Threatened legal action

I'm not sure this is the place for this, but I don't know where else to put it.

I already know my reactions were stupid and, frankly, a little crazy, so...

I don't know how many have read my Long Distance Lie post, and I'm not going to go back over it. Basically, in my hurt and rage, I text bombed this guy like I had degraded myself to doing. My T said that is the reaction he wanted; indeed, throughout our whole relationship, that's how our fights would go. Him dropping the conversation at a key moment which would then lead to me feeling abandoned and then I would engage in text bombing. It happened time and time again. I once remarked that I believed he liked the attention, regardless of how negative. My T now agrees.

Anyway, on Sunday, when things blew up, we said a lot of things over text which were pretty horrible. I went off the deep end in my anger and said I wanted to key his car. I later said that, of course I wouldn't do this--I said that since he wasn't listening to me (he was just texting me the same sentence over and over), I was trying to get him to pay attention. He threatened to go to the police with it, and a recording of me saying I hit him. He recorded this unbeknownst to me while I was crumpled on the floor sobbing. I didn't hit him on purpose; he was screaming at me and I pushed him out of my way, but my hands slapped against his chest. And so I was apologizing and said, "I'm sorry if I hit you." He laughed and said now he can file a report.

After I found out he cheated, I admit I freaked out, reached out because I wanted to know why. He said, "Because you were and are a crazy stalker. I have texts. I have recordings. Continue to reach out and I will get legal." I was like fine. I just want to know why and then I will leave. He just continued to text the same thing to me. I said, you put me at risk by sleeping with me with no condom (I have an IUD). I will leave, but I want to know if you've been tested. No answer. I didn't think he had a case against me, but, looking up the law in my state...he does, and it's significant. I'm scared that he's been just lying low, collecting texts. And I'm afraid he'll use the message I sent the woman he slept with asking her whether it happened.

I know I was stupid. I've stopped asking, stopped reaching out. It does no good anyway. We broke things off Sunday. I never threatened, and to me, it's just a breakup gone bad. I have zero priors, not even a traffic ticket. We live several states away from each other.

What do you guys think? Should I be worried?

You should be enlightened. You can learn so much from all this. I certainly would not say or do anything to him. You need to work on you before you try with anyone else, please.

Yes, absolutely.

I'm not planning on saying or doing anything to him; I'm just concerned he's going to try and use our bad breakup against me, because he thinks it will affect my job.

In my T appointment today, she was shocked at some of the scenarios I told her about. I was shocked that I didn't recognize they were a problem. He really had me snowed. It doesn't feel like a regular breakup; it doesn't feel as though I was rejected. It runs deeper; I was, essentially lied to for years. I question myself, my judgment, my intelligence. I know I'm not stupid, I just got caught up with a very good manipulator. Like my friend said, the only thing I was guilty of with it was liking a guy, and wanting him to like me back. But I can know all of that intellectually, and still feel in my heart that I'm the one to blame.

At least you didn't marry for almost two decades before you found your way out.

Ugh. Yes. I'm truly sorry if this happened to you.

I was planning on going down there to stay temporarily, and it annoys me that he knew I was making plans around this, and he encouraged it. I know there were more women because I suspected others. I only chose to reach out to this one. It's not like his patterns are super covert, now that I know what they look like, so looking back, I can see he lied to me all along.

In my T's office I said what was the point? I'm so far away that, if he truly hated me, if I was so terrible to deal with like he indicated at the end I was, why not just leave me? It's not like I'm going to drive 10 hours to bang on his door, it's not like I didn't ask him for the truth even before we began. She said, because he felt like by being with me, the fragile girl with BPD, he was helping me. And because it feeds his ego to have women want him. I don't know if I've already talked about that; I'm getting so exhausted.

I don't consider myself a fragile girl (woman; I'm 39) with BPD, at least, I wasn't going into this. But I became someone I wasn't proud of, subject to his manipulation, and extremely depressed. But it was so insidious that I didn't recognize what was happening to me. I just thought that it was winter, so I was depressed. Now that I haven't spoken to him in days, I actually feel happier in spite of circumstances.

This man is seriously messed up. I am so sorry you had to experience all this. He sounds totally horrible.

I am glad you are out of there and no where near him. My therapist says that it’s a waste of time trying to understand why some people do what they do. We may never get the answer. We can only figure out why we do what we do.

As about why pursuing you you when he already has someone. Bizarre. I once had totally strange thing happened. I knew someone for few years, not romantically. Seemed like a good person. Started asking me out. I wasn’t interested in dating him but was talking to him a bit. I then eventually agreed to a date and had few dates, even kissed, didn’t have sex luckily. He told me he hasn’t been dating for few years busy with his kids.

Most of the time during those few dates he talked about his ex who cheated on him hmmm sounds familiar.

His pattern of communication, topics of conversations and dating patterns (wanting to see me only on the week nights and not planning ahead, calling at weird times etc). I decided not seeing him anymore, left him a message that we need to talk, he wouldn’t call me back.

I ended up telling him in email or text don’t recall that I won’t continue dating him. He never called or texted back.

Then few months later I found out (from his family member) that this entire time he is in a serious relationship with his long term girlfriend. Family member didn’t know I even went on dates with him. He was telling me about so and so andHis girlfriend. I asked oh he has a girlfriend? Oh yeah same one he’s been with for the past few years. What???

I was shocked. Why would he insist asking me for dates??? What’s the point? He wasn’t even trying to sleep with me. More so I knew him for several years prior to all this. It all made sense though not wanting to see me on
The weekends and calling at weird times.

I sent him an email asking why was he trying to get to date him if he is in a relationship? He never replied.

My therapist said that I’ll never get an answer. People do unbelievable things.

I am so glad you are out of that mess.

He isn’t going to take legal actions. He is full of it. Amazing now many screwed up people are out there. So glad it’s over for you. Block him from everywhere.

Thank you, divine.

We talked pretty constantly over text and a lot over the phone, though he said he didn’t like the phone. However, now I’m starting to realize that, when he said he didn’t like the phone and it made him anxious and I heard the anxiety in his voice wanting to get off, it was maybe because there was someone coming over. Idk though, that could be a stretch. Thing is, I’m realizing that it’s likely nothing he told me about his relationships was true. In 2016 when we started talking, we gave it a break because he’d just gotten out of a 4 year relationship where she’d cheated on him. Yeah, I doubt that’s true. I’m not going to go into the details, but I realize what I thought was just my jealously back then was my gut telling me he was still sleeping with her. And I think back to the circumstances of that whole time, and realize how totally stupid I was to believe him then, too.

It was always that someone did him wrong, every relationship left him ragged. “It’s been a rough two years,” he said. And I empathized, because I’ve been there.

I realize now that the woman I was originally insecure about, and had asked about multiple times is probably, if not a girlfriend, a long term friend with benefits. I just know his patterns, and know his type. And I know she’s likely totally unaware of me, and of the other woman, the one I ended up contacting, though I have a sense she’s aware of me in the context he’s probably throwing out: “There’s this crazy chick who was so totally into me I couldn’t get rid of her even though she lives in Michigan. She had this whole fantasy about us to the point she was preparing to live here. She’s a stalker. I went through hell. It’s just...it’s been such a bad year for me.” And then the women feel sorry for him and end up sleeping with him.

I don’t feel rejected, and I don’t feel a sense of loss. What bothers me is the lies, and the fact that he was laughing at me the whole time, believing him after asking over and over, letting him put me down and tell me I’m crazy. It’s the sense of feeling totally taken advantage of, that the ONE thing I asked for was honesty, before even entering this relationship. I told him that I struggled with trust and if he wanted to see other women, it was fine, but I didn’t want to be a part of it. It’s the feeling stupid, realizing he whittled me down to almost nothing. And realizing that he basically told me who he was; during arguments, telling me how crazy I am, how I make his life miserable and stressful. But how he saw in me such a vulnerability, and a good heart and that’s wha5 kept him coming back. Yeah, it kept him coming back because he saw an easy target.

The last day, the last fight we had, I had already told him earlier in the day I was going to leave the following morning. It was because, during sex, I did something he perceived as wrong, and he snapped at me. I inadvertently burst into tears. I don’t know why it took me that long to be done, but I was done in that moment. I don’t know wh6 I didn’t take a shower and walk out then, but I guess I wanted to sleep before getting on the road. That night, after dinner, after rejecting his advances (“You’re pretty...beautiful eyes...”, trying to hug me), he left me in Knoxville with no ability to get back to Maryville where he lives to get to my car (where he’d already dumped my things). Uber was $110 that time of night. He ignored my texts for an hour, as well as the calls of two of my friends from Michigan, who were also trying to pay for my Uber fare (they didn’t have Uber, and didn’t know how). I went in circles with him for 4 hours, sitting in the cold, begging him to come back to get me so I could just go back home to Michigan. I told him I wanted to leave as much as he obviously wanted me to. He repeatedly told me to suck dicks for the money. When Uber finally went down to $20 and I was in the car, he finally talked to me more. I said, why are you doing this? I just want to go home. He said, “Because you’re stupid. And there is no excuse for stupidity.” It still never occurred to me then to connect what he was doing with a lack of empathy, with the fact that there may be a personality disorder I was dealing with; he’d had me so conditioned by this time to believe I was crazy, and he was the rational one.

My T sternly told me not to feel stupid, but I do. SO stupid. So much so that it takes my breath away. I’m not an unintelligent woman, and this upsets me. He took my insecurities, my past, my illness, and my overwhelming desire to feel loved and used it. For what, I don’t know. But, while I’m not bitter against all men, and I actually feel more awakened, I feel like my ability to trust and attempt future relationships is gone. I don’t say that out of despair, it’s just the truth.

Unbelievable. My brother once told me that it’s not embarrassing to be a good trusting person. It’s however embarrassing to be an a$$hole. So who needs to be embarrassed is this awful person.

When someone visits you from out of town and things go sour and person wants to leave, any decent person would make sure that the visitor is safely on his or her way. Only total a$$hole would do what he did leaving you somewhere stranded at night.

I also want to tell you that people like him are good at tricking others. So it’s not that unusual to fall for such people. They are THAT good.

Oh yeah everyone did them wrong and abused them.

I know someone who had charges pressed against her for assaulting people, was fired from every job she had for inappropriate behaviors on the job, no one in her family including her kids speaks to her yet she sings to the tune of “everyone did me wrong” her whole life. Yup this jerk likely tells everyone how you stalked him. But truth always comes out at the end.

It didn’t take you too long. You’ve met him twice and knew before even seeing him second time that he is an *****.

Good job escaping

Thank you.

Yes, my friends told me that they couldn't believe, even in regards to the fight we had in Knoxville (it was pretty bad), they couldn't understand how a grown man of 46 would leave a woman stranded when she was plainly saying she was ready to get her things and get the hell out. He was threatening me even then with a police report. He told me, while I was sitting on a bench in Knoxville sobbing and begging him to pick me up (a homeless woman sitting next to me, trying to help me find a way back to Maryville), that he'd already filed one. I said no you didn't. Not in Maryville, TN on a Sunday night you didn't.

He told me, when I was in the Uber, that since it was so late and I had a 10 hour drive, I could sleep on the couch. Then he left me in his hallway to bang on the door, pleading and texting him for 4 hours. He was awake. I saw his light on until 3am. I now believe he was just storing up texts, and recording me. I slept in the car because I was pretty overwhelmed, got a hotel room for that following night because, by then, I'd been awake for 24 hours.

I honestly wouldn't put it past him to file charges against me. He's that big of a jerk, with that big of a need to come out on top--and I just rolled the proverbial log over and found allllll the bugs I'd accused him of being there, but which he thought he'd successfully hidden from me. He knows I'm not unintelligent, and if I found K, I know about E, and I know he was sleeping with N last year. He's a covert narcissist--even my T agrees. And that's why I'm afraid. I didn't record him. I didn't save any of the texts, or any of his communication. And he knows that. I can't prove his abuse. The only thing I have in front of a judge is to say that we were in a relationship, this man was manipulative and abusive, and I was broken down by the time things ended. I am no longer contacting him. But with the abuse and finding out the lies, and then feeling also like I'd been exposed because of his lack of using a condom, yeah, I went a little ballistic. I feel like it's just a breakup gone really bad, but I know he'll spin it and I could get into a lot of trouble.

Forget about him and his part in this and concentrat on you and your BPD behaviors that got you into this pickle. Work on you so you don't end up in this situation again. Learn to stop impulse texting and getting emeshed. That's all you can do at this point. Move forward.

I'm not sure my BPD behaviors got me abused. I think, through this whole thread, I've been taking responsibility for my behavior. It is difficult, however, for someone who does struggle with the things I do to fight against being abused by a narcissist. Things happened, they are done, I don't feel like I'm not moving forward. But I come on PC so that I can talk about the things that no one in my personal life wants to hear me ruminate about. Of course I'm still hurt; this happened this week. He was in my life for over a decade. I think it's okay that I grieve and get it out on here. That doesn't mean I'm not healthily focusing on myself offline; I've got a pretty good grasp on my mental health outside of this situation, which makes how I got into it all the more painful for me.

I know you don't understand the whole context, and I understand you're probably trying to be helpful. But I'm still processing and grieving. It's still pretty fresh.

Well, I don’t have BPD but I’d not respond kindly to this guy’s abuse. I don’t see BPD as cause of this mess. It’s not like OP put up with abuse for years. That’s the second time she’s even met this jerk. And he acted moronic from the get go

Hi Graystreet--
Abusive narcissists love to manipulate and control. The threats are there to frighten you, to disarm you, to control you. But think about it: if legal action against you is bad for you, is it also bad for him: if it all becomes part of the permanent out-there public record, that includes every text and every action and failing on his part which, who knows, may just have crossed some legal line in one state or another, and it doesn't look good for his continued manipulation of other women (maybe they end up testifying...against him). Threats are just threats and if they sound awful, dismal, horrible, ghastly, blood-curdling, and generally bad, they're meant to (oh, and by the way, when I remind my wife of some of the really awful things she said to me--before we separated--she apologizes profusely, which is nice but doesn't erase how tortured I felt listening to the threats in the first place...but I digress...). But they're just threats, they're not action. And the more time goes by and he doesn't file charges, the longer it looks like he's just manipulating you. You "hit" him Sunday. It's Friday. Any legal actions filed? Any police called? No? Police maybe had a snow day Monday/ Tuesday/ Wednesday/ Thursday? Or maybe he's just full of sh-sh-sh-shaving cream. You're best defense is to decide you've already had your last communication with him and ignore him, like, forever.

This wasn't the second time we met; we have hung out more than this, but it was a longggg time ago, in a land far, far away. In a friendship capacity, when he was in a serious (4 or 5 year) relationship with someone else. But yes, thank you.

Yeah I meant second time meeting as a romantic relationship partner. People often act differently when not involved romantically (that guy who wanted to date me but already had a girlfriend was more than pleasant in other capacity, I had no clue he was like that until those few dates)

Thank you. Yeah, I "hit" him last Friday, actually. He told me on Sunday that he had already filed a report because he said I threatened him. Which is valid; we were having an explosive fight, and he had an amazing power to maintain the image of the calm, rational one while manipulating me into becoming more and more frantic and irrational. I told him I wanted to pack up and go home that night (I wasn't supposed to until Tuesday morning). We were in Knoxville to have drinks, but had been escalating in the car, and I'd chosen to stay in the car to have a minute to myself, and decompress to hopefully de-escalate the situation. He didn't like this at all. When I calmly told him to come back, to take me back to Maryville, that I thought it was best I pack and start driving home, he became snarly and told me I'd sit in the car and wait until he was done having drinks. He wouldn't tell me where he was initially, and then when he did, it was too far for me to walk on my boot (I have a broken foot, and can't walk far on my boot, especially since I'd pushed it wayyyy too much in Gatlinburg the previous day. I was in extreme pain.) I became pretty frantic, it escalated, at that point, I said I wanted to key his car while I was sitting there waiting (I'd never freaking do that; his new car is his pride and joy). So, after he left me in Knoxville (I'd went looking for him), he told me he filed a police report with all the texts and recordings.

I was like yeah...not in Maryville, TN on a Sunday night, you didn't. He never protested.

Previously, he did get a huge reaction out of me when he threatened this. I am a nurse, and I am afraid of any kind of record. I told him Friday that I'd lose my job if he came after me, because I was hysterical and, by that point in the fight, he'd broken me. He told me on Sunday he'd filed, and he didn't care if I lost my job; I deserved it. However, this is a domestic dispute and, if worse came to worse, a misdemeanor. I don't want any kind of record or the drama, and I'm not about to push this. But I'm not going to lose my job or my license if he chooses to come after me, and I realize now that he's effing with my head.

I'm in the phase of processing where I'm in my own way. I'm fighting the belief that this was all my fault, because I know I was crazy at times, and I was bad to him, too. I understand, rationally, that he was exploiting my weaknesses. But there were some really sweet moments along the way that I don't think were fake. And some really vulnerable moments on his part. On one hand I see that the whole of it is he is likely telling people I was crazy and in love with him (I wasn't), and wouldn't leave him alone, and I came down there (he asked me) after he mildly flirted with me online a few times. And I can see, looking back, how he wasn't even that emotionally available, though he was really good at making me believe he was, because he was certainly more available than he was a year and a half ago.

There were a ton of sweet moments, and though there were some glaring inadequacies now that I look at it, there still aren't any huge red flags telling me he didn't want to be with me. But I do think in his mind, it was me pushing, obsessed with him. And it just wasn't like that. The decisions we made about me coming there, about my job, were made together. He was pushing me to be with him even when I was saying, over my visit, that I didn't think we clicked anymore, and I wanted to go home. Still loving on me, still calling me beautiful, etc. It was so confusing. I see it now as his way of trying to gain the upper hand. Maybe. Or maybe he just didn't want to be rejected. Who knows. Maybe it's the same thing.

Live and learn. It's just a mindf*** that I have to now sort out.

Speaking of, that is another thing which screws with my mind. That he has had the capacity for many long-term relationships. And with smart, strong women. Women he's been in love with, professed love to. He's had far more relationships than I've had.

Like I've said in the above posts, I'm in the phase of processing where I'm fighting self-doubt and self-blame. I mean, I'm not blameless. But it's hard for me to push away the fact that he's had these long term relationships where I've not, that he has a ton of friends and is well liked, where I've only a few, close friends, and that he is well-respected within his community. I think I know, rationally, that's how narcissists work. But it's still hard.

And it's hard for me to push away that he has had these back up women on standby (because there is definitely more than one), where I invested in only him. But I know, that is not a bad thing on my part.

Sometimes, just having a place, or person(s) to vent helps with the decompression phase of healing. I hope you find some relief soon. He ain't worth it!!! And, more importantly, you deserve better.

Thank you. I'm doing pretty good. I was talking to my best friend yesterday, and she agreed. In the past, I would have been sobbing like, "Whyyyyy did this happen to meeeeee," and spiraling, and going to The Dark Place, etc etc. But while I've been angry and, yes, crying sometimes, I'm not in that mode at all. I feel like a different, better person for this.

The hardest time is when I wake up in the morning. I do feel pain, then, and I think it's because I was so used to waking up and seeing a "Good morning, beautiful" text from him all these months. Once I get myself out of bed and moving though, I'm okay. I cried at a sad song this morning, and I think that's fine. But I've been trying to be mindful of the music I listen to. And I've been journaling, so that I can both get my thoughts out of my head, and also bring my journal with me to my appointments with my T.

I'm going in to get tested Monday, just because I'm responsible and careful, and want to make sure he didn't pass anything on to me in his recklessness. That may be hard. But it's only a few minutes.

I'll be okay.

The guy who wanted to date me yet had a girlfriend sent me texts all day long including “good morning beautiful” every morning. It will help you to get over it to think he was likely sending it to whole bunch of other women. You are doing great dealing with this craziness

Yeah, I am coming to terms with the fact that the woman I originally questioned him about was probably his girlfriend all along. And she probably doesn’t know about the one I caught, either. Funny how he could have the time in his life; he works a demanding PR job requiring a lot of writing, client meetings. How in the world does he have time? He and I spent most of the evenings texting or on the phone. This was like a second full-time job for him. And, as I keep saying, just so unnecessary.

I think even he will admit that reeling me in and “conquering” me wasn’t worth it, in the end. Even before I got to Tennessee. Shoulda just called it off. But I should have, too.