Brokenhearted: My Past Relationship and Now (abuse? npd? bpd?) {might be long read}

I don’t think it’s realistic to expect us to know if she ever loved you. We don’t know you or her and can’t know what it’s inside her head. Based on your description of events she mistreated and used you, so she likely never loved you. At the same time maybe she did. Some people are jusf lousy human beings yet maybe they do feel love for others. Who knows.

Overall it’s a waste of time trying to figure out what’s inside other people’s heads and why they do what they do. Much better to focus on what's inside your own head and why you do what you do. So I’d start thinking why you want to spend another day agonizing over “if” she loved you or not.

There are many enjoyable things in life. Don’t waste your precious time on all this. It’s done and over with. You deserve to enjoy your life.

Thank you for the reply and input. I apologize for poorly conveying my question and request. I do not ask for anyone to know if she loved me or not, but rather to attempt to guess based on info that I stated. I am conscious of how (much) more information is more than likely required in order to judge if she did (does) love me, had (have) feelings or not. I think that I am and have been that heartbroken that I am trying to come to terms with the aforesaid topic (amongst others.) I am willing to share more history.

I both understand and respect your statements about wasting time, the difficulties and questioning the purposes of attempting to learn and understand someone else's psyche, why s/he is how she is (e.g. feelings, moods) and so on. I appreciate your advice. As I said, I still have the feelings that I do (and have had,) which includes love.

At this present, why does it matter if she really loved you or not? it does not change the fact that she took advantage of you, while you were already in a difficult place.
She might have loved you the way she knew how but that does not change her behavior.
If you only focus on being loved by her, a romantic perspective, you will lose sight on the important question: why do you still want to be with someone who took advantage of you and who seems to make your life more difficult?

Not all relationships wind up wrapped up in a red bow that explains who did what right or wrong.

Shame life isn’t like that.

I understand your grieving the loss of her and the relationship, grieve and move forward.

I really recommend Therapy to help you navigate sorting your feelings out and learn some signs of a healthy relationship versus unhealthy.

I wish you well

Ok if you want us to guess based on info you shared, then no, she never truly loved you. The fact she was “hanging out” or “taking” to you or this or that has nothing to do with love. So my answer is no.

Now start looking into making therapy appointment please. Work on improving your self respect and self esteem as well as perhaps address your inability to let go and desire to be with people who mistreat you. Also some extreme emotion (crying all the time etc). As much as we’d like, we can’t really help you as much as professional in a mental health would.

Good luck

Thank you very much for your response, thoughts and questions.

I suppose that it might matter for and to me because I still care, have feelings and so on. I do not disagree with the statements in your post. I think that I should also note that I do hold myself responsible for preceding events that sublated to the end of our relationship. I do not think, nor do I want, to appear and be as if I am (entirely) nocent and so forth.

Please allow me to verify that I do not think I am not engaging in only romantic recollection and/or perspectives, selective memory and other similar behavior. Moreover, I try to judge my judging and judgments to minimize and possibly present self bias and so forth. Maybe, I am still deceiving myself.

In response to your question in your last paragraph, I think that change is a possibility, whether it is in regards to the present, a person, his/her feelings and more. Also, we both seemed (I stress “seemed”) to love one another. Maybe, I was the only one. (Additionally, I think that I explained some more interconnected thoughts in previous posts.)






Thank you very much for your empathy, wishes and input. Haha, no, no, not all relationships are like as you said. I am trying to come to terms with not being with one another. Yeah, at this point, I am likely to attend therapy.




I appreciate your judgment, even if it is only based on my (limited) story and my attempts to curtail self-bias. Would you please be so kind as to elaborate your claim in your second sentence in your first paragraph? I understand the claim and agree, but I am attempting to figure out the specific purpose of such a claim. Are you suggesting that she was merely "hanging out" with me while I paid how ever much for what ever (until I had no more money?)

Yeah, I will probably start therapy soon. I will try to reply to your statement about self-respect, self-esteem, inability to let go and to desire to be with people who mistreat me. As for self-respect and self-esteem, it is debatable. As for the inability to let go and to be with someone who mistreats me, for me, I viewed the relationship with her through and of love. Moreover, I was of the perspective that she loved me; therefore, I would try to forgive, empathize and resolve instances such as mistreatment. I would not simply abandon or stop loving someone without my choice depending upon the circumstances.

Additionally, two other relevant, interconnected focuses are how the person is and change. For example, in London, did she reveal herself to be how she is in general and was merely showing a facade to me until the circumstances evoked for her to reveal herself as how she is? She seemingly used me before London, but not to the extent of how she did in London. Moreover, she revealed herself to be much different in London once there was tension, during the breakup and post breakup than how she was prior to the tension and so forth. Also, in regards to change, is not possible for someone to change? For instance, is it not possible for her to change how she is (or even was?) Was she, perhaps, only temporarily as she was (in mistreating me) and so on?

As much as she mistreated me, she would assert that I mistreated her and revealed myself to be someone (e.g. abusive) with whom she did not want to be, nor did she perceive me to be until I "showed" her that I was like how I was while in the UK. I was stressed and of anxiety in the beginning because i was missing some loved ones and so forth, yet she seemed to hold that against me. I was not always pleasant and failed to be more of a decent person and boyfriend, which I still regret.

Another source of anxiety and stress was just our situation in general because I was the only one with funds and spending them on the two of us. She seemed unconcerned and highly persuading me to rent an apartment for the two us, even though she had no money and was "waiting" in the disbursement of her loan.

In response to your "extreme emotion" statement, I would say that I am just that heartbroken about the relationship, where I and my life were going, and where I am and my life are now.

What seemed to be a life plan (e.g. attending grad school, living elsewhere, living with a significant other, being with one another, marrying this person, having kids) was annihilated into the past and is unlikely to be a possibility again of the present. Additionally, she left me as if I, we and our relationship were nothing to her. Moreover, she continues to live her life as if I (we and our relationship) am nothing to her. Now, I am broken(hearted,) and trying to exercise my will again to live and continue with my life, yet I find myself struggling, hurting (and so on.)

Thanks much again for posting. I am immensely appreciative.

As for you laying out the money for everything with her. I’m old-school traditional about the man paying. I have boys and taught them to always offer to pay. So you spent your money on a woman, hoping for love to continue.

If you laid out more than you should have for your own use and now grad school is put off, you didn’t use your best judgment.

So, I say just write off the money. Maybe she intentionally used you for it, maybe not.

Next time be smarter not to over extend yourself.

I know you are hurting. Break ups are hard.

Thank you very much for your post and thoughts, Tishabuv. I apologize for the following wall of text:

To, maybe clarify, not saying that I should and/or it is necessary, it was more than merely paying for her. What I have yet to post before now is that throughout our entire relationship, even before dating/as a couple and post breakup, I would pay for just about everything. I initially attempted to play the role of a stereotypical man trying to treat the lady; however, what continued seemed to not just be of the aforesaid typical "a man pays for the woman."

She seemingly would hardly ever have money. If she did, she would almost never chip in, although I developed the perspective of paying because of my conscious choice, responsibility (in my choice) and loving her. She would also tell me that she would pay me back for several expenses, but she never did. When I would ask her about the paybacks how ever long after the purchases, she would tell me that at some point before the conversation, I said to her that she did not need to pay be back.

Again, while I was employed and earned income, money was much less of an issue for me because of my perspectives on money and so forth. With that said, she seemed to want to overwhelmingly do activities that cost money... for which I would be the one to pay. I would periodically try to discuss with her budgeting, money in general and so on, but she would often become emotional and state extreme remarks (e.g. "well, we do not have to do anything then!")

(I could and maybe should divulge more about the aforesaid history and topic.)

Regardless of the aforesaid aspects of our history, while we were still in the US, we both made an agreement for a monetary plan with one another for budgeting, how to pay for the expenses in the UK and so on. My financial were personal savings. Conversely, her source of funds were supposed to have been the leftover money from the disbursement of her federal loan that paid for her tuition. She appeared as if she were informed on both the policies and procedures of the disbursement of the loan. She told me roughly the leftover amount, which was enough to assist in our budget to live in the UK. Moreover, she told me that the disbursement should be immediate upon arrival. Consequently, she would have the money as soon as we landed, accessed it and so forth. She allegedly had no money at all when we left for the UK.

Additionally, the money that she allegedly had, she gave to her parents to pay for the cost to repair one of their cars. Apparently, the cost of the repairs was roughly the same cost for purchasing an airline ticket (and luggage and so on) and the UK VISA. She literally called me the day before or so to notify me about the money that she allegedly needed to give to her parents to pay for the repairs to the car. As a result, she would not be able to come to London with me. I, was most ambivalent and suspicious, but I chose to pay for both her VISA and airfare. She seemingly thanked me profusely and remarked how "I really did love her" as evidenced in my action of paying for her VISA and airfare when she allegedly gave her money to her parents.

After arriving in the UK, she found out that she needed to open a bank account in order for the leftover money from the disbursement of the loan to be transferred to her (in her account.) She told me what needed to be done. So, we did so. After a few days or a week, she opened her bank account; however, no leftover money was transferred. I asked her questions about the policies and processes of the disbursement, but she would constantly say "just wait a few more days." "A few days" turned into several weeks. All the while, I continued to ask to find out about her funds, but she would reply with emotion and antagonism. She seemed to be unconcerned, not taking the initiative and not exhibiting urgency in obtaining her source of funds to pay. My personal savings were rapidly decreasing. Additionally, our agreement and plan was not being adhered to at all. She told me that her school told her the school could do nothing since the responsible party was the US Department of Education.

Finally, I, was the one, who decided to call the US Department of Education to find out about the general policies and procedures of the disbursement of a federal loan for tuition. I found out some info such as the disbursement of the loan to transfer the leftover money might require 30-45 days after the loan was disbursed. Also, the employee verified that the party in charge of the speed of processing was the school. So, I then tried to discuss what I learned about the disbursement, its policies and procedures with her, yet she appeared surprised that I even called. Moreover, she then tried to act as if she were ignorant on the topic, how her school misinformed her and so on. At this point in history, I was just about broke.

Multiple times, I asked her about lists of people to ask for money in order for us both to stay, but she said that there was no one that she could/would ask. What she did offer was for me to cosign a loan for a large amount of money with her, which I declined. After seemingly exhausting financial options and so on, we began to plan for both of our returns to the US; however, evidently, only I returned.

When she dumped me, she denied that money was a motive, reason or anything related to her decision and action to breakup with me. For her and according to her, she brokeup with me for two causes, both of which were rooted in trust. She could no longer trust me because I "abandoned" her (one cause) and how I "crumbled" and revealed myself to be in London (other cause.) To elaborate, I "abandoned" her in leaving her in the UK and going back to the US without her. I also revealed myself in London as someone who "collapsed" in a new environment, in the circumstances that we were in and so on.

Also, I was an awful as a person and boyfriend during my stint in the UK. She also claimed that I lied about having no money, that I deceived her with my funds and was holding out on her; however, she changed her perspective to other perspectives over time. For example, she later insisted that we both could have somehow stayed and found the financial means to do so. She said that she could never forgive me for abandoning her, how traumatized she was and more. She told me that she would not talk for a week or a month (I now forget the duration.)

I decided to go back to London for her the next week, reconfess my love her and reconcile... that is another story, but what is most relevant is that even though I continued to tell her that I had no money and was in debt, she continued to want me to pay (while I was in London and back in the states) for expenses for her such as buying materials (e.g. clothing) for her, still renting an apartment, taking her to a different country, paying for dinner, gym memberships, and so on until we stopped talking. All the while, she would tell me that she was single, that we weren't together, and that she could do whatever she wanted (e.g. not talk to me if she chose to not talk) and more.

Dang. Sounds like an entitled brat! Please get to yourself to a therapist. Did you ever investigate to see if her money actually went to repair her father's car? Sounds like you may have been taken for a 'ride.'

You asked me what I meant by “hanging out”. You mentioned that even after break up she continued “hanging out with you” and “talking to you”, like it had special meaning of sorts. In my opinion it means nothing. People can hang out and talk to whole bunch of other people. Love or any kind of commitment has absolutely nothing to do wit it.

Haha, indeed, I increasingly seem to be of the perspective that I was taking for a ride, just not a fun one.

During the period of the breakup, she insisted that I was selfish and spoiled. Whether or not she was projecting, she seemed to be in my humble perspective, although I am conscious of how I might have been selfish (and even spoiled) during any segment in our history. Also, at a point in our post break up period, I texted to her how she was being both "selfish and self centered" to which she responded that she "knew the type of person that she was. She was not selfish, nor self centered."

I did not investigate, but I probably should have. I considered doing so, but I chose not to do so. I suppose that I would have asked to have seen bank statements or some tangible proof of the money. With that said, there were other and probably other avenues (e.g. private investigator.)

Yeah, therapy is probably one of the next, impending steps for me. Thank you for your continued reading and responses.

Oh, I agree with your claims about "hanging out." Moreover, even before your explanation, my perspective when I wrote what I did was in accord with what you wrote. Additionally, I was not trying to articulate "hanging out" as defined as you have written. I apologize for my lack of clarity and poorly expressing my thoughts. Again, I tried to be not too longwinded and focus on what was most relevant and important in the story; however, I will attempt to elaborate in what I meant. Please bear with me if that is ok. I will try to be concise, but not skip what I am attempting to judge as most pertinent and important to clarify how we continued post breakup. I am sorry in advance for such walls of text.

After we broke up, she told me that we should take a break and not talk for a while (one month or week, I now forget which.) When she told me that, I accepted, but the more that I thought about how and why she broke up with me, not talking to one another, dumping me, how the present may unfold (with us being not together and so on,) I decided to go back to London and try to reconcile with her.

Maybe, I will tell that story in the next post or two, but I will try to explain in general what our history was like after post breakup without written in a descriptive story…

I went back to London for her. We eventually met. After some days, dialogue, and so forth, we reconnected and were on pleasant terms with one another. We were sexual, joking and so on as if we were with one another again. Before I left, she pleaded with me to stay, told me she loved me and more. I wanted to stay, but I told her that I needed to return home because I needed a job to earn money. Additionally, I already technically deferred to the following autumn semester. Thus, my VISA was no longer valid to live in the UK for the current year.

Sadly, I left; however, we continued to contact one another. She would call me almost every day. She would tell me that she missed me, had feelings for me and loved me. I was supposed to visit her again for Christmas, but I did not do so. (again, there is a story there.) Subsequently, we still communicated, but a week or so after New Year’s, she deteriorated in communication, caring, concern and so on. She did not communicate with me between Christmas day and New Year's Eve day. At first, she would tell me that she still had feelings for me and so forth, but that she still had such trouble and was traumatized from what I did in “abandoning” her and being “horrible” to her while I was originally in London.

Post New Year’s, she told me to move on from the past and not let it affect where and how we were in the present. I did as she requested, yet she would still bring up the past. Consequently, verbal back and forths would ensue because I would try to talk about changing towards the future as she suggested and how we were both not doing so. With that said, we both seemed to be of the perspective and willing to reconnect. We would talk about it and trying to do so. The last two weeks of communicating with her were when communication deteriorated the most. The last two weeks of communicating with her were when communication deteriorated the most. She barely spoke to me. When she did, what she said was hardly anything of meaning.

During the entire period of post breakup, she told me that she would be dating other guys, but she did not want to be sexual with anyone because “she did not have time and only wanted to be with me.” I think that she even admitted during my visit back to the UK that she was already on tinder as soon as I left the UK in order to move on from me, keep me off her mind, and so on. With that said, during the last two weeks, she was especially controlling and dictating if and when we communicated, how, when and so on.

She initially started to dictate and control communication even before she broke up with me. There was a change in our relationship that I noticed after a few days of being physically separated with me in the US and her in the UK. She famously told me that “if she did not want to talk with me, she wouldn’t” and that “she was not available whenever I wanted her to be” as if I were being controlling and demanding in continuing with our typical rate, level and openness in communication.

Even at the last of when we spoke, which was when she told me that she was going to take a break from speaking with me, she would not tell me that she did not have feelings, stopped loving me and so on. She focused more on “needing a break from speaking with me” and specifically stating so. That is how it was left with a few other texts after that. She would also claim during the last two weeks that she was "trying," but it was "not working," yet she (and her actions) seemed to not try, not care that she was trying, not care that we were not reconciling.

(I should probably just write the story from post breakup to what ever point because it would probably be much more clearing and revealing.)

I am sorry for the wall of text.

Typically when people break up, they don’t make dramatic announcements about stopping loving or having no feelings. Things she told you were clear indications that it’s over. Telling you that this “isn’t working” plus going on dating other men right away is pretty much indication that she moved on.

Thank you very much yet again for your reply and opinions.

I don't disagree about the dramatic announcements, but I do disagree about "it's over" as "clear." We continued to interact and chat with one another for several months after initially breaking up. Moreover, she continued to state that she had feelings, missed me, loved me and so on.

She seemed to say "it isn't working" when it was in her self-interest. She allegedly continue to try with me for how ever long after she dumped me. Again, she allegedly started dating men to attempt to move on from me, yet still chose for me to be in her life to an extent. She also told me that she did not want to be sexual with anyone else.

With the above content as evidence and with other details that I have not included, she seemed to be anything but "clear" with me. Moreover, if she were to have been clear, I most likely would have been differently than how I have been and am now.

Even though, as you said, she conveyed indications it was "over for her," she also conveyed plenty that "'it' was not over for her." She intentionally or unintentionally conveyed mixed feelings, messages, contradictions and so on to me, whether it was to keep me guessing, on her call, confused or no purpose at all. One of the main issues is that she was not "clear."

Are you trying to get back with her?

A many thanks for your post and question.

Currently, I am doing nothing and have not attempted anything since we last spoke one month ago; however, after she dumped me, I was trying to be back with her from then (mid November) until she stopped talking to me one month ago (end of January) when she said that she "needed a break from talking to me." With that said, in the latter parts of our history, post breakup, I became increasingly ambivalent, concerned and more about trying to reconcile with her due to several interrelated factors that are concerned with a lack of change, lack of effort, deterioration in interaction, communication and trust, manipulation, controlling and dictating communication and a few others.

I think that I mentioned the following, but I am sorry if I did not already so. As history continued to unfold as we continued being in each other's lives, especially post breakup, she almost seemed to be revealing herself to be a different person from the person whom I dated. I almost did not recognize her in general (not just visually.)

It’s typical for manipulators to present different persona of themselves depending on the circumstances or on what is that they need from other people.

I worry that unless you work with a professional, you will end up with such a person again. It’s almost like you are refusing to see a reality, and are drawn to people who treat you badly. Most people I know would run away screaming and wouldn’t be worshipping such person. Mental health professional would help you explore origin of your low self esteem (perhaps family of origin played a role) and hopefully help you to never get involved with such people in the future

I am incredibly thankful to you and everyone else, who has read or read and replied (especially for continuing to do so.) I very much appreciate your explanation of why to attend therapy. I think that it is one of my next, upcoming steps.

I am increasingly learning that is so. Before I focus on me, I will try to quickly note that I once dated a girl, who was similar in behavior to my most recent ex girlfriend. In all seriousness and through academic and non-academic research, the girl from how ever many years ago exhibited multiple traits on several sociopathy checklists. I say the aforesaid info because I notice(d) several shared characteristics between my ex girlfriend from years ago and my current ex girlfriend; however, I would not claim that my current ex girlfriend is of sociopathy.

Also, would you, maybe, please elaborate on "refusing to see a 'reality?'" I think that we have discussed such content in prior posts, but I am trying to not misinterpret what you are stating.

I think in previous posts that I partially addressed me in regards to choosing to be with her, choosing to continue to be with her (despite the specific history and her behavior,) and choosing to try to be with her.


Initially and for how ever long, she seemed to not be as she revealed herself to be in London and when I returned home from London. Prior to this seeming revealingness, there were probably signs, tipoffs and so forth that I choose to suspend judgment, did not notice, did not care or any combination of the three aforesaid actions. For how ever many months prior to London, I was willing to find out how she was as a person through our interaction in the unfolding of history. I liked her very much, strongly wanted to become familiar with one another, to find out if she and I could become a "we" and how far we could go as a "we." She also allegedly shared the aforesaid perspectives and would me so. (In previous posts, I think that I discussed to some degree what history and she were like in the context of money and behavior to a level were like to an extent prior to moving to London.)

When I chose to be in love with her, I was willing and wanting to resolve issues, differences and so forth with one another. Moreover, I was willing and wanting to forgive, move on and overcome history (past and present) as a couple, who were allegedly in love. I would not simply give up on someone, stop loving someone or anything similarly because of flaws, tension drama and so on in general. I consciously choose to be so in love with her that I wanted to marry her and for her to be the mother of my children. Likewise, she told me that she wanted the same and shared the aforesaid feelings. (As I also explained in previous posts, I would not simply stop loving someone without circumstances. The decision and action to stop loving would depend on the context.)

Right before she dumped me, she allegedly offered the possibility (several times) for me to repair the relationship and continue to be with her. She appeared wanting and willing to still be with me. With that said, her offer was most vague in how and what to mend to continue being with her, even though she claimed that the offer was "explicit" in both how and what to mend. After she dumped me, I consciously choose to be responsible to how ever much of a degree for my actions and how ever much of the history that served as content for her in her decision to dump me. Moreover, my love for her was that intimate, strong and intense that I was not wanting and unwilling to simply not try (and fight) for the woman whom I loved and with whom I had a life plan (past, present and future.) I also still shared the aforesaid perspectives in the two above paragraphs about being a we and resolving (our) differences and so forth together. (As I elaborated in past posts, she also told me that she still loved me and so on, but she was "traumatized" with what I did and did to her. Additionally, she allegedly wanted to not talk for a period of time for us to "both heal so we can try to be together again..." there is probably other content, but I will leave it at that.)

I apologize for another wall of text. I suppose that you could precede all or most of what I just typed and ask, "why" I choose to be drawn to her to originally and chose to continue to be drawn to her and so on, but I would argue that how she was as a person and in general was not disclosed to me until how ever long in our history that she and I share. When she did disclose herself to be how she was, by then, I was choosing to be in such an intimate love with her (and so on as above paragraphs explain.)

(I'd also add the possibility of change as a reason for choosing to continue being with her. I elaborated on change in earlier posts. Change is always a possibility. Whether it would be change in her changing how she was, in me changing how I was, both of us changing how we were and were together, I, she, we changing the present circumstances and so on.)

I am sorry to post again and to do so before anyone else posted since my last message. I currently am in overwhelming pain and suffering after discovering some news (to me.) I feel incredibly hurt, abused and used. It is not my attempt to play the victim. So, please tell me if I seem to be.

If anyone would possibly reply to the following question, I would be most grateful... Is anyone of the opinion that I abandoned my ex girlfriend and that she should have dumped me?

I am struggling immensely to just be right now. I keep thinking that there was something, which I could have done in order to stay in London and stay with her. I keep blaming myself for what happened, how what happened and not staying in London and with her. I keep considering "what could have been" if I were to have stayed in London and continued to be with her; however, now, I both acknowledge and share the perspective in the present that she did not love me, that I am nothing to her now (and for how ever long,) and so on. I was numb for a while, but I am now in incredible pain.

It's as if I were played the entire time, then when I was of no more use to her, she kept me in the background for how ever long in case she chose to continue using me before changing her mind to discarding me entirely since I was and am nothing to hear (which is also probably when she found other man/men.)

Based upon what you have told us, I don't think that you abandoned your exgf. Had you more money the relationship would have lasted a bit longer (I think).

Thank you very, very much for both reading and replying (and continuing to so.) I share the perspective that is typed in your post as well. As I noted in previous posts, there is much more content to the history with me and her, especially about money post breakup where she told me to rent an apartment for her in order for her to possibly "regain trust" with me, even though I was with no money at that point and told her so repeatedly. The aforesaid tidbit is just one example.

Additionally, much obliged for that chart on "grief." A friend of mine attempted to recall it simply from memory, but he failed to recall it well. I appreciate the breakdown and for you to show it to me.

It is startling to me and such a reminder of how subjective relationships (and life) are to me. To elaborate, I have been grieving and much more for this past month, yet she seemingly has been so well and fine. Moreover, she has been living her life (well and fine without me.) While I cried my eyes out, she was out and about living the (social) life of a college grad student in the UK. There seemed to be no grieving, remorse, lamenting, wishing or anything on her part about us for us. I seem to not even be an afterthought for her.

I have been how I have been this past month because I loved her, wanted to be with her, cared about both past and present and so on. Conversely, there was nothing for her because she felt nothing, did not care and so on. Thus, she continued living her life as if nothing were to have happened. Is she not engaging in self-deception (e.g. self-denial) and so forth about the past, how the past unfolded and more?

Again, not to play the victim, it seems so extremely horrible that someone (she) would do what she did and how she did what she did to someone else (me) throughout our relationship, post break up and even now during the month of no communication. I have felt like I died and have been dying, but she is living most lively and without any responsibility, guilt, consciousness of her behavior, the effects of her behavior and so on. Where is the empathy? There is none.

You need to not care about what is going on with her. You need to care about what is going on with you. There is nothing you can do to change the past and a future with her seems to not be in the cards. I know that what you are going through right now is difficult and painful. It is okay to be sad, have questions that only she can answer (if you could get a straight answer from her), etc. What I have found helpful is to get to the 'Anger' part. You may go back and forth through the various stages of grief (Ross-Kubler Model). Yes, it is horrible what she has done to you....Get mad! Anger gets me moving.

You asked what I mean by reality. Reality is that she used you, then dumped you and now is dating others. That’s reality. You instead hanging on to her words (she says this or that) instead of looking at her less than loving actions. That’s fantasy. Focus on reality

Thanks much again for posting and continuing to try to assist me in my troubles. I am attempting to not care about her and as you said, "what's going on with her;" however, it has been extremely difficult for me to do so. I agree, acknowledge and accept that the past cannot be changed. With that said, I was still wanting and willing to (try to) change the present and future. In direct reply to your statement about having questions, which only she can answer, in the past, she would (probably deliberately) not give a straight and honest answer to me. Whether or not she would be any different from the past and be honest and open with me, it is not disclosed. (I doubt, but it is a possibility.)

A many thanks again for your support. I will try to do so as you suggest. Lately, especially in the past day or so, I exhibited some anger and similar moods and emotion about a multitude of aspects that pertain the present, her, and so on.



Thank you very much for your post and explicitness in your post. With that said, I think that I explained that I do not deny "reality" as you phrased it and explained so in earlier posts on previous pages. I acknowledge and accept "reality" and that she used me, dumped me, is now dating others and more. I will not say, "the," because there is probably more than one issue. So, an issue is that I still did not want "reality" to be as it was because I still cared and loved her during the relationship, post break up and during the most recent month of no communication at all. Moreover, I still wanted to (try to) change the present and "reality" (whether it would have been through me taking the initiative or not.) Thus, I both acknowledged and accepted "reality." I just wanted and willed to change it and how it was.

It’s a fact that she dumped you and moved on instantly.

But, I worry, at this point in how you are obsessing about saying that she definitely used you for money and was a manipulator. I worry you will harbor anger, obsess about it, and maybe start to feel vengeful. And from what you told us here, we are only hearing one side of the story and speculating she used you for money.

Plus, as I pointed out earlier, it was your bad choice to give her money that you needed for yourself, in hopes of maintaining a relationship.

It’s a break up. Break ups can be cruel. They really hurt. You are grieving. With healthy thoughts, you will move on.