I upset my daughter

I hate her hair, she looks like a boy, gets called boy by people who see her. As in is that your son? I told her she needs a new hair sylist hers can't cut hair. Shes never cut her a good hairstyle.

She can have short hair but it should be girly short hair. She said I was calling her ugly or something along those lines, I apoligized for her thinking that it wasn't my intention. I again apoligized for hurting her feelings.

We've been having the hair fight her whole life. She cut her hair at 2. Has often cut her hair, I make her grow it back. I'm there again, wanting her to grow it out and take her somewhere descent to get a feminine short hair cut. It's a buzz cut except for a little hair on top. I'm debating about continuing the conversation via phone call, but don't know if I should.

I hate her making her self ugly when she's actually pretty. She refuses to wear makeup, wears reading glasses all the time. Doesn't listen to me about how bad that is for her eyes. Just wants to be ugly. I never say that to her btw, but it drives me crazy. I grew up in a family that cares a great deal about appearances. And she anti that concern.

I told her I'd buy her a scale she doesn't want it. So I won't but they don't have one at her house and it shows.

But it’s HER hair , you might not like it but it’s her decision.

I have had my hair very short in the past and loved how easy it was. I loved it.

Why not just enjoy having her in your life and not worry about something so trivial???

Why be so upset? She can look how she wants to for everything unless she’s 1 years old and you dress her daily

I would have been furious if my mother acted this way about my appearance

She was not brought into your life to try to fulfill YOUR ideals of what a girl or woman should be. She only needs to figure out her OWN IDEALS. Everybody's are different.

Since you are her mother, you should be her main cheerleader, if you can.

She is not a reflection of you, she is her own person.

She is not being her own person, she is reflecting her step mother. Fat, and not attractive.

That’s a shame you feel that but I doubt voicing it to will only place a deeper wedge between you.

It could in part be in spite of how you feel about the topic of hair? My own mom couldn't understand why I didn't embrace wearing brighter colors. So black it was.

At some point after having had my own kids, I had fun with hair coloring. Aww man, ohhhh it's too red...ooohhh that black is too dark on you she would say. (eta...funny...my grays grow in silver! Ha! Myth debunked)

Gasp...is that a tattoo with this tongue click when I was 22. But ahhhh...years later a decade or so when my cousin got one...how lovely it was?? Huh?

Not living under the shadow is such a huge thing in the Mother/Daughter Dance.

Is she going through some hormonal changes, hence your desire to buy her a scale? Most women I know, even in discussions about history of weight, have fluctuated over various points in time. It's no biggie, really, at some point as girls then women, we figure it out and accept.

. I am schocked how you feel about your daughter and her looks. Why must she look like you? And she is 16. Why must she wear make up? Refuses to wear it? You told her to wear make up? What is this about? Make up isn’t any kind of requirement. In fact most parents would be happy their daughters don’t ruin their skin at 16. How is not wearing make up, wearing glasses and short hair cut makes one ugly?

You post a lot about your mother and her controlling way and here you go...you don’t want to be like that with your daughter.

Is this all about you having issues with her stepmother? Dont take it on your daughter. Are you seeing a therapist?

If my mom had acted like you have with your daughter I would have done those things just to spite her.

BTW wearing makeup does not make someone look girly.....most of the time the makeup makes them look totally FAKE. I hate wearing makeup & for me it is nothing but waste of money & time putting it on. I have more things to use my time & money on than makeup.

You sound like my grandma who picked on everything. I believed in being natural & anyone that didn't like it.....tough luck.

Your daughter has a right at her age to be her own person.....this sounds like it is way more about you than it is about her.

Your views about your daughter are both sexist and hurtful. Your daughter has no need to fulfill your desires about how YOU think she should look. She has every right to define her own sense of style and you really should be supporting her instead of criticizing her and making her feel bad about herself. What you are doing can seriously damage her self wareem and cause her to cut all ties with you as soon as she is old enough. There is no requirement that she have what YOU consider a “feminine” hairstyle. Clearly, she likes her hair the way it is. She is not copying her stepmom or whatever it is you think she is doing. She is expressing her own identity. You should be her biggest supporter, not her harshest critic. Being a teenage girl is already hard enough. Don’t make it even more miserable for her.

If I were in your daughter's position, I would feel very unloved. Why does she have to look like what YOU consider attractive? Why don't you let her be herself? Do you accept and love her as she is, or don't you?

You've made it clear to her that you don't approve of her unless she looks a certain way. Don't be surprised if she runs away from home. Oh, and the attack on the step-mother--harsh. Thanks for letting everybody on this forum who struggles with weight issues know exactly what you think of them.

Is this the daughter you lost custody of? Or you can’t provide a healthy home life or something like that ??

Maybe I’m mistaken

You are treating your daughter very unfairly based on this post. If she likes her hair so be it. Let her be who she wants to be. Being a teenager is hard enough without the likes of you imposing on her how you want her to look. At the end of the day it’s her hair and weather or not she wears make up is not your choice. She deserves to be who she wants to be. You should be cheering your daughter on not criticizing her. Also are you a super model? Because the jab about the weight -not cool. Your teenager doesn’t have a scale and you want to buy her one? You will only have yourself to blame if she developed an eating disorder and low self esteem. I would be thrilled if my teenager didn’t want a scale. Good on your daughter for keeping her hair the way SHE like it-that’s all that matters.

I missed court the day custody was decided thus forfeiting custody. I didn't know it worked that way. I'm dieting to lose over 100 lbs i don't want my daughter suffering the same fate, but it's too late she's gotten fat. Was a little overweight but now much more. I told her she's pretty without makeup but it enhances eyes. I've asked her why she's not interested in wearing it. She doesn't want to attract attention to herself she says. But she is by making herself unattractive. She's attracting negative attention.

She's out of control with her weight her hair her overall appearance. I've asked if she has clothes that fit because she wears sweat pants and sweatshirts. That is so awful. His side doesn't dress well at all and she's become lazy like her dad. Whose thin and lazy.

I'm so frustrated. They said not to let him get custody and I failed he got custody. She's a mess. I'm trying to clean her up.

Grrrr. Just grrrr.

You clearly don't love your daughter.

No mother who loves her daughter would say nasty, hateful things like she's fat and ugly and a mess. I wish she lived with me. I'd teach her to love and accept herself the way she is. Because if she had some self-esteem, maybe she might be more interested in taking better care of herself. And you're not going to build her self-esteem by saying things like that.

I'm going to have to leave this thread. The OP is seriously triggering my PTSD.

Im taking a guess here but since you lost custody that means you dont get much of a part in any major decisions. Im wondering if maybe you focusing on her hair and her weight is you trying to make decisions about her and her life.

let me show you something by explaining about a relatives teen ager. she lost custody which meant she could not make any major decisions of where the child lived, what school she attended, doctors she got to see all those parenting choices. now it was up to the dad to make the decisions based on what he felt was best for the child.

this relative thought by focusing on the childs clothes, hair style and weight was going to cause problems for the dad, show the dad that she could parent...well what actually happened was the girl attempted suicide, why because the mom was so against the childs hair clothes and weight that the girl took it as a personal attack against the child. she felt since she couldnt be herself she might as well be dead.

the girl ended up in a foster home and hospital as she healed and while a court battle ensued as to whether the mom should be prosecuted for parental interference and endangering the welfare of a minor through fat shaming, and emotional abuse.

the court returned the daughter to the father and the mother lost all visitation rights, the step mom adopted the child and they all moved out of state, not letting the mother know where the child is.

this mother will now never get to see her daughter, not even tell the daughter she is sorry for emotionally abusing her. this relative now has to live with the fact that somewhere out there she has a teen age daughter that may or may not decide to contact her once the child turns 18. she has to live with the fact that her fat shaming and emotionally abuser her over hair and clothes choices drove this teen to choosing suicide over her mother.

my point... I know you are upset that this girl wont let her hair grow long, that she weighs more than..........you.............want her to weight. but right now you have visitation with her. maybe its time to just put aside the fact that your daughter doesnt want long dead protein cells hanging on her neck (thats what hair is. ) and maybe its time to either contact the dad and the two of you set up a meeting with the childs doctor who can tell you whether this girl is supposed to be on a special diet or not. and then follow what ever the doctor says to do.

the other alternatives are keep pushing and the child take things in her own hands through suicide or the courts decide its best for her to not have contact until she turns 18 and makes her own decision.

I can tell you from having many nieces and nephews its normal for teens to decide to have long or short hair or even color it strange colors. and its normal for teens to gain weight children gain weight then sprout up and their weight stabilizes. its how human body takes care of those many growing phases children and teens have.

if this was my daughter, instead of trying to force the girl to change I would give her a hug and say wow you changed your hair, does it give you more freedom while playing sports or what ever other activities the child is doing. eventually the discussion moves off the hair and onto more important things like how they are feeling, how they are doing in school, who their friends are, what does she do with her friends...

Give me a break. Anyone knows if they don't show up for a court hearing that the decision goes against the person who doesn't bother to show up.

You complain about your daughter yet you do something like that. You sure didn't send any message to your daughter that you cared about her by choosing to miss the court date & yet you expect her to respect your opinion on anything else?????

Where in the world is your thinking coming from?

Don't most teenage girls dress down these days, as it is? I see it quite often.

I'm kinda of hoping that though writing about your frustrations about the whole situation here, that it's not seaping out this way to her? I'm still of an opinion that hormones in some can create weight fluctuations. Funniest thing for me was no matter what I tried in my late teens early 20s there was this 1 weight that I just could not dip below. After kids, poof...bam I dipped below that weightline. So it's kind of unfair in childbearing years to castigate over the padding many women get.

My mom was opposite over eyemakup. A happy medium was eventually found.

In divorce, it's truly too easy to carry forth the bitterness between parents. My parents were in overdrive where their divorce was concerned. I'm conscientious where my own divorce is concerned. Kids eventually grow up and figure out where the marriage soured. Why make that transition for them in resolving truth more complicated than it needs to be?

My relationship with my sons is mine, my exes with them is theirs.

Certainly, your daughter will grow and mature into being her own woman. Maybe she'll embrace make up, maybe she won't? Does she have sensitive eyes? My gram can/could barely wear eye makeup because her eyes would swell and get puffy. She would wear lipstick. I really cannot remember my mom with eyeshadow. Lacking femininity would certainly not be used to describe either my gram or mom. Might be something to consider?

Edit to add: I need to say also about how my post comes accross as at peace regarding my parents divorce, etc....Do you know how many years I have spent in therapy plus with self help, group support like this? Much anger and many tears? Too many to count. I need to say that.

Maybe you should be grateful she even allows you in her life albeit a small amount and then you proceed to bash her. What are you even thinking that makes YOUR behavior ok?

There was no excuse to miss a court date.

All this name calling and bashing is something you need to work on with a Therapist.

It’s a shame you care so little of her feelings.

What type of custody are we talking forfeited? I mean usually in a divorce proceeding the custody arrangements are part of the entire divorce contract.

Is this a full blown parental rights case?

I think it’s more to the story in regards to losing custody. Even if court places a child with one parent as primary residence, other parent doesn’t lose legal custody. Especially not if said child is only 2 years old.

The fact that you don’t have legal custody (not being able to take her to a doctor as you said before etc)says there is more to it than you missing court date. I was a primary parent as my daughter lived with me and visited her dad but he never lost legal custody and had just as many rights as me in regards to making decisions. Losing custody and where child lives isn’t the same thing

You also said you had supervised visitations and then completely lost visitation rights and only recently got it back. Courts rarely ever take visitation rights away. At the worst scenario visitation is supervised. Regardless why you lost it, it can’t be that easy on your daughter

Your daughter also had ton of emotional distress over you bringing in all kind of dangerous inappropriate men into her life and put her into distressing situations. She might still have conflicting feelings about it

Sure we all make mistakes or get into a bad place in life. But if you are in a better place now, try a bit different approach.

I think you need to focus on what’s more important.

Like trying to build relationship with her where she feels safe and loved rather than worrying if she wears eye makeup. Trying to understand who she is as a person not worrying about her looks. This isn’t the first time you have all kind of complains about her like her sexual orientation etc Now you are calling her fat and ugly (behind her back or to her face-it’s kind of extreme)

Are you seeing a therapist? Your relationship with your daughter could be discussed there and worked on in therapy if you find it tough to tackle. Parenting is hard

The way you speak of your daughter here is truly awful. Weather or not you say those things to her face. You seriously offered to buy your teenager a scale. You have only yourself to blame for any self esteem issues she will face.

This thread appears to have become a standoff, with OP and responders apparently unwilling to see where each other is coming from. After all that's been said, there's very little room left for support so we're going to close the thread before the disagreement goes any farther.