Brokenhearted: My Past Relationship and Now (abuse? npd? bpd?) {might be long read}

I am much obliged to you for posting and your input. Thank you.

I apologize because I have been typing many posts with how ever much text, messages and so on. Consequently, my thoughts are scattered across the pages in this thread. Moreover, I do not expect or ask anyone else to read how ever much of the posts in the thread. Consequently, please allow me to clarify my poor attempts at both typing my messages and for how I conveyed them.

To try and be explicit and least confusing, I will quote your words. I do not claim that she "'definitely' used me for money and was a manipulator." It is not with certainty that I say, claim or think anything because I accept and acknowledge that certainty is lacking (due to info that I possess and do not possess.) I am trying to come to terms with what happened, how what happened, the past, the present, my self, and other interrelated components of the history with me and her and even without her (such as now.)

Also, I will not allow I to be "vengeful" and/or "harbor anger." I might be obsessing. I both acknowledge and accept that I might be, although I would argue that I am extremely heartbroken, trying to come to terms with my life and the events therein and more. (Additionally, she left me with a cliffhanger of "I need to take a break from speaking with you" as for whatever she exactly meant and/or what was her specific feelings and perspectives, I am unaware.)

Indeed, this is one one of two people telling the story and history as you stated. I understand and acknowledge that there is (most likely) bias in both the messages that I type and how I convey them. With that said, much of the dialogues between me and my ex girlfriend were via text. Consequently, I literally retype what she told me such as why she dumped me (due to a failure in trust through abandonment and failure to be a decent person/boyfriend) and more examples.

I am also trying to not be bias because I am attempting to be honest and objective as I question, examine and understand the past, present, my behavior, my perspectives, her behavior, her perspectives and so on. I am trying to leave no "stone unturned" as I consciously try to come to terms with what ever this can be defined as. I acknowledge that I might be engaging in self-deception, self-denial and more, but I am consciously trying to not be so and do so.

(As for the money and the breakup, there is an indisputable correlation that she dumped me when she confirmed to herself that I no longer would pay; however, she adamantly claimed that money was no part in dumping me.)


I will also share another example between me and her. During our breakup right after the New Year in the beginning of January, we were still talking if and when she decided. From the UK, she called me (I was in the states) on Facebook Messenger on a Sunday and appeared affectionately and lovingly like she wanted to speak with me and so on. We talked as two people stereotypically do through chit chatting. After half an hour or so, she told me that she wanted dinner and to order from somewhere.

She then asked me to purchase dinner for her online and to be delivered to her. I told her that I would not pay, but that I would help select her dinner. So, we picked out the dinner together. When the next step was payment, she asked me to pay again, but I declined.

She then stopped behaving affectionately, lovingly and so on. She quickly said some "goodbyes" and stereotypical words in ending a phone call, then hung up. Subsequently, she texted on messenger to "stop bullsh*tting her" and that "she had had enough of it." Furthermore, she used the ignore feature on Facebook Messenger so that I could not reply to her at all (I was blocked on every other avenue of communication.)

The next day, she initiated communication with me and acted like nothing happened on her part. Moreover, she then asked me for help on a term paper, which is another story.


I am sorry for another long post.

Yikes! Why wasn’t her behavior so off-putting to you that you would choose to dump her? I agree with others suggestions, you need to learn why you kept after someone like this, and make sure you don’t let it happen again.

Unbelievable!

After she dumped you and you weren’t a couple anymore and you two lived on different continents, she still demanded you pay for her dinners, and after you declined she became nasty towards you, YET you still hold her to the highest regard and want to be with her. She treats you with complete lack of respect yet you still want to be with her and cry over her.

You can’t be serious. What causes you to be so attached to somebody that nasty? Please seek help. I suspect you might draw some enjoyment from being humiliated and made fun off by women and next one will be just like her or worse.

Thank you very much for your support, empathy and for continuing to read and reply.

Again, I apologize for my dispersing of info throughout different posts of mine on different pages. To directly reply to your question, prior to dumping me, she did not exhibit the level of drastic behavior that she disclosed during the breakup and post breakup. When we were initially in London together, she started to reveal her self to be differently than how she was prior to London.

Whether she was showing different layers of her self, sides to her self a combination of the aforesaid two actions, more, not or some other possibility, she revealed her self to be someone whom I increasingly did not recognize. When she dumped me and the history after she dumped me, she continued to disclose her self to be far differently than how she was prior to dumping me.

After she dumped me and during the period of history during post breakup until we stopped talking, I tried to be with her because I was of the perspective that change was always a possibility. I was of the perspective that the stretches in history during London, her dumping me and post breakup might be temporary and might change if she and I were both chose to want and try for those stretches in history to change. Moreover, I was of the opinion that, maybe, through communication, we would both attempt to change ourselves, how we interacted with one another and so on. Consequently, we would, perhaps, heal and rekindle and recontinue our relationship. Again, she conveyed similar, aforementioned perspectives and feelings from her to me.

Additionally, I was that in love with her that I chose to try and fight for whom I loved and my love. Additionally, I was willing and wanting to confront issues, differences and so on, resolve them together, heal together, forgive, and so on. My love for her was that strong, intimate and intense that I was not simply going to stop loving her instantly and/or stop loving her as if I were "flicking off a switch" or some other crappy analogy.

This was the woman whom I had chosen to love, to be the mother of my kids, and my wife. My love also developed to a level where I was of the perspective that the two of us would overcome historical events together and could continue to be with one another. I was also of the perspective that she shared the same aforesaid feelings and views... She said that she did and allegedly showed me that she did (according to her.)


Thank you very much for replying and reading again. I appreciate your empathy and thoughts.

Once again, I apologize for my thoughts to be spread throughout these pages in different posts of mine. I already explained to some extent your question in earlier posts to other messages from other users. With that said, please permit me to restate, reiterate and emphasize that I do not wish, want and/like to be "humiliated" and "made fun of by women" at all.

What you are describing about her "nasty behavior" is part of an issue for me. To elaborate, I was in and of such a degree of love before she started behaving so nastily. For me, in my love and for my love, I was willing to reconcile, to forgive, to heal together, to act on the other (her,) to not ignore issues, troubles and so forth, to not run from issues, troubles and so on and more. I chose to fight for my love and act on my love, rather than stopping, abandoning or giving up.

Additionally, change is always a possibility; therefore, I was of the perspective of trying to change the present, that she might change, that I might change and so on, which would result in, maybe, us being together again.

I also blamed myself and held myself responsible for her dumping me, leaving London and her, the relationship ending, how we were in London and how our relationship came to an end. I wanted and willed to change and amend my past actions, guilt and blame.

When she was behaving so "nastily" as you phrased it, I was trying to figure out how to move out from and/or change such circumstances with her. I did not like, want, or wish for her to be as she was towards me, yet I loved her and wanted to somehow change that portion of history with her and me when it was the present. Thus, even though I did not want nor like her behavior, I demonstrated to her that I allowed and accepted her behavior as I continued to be in communication and interact with her. I chose to be in communication and interact with her because I was of the perspective that, maybe, through communication, we would change towards reconciliation, then reconcile.


Another previously mentioned example between her and me that is most pertinent here is... her wanting an apartment. When I went back for her to London, she literally texted me the night before my original date of departure and typed, "Either you get an apartment and trust me, or have a nice flight home." She literally typed that. (There is much more to the story. It also does not end there.)

Before, during and after she dumped me, she tried to appear as if it were a request, but it was more of a demand, that I rent an apartment for her. Her behavior seemingly became more hostile. Even though I was broke, back in the US and that she dumped me, she still wanted me to rent an apartment for her because she claimed that she would "regain her 'trust,' for me" in my action of renting an apartment for her, yet she would tell me with how ever frequency that she was "single, would be dating again, dating to get me off her mind, could do whatever she wanted, wouldn't talk to me if chose not to do so" and so on. For her, the aforesaid scenario seemed to be a reasonable, honest, kind and equal request.

Crushed, you are a nice person. Maybe a bit 'too nice.' You keep apologizing to us here. Have you looked for a therapist yet?

Hahaha, honestly, you're too kind. No, I have not yet done so.

I just try to be conscious of how I am accessing a forum on the internet with anonymous users and asking anyone to read, reply and help me with what I am sharing. I also acknowledge how there is no responsibility for anyone to read, reply or help me with my troubles. If anyone does attempt to read, reply and/or help, I am aware of how that person is exerting effort, spending time, and exercising thought in doing so. Consequently, I appreciate such aforesaid action(s).

Additionally, I am conscious that I am typing how ever much info in numerous posts on multiple pages. Moreover, not everyone will read most of the posts in general and/or how ever many posts and info in general. I also am aware that I might make errors and mistakes such as omitting info, conveying my thoughts poorly, oversimplifying my messages and so on. So, since people are being kind enough to read and chat with me, I try to express my thanks.

I just try to be conscious, thankful and humble.

It’s a nice thing that we are just strangers on the internet, helping and sharing our most personal stuff.

Do yourself a favor and don’t put too much effort into trying to repair and work through horrible behavior from a girlfriend or friend. And be very grateful she showed you her true colors before you made a commitment and had kids with her.

The nerve of her to ask you to pay her rent while she continues to date in order to built “trust” in you is ridiculous. I’ll bet you can now think of some choice things you would have liked to respond to her about that.

I must admit, I’ve known some really bizarre people. I knew a woman who married this man who had a job that entailed traveling often. She was appalled that he had the nerve to expect her to live with him once they were married. She thought he was going to keep her while he traveled and was never home! And of course, it ended disastrously. There are many users, and I hope this taught you to not be a victim of one again.

If she was your first love, I can see how you were so sucked in that you lingered too long after seeing her ugliness.

Put her dinner on your credit card, ha!

Relationships are a give and take.

Thanks very much for the kind words, empathy, advice and sharing the story that you did.

Indeed, it is as you say. I am most grateful for such a platform, to access it and find such people, who are willing and kind to access here as well and host this forum.

I will try to do as you propose. Yeah, I think about the hypothetical if we were to have had kids and so forth... if there were to be no changes and so forth, yikes.

Haha, it does seem to be, doesn't it? Well, I thought of multiple possibilities to how and with what to reply, I decided to not pay for an apartment for her and told her so throughout November, December and January. I explained that I needed a job and income to even try financially assist her; however, she continued to ask until two weeks or so before we stopped talking. Moreover, there was much guilt tripping and blaming about not renting an apartment and other good and services (e.g. dinner.)

Another quick summary of a story between me and her was Christmas. I was supposed to visit her for Christmas, but she wanted me to take her to a different country as a Christmas vacation (for several days.) I did not even end up going because she increasingly seemed like she did not care, was unconcerned, not expressing love to me and not seemingly being in love me. The night before I was supposed to leave to visit her, she asked me about scheduling appointments for apartment viewings. Again, I told her that I would not be able to help unless I were to be employed and with a salary.

Subsequently, she quickly stopped appearing as affectionate, kind and loving and hung up the phone. She then texted me that she was "tired of my bullsh*t and dangling things in front of her face and that she was done with me." She seemed to be projecting amongst other self-denial actions. She also blocked me on Facebook Messenger for the entire evening (mind you that the UK is five hours ahead of EST.) At approximately 6:00am she called me as if last night did not happen and/or did not occur as it did and asked me to drive to her parents' residence to pick her clothes up to bring with me to the UK for her and to her.

A disastrous end is terrible as is the seeming expectation of the lady.

Yeah, I think this, what ever this is, has taught and is teaching me much about relationships, life, people and more interconnected subjects.

I read, hear and find out from others about scenarios like these, but it's so different to be on the inside and in one during and after it. Thank you very much.

Haha, yeah. Let me just bill my card as she uses me at her will and does whatever she wants, whenever she wants (which is more than justified and ok for her.)

It's funny, appreciative and astute that you say 'relationships are 'give and take.' In mine, at least in general and in most aspects, I seemed to give, while she seemed to only take; however, with the question of feelings and forth, attention, sex and so on, I suppose that we both gave and took.

She was not my first relationship where I was of the perspective that I was in love, but it was a number of years since my last relationship. Additionally, I was of the view that I was going to marry this woman, have kids with her, share a life, share a life plan and more together... which was new to me. In my folly, I am responsible.

(Thanks again for your post.)

I can’t believe you were actually considering putting her up in the apartment? Didn’t you feel in your gut that you were being used? Do you find you are too much of a push over in general or was it just due to the romantic relationship? I think anyone would have had strong feelings about not even indulging her in this ridiculous proposal. There was something strange with you in the fact that you continued to act as though you might be willing.

People treat you how you teach them to treat you. That’s a quote I like by Dr. Phil.

She would regain trust after you rent an apartment for her. No kidding. She isn’t even pretending.

Thanks for continuing to post, for your reply and empathy.

I did indeed "feel like I was being used," which was one of the main reasons for not renting an apartment (and much more.) I think that it was not just the "romantic relationship." I have thought much and been thinking about why I entertained the demand for an apartment and other interconnected topics and history.

I think that between being in love with her, being and/or feeling guilty (for how I was in London, our relationship ending, how it ended, leaving her and so on,) being and feeling responsible (for how I was in London, our relationship ending, how it ended, leaving her and so on,) wanting and willing to change the present, not wanting to give up (walk away and so on,) I entertained the demand. As I think that I mentioned in previous posts, I suppose that I felt trapped between the aforesaid feelings and perspectives and her behavior, using me and so forth. I did have strong feelings against the apartment, but I also simultaneously had feelings to be with her, that she maybe had feelings and loved me (still) and so forth.

I did not want to be used, abused and so on, yet I was in love, felt and/or as guilty, blamed myself, was responsible, wanting to change the present and her appearance in love with me (and so forth.) I was of the perspective that, maybe, through communication and interaction, change towards reconciliation might develop. If so, reconciliation would result.

In reply to your quote from Dr. Phil and your last sentence in your paragraph, I have been thinking about such topics and interlinked subjects before you mentioned them and since you mentioned them. I think that it is is almost like being brainwashed. I was so conditioned to accept the terms of interaction and communication with her that she dictated and controlled. Moreover, I allowed her to dictate, to control and more. In doing so, I accepted the conditions of interaction, communication and behavior. I am responsible for the aforesaid actions and hold myself accountable. I deeply regret and reflect on if I were to have "turned the tide" on her so to speak and said, "no" and stopped allowing her to be as she was in general and in dictating controlling both interaction and communication.


Much obliged for your post and input.

Yup, I don't disagree. She stopped pretending that she was using me after she dumped me. Moreover, her use and abuse increased in severity and became increasingly blatant (for me and to me.)

I’ll add one more thing. She talked you into thinking you should feel guilty. All you were doing when you left was taking care of your needs, rather than be destroyed.

I agree, from your first post you said how she controlled how and when you communicated. Most people would have seen red flags and been turned off right then, not pursuing the relationship with such a nasty, control freak.

This girl has no redeeming qualities.

She’s a shyyty human being for sure

I wonder who's funding her now...

People like this always find sources. Op said her parents are paying for her now. Probably some naive guys too. People like this always find the way to live off others

I was being somewhat sarcastic. Her parents are paying for her but yet a few months back she needed to give them money to fix their car? Fishy.

I am immensely appreciative to you and everyone else below whom I quoted for continuing to read, post, offer support and be empathetic. Thank you all.

Yeah, she did convince me of feeling guilty. She also seemed to consciously try to do so (as in manipulate me deliberately.) I was of the perspective of "taking care of" both "our needs," not just mine, but she ended up staying. As I stated, while we were both still in the UK together, we agreed and planned to return to the states. Allegedly, she needed to stay a few extra days to ensure that a special request for a full refund for her tuition was approved via multiple signatures of university personnel. Moreover, she did not reveal that to me until she was certain that she possessed the (financial) means to stay. All the while, she lead me along and astray.

It's funny that you mention what you did because when she changed in her behavior toward me and interaction in general after several days of being physically apart, she seemed to project her actions and perspectives onto me. To elaborate, she insisted that I was "being selfish," "acting on self-interest" (not her words, but same message,) and "choosing my interests over her" (not her words again, but same message.)

For how ever long before we decided on going to the UK together, during our stay in the UK together and when I returned to the UK in wait for her in the states, I reiterated how I was willing to be with her, regardless of distance. So, I was willing and wanting to be in a relationship with her, whether it was long distance or not. Likewise, she expressed the same, aforesaid perspectives to me; however, evidently, she chose to be in London without me, without going back, without being in a relationship and so on. There were options. Apparently, what she chose was what was in her self-interest and what she wanted.

Haha, yeah, I don't disagree to your claims about the red flags, running away and control freak. Unfortunately for me, as I mentioned, she did not reveal herself to be like that until I was already intimate and intensely in love with her, back in the states and so on (but like you said there were probably signs before that point in history.)

No, she appears to not have any, but in her mind...



Haha, there seems to be plenty of evidence, doesn't there?



Haha, I understand, respect and find your joke to be humorous. Apparently, she is not "living in a woman's shelter" or "homeless" like she claimed that she would be. According to her and for her, she was the actor, who enabled her to stay through "wanting it enough" (ignoring money as the main means to stay, pay to stay and so on.)



Indeed to everything you said. I would not disagree with your two claims in your first and last sentences. Additionally, her parents are allegedly her source, but I honestly lack verification if they are or are not. She continued to insist that she was strapped financially and that her parents "scraped enough" to pay for her dorm, which enabled her to stay; however, maybe they are not the (sole) source of funds for her.

As I stated in earlier posts, I ran through lists with her about people to ask for money for us both to stay. She told me that she had no one to ask, even though that she told me she had a brother in law who was "wealthy" and who would "most likely help if she were to ask" among other people of "wealth."

Mind you, her parents also allegedly "scraped enough" money after I left. When I questioned her about that, she had several excuses such as "it took them some time to find it" and "after I told them what you did to me, they figured out how to help me." I also told her how if there was no money, we/she/I would not be able to stay.

I noted to her that in order to achieve the objective of paying for living expenses, there must be the means of money to do so... she ignored that when I told her and replied to me that it was a matter of "want" as if "want" outweighed and was more of a means for her to stay rather than money as the main means.

She is most likely not paying for herself. As you also suggested, there is probably already some guy(s) picking up her tab.

I am aware to extent that approximately as soon as I left the country, she was inventing a victim, pity story that she told people. "She was abandoned in the UK. Her boyfriend abandoned her. He left her with no money."

It's as if she invented a "reality" as you phrased it that consists of extreme self-deception, which is comprised of self-denial (of responsibility, history, actions, events, perspectives and more,) deflection (of responsibility, history, actions, events, perspectives and more,) and fleeing (of responsibility, history, actions, events, perspectives and more.) Since she is the the victim and hero, while I am the oppressor and she "conquered' my oppression, she continues living without any guilt, responsibility, and so on. Maybe, she isn't being as just described. (just a theory amongst others.)

She's parasitic.

here is another story for you (if I did not mention it already. if I did, I apologize)

When I was running out of money and before I had no money at all, I would try to talk to her about possible sources of additional funds. She had no credit card. (Apparently, she had credit card debt, student debt and, maybe, what ever other debt.) Her only "feasible" suggestion was for me to cosign an emergency loan of $15,000 so we could both stay in London. Mental alarm bells rang when she told that to me. I declined.



Yeah, it's more than "fishy" in my humble opinion. I think that I was mistaken in an earlier post as the approximate day when she told me. It was roughly a week before leaving, not the day before the date of departure. Mental alarm bells were ringing when she told me on the phone that morning.

Regardless of the minor error for when she told me, for her to claim such a story, especially with the amount of money needed to pay for repairs (roughly or exactly) equaling the amount of money needed to pay for both the VISA and airfare (as well as bags and so on,) and to tell me this story so soon before we left seems like such a fabrication and lie; however, I cannot verify. Also, it is possible that it was not a fabrication, nor lie.

Another story about "people funding her" is that right before we stopped talking in end of January, she was wanting for me to pay for a gym membership. She quickly added that she also wanted for me to pay for a weight loss program for her. When she called me the last two times on the phone, she would try to dictate the conversations, how they would develop if at all, what info was conveyed and how the info was conveyed. If she did not like anything pertaining to me such as my tone, behavior, words, questions and on, she would lash out at me. An example would be me asking her to be honest and open, but she refused, even though she finally shouted that "of course that she was dating other guys!"

Moreover, for how ever long, it seemed as if she had in her mind a specific role for me to play and how to specifically play that role. My attempts for the conversation to be honest and open were rejected. Well, I guess that I did play the role and play it like she demanded because in addition to telling me that she "needed to a take a break from me" she also told me that "she had the gym membership and weight loss program" covered. Again, this is a woman, who is supposed to have extremely limited finances. I suppose that she already had a man or men lined up to pay for her... she also wanted how ever much money spent on makeup, her hair and something else that I forget.

From Christmas to when we stopped talking, she additionally wanted me to send her a care package, even though she would exclaim how "she was single. she was dating other men. she could do whatever she wanted" and on.

I read this whole thread. I had the misfortune of having a similar relationship.
You just can't get believe or acknowledge the fact that you were used.
You definitely overthink everything. You seem to just be using the one side of your brain that is emotionally analyzing a practical situation.
You are articulating every little thing but are blind to reality.
Been there , done that. No matter how many people tell you the same thing over and over you will still try and find a reason to validate a one way relationship. RUN ! Work on your self esteem. Don't ever hand over your life
to anybody ! Love is a mirage. You just don't have enough experience to understand that yet. Take off the blinders and see life for what it really is.
I don't mean to be harsh , just realistic. Time to grow up emotionally.
Good luck to you. I mean that.

Why would somebody move to London without clearly arranged and set up means to support themselves? It’s one of the most expensive cities in the world. No one just moved in London in hopes to make it. I travel to London annually due to having close relative there (although she is moving out there soon) and I know first hand what everything costs, particularly rent.

It’s insane to go there in hopes some student loan would go through or someone would send you money. One has to align everything up before ever considering living there plus one has to make very good money to live there (have a good job or rather clearly arranged means). If one doesn’t, it’s naive and immature to even consider it. Unless of course one always finds others to support them

As for questioning if she has a personality disorder in your title, I’d say it’s safe to diagnose that she is just a nervy user.

One good thing I find about people is they do drop the good facade that hooked you initially, and their true colors will show.

Relationships run however the two parties act and accept.

Good for you for not co-signing the loan. See, that amount of money got your concern up enough that you refused.

I’m pretty confident that if you had married her, you would now be responsible for all her debt that she had, even before you met.

I sense that you do see the relationship is over, and you want it to be over, and you are getting over it and will move on.

Not everybody is just a user and abuser. There are good, honest, loving people who will care about their mates as they care for themselves. Let them show you who they are over time and EXIT when you need to.

I wonder what is her major of study...psychology? Hmmmmm

Thank you very much for reading, especially the thread in its entirety (!), your input and empathy.

Although I did not start the thread, nor state in the opening post about the topic of "whether or not she only used me and did so without any feelings," the aforesaid topic seems to be discussed throughout the thread. With that said, I think that I both acknowledged and accepted that I was used (and, maybe, even abused.) If I did not mention that, I am and have been of the perspective that I was indeed used (and, probably, abused.)

A source of inner conflict for me, whether it is cognitive dissonance, some other internal clash or not, is that I was in love with this woman, despite her using me. Moreover, when she became increasingly blatant in using me and in revealing how she was in general, I was so intimately and intensely in love with her and she allegedly with me. Additionally, at that point in history, she was also engaging in psychological manipulation such as gaslighting, silent treatment and more. Thus, what was once an intimate and intense bond most likely became a traumatic bond for me. I simultaneously loved her, wanted and willed to be with her, yet I acknowledged and accepted that she was using me.

With that said, I was not willing, nor wanting to walk away, give up or another option. I was wanting and willing to reconcile through change and changing the present during that period of history. As I said, I was of the perspective that communication, maybe, would have served as the means to change towards reconciliation. If so, then, we would, perhaps, reconcile. As I mentioned in earlier posts, as history continued to unfold, I became increasingly ambivalent and unwilling to continue to let her use (and abuse me,) but I did not stop loving her, nor wanting to be with her and so on. The two perspectives were simultaneous and continuously held as history continued to unfold.

The question for me has been whether or not she strictly used me or if she did so and was (is) in love with me (or had and has any feelings for me.)

I've been trying to increase my understanding through learning about what you are saying. Additionally, I've been attempting to take the "blinders off" as you stated.

Thank you.




Thanks much again for your support and opinions and continuing to read.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine suggested to me that she was always of the opinion that I would always pay and that she was never going to pay, but would appear as if she would, regardless of the loan. Whether or not his suggestion was accurate, inaccurate or accurate to a degree, it's still feasible that she did as he suggested.

I don't disagree. While we were still in the states before we left for the UK and while in the UK, the monetary figure from the disbursement of the loan to to pay for tuition that she told me would have been enough with my personal savings to pay for our stay and the various expenses; however, the monetary figure is based on if she was honest and accuracy in the amount of money. Additionally, we planned to work in order to have income and a source of money. Unfortunately, the student UK VISA limits a maximum of 20 hours of work per week (part time.) Even so, income, especially two incomes, would have financially assisted us.

EDIT:

I failed to also originally include pertinent and, perhaps, important note about how she changed her perspective several times in regards to my finances and our plan for finances when I was broke. She initially claimed that I was "a liar," "sabotaging" her, trying to "control" her and more. Mind you, I was the one, who stated the word "sabotage" in earlier discussion with her when we were talking about finances. She seemed to reuse my language and thoughts and project them unto me. I digress.

After how ever much time (day or days,) she then changed her perspective about my finances as "we could have found means to stay" as in miraculously "finding" money, finding people as sources for funds, and/or in reference to cosigning the loan.

Later, she changed her perspective in regards to finances as "well, when you paid for my VISA and airfare, I thought that you were going to just pay for everything." So, our plan and agreement that we established before we left for London were not longer part of history for her when she said the aforesaid perspective. It was as if I was merely going to pay for all and everything and that she did no need to worry and/or pay for anything.

There were at least three different perspectives of hers in regards to our finances in general and the depletion of my personal savings.

Also:
(there's also a story about how she seemed to have this fantasy that we were going to travel to numerous countries, despite having a limited budget and so forth. She did not reveal this "fantasy" to me until after I had no money. I forget whether she initially told me about traveling before she dumped me or not.)

(During the post breakup period of history, especially starting two weeks before Christmas just as I was nearing to leave, she additionally started to contradict her statements and/or tell me contrary statements to me with high frequency. Whether it was during the same day, one day to the next and so on, I had so much trouble attempting to mentally keep track of her statements, perspectives and so forth as I attempted to organize her views in general and in an effort to respond to them coherently... evidently, that seems to be another exhibit of manipulation.)


Thanks again for continuing to post, your support and thoughts.

Haha, I suppose that is one "good thing about people," although, for me, she did no reveal herself to be how she was in general until well after being in love, bonding (and, maybe, traumatic bonding,) silent treatment and so on. With that said, "relationships run as the two parties act and accept" as you stated. Unfortunately, as I mentioned, I allowed her to use (and abuse) me and to both dictate and control the terms of both communication and interaction. Consequently, I accepted her terms, her using (and abusing) me and so on.

For me, it is kind of scary how love did and can in general alter consciousness and obscure judging objectively, without (or minimum) bias and so forth, especially when the other person with whom I was in love was appearing and telling me that she was in love with me as well, missed me, wanted to be with me and more. Regardless, I am responsible for allowing and accepting how the relationship "ran" as you phrased it and not changing it. I wish that I did not do as I did and that I attempted to "turn the tide" well before we stopped talking.

Yeah, I will try to find someone whom you described. Thank you very much again for your help, which you (and others) are greatly.

hahaha, it's "political communication" or approximately that.

She may have loved you in whatever love is in her mind. But her behavior is awful, so even if she did/does love you, you wouldn’t want to stay “in love” with her.

People lie to each other. People lie to themselves.

I have a female friend who is nervy and tries to use me, but in small ways...like to pay for her when we go out. Sometimes I will, sometimes I won’t. I am unnerved that she tries, it’s obnoxious. But that’s who she is, and I decided to be her friend.

So, if you kept this woman in your life, she would make you miserable no doubt.

Thanks much for continuing to read, emphasize, input and for telling your story about your friend.

Before I reply to your latest post, I forgot to respond to your statements about cosigning the loan and her using that against me in your post before your latest one. Even when she said that to me, I think that it dawned upon me how she would do as you described in causing me to “be responsible for all her debt that she had, even before we met.” Moreover, the proposal to cosign the emergency loan was the first step towards that objective and/action. In her request to cosign the loan, she was already indirectly asking me to pay her debt.

Yeah, that seems to be a question that will remain undisclosed (because she is probably the only person to be able to disclose if she did/does or not.)

I respect you for being her friend, and being aware of how she is, despite and she is. There seems to be plenty of people as you described. I had and probably still have friends like that, although I decided that some of those people were not my friends (due to a combination of circumstances.)

As you said, people are responsible for their behavior. Moreover, they choose to be how they are (and are not) and to change (or not.) Likewise, others choose to be friends (or not) with them (for how ever long.) In doing so, others are responsible in their decisions as well... oh, relationships...

Unless she were to change, acknowledge how she were to be (and not to be,) accept responsibility (in her behavior, actions, and on,) a combination of the aforesaid factors and/or whatever else, yeah, I share your perspective about if we were to still be in each other's lives... I think that is what I increasingly came to learn, acknowledge and understand (to a degree.)

Without change (in behavior,) consciousness (of behavior, actions and so forth,) willingness to change, responsibility (in behavior, actions and so on,) and so forth, the relationship would continue to be as it was, no matter what and how I would try in general and try to change whatever specifically (e.g. my behavior, attempts in communication, not accepting her terms, and so on.)

As you so astutely said, "relationships are give and take.” Additionally, “people treat you how you teach them to treat you.” Evidently, as we mentioned, she overwhelmingly took. When she was aware that could no longer take (seemingly my money) in general, the correlation was that she dumped me. (I am not claiming that it was only due to money, using me and so forth.) I both allowed and accepted for her to treat me as she did (and did not.) I am responsible for allowing and accepting such conditions.

Have a terrific Friday night.

Where you are giving her opportunity to change after how she acted is where you are doing yourself a disservice. Once a prospective life partner shows you they are rude, nervy, obnoxious, selfish, manipulative, etc... they are showing you who they are. They can’t change. These are deal breakers. You move on and fine someone else who treats you better.

It’s ironic that I am sitting here giving good advice, that I can’t even take myself. I’m stuck in a toxic marriage for 25 years.