kind you are, and generous.
I thought of how this might be like what I'm going through, and I can see a couple of comparisons, if you don't mind, I'd say that kind and generous people are often apt to overlook the bad parts about other people, esp. in relationships, we tend to see the best, or to make some kind of coverup for them, often under the disguise of : if I just love them more, if I am just patient, if I just do this or do that - they'll come around, they'll love me back, they'll see what I'm worth.
Unfortunately - all the while, the taker keeps taking knowing they won't have to give anything in return, knowing if they say the right thing it'll still keep coming.
And we do this over and over even for years. Why? I think sometimes we try to recover what is missing in ourselves by replaying the same roles over and over.
Sadly, awareness comes with the pain, this education of yourself comes at a price, you could choose to completely submerse yourself in it, and believe the grief means you just MISS her, making yourself vulnerable to her trying to woo you back, likely when her funds run dry and she is in a pinch.
But, what you really miss is the IDEA of her, the dream of her, and that, according to your story is not what she was. What she was and is, is someone who knows how to play the game, with you, or anyone like you, as a pawn to get what she wants. And what she wants is most important.
I don't think you, or anyone else WANTS to play that role, what we want and need is love and trust and mutual respect. What we get from these people is discard as soon as they get their needs met.
I agree with the others here who've said, you are lucky to be free of her. It will take time for reality to sink in, and for your emotions to pick up, and your heart to heal. But, when they do life will be better than it was. As long as you take the education you got from this pain and try not to repeat it with someone else.
You're free now.

Thank you very, very much to everyone, who read or read and replied. I am immensely appreciative to you for your empathy, advice, input and your kindness in doing so.

Maybe, I should not be questioning such a topic; however, I am been thinking about whether or not she loved me at all at any point in my "relationship" with her. Additionally, I keep on reflecting about both that and how I was and am responsible for her dumping me, not reconciling and for the "relationship" deteriorating to this point of nothingness.

We had some days and nights where we were not all smiles and treating each other so well without issues. I was stressed during the first few weeks and conveyed that to her. I wish that I had been different, not allowed myself to be stressed and for my stress to affect me with her. After the first two weeks or so, I became less stressed and came to admitted to both myself and in general (to whomever) that I could no longer stay because finances.

I do not want to appear, nor do I think that I should appear as if I were not responsible (at all) for what happened and how what happened. As I said, I continually tried to change myself, my approaches with her, apologize, accept responsibility to her and so on from November to two weeks ago, but none of my attempts rekindled us.

Now, I am just trying to move on and be without her as most of you suggested. I still think and reflect on much.

I wish for everyone to be well. Again, thank you to anyone, who reads or reads and replies to the thread.

Lately, I am still questioning my responsibility in what happened and how what happened. Additionally, I seem to still blame myself for the fallout and prior history to her dumping me. (I guess that I will say that I think that I both understand and acknowledge that the past is nonexistent now and to reflect on hypotheticals may not be healthy and/or helpful.)

A source of inner struggle for me has been (I stress the present perfect of "has been" because I am trying to be ok without her) how I still love her and both deny myself my love for her (e.g. no interaction) and acting on that love for her (e.g. not trying to contact her,) yet she seems more than fine and well to not be in each others' lives. She was the world to me and brought such meaning to the world and life for me. Now, she, that meaning and that world are gone, yet I am still here. With that said, I am attempting to heal, to continue with me in my life and not be in any interaction whatsoever with her.

I think you are doing very well then, believe it or not.
I know how this hurts, but trust that it will get better with time and distance.
And remember, it is good to protect your heart. You are going to be fine.

I hope that you are doing well. She took advantage of you.

I am immensely appreciative to you all for reading or reading and replying with kindness, support, advice and input in general.

It is amazing that such a community and forum is accessible on the internet and such caring people host and frequent it.

I still reflect on responsibility in her dumping me, why she did so, preceding events and so on, if I was responsible, for how much I was responsible in general and the level of my responsibility in the aforesaid topics. I also still hold myself responsible.

Additionally, I am still trying to figure out if she ever loved (or even loves) me at all. In my humble opinion, possibilities abound. Moreover, there is plenty of evidence that she never did, but there is also evidence that she did. Maybe, I am engaging in self deception apropos of claiming that there is evidence of her loving me, maybe, I am not. As I said, in an attempt to analyze the history, me, her and so forth objectively, there seems to be so many possibilities as for her perspective(s), feeling(s) (or lack there of) and so on.

She played you and she played you well.... She is clearly in the wrong and to cover it up, she is putting the entire blame on you. You had no obligation to care for her but you did. Yest, she convinced you that you stoping that behavior was wrong and you cried? She is good, she is very good.
Please open your eyes and cut all communication with this manipulative person. Unless, you like being mistreated and disrespected, and no i am not being sarcastic. Some people do actually prefer that.

Thank you once again for the kind and supportive replies. I wish for everyone to be well. I apologize to interrupt everyone’s Saturday, weekend and so forth in order to post yet again in an attempt for input and any help.

Just to clarify, I do not want to be mistreated, disrespected, abused, used and so on, nor do I like to be. I find myself still struggling mightily to be and live each second of each day. I am in incredible pain, suffering, and torment. I also feel tortured. I still have yet to attempt to contact my ex.

I keep questioning if my ex ever loved (and/or still loves) me and if she ever had feelings (and/or still has feelings) for me. Additionally, I still love her, yet I am choosing to not try to contact her. Additionally, she seemingly has yet to attempt to contact me and is unconcerned. It is as if I were nothing to her, which I accept if that is so, yet I keep reflecting on if she ever had feelings (and if she did, does she still have feelings) for me. Moreover, she seems to be well and fine with these circumstances of not being in each other’s lives, living her life without one another and so on. Conversely, I am not well. I am not ok. I am far from it.

Furthermore, the status of not being in each other’s lives coupled with her seemingly so well with not communicating, not being in each other’s lives, existing in existence without being with one another and so on torments me. It is almost about to be one month since we last spoke.

I still cry much throughout almost every day. I still love this woman and still want to be together, yet I am consciously choosing to not try to contact and reconnect with her and consciously choosing to try to not be in each other’s lives. I do not deny how she was, how she was not, what she did to me and did not to me. I ask myself how and why would I be with her after the past and considering the present.

Are you seeing a therapist?

It’s concerning that despite knowing how poorly she treated you and how she used you pretty much for your money yet you still want to be with her. Why? Yes it’s expected she isn’t concerned because she ISN’T. She would maybe show some interest now if you send her money, looks like she’d pretend a bit for money.

I agree with a previous poster that therapy might be needed here and soon

No, I am currently not attending therapy; however, I have been and am thinking of doing so. With that said, I might or might not, but I am open and considering the possibility.


Before I directly reply to your post, please allow me to note how I am attempting to ask for you and anyone else for input on the topic of if she ever loved or had (strong, significant) feelings for me at all any point during the relationship. I humbly ask the aforesaid request because I am trying to learn from what happened and how what happened and to come to terms with the past, present and even future (since this was a life plan and so forth) amongst other explanations and, maybe, reasons.

With that said, if the reply of "attending therapy" is the suggestion to find out more about the question of whether or not she ever had feelings and/or loved thank you for the proposal; however, if anyone here on this forum would type his/her direct perspective that also addresses my aforesaid question, I would be most grateful. Moreover, I am most grateful already and regardless if anyone directly responds to my question about her possible feelings and love.


As for your post, I apologize and think that I should clarify some, perhaps, important or at the very least relevant perspectives in my previous message. I, unfortunately, attempted to be concise and save more of the content for an impending post. Evidently, I poorly conveyed my thoughts in the previous message and lacked information that I should have included. As a result, I apologize for my poor attempt in accurately expressing my perspectives.

To clarify, when I refer to how I still have feelings for her and want to be with her, I share the perspective that for such a possibility to be actualized, change (in probably both me and her) and both volition and consciousness (to try to change and to change) would be requirements. (I would also suggest that a heart-to-heart and accepting responsibility for the past would be helpful if not necessary.)

For a quick example, if she were to still exhibit self-denial, shifting the blame and so on with me, we would not be able to be together. As she is (and is not) and probably how I am (and am not,) I find the possibility of being together as unhealthy and more.

As you expressed, she seems to have mainly used me in our relationship. I do not deny her actions of using me as a means to her ends. I question if anything else was there for her; however, as you said, she does not appear to care, be concerned and so forth for and to me in the present because she most likely does not.

Sorry again for my poor articulation and a long message. I am immensely appreciative to everyone for reading or reading and replying.

I asked if you were in therapy. You need to understand why you are still having feelings for someone who has taken advantage of you.

Yeah, I think that I do need and/or should understand as well. I think that I somewhat articulated why I do in my last reply. Your post did not address any of it other than the topic of therapy. Regardless, thanks for your post.

EDIT: In attempt to further clarify, I have still have feelings for her because if she maybe had feelings for me (e.g. love) it is still possible that she might love me. Possibilities abound. Perhaps, she loved me and her being is that of someone of NPD or some BPD. Another possibility is if she did not love me and merely used me. There are multiple options. I think that finding out which one would help me come to terms with my history (past, present and future) with her and be ok without her. If the only means to find out is through therapy, that is ok then.

I also would not necessarily stop loving someone, depending upon the circumstances. A hypothetical example would be if she were temporarily depressed. To elaborate, I am not just going to stop loving her as a result (of being depressed.) A possible historical is if she were to be of NPD, BPD or conditioned to manipulate to the point of not being in command of her manipulation and stopping it. With that said, the question of how she revealed herself to be when we were in London and post London is concerned with if that is how she was (and even is) in general as a person and/or if she is unwillingness to change. Both aforesaid concerns are pertinent and important in my humble opinion.

Excuse my pea-sized brain, are you asking us to speculate on if she ever loved you, cared about you, etc.?

Self-disparaging and, maybe, condescending, remark aside, yeah, that is what I am asking...

Evidently, I may be foolish to ask such a question here...

I will take a stab at it. My answer is Maybe...?

I think that most of us have been in your shoes. I used to remember whole conversations with someone, trying to figure out if that person ever loved me or not. I wish that I had gone to therapy instead of spending over a year trying to figure things out.

I am much obliged to you for your attempt. So, if your conclusion is therapy is what I should to find out, thank you very much for your suggestion.

You're welcome. I really don't wish to come across here as 'mean.' I could have easily have told you that she is madly in love with you. Based upon what you have told us here, that would be wrong. I am sure that there is much more to the story but it sounds to me that she needs help. You can't help her. She might change her mind if you offered money, but why should you have to pay for her (pretend) love?

No, no. You're not mean. I am just trying to articulate my thoughts and perspectives well and concisely. Also, I am not exactly insensitive about this subject. As a result, I apologize.

There is indeed much more content to the story. We were together before we moved to London. Additionally, after she dumped me, we continued talking and even hung out with each other before we stopped talking about one month ago.

Thank you again. Have a marvelous evening.

(I also share your perspective about the help and money, not that my perspective matters.)