My relationship with my daughter has always been strained and now it’s harder because my son-in-law is a bit hostile toward me. For years I have worked hard to be as nice as possible to my daughter. I try to be kind and encouraging and buy her nice gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I always feel uncomfortable around her and now it’s even worse because her husband is hostile toward me. For example, he will give me intense glares for what appears to be no reason. He won’t do it when my husband is around. He smirks at things I say. He will get silent and refuse to acknowledge me at times. He’s also very dirty. When he and my daughter come it’s unpleasant to clean up the bathroom they used. His lack of hygiene in the kitchen puts hubby and I completely off. My daughter used to be very neat and tidy but even she has become kind of messy now. He’s very controlling. My hubby fears this man has the potential to be abusive - maybe not physically but emotionally.

They’ve recently had a baby and while I want to spend time with the baby, I’m just fed up with the hostility and the general bad manners. Not only that, they clearly have high expectations of me.... it costs me a lot of money in food and gifts any time I see them. I don’t want to alienate them... especially since the relationship with my daughter has been partially estranged as it is. But I really don’t enjoy being around them and I don’t even enjoy seeing the baby on FaceTime as I have to witness son-in-law glaring at me and making verbal corrections when he disagrees with things I say.

My plan has been to just suck it up and deal with it. I’m resenting the amount of money I end up spending on them though and hubby thinks we should cut that back. They don’t ever say thank you or show any appreciation. It always feels like they don’t think I did enough for them. I feel a strong pressure to cater to them, otherwise I won’t be able to bond with the baby. I’m tired of being a doormat. How do you bond with your grandchild without being a complete doormat to their parents?

I don't have grandchildren yet but as that baby gets older, maybe there will be a chance to babysit? As in, the parents are on a date or working. I hope you are able to continue to see your grandchild.

My memories of my grandmother were of us cooking together and listening to Elvis records. She had very little money and didn't buy me things yet she managed to spend quality time with me and made me feel loved. Try to stick with a budget if you can because a baby remembers being held, sang to, read to (library) and interactions not gifts. Oh, and my grandmother made me feel like I was always welcome and "belonged" at her house anytime I was there. She babysat the three of us (we were a handfull) all of the time.

It really must be upsetting to have to put up with your son in-law and daughter and have to depend on their good will. You want to have quality time--not troubled time with your grandchildren--I hope they don't ruin that. You ARE at their mercy so try to just do the best you can--sometime you do have to have time outs from relatives that are toxic. It will be tricky for sure when we have anxiety, etc. we are personally dealing with. You will want to be at your best when you are spending time with them. I think quality counts more that quantity.

Originally Posted by Nowinners

I don't have grandchildren yet but as that baby gets older, maybe there will be a chance to babysit? As in, the parents are on a date or working. I hope you are able to continue to see your grandchild.

My memories of my grandmother were of us cooking together and listening to Elvis records. She had very little money and didn't buy me things yet she managed to spend quality time with me and made me feel loved. Try to stick with a budget if you can because a baby remembers being held, sang to, read to (library) and interactions not gifts. Oh, and my grandmother made me feel like I was always welcome and "belonged" at her house anytime I was there. She babysat the three of us (we were a handfull) all of the time.

It really must be upsetting to have to put up with your son in-law and daughter and have to depend on their good will. You want to have quality time--not troubled time with your grandchildren--I hope they don't ruin that. You ARE at their mercy so try to just do the best you can--sometime you do have to have time outs from relatives that are toxic. It will be tricky for sure when we have anxiety, etc. we are personally dealing with. You will want to be at your best when you are spending time with them. I think quality counts more that quantity.

Thank you. My grandmother didn’t have money either and I very rarely saw her. But I loved her dearly as I know she loved me very much. She passed away when I was very young but I have always felt her presence with me. I won’t be able to see my grandchild often as they live several hours away but I will make the most of the time I get and hope for the best. The baby sees the other grandmother almost daily so I already feel edged out. My only choice is to accept the situation as it is but some days I feel very sad about it.

So sorry you are struggling with this Sisabel.

I think you mentioned that you were already "partially estranged" from your daughter...whose choice was that? Mutual? Yours? Hers? What was the reason? I think that is significant while looking at the present state of your relationship.

Have you tried talking to your daughter about this? 1:1 without her hub present. From a calm and non-judgmental place...something like: "I feel uncomfortable with how things are going between us these days. How are you feeling about our relationship? Are there things we can work on together to improve? Do I need to hear some feedback from you? I love you and want you and my grandchild in my life. What sort of role do you want me to play in your life?" (I would not mention the issues with her hub at this point, that may trigger her to feel defensive or shut-down)

If you resent spending money on gifts etc I suggest not doing it for a while. It doesn't sound like money was ever the cause of the relationship problems anyway or did I miss a piece?

Ultimately, if your daughter does not wish to discuss it (I don't know if you already tried) then I feel you have two choices: try to find a middle ground you can tolerate in order to continue some interactions with daughter and g/child or take a step back for a while. From your posts it isn't clear to me if you actually want a better relationship with your daughter because you want to bond with her or if you mainly just want to know your g/child? You already know this but I think, though painful, it is worth pointing out the reality that parents have a right to limit or refuse contact with their baby to anyone they choose...that includes grandparents. Though I am very sorry if that is what you feel is happening.

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

So sorry you are struggling with this Sisabel.

I think you mentioned that you were already "partially estranged" from your daughter...whose choice was that? Mutual? Yours? Hers? What was the reason? I think that is significant while looking at the present state of your relationship.

Have you tried talking to your daughter about this? 1:1 without her hub present. From a calm and non-judgmental place...something like: "I feel uncomfortable with how things are going between us these days. How are you feeling about our relationship? Are there things we can work on together to improve? Do I need to hear some feedback from you? I love you and want you and my grandchild in my life. What sort of role do you want me to play in your life?" (I would not mention the issues with her hub at this point, that may trigger her to feel defensive or shut-down)

If you resent spending money on gifts etc I suggest not doing it for a while. It doesn't sound like money was ever the cause of the relationship problems anyway or did I miss a piece?

Ultimately, if your daughter does not wish to discuss it (I don't know if you already tried) then I feel you have two choices: try to find a middle ground you can tolerate in order to continue some interactions with daughter and g/child or take a step back for a while. From your posts it isn't clear to me if you actually want a better relationship with your daughter because you want to bond with her or if you mainly just want to know your g/child? You already know this but I think, though painful, it is worth pointing out the reality that parents have a right to limit or refuse contact with their baby to anyone they choose...that includes grandparents. Though I am very sorry if that is what you feel is happening.

Thank you for the practical feedback. You are right that I need to step back when I feel resentful. My daughter has for years kept her distance from me, physically and emotionally. I have made efforts to talk about it and I have apologized for everything I can think of that I did wrong as a mother. She has made a few efforts to talk over the years but she hasn’t been very direct and open... and the tension has always remained. I’m afraid to say much because she tends to refuse to talk to me for months at a time if I offend her. I’ve given up on having a close relationship with her. It’s been many, many years now. I just try to be kind and positive around her and helpful when I can. I feel like a doormat around her and I just accept that’s how it is but at times I get tired of it. I know I could have and could still do a better job of communicating with her but I hold back for fear of what will happen. I am almost certain money is an issue with her... she has close friends whose parents have been very financially generous whereas I have expected her to work toward becoming independent and providing for herself... She’s never said this but I just sense from her that I haven’t done enough...

At this point I just want to make sure I do the right thing. I don’t want any more regrets. I’m not always sure what exactly the right thing is so I end up just buying more gifts and... basically sucking up to her and her husband. I would like a chance for a good relationship with the baby and will do my best.

[healingme4me]

Would a nervous laugh with a smile work in saying, you know, I'm sure you're thinking about a million other things but from my vantage point it looks like you're giving me the evil eye on facetime. ??

Originally Posted by Sisabel

Thank you for the practical feedback. You are right that I need to step back when I feel resentful. My daughter has for years kept her distance from me, physically and emotionally. I have made efforts to talk about it and I have apologized for everything I can think of that I did wrong as a mother. She has made a few efforts to talk over the years but she hasn’t been very direct and open... and the tension has always remained. I’m afraid to say much because she tends to refuse to talk to me for months at a time if I offend her. I’ve given up on having a close relationship with her. It’s been many, many years now. I just try to be kind and positive around her and helpful when I can. I feel like a doormat around her and I just accept that’s how it is but at times I get tired of it. I know I could have and could still do a better job of communicating with her but I hold back for fear of what will happen. I am almost certain money is an issue with her... she has close friends whose parents have been very financially generous whereas I have expected her to work toward becoming independent and providing for herself... She’s never said this but I just sense from her that I haven’t done enough...

At this point I just want to make sure I do the right thing. I don’t want any more regrets. I’m not always sure what exactly the right thing is so I end up just buying more gifts and... basically sucking up to her and her husband. I would like a chance for a good relationship with the baby and will do my best.

I think it is significant that you said: I know I could have and could still do a better job of communicating with her but I hold back for fear of what will happen.
How do you feel about therapy? Either with your daughter or on your own. An experienced family therapist may be able to break the tension here with a communication approach which is tolerable to both you and your daughter...to guide you each in slowly opening up. Or at least guide yourself in how to initiate dialogue and respond more effectively. Sometimes I think there's a lot of truth to: it's not what you say but how you say it. The current situation sounds untenable for you, your daughter, and your g/child but of course that is just my perspective.

I wouldn't necessarily assume that she's upset about money. Problems with such a deep connection as a mother-daughter dynamic usually have much more to do with interpersonal conflict, temperament mismatch, and boundary issues rather than tangible items like money and gifts.

By the way, how's the relationship between Papa Bear and your daughter? I know you said he's not a huge fan of your son-in-law but how does your husband get along with your daughter? Is there tension there too? Is he able to help with communication at all?

You said: "I’m not always sure what exactly the right thing is so I end up just buying more gifts and... basically sucking up to her and her husband."
I wonder what would happen if you said that directly to your daughter...perhaps with a slight tweak such as: "I'm not clear on what you'd like my role in your life to be...do you and your hub perceive me more as an occasional visitor or something else? I want to do the right thing by you both and the baby but I'm not always sure what that is. Can you help me out? What do you folks expect from me?"

I feel for you Sisabel. I live with a complex family dynamic myself. I would try to employ a problem-solving approach wherever possible. You suggested that your daughter has, at times, wanted to communicate with you but was not direct enough....enter therapist!

I wish you peace and positive energy regardless of what you choose.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, Sisabel The situation with your daughter sounds very complicated. I'd try to talk to her about this and make her understand how important your relationship with her is for you. You've said you've already tried, maybe you can make another effort? If you don't want to, that's ok. Personally I think you're already doing your best by trying to be polite and spending some quality time with her. Perhaps just try to ignore her husband, and if you feel like you're spending too much, spend less. I don't think you have any obligation to give them everything they want. I hope you'll be able to spend some time with your grandchildren when it gets older. Please don't give up. I know it's hard, but I think you can still have a decent relationship with your daughter. And if you don't, remember that she has to work towards it as well, so it's also her responsability: it's not your fault if things don't work out like you planned. Sending many hugs to you

[sarahsweets]

Why do you have to spend lots of money on them? Do they ask for it? Are you going on shopping sprees when they visit? Dining out? I guess I just need to understand the financial stakes.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Why do you have to spend lots of money on them? Do they ask for it? Are you going on shopping sprees when they visit? Dining out? I guess I just need to understand the financial stakes.

They get irritable and visibly bored if there isn’t a lot of food and entertainment. I don’t know how else to describe it. They eat constantly and they eat a lot more than hubby and I do. We also don’t eat the kind of food they do - we don’t eat heavy, fried food and lots of snacks like that. I keep running to get them food the whole time they visit because we keep running out. They drink a lot of alcohol and my son-in-law finished off most of the alcohol we had in the house - in one night - and hubby went to get more. We don’t drink that much. They also watch a lot of TV and movies and sports and hubby and I don’t. We read and do a lot of yard work and stuff so I keep buying movies on iTunes to keep them entertained. They live a very different lifestyle than us and it’s very expensive for us to accommodate all of that. We spent $500 in three days - on food and alcohol. It’s too much. We need a better way to accommodate them without spending so much plus we are constantly cooking for them and cleaning up. It feels like we are running a bed and breakfast when they come. It’s not relaxing.

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

I think it is significant that you said: I know I could have and could still do a better job of communicating with her but I hold back for fear of what will happen.

How do you feel about therapy? Either with your daughter or on your own. An experienced family therapist may be able to break the tension here with a communication approach which is tolerable to both you and your daughter...to guide you each in slowly opening up. Or at least guide yourself in how to initiate dialogue and respond more effectively. Sometimes I think there's a lot of truth to: it's not what you say but how you say it. The current situation sounds untenable for you, your daughter, and your g/child but of course that is just my perspective.


I wouldn't necessarily assume that she's upset about money. Problems with such a deep connection as a mother-daughter dynamic usually have much more to do with interpersonal conflict, temperament mismatch, and boundary issues rather than tangible items like money and gifts.


By the way, how's the relationship between Papa Bear and your daughter? I know you said he's not a huge fan of your son-in-law but how does your husband get along with your daughter? Is there tension there too? Is he able to help with communication at all?


You said: "I’m not always sure what exactly the right thing is so I end up just buying more gifts and... basically sucking up to her and her husband."

I wonder what would happen if you said that directly to your daughter...perhaps with a slight tweak such as: "I'm not clear on what you'd like my role in your life to be...do you and your hub perceive me more as an occasional visitor or something else? I want to do the right thing by you both and the baby but I'm not always sure what that is. Can you help me out? What do you folks expect from me?"


I feel for you Sisabel. I live with a complex family dynamic myself. I would try to employ a problem-solving approach wherever possible. You suggested that your daughter has, at times, wanted to communicate with you but was not direct enough....enter therapist!


I wish you peace and positive energy regardless of what you choose.

This is all good advice and ideally it would be the healthiest thing to do... talk it all out with my daughter and a therapist. At this point I think the best I can do is be kind and get along. There’s a long history of stuff here and I’ve been rejected so many times in the past... so I work on acceptance and how I can cope with it. Thank you so much for your kind encouragement. Probably at this point I need to work on myself... things like better boundary setting and better acceptance of things I can’t change... That’s why I’m here talking about it. The problem-solving might need to start with myself and go from there...

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Would a nervous laugh with a smile work in saying, you know, I'm sure you're thinking about a million other things but from my vantage point it looks like you're giving me the evil eye on facetime. ??

OMG yes I have almost said something like that. I have so badly wanted to call him out for glaring at me.... and your suggestion is definitely a light and harmless approach to addressing it. Hubby has advised I stop trying to censor myself so much around him and to just be myself.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

OMG yes I have almost said something like that. I have so badly wanted to call him out for glaring at me.... and your suggestion is definitely a light and harmless approach to addressing it. Hubby has advised I stop trying to censor myself so much around him and to just be myself.

It sounds like you are not wanting to be direct for fear of not being able to have a relationship with the baby or with your daughter or both.

I agree with the other person who suggested counseling. For you and your husband to learn some techniques for dealing with your daughter and son-in-law.

If you don't want or can't afford that--you might try an old-fashioned technique of allowing your husband to be more of a buffer between your daughter+son-in-law...for example...Dad might say: "We're not big drinkers, and so if you want Stoli [beer, wine, whiskey, whatever it is] while you are here, I suggest you bring it with you."

Dad might also say: "Mom has been tired lately. When you visit, please don't expect her to prepare food all day long. We eat 3 meals a day and a snack about 3, that's plenty to ask of her."

Dad could say: "Fried food is off the menu here; if you want that when you are here, why don't you and [the glaring son in law] plan to go out by yourselves one evening while you are here, Mom and I will stay home with baby." And all of these things you could say for yourself. None of what I suggest is rude, mean or unloving. We can love our children without catering to them.

Stop buying gifts other than for the occasions you want to buy them; and then temper the amount you spend. If you get any expressed problems with that...say "At this point in my life I need to conserve my finances." Any pouting or dirty looks, you can ignore -- or you can address.

I'm guessing he learned to be greedy in his own home and your daughter is under his influence plus it suits her unspoken agenda--her unspoken agenda seems to be some sort of unhappiness. But remember, she is an adult now. She can get therapy to deal with her unhappiness.

The hard fact is that with people who think money is everything? There is never enough money/gifts/extravagances.

Your daughter's problem could have very little to do with anything you have done or not done. You might try approaching it like that:

"Daughter, you seem unhappy." [wait for response]. If you are accused directly of something, respond as appropriate.

If you are given a vague, "need more things/money/extravagances," respond with a hard truth that all parents should be able to tell their children: "Things/money/extravagances do not make a happy life...here are some things that do: [then according to your culture, faith, lifestyle, etc. share some things that do: love among family and friends, doing a good job, enjoying time with friends and family, getting an education, contributing to the betterment of society, etc...]"

Filthy son-in-law should be told directly: "We clean up after ourselves in this household; please wipe down the counter after you shave, etc" [whatever applies] Bullies are only able to bully like he has been doing because you are folding under his glare and continued boorish behavior.

I know I have posted a lengthy reply. Bottom line: when we love each other we want the best for each other -- going both ways. What is best for your daughter and son-in-law is that they stand on their own two feet and what is best for you is you love them without being enslaved by them.

I'm guessing you are fearing they will withhold the baby from you. I am doubting they will; and I suggest you move forward with the idea that they will not do this. I wish you and your family the very best.

[sarahsweets]

When I read this I really couldn't believe it but 500$!!!I cant even wrap my head around that type of greed and entitlement. It doesnt matter if the past wasnt good with your daughter. You cant change the past, you try and live your best life now and be good to her EMOTIONALLY, spirit-to-spirit. Money has never been able to make humans happier. Sure temporarily, maybe make life easier but never true contentment. That part comes from inside. And who the f**k does this son in law think he is? What kind of respect is that for the mother of his wife?

I know I am very direct and blunt but I do not waste time anymore beating around the bush or walking on egg shells. I just tell it as it is. I would talk to her alone and tell her that you love her and will support her emotionally as much as you can but you will no longer be her entertainment committee and personal financer when she visits. And to drink that much alcohol indicates to me that someone has a problem because that is not normal-and definitely not normal for a visit at your moms. And if she is like this now she most probably will use the baby to hijack your heart. You are going to have to put up with it. Its sh*tty and selfish and unfair to the baby but you are not the one doing it , she will be. People that use children and grandchildren to basically blackmail or coerce someone into behaving a certain way have issues-issues that go beyond just having bad history with someone. And that son in law? be direct with him to. "I dont know if you realize it but you do not treat me very well when you visit. I feel like I deserve to be treated better when you come, especially because you are a guest in my house." See what he says. He very well could back down, or he could be a **** about things but you have to set some boundaries.

We teach people how to treat us. If we put up with bad behavior and poor treatment, we are teaching those people that we have no problem with getting treated like crap. If you put a stop to it and stick to your bottom line there is hope that it will stop. He may very well freak out and influence your daughter. That will be heart wrenching-but not your fault. My 18 year old high school senior took off last March and moved in with this party girl and her druggie family. After cutting her phone and towing away the car that was in our name, we had to pull away and let things take their course. It was so hard. To know she was on the only side of town doing god knows what and there was nothing I could do about it because she was 18. BUT she came back, went to rehab and lives in a sober house, graduated high school and is working towards getting back with family. We had to raise the bottom line to meet her. Do not tolerate it anymore, If you do it is you who will pay the price and you who will be at fault. I dont mean to be harsh but as I said I am very direct.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

This is all good advice and ideally it would be the healthiest thing to do... talk it all out with my daughter and a therapist. At this point I think the best I can do is be kind and get along. There’s a long history of stuff here and I’ve been rejected so many times in the past... so I work on acceptance and how I can cope with it. Thank you so much for your kind encouragement. Probably at this point I need to work on myself... things like better boundary setting and better acceptance of things I can’t change... That’s why I’m here talking about it. The problem-solving might need to start with myself and go from there...

Best wishes to you Sisabel

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

When I read this I really couldn't believe it but 500$!!!I cant even wrap my head around that type of greed and entitlement. It doesnt matter if the past wasnt good with your daughter. You cant change the past, you try and live your best life now and be good to her EMOTIONALLY, spirit-to-spirit. Money has never been able to make humans happier. Sure temporarily, maybe make life easier but never true contentment. That part comes from inside. And who the f**k does this son in law think he is? What kind of respect is that for the mother of his wife?


I know I am very direct and blunt but I do not waste time anymore beating around the bush or walking on egg shells. I just tell it as it is. I would talk to her alone and tell her that you love her and will support her emotionally as much as you can but you will no longer be her entertainment committee and personal financer when she visits. And to drink that much alcohol indicates to me that someone has a problem because that is not normal-and definitely not normal for a visit at your moms. And if she is like this now she most probably will use the baby to hijack your heart. You are going to have to put up with it. Its sh*tty and selfish and unfair to the baby but you are not the one doing it , she will be. People that use children and grandchildren to basically blackmail or coerce someone into behaving a certain way have issues-issues that go beyond just having bad history with someone. And that son in law? be direct with him to. "I dont know if you realize it but you do not treat me very well when you visit. I feel like I deserve to be treated better when you come, especially because you are a guest in my house." See what he says. He very well could back down, or he could be a **** about things but you have to set some boundaries.


We teach people how to treat us. If we put up with bad behavior and poor treatment, we are teaching those people that we have no problem with getting treated like crap. If you put a stop to it and stick to your bottom line there is hope that it will stop. He may very well freak out and influence your daughter. That will be heart wrenching-but not your fault. My 18 year old high school senior took off last March and moved in with this party girl and her druggie family. After cutting her phone and towing away the car that was in our name, we had to pull away and let things take their course. It was so hard. To know she was on the only side of town doing god knows what and there was nothing I could do about it because she was 18. BUT she came back, went to rehab and lives in a sober house, graduated high school and is working towards getting back with family. We had to raise the bottom line to meet her. Do not tolerate it anymore, If you do it is you who will pay the price and you who will be at fault. I dont mean to be harsh but as I said I am very direct.

My daughter did the same... dropped out of high school... drugs for a few years... lots of financial issues piled up.... she did pay off her debts because we made it clear we would only help if she either went back to school or if she worked a second job instead of partying all weekend. She never worked a second job and never went back to school. Hubby and I have worked hard and saved and have gone without extras like vacations in order to prepare for retirement. But all my daughter sees is that we have a nice home and they both clearly assume we can afford whatever.... the son in law even mentions expensive steak houses and whatnot while he’s here.

Everybody is right in telling me I have failed to set boundaries. My daughter went more than a decade of only talking to me and visiting about twice a year... guess when those times were... she called and visited around her birthday and Christmas. I’ve allowed myself to be guilted into generosity at birthday and Christmas because I never helped her out when she went through hard times.... I offered help but on the terms that she also help herself and so she refused it.

I’ve got to get a grip on this emotionally so I can make better decisions. If I don’t, that grand baby will walk on me just like they do. And when I do retire, I can afford to feed and entertain them like this.

You are completely right. I’ve taught them to treat me like a doormat. I don’t let anybody else in my life walk all over me... except my daughter and it’s a big double standard... I’ve beat myself up for years and years that I’m a bad mother and I’ve got to stop it.

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

It sounds like you are not wanting to be direct for fear of not being able to have a relationship with the baby or with your daughter or both.


I agree with the other person who suggested counseling. For you and your husband to learn some techniques for dealing with your daughter and son-in-law.


If you don't want or can't afford that--you might try an old-fashioned technique of allowing your husband to be more of a buffer between your daughter+son-in-law...for example...Dad might say: "We're not big drinkers, and so if you want Stoli [beer, wine, whiskey, whatever it is] while you are here, I suggest you bring it with you."


Dad might also say: "Mom has been tired lately. When you visit, please don't expect her to prepare food all day long. We eat 3 meals a day and a snack about 3, that's plenty to ask of her."


Dad could say: "Fried food is off the menu here; if you want that when you are here, why don't you and [the glaring son in law] plan to go out by yourselves one evening while you are here, Mom and I will stay home with baby." And all of these things you could say for yourself. None of what I suggest is rude, mean or unloving. We can love our children without catering to them.


Stop buying gifts other than for the occasions you want to buy them; and then temper the amount you spend. If you get any expressed problems with that...say "At this point in my life I need to conserve my finances." Any pouting or dirty looks, you can ignore -- or you can address.


I'm guessing he learned to be greedy in his own home and your daughter is under his influence plus it suits her unspoken agenda--her unspoken agenda seems to be some sort of unhappiness. But remember, she is an adult now. She can get therapy to deal with her unhappiness.


The hard fact is that with people who think money is everything? There is never enough money/gifts/extravagances.


Your daughter's problem could have very little to do with anything you have done or not done. You might try approaching it like that:


"Daughter, you seem unhappy." [wait for response]. If you are accused directly of something, respond as appropriate.


If you are given a vague, "need more things/money/extravagances," respond with a hard truth that all parents should be able to tell their children: "Things/money/extravagances do not make a happy life...here are some things that do: [then according to your culture, faith, lifestyle, etc. share some things that do: love among family and friends, doing a good job, enjoying time with friends and family, getting an education, contributing to the betterment of society, etc...]"


Filthy son-in-law should be told directly: "We clean up after ourselves in this household; please wipe down the counter after you shave, etc" [whatever applies] Bullies are only able to bully like he has been doing because you are folding under his glare and continued boorish behavior.


I know I have posted a lengthy reply. Bottom line: when we love each other we want the best for each other -- going both ways. What is best for your daughter and son-in-law is that they stand on their own two feet and what is best for you is you love them without being enslaved by them.


I'm guessing you are fearing they will withhold the baby from you. I am doubting they will; and I suggest you move forward with the idea that they will not do this. I wish you and your family the very best.

You’re exactly right. I’m acting with the fear at every step of what the consequences might be. I’m paralyzed by it...I would give everybody the same advice you guys are giving me... and that is basically... to stop it.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

They get irritable and visibly bored if there isn’t a lot of food and entertainment. I don’t know how else to describe it. They eat constantly and they eat a lot more than hubby and I do. We also don’t eat the kind of food they do - we don’t eat heavy, fried food and lots of snacks like that. I keep running to get them food the whole time they visit because we keep running out. They drink a lot of alcohol and my son-in-law finished off most of the alcohol we had in the house - in one night - and hubby went to get more. We don’t drink that much. They also watch a lot of TV and movies and sports and hubby and I don’t. We read and do a lot of yard work and stuff so I keep buying movies on iTunes to keep them entertained. They live a very different lifestyle than us and it’s very expensive for us to accommodate all of that. We spent $500 in three days - on food and alcohol. It’s too much. We need a better way to accommodate them without spending so much plus we are constantly cooking for them and cleaning up. It feels like we are running a bed and breakfast when they come. It’s not relaxing.

It sounds like they both have a problem with alcohol. Do either of them work?

Originally Posted by Sisabel

They get irritable and visibly bored if there isn’t a lot of food and entertainment. I don’t know how else to describe it. They eat constantly and they eat a lot more than hubby and I do. We also don’t eat the kind of food they do - we don’t eat heavy, fried food and lots of snacks like that. I keep running to get them food the whole time they visit because we keep running out. They drink a lot of alcohol and my son-in-law finished off most of the alcohol we had in the house - in one night - and hubby went to get more. We don’t drink that much. They also watch a lot of TV and movies and sports and hubby and I don’t. We read and do a lot of yard work and stuff so I keep buying movies on iTunes to keep them entertained. They live a very different lifestyle than us and it’s very expensive for us to accommodate all of that. We spent $500 in three days - on food and alcohol. It’s too much. We need a better way to accommodate them without spending so much plus we are constantly cooking for them and cleaning up. It feels like we are running a bed and breakfast when they come. It’s not relaxing.

From what you have said realize you shouldn't buy any alcohol and let them borrow a book if they need entertainment. Time for a big pot of ham and pinto beans with rice? Sauted cabbage and onions every day? Oatmeal and bananas for breakfast? I bet they are overweight and all of this would be good for them. Buy the cheapest food possible (cheap is not necessarily unhealthy--young parents don't need to be drinking alot--they have a baby to take care of.) If it's not good enough then they can supplement the supplies with their own money. I bet all the comments above will help with your guilt. I also sometimes do too much for others. I get it.

Originally Posted by Nowinners

From what you have said realize you shouldn't buy any alcohol and let them borrow a book if they need entertainment. Time for a big pot of ham and pinto beans with rice? Sauted cabbage and onions every day? Oatmeal and bananas for breakfast? I bet they are overweight and all of this would be good for them. Buy the cheapest food possible (cheap is not necessarily unhealthy--young parents don't need to be drinking alot--they have a baby to take care of.) If it's not good enough then they can supplement the supplies with their own money. I bet all the comments above will help with your guilt. I also sometimes do too much for others. I get it.

Yep. You got it all right. It’s ridiculous we spent so much time and money. Hubby and I had a long talk today about how the next visit needs to be. And one major important fact is we will have to sit with the discomfort of my daughter and her husband being unhappy with us. If we don’t do this now the grandchild won’t respect us either.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It sounds like they both have a problem with alcohol. Do either of them work?

We are suspecting they both drink a lot.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It sounds like they both have a problem with alcohol. Do either of them work?

We are suspecting they both drink a lot. They still go out to bars and concerts a lot... even after the baby. My daughter no longer works but her husband does.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

... I’ve beat myself up for years and years that I’m a bad mother and I’ve got to stop it.

I swear MI can rear it's head during the course of the teen years. I say this because good parents can and do wind up with children with MI. I really hope as time goes on some compassion enters the minds of those that like to say "eh...look at the parents, the parenting skills, is there a broken home, not a broken home, what traumas went on behind closed doors and on and on and on and on..." it can happen to any parent.

Be gentle with yourself you're up against something that you probably didn't even cause...if that makes sense?

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I swear MI can rear it's head during the course of the teen years. I say this because good parents can and do wind up with children with MI. I really hope as time goes on some compassion enters the minds of those that like to say "eh...look at the parents, the parenting skills, is there a broken home, not a broken home, what traumas went on behind closed doors and on and on and on and on..." it can happen to any parent.

Be gentle with yourself you're up against something that you probably didn't even cause...if that makes sense?

Thank you. I’m ok with admitting I made mistakes and I wasn’t perfect. There are definitely some issues I don’t understand though and likely never will. I wish I could just stop beating myself up and start being more direct and stop being a doormat. I know better and I know I can change this. In a positive way. I know it can be done in a positive way. I’ve spent a lot of time working on it and I’m managing it better than I used to but every now and then it really gets to me.

[Open Eyes]

Sisabel, it's not easy to raise a child and no one is "perfect" at it either. I can think about things I would have done differently myself. I did read different books, read about child development and I had to learn about dyslexia because my child has dyslexia. There are plenty of "good" parents that end up having challenges with their children despite their efforts to be a good parent.

A parent is often the one a child tests the most too. Most parents finally get appreciated when their own child finally experiences the actual challenges of what it means to raise a child for themselves. And even when a parent is caring and is a good parent, their child will be exposed to piers that can hurt them and present them with "toxic" behaviors that create deep injuries. Also, a parent can have a child that is challenged that is misunderstood and the child slips through the cracks hurt because they had a challenge where instead of being helped they were picked on or punished. A parent can try very hard to help their child develop self esteem only to have some teacher or a pier group destroy their self esteem too.

We have learned a great deal about child development in just the past ten years. So if a child had some kind of challenge and now they are older they can see "their" problem and decide how bad their parent was because they failed to get the help they needed. Also, there is no guarantee that a parent and child will bond either. A child may have some kind of attachment disorder that confuses the parent. And a parent may have problems themselves, a major health challenge, perhaps a parent develops depression or some kind of MI that makes being a parent more challenging. I myself struggled with endometriosis and that was a huge challenge for me and I had such a hard time with PMS because when I got my period it was like having more than one uterus producing hormones in my body. Now they know more about this challenge and how debilitating it can be, but when I struggled with it I was blamed for whatever I failed to do in "just" functioning normally. I did the best I could, and I was not perfect, no one ever is.

From what you have shared, your daughter has been influenced by her piers and has decided to use drugs and "escape" life instead of learning how to engage and be responsible. Your daughter doesn't respect you or appreciate the things you do for her either. Actually, it sounds like she has learned how to manipulate you into giving in and allowing her to have the power and control. That is what you experienced when she came to your home with her husband and just expected you to provide food and alcohol and wait on her.

Ok, you were not perfect and you have apologized, but that doesn't mean your daughter deserves to have all this power over you.

The one I feel sorry for is the baby. And I will be honest with you in that if I saw the parents getting drunk and abusing alcohol around that baby I would be reporting it to DCYF. If your daughter's home is filthy and her and her husband are abusing alcohol constantly around that child, then that child needs help and Child Services may need to intervene. I have myself anonymously reported child neglect. Being drunk around a baby is WRONG and very dangerous. And it will get even more dangerous when that baby begins to explore because the mother might be too drunk and the baby can get into something dangerous. Truth is NOW there are a lot of children that see their parents overdose. Alcoholism is an extremely narcissistic and selfish disease and NO child deserves to suffer with alcoholic parents. Think about it, if YOU and YOUR husband are uncomfortable around your daughter and her husband think about how it will be for an innocent baby and child. So, "please" seriously consider sharing your concerns with child services and you CAN report anonymously.