Attracted to married man...

...I know, I suck. I would never act on it, as I don't see myself a homewrecker. But gawd, I work with 1400 men, why do I have to pick one who's married??

He knows I have a crush on him and he sends mixed messages. I'm sure he's very flattered. The bottom line is, though, that I don't care how mixed up he might be, I'm not. I firmly believe that one door must close before another is opened in this department anyway.

The worst part is that we're "partners" at work. Today, he told me that he doesn't talk to anyone as much as he does to me. What is that? Maybe I should start charging $150 per hour...whaddya think? Make a little extra on the side.

He doesn't speak very kindly of his wife either. Why do men do that? I told him if he doesn't have anything nice to say about her, then don't say it. Nothing in common, no sex, doesn't know why he married her...blah, blah, blah.

I've just reminded myself why I choose to stay single. Ha!
Okie

Okie...sweetie! I don't know you very well, but I've appreciated your responses to some of my problems.
You always sound so strong, I'm surprised you are feeling this dilemma! I certainly can't cast any judgment on you for your attraction to this man, as I have corresponded with my old married high school sweetheart for almost 10 years, though never acted on any impulses.
I think you would do yourself a favor to refrain from acting on your attraction to this man. He needs to get himself divorced if he is so unhappy!
Patty

Oh my! Definitely do NOT have anything to do with this man outside of work. Now, I don't mean to sound too harsh and I admit I am biased because I am trying to salvage a marriage that has been interrupted by my husands infidelity, but this whole thing just smells bad.

Any man who speaks ill of his wife is a schmuck. Any man who tries to discuss his personal and sexual affairs with his wife with a woman he works with deserves to have his head flushed in the toilet.

Seriously, ignore this man and his inappropriate attempted conversations with you or else you are going to get hurt. And after you get hurt you will have to deal with the guilt of playing a part in hurting his wife.

At lease you are smart enough to see that this is already a problem. You must stay strong and stay away from the married men, especially this one.

If he is disrespecting his wife to you, what do you think he will do to you when he tires of you? he is not worth getting involved with when he bad mouths his wife.

I like to flirt but, you won't hear me bad talk my wife of 35 years, that is for sure. I sure won't reveal any sexual matters about our relationship either. The man is a cad. Pass on this one and find another.

Hey. I don't think you suck. I don't think we choose who we feel attracted to - it just happens. I have a tendency to feel attracted to married or otherwise not available people. Don't know if this is a tendency for you or not, but I understand that it surely does suck when you know that nothing is gonna happen.

Good on you for making that decision :-) Some people don't seem to be able to do that and things always turn out to be really rather problematic as a consequence of that. I don't figure I could be with someone who left someone else to be with me. I'd be even more paranoid than I would be already that they would leave me to be with someone else.

> I work with 1400 men, why do I have to pick one who's married??

Did you know he was married before you developed a crush on him or not?? I'm just curious...

> he sends mixed messages.

He is probably very flattered indeed :-) It feels wonderful to know that someone likes us. Even if nothing more is going to happen it can feel nice. And... You should feel flattered that he feels flattered too. It must mean that he likes you.

I guess I think that there isn't anything wrong with liking someone. One is free to like whoever... It is just about looking out for oneself with ones actions. And... Maybe trying not to pine too much?

> He doesn't speak very kindly of his wife either. Why do men do that? I told him if he doesn't have anything nice to say about her, then don't say it. Nothing in common, no sex, doesn't know why he married her...blah, blah, blah.

Lol. Maybe a little dwelling on his not so nice qualities will help you appreciate that you aren't his wife!

:-)

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Maybe a little dwelling on his not so nice qualities will help you appreciate that you aren't his wife!

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Perfectly said alexandra.... sums up what others seem to think too.... including me.

Be careful there Okie. You know in your head what choices you want to make... be careful to protect your emotions from taking a path your head can't support.

I have to admit to some sisterly concern for you right now Okie. With arms enveloping you with Love's fulness to empower you I'd like to encourage you to stay true to your authentic self.

If I felt vulnerable in a situation like you are in I think I'd arrange to find another partner if that were an option. I'd consider verbalizing boundaries with him too if he persisted. For sure I'd step up the body language to let him know non-verbally where your boundries are. I'd nip this in the bud one way or another as fast as I could. He's engaging you in inappropriate intimacy pure and simple.

Really attractive married men are men like 50guy here.... the ones' who respect their wives and value their families. The ones' you can flirt with in front of their wives cuz its not about sex and intimacy. Guys like your partner there are laughable if they weren't so distructive and selfish and pitiful.

Sorry.... let myself vent there for a second... sensitive subject for me I guess. I get frustrated with guys like him. They are so distructive to our social fabric. Life is tough enough... getting on is tough enough without guys like this abusing their priveleges. I'd snip his peepee off and staple his mouth shut if I could. OMG... did I just say that!!!

Not literally of course but if he was my brother.... well I'd sure give him a piece of my mind. His overall lack of respect for all women, his wife, you and all the other women he turns his charms onto. It says volumes about his lack of character.

Having just berated your partner... I guess I shall now commit to praying for him and his family.... and others he impacts with his behaviours....

Tell him to go talk to his male buddies, his pastor.... whomever... just not you. Set some office talk boundaries or find a new partner. See him for who he is, guide him to some help and get the hell out of the way!!!

Take care....

OkieDokie,

My advice is the same as the others, I would not trust a man that is bad mouthing his wife. If he really feels that way he should get a divorce.

You cannot control who you're attracted to. You sound bright and level headed, I'm glad that you are not falling for those lines, they are the oldest in the book I think. The only one I did not hear is "we're staying together for the kids". Don't let yourself be played.

I would have a hard time remaining friendly with a person with so little integrity. I'm curious as to what he said when you told him if he could not say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.

Not to sound harsh, but you did say you picked! The very same just happened to my husband and I A woman at his work who all of a sudden, is his best friend, and the next thing I know, they are holding hands at a party, which is way out of line for him. I am a very firm believer that we stay away from these situations, just talk business only to him and leave his marriage intact on your part. I work, too, but I would not let anyone get in the way of my marriage. I was very hurt , and am still working it out. It is both parties fault when these things happen. We all know that those subtle messages get sent out to attract. Good that you see it, but for his marriage and his wife, cool it !!

I'm confused.

I don't understand why a person can't be attracted to a person and why that person can't be attracted to them and why both can't enjoy that attraction - at the very same time as being careful to put some safeguards in place and making sure both act ethically.

I don't understand this. Isn't it normal to feel attracted to people? To enjoy their company? To enjoy their presence? Isn't it part of feeling human? If we keep away from people who we feel warmth and liking and affection for then isn't that sad?

I don't see that Okie has done anything wrong and I don't really see that this guy has either. I don't think it is particularly grand what he said about his wife, but I'd have a similar problem with someone talking like that behind their best friends back. Not a very nice thing for him to have done, but sometimes... Good people do do wrong. And he seemed to take that on board.

I say enjoy it! Don't set yourself up such that you might not be able to control yourself, of course. Don't spend too much time fantasising about him etc, of course. But enjoy it. Why the hell not? I think the ethics is more about ones conduct than ones feelings. So long as one has sufficient self control over ones feelings, of course. ANd I didn't think Okie was struggling with that...

I dont see anything wrong with being attracted to someone and liking to talk to them or listen to them, its up to you to draw where the boundaries are. If he tells you his problems and you dont mind listening or making suggestions than i see absolutely nothing wrong with that either. As far as him talking about his wife, he may be a cad or he may just feel that he can talk freely around you if you are a good listener. In here and in real life i often hear women talking about something they dont like about their husbands or making disparaging comments, so its not just a man thing. The grass always looks greener on the other side. If in general you work well with him, and you have a handle on the work relationship, i dont see why you would have to change work partners. People feel attraction many times for other people for various reasons, it doesnt mean that they are ready to jump into bed with them. I think it goes back to the question of wether men and women can be friends.

Nothing is wrong with the physicl attraction. Something is very wrong with the man and his bad mouthing his wife.

I wonder how often he does it and if it is true. Even if it is true about his wife he dosen't have to bad mouth her. It takes 2 to have a disagreement. I see this kind of stuff all the time with men on the prowl. They fault the wife and sniff around women. He may have a very nice wife but, is looking for some action on the side, well he dosen't have to degrade his wife in the process.

Honesty counts. If he is looking for action on the side he needs to be upfront about it and not bash his wife while trying to score.

Just my opinion.

I use to be attracted to married men and they to me when I was single. I think, for me as a single woman they felt "safer" because they were married. There is a good, solid barrier that can be used if necessary to make them go away. I imagine for married men there's an attraction to what is "free" and doesn't/"can't" make demands on him? It's kind of like a kid proclaiming, "You're not my mother!" The barrier goes both ways and can be used in an "Oh, you/I must have misunderstood!" way to get out of "difficulties". But it can also be a lonely or sad/difficult time because of the "cost" of crossing the barrier and how rarely it is crossed, even when one sincerely wishes it to be.

Okie I pretty much agree with everyone here. Being attracted to someone is normal behavior and wonderful with someone (male or female)who shows respect to the people around them. Something that crossed my mind is that being single can be hard when we are touch starved and lonely and we can be attracted to someone we would never really look at otherwise. This guy sounds like a loser. the fact that this is leaving you upset and wondering is a red flag number 1. Disrespecting his wife is red flag number 2. I am in my 50's and it took me awhile but I got really picky with boyfriends. Manners, self respect for self,friends and possesions are key. I used to make excuses and let a relationship go on trying to make it work. My motto now is two strikes and your out. Abuse of alcohol or drug use and they are gone. My life is too short to waste. Needless to say I have a wonderful BF. Its coming up 5 years and i am spoiled rotten. Hang in there HE is out there somewhere. I used to find that safe hugs at church really made my day and kept me feeling loved.

> If he is looking for action on the side he needs to be upfront about it and not bash his wife while trying to score.

Yep. I didn't get the impression that he was trying to do that, though. I just thought he was enjoying Okie's company...

Sometimes... When people are frustrated they say things that aren't really optimal when they are venting. I find girls tend to do this more than guys, but guys do it sometimes too, yeah. Looking for some sympathy and understanding. And sometimes we feel like we will only get that if we really persuade people that we are hard done by or have been wronged somehow. I struggle a lot when people bad mouth others. And it does seem worse when they are doing it about their best friend or their partner. But sometimes people do do wrong, yeah.

I think Okie is to be commended for calling him on that!

I wondered if she might have been attracted to him precisely because he is unavailable, too. I know that is partly it for me. Safety.

Thanks for all your responses. I sort of feel like I want to defend him!

He was sharing personal stuff with me in the context of my being a good listener and being WILLING to listen to him. I was able to give him some tangible things he could do to improve his marriage. He is at a vulnerable spot in life, and I pointed this out to him as well. His age, kids at college, not close to his wife, menopausal wife, midlife crisis, etc. I advised him to put off making huge decisions about anything, and not do anything that he'd regret later on.

He did not know at that time that I had a huge crush on him. Well, I decided to tell him and now we can joke about it. When I told him, it obviously pleased and flattered him which was nice. I told him not to worry as I'd get over it.

We remain close friends, still talk about everything, we've both "been there done that" sort of thing, and continue to share our experiences.

I am too much of a feminist to betray another woman by interfering in her marriage. Just let me put that out there.

I'm really not looking for anyone and don't feel deprived of love. I do miss sex however, but that's another thread!

Occasionally, if I meet someone who I think am attracted to, I think to myself, it would have been nice if we had met a long time ago. I've had my children. I've had one bad marriage and I'm not looking for another. In fact, my ex-husband was so bad, that I never want to put myself in that position again. If Prince Charming does comes along, he will have to come with a chorus of angels and a marching band to get my attention.
Best,
Okie