[Lavieilamant]

Yeah I allowed it. Yeah I saw the red flags and I ignored them. I’m not exactly sure why I’m writing this other than to hear someone else’s understanding of my life than the people around me who keep saying I should have said something. If you make it through this very lengthy recap, you’re a saint. It’s hellish.

I met this girl through a mutual friend in May 2018. She’s a singer, I do branding/marketing and a bunch of other stuff but I didn’t really have much of a direction with my life. I was in school and had a full-time job. She was also in a FT job and hosting her first event. Everything went really fast and we never separated from the day we met. I was in a fresh relationship so I figured I could take the risk and get into it with her instead. I thought we could build together. For the sake of reference, let’s call her G. I’m Female/22, she’s 23 at this point.

After I moved in with her, she left her job a couple days later. She was experiencing sexual harassment for a few months and management wasn’t dealing with it. She has a history of sexual violence so it was very triggering for her. I was understanding about the situation and I said I could manage things for a while. The honeymoon phase was over a couple weeks later ... I got no support in going to work. Fake apologies, her saying she isn’t a morning person, yadda ya. I cried sometimes because I was so stressed. I also stopped school. Eventually I lost my job as well.

G met this guy who said he would become her manager. He made no ridiculous promises and seemed pretty honest so we went along with it. My skills were the main driving force behind her career - photoshoots, social media management, creative direction, graphic design, etc. I didn’t realise it at the time but the manager was also taking advantage of me by booking jobs and giving me very small cuts of the pay - claiming everything was a favour and they were unpaid anyways. I’m a team player so I did what I could to support the whole thing. Eventually, he turned out to be crap and we cut him off. For the sake of transparency in her career for the future and based on the fact that I was already doing all the work plus I had worked in media, I decided to become her acting manager.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t yet as confident in myself and I wasn’t making as much money but the burden remained on me because she still had no job and refused the idea of going back to a 9-5. We had moved into an expensive central apartment and we couldn’t afford the rent. Within 4 months we had to move. I cut a deal with my family so we could have the studio - same dwelling but unattached. It was small but we made it livable. I worked harder and got more confidence, I started to make more money. She still wasn’t into the idea of getting a job. By this time (9-12 months later) I had already invested so much that I kept saying to myself if I got her to a stable enough point in her career I could relax. Things were working out for her but she still wasn’t making any money, she broke even or put me in the red with her gigs, which were not that frequent. G was able to record a six track EP (short album) that was released 2 months later, in August 2019. She was on cloud nine - I was panicked and stressed everyday with all the background work plus client work plus ensuring I gave her enough attention and trying to be human.

I need to clarify that over this time, her behaviour progressively got worse. She was verbally aggressive at first, then it escalated to verbal abuse - accusing me of not loving her enough to do certain things, cursing about how much she hated me crying, calling me weak, getting in my face, breaking things, throwing things at me, stopping me from leaving the room, etc. She would always somehow turn the blame around on me for her behaviour and I always took it. The times when I tried to call her out on the BS didn’t go well for me. I don’t like confrontation so I tend to dissociate when people shout at me or get aggressive and we were fighting so often I kept losing chunks of time. I work from home so I had to blank out to get work done if things were tense. I had to make money because if we were broke or had no food she would complain. However when we did have money all she wanted to do was spend. I couldn’t buy anything for myself because she wanted one too. She didn’t care to help me budget even though she did accounting - only cared about spending exorbitant amounts at the supermarket for a two person household. She would get petulant when I said no to unnecessary stuff, saying she couldn’t wait to be independent and have her own money.

In August, things were really tense. I had spent a lot of time and money in launching her EP, she got a new dog I didn’t want and I still had to work. I remember the day vividly - she was arguing about something that didn’t matter and getting in my face. I fought back. We tussled. She kicked me in the ribs - I was winded. I cried. Kept defending myself against her despite the pain. Eventually when things stopped she realized how much pain I was in and started apologizing. It didn’t matter. I was in pain for weeks - every night she wanted to cuddle and pretended to feel bad when I said no, I’m in pain. I told my mom a vague version of what happened. I went to the doctor because the pain wouldn’t stop. Doc said I had a fractured 8th rib. I couldn’t stop having flashbacks. The fights continued. I found texts of her cheating with some girl because she broke my phone and I had to use hers. It never stopped.

Fast forward to November - we were invited to a festival in Europe, paid trip. It was great. My first time going to Europe so I was really excited but I was also super stressed with all the preparations and extra work - trying to make enough money for the stay because the stipend wasn’t enough. They funded the first week but I had family in London so I said we could stay with them for a while. It was supposed to be my vacation but she guilted me into booking a later return date for her as well.

We argued for the entire trip. My aunt kicked us out after 2 days because she didn’t like her attitude. We were lucky to get a place to stay with a sister of a friend. My bank account was drained by the time she left because she wanted clothes and shoes and perfume and sightseeing trips and fancy dinner. We had agreed that we would cook before we got to Europe to save money but she just wanted to eat out everyday. I was broken. I had made a lot of money - a few thousand £- and it was all gone. I hadn’t gotten much for myself yet and I still had another 2 weeks before going home. I was lucky to get work from a client but it wasn’t enough to see me through. I had to ask my mom for help and she isn’t well-off. It wasn’t her first time putting herself in debt to help us. This was my last straw.

I broke up with her and told her to be gone when I got there, I didn’t care if she had a place to stay. She couldn’t find a place because it was December and she also had no money or job. I asked her to be gone at least for a night so I could breathe. She didn’t come back until a week later except for clothes. I kept swinging between angry and sad and regretful for the whole month. She kept saying she loved me and she knew I was hurt. I softened a bit and told her to come home and then she started saying things just to hurt me so I got angry again and told her to come get her stuff and leave, even though I had agreed to let them stay until end of December. I started talking to people and found out she was pretty toxic and had lied about what really happened with her exes. I tried to confront her to get some closure but it just ended with me feeling stupid for trying. Now she’s blocked me on everything and is staying with her ‘best friend’.

I feel used and spit out. Not sure where I begin or end. Very hollow and out of sorts. I’m trying to put my life back together but I keep blaming myself for not following my gut and overextending myself to make her happy. I had thoughts of kicking her out months before but I didn’t know what would happen to her because her family kicked her out 6/7 years prior for being queer. I felt trapped and I kept digging myself deeper. I also feel a lot of rage because I’ve lost a lot of time and money. This is my third abusive relationship. The second one sent me to a mental hospital. I told her about it and she always said how much she hated that person for what they did but now I wonder if she just hated the fact that I was damaged and she knew eventually I would break things off if I got too confident - which she also worked hard to stop. The internet says the best revenge is to be happy ... but how do I get to happy when all I want is for her to suffer and hurt like I am?

TL;DR - I was in a manipulative, emotionally and physically abusive relationship with a girl for a year and a half. Now I’ve kicked her out and I hate her for using me for so long and I don’t know how to pick up the pieces because I’ve been so broken before.

[bpcyclist]

I am so sorry you have been dealing with such a painful situation, both emotionally and physically. I read your post twice. I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for 15 years. I could write a novel about your post, but I won't. The bottom line is that she is a violent, manipulative, financially irresponsible, abusive woman. If you haven't already, you need to go to no-contact with her. In my experience, people like her, if they ever get better, it takes years and years of work and therapy. You must put her in the past, where she belongs, and concentrate on your future. Today.

Her assaulting you and serially abusing you is NOT YOUR FAULT. You did nothing to deserve this. There is nothing wrong or defective about you. She is a predator. But to move forward you have to stop replaying this awful past. I know it is hard. When you find yourself re-living something painful or confusing, try to identify what is happening with you in that moment and re-direct--as though you were a toddler. Except, at this moment in time, the toddler is you. Recruit a little of what is known as DBT and distract yourself. Watch a show or a movie or go to the beach (you have some nice ones where you live) or exercise or do yoga or meditate or ride a bike or run. Or draw or paint or sing or play an instrument. Do something that takes your energy and attention and directs it to a more positive, helpful place. This is what I do and it usually works.

Sending you positive, healing vibes. Strength and self-compassion. Her shi*** behavior is not on you. Don't allow her to gaslight you. Just keep moving forward. You are young. There is lots of time. You will get through this. But you need to take some action to help yourself.

Had one of my best vacations ever at Negril and Ocho Rios. Such lovely people. And yummy lobster.

[Crazy Hitch]

You really do need this time to yourself for some “me” time. I think you lost a part of your identity and you need to rediscover who you are. Find small pleasurable things you can do.

Life has dealt you a super low blow that you don’t deserve and it will take time to heal. Be kind to yourself.

[Lavieilamant]

Thanks for the support all. I just saw that my post was approved as I didn’t get a notification about it or the replies.

It’s been really hard. There are some days when I feel like I’m okay and I will be fine focusing on myself and my business and other days where the thought of how much I’ve been used just makes me curl up into a ball. Distracting myself is not that easy because I tend to obsess over details. It’s good for my job but no so much the rest of my life.

It feels like a really bad cycle and I know it will take time to heal but I am in a place (like @crazyHitch said) where I do not know myself that much. I was previously diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder & Dissociative Identity Disorder so I know that I already have to struggle with mood swings and feeling generally out of place but now it’s worse and I really don’t know what to do. It’s taking all my strength just to get through a regular day. I am trying to speak to a counsellor but I fear she may eventually tell me that it’s too much for her to handle and send me to the psychiatrist, which means going back on drugs that I don’t want. I always end up feeling numb and like I’m in a daze, watching my body from the outside.

I really want to do my best to take care of myself. I have tried to redirect my energy into designing or writing music but I’m still in my head a lot and the time just keeps going by. I also have trouble with feeling like I deserve certain things, especially since I’ve now been home for a month swinging from manic to depressive and I haven’t done much work. The beaches are great @bpcyclist but getting there and back plus enjoying the day takes money and time and I’m just here trying to get my finances back in order. It’s a rough situation right now. I’m glad you had a great time here, it’s a beautiful country.

I know the best thing is to let go. I don’t have to worry about no-contact cause she’s blocked me on everything I could possibly reach her by except email - as if I was the one who hurt her and not the other way around. I just don’t know where to start. I have a few friends that I talk to about the situation but I don’t want to become burdensome so I avoid the topic if I can. Nobody likes someone who is complaining all the time. My energy is really low and I’m vibrating on all the wrong frequencies. I keep wishing I could get to the me before this relationship but then again I’d probably still end up here because I was raised in a similar household where my mom does everything and my ‘sperm donor’ doesn’t work. He actually called me a ‘waste of sperm’ last week. I try to ignore him.

I just wish the pain would stop. I thought it would lessen by now but it hasn’t. If anything it gets worse for me as more time passes because I feel less like a human and more like a shell. It feels less acceptable to talk about what happened ... like I should just ‘get over it’. I’m having trouble with watching tv or movies - especially when they involve romance of any kind. Or worse, when they have scenes of domestic violence. I get really anxious and I start having flashbacks and I cry. Or I feel panic for the person - no matter how much I try to remind myself it’s just tv. I cry every time I try to talk about it. I’m crying now.

I don’t know when it’s going to get any better.

Possible trigger:

I’ve been suicidal since I was 7 years old. The thought has crossed my mind so much now it feels stupid. I’ve already tried and failed a couple times. But it’s where my mind goes when the pain is too much.

I’m just trying to stay alive until the next day.

[bpcyclist]

I'm so sorry you are struggling, Lavieilamant. These things are always so hard. But I think you have the right idea. When you're in the storm, it's just survival. Lower your expectations for the moment. This is your current reality. It is not the permanent reality. I have also been having a very hard time and when I am at my worst, I sometimes have to just take it about one minute at a time. And when I make it to the end of that minute, then, I start working on the next present minute. One foot, then the other. Don't worry about the whole, big, giant mess or fixing it or controlling it. You can't do any of those things right now.

Feeling utterly powerless is a scary and painful place. But you are not alone. Many other people here on PC suffer a similar road. You can do this. Just try to focus on the small, doable things. I was going to write a lot today, but I did almost nothing. I suddenly took a huge mood and energy downturn today. So I readjusted. My goal now is to finish this post and go try to sleep. That's it. Not judging myself because I did not get more done today. I do what I can do.

So, be gentle with yourself. Stop judging. Just do what you can do. And you will make it.

[Lavieilamant]

Thank you very much for your words. I appreciate them a lot. The part about having a huge mood shift and readjusting helped me to think about it for a while. I’ve been under pressure since about 2016 to constantly be working to ensure the other person’s survival (I was in a different unhealthy relationship then for about a year).

I think I felt extra stressed today because I anticipated this Monday being my ‘get back to work’ day and I felt like a failure because I no longer had the willpower to do all I had planned. Even though I have been home for the last month I used the holidays as a sort of ‘excuse’ to allow myself to rest and now that they have passed I don’t feel like I am allowed to rest anymore. I get that I need to be kinder to myself and take it bit by bit ... sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s not.

I was also raised under pressure so I feel like I’m not getting anywhere if there isn’t a looming deadline or I’m not berating myself for my ‘wasted’ time. I ensured that I knew how to read by age 3 because my father used to ‘discipline’ me with the belt if I didn’t get words right while being taught. I was homeschooled up until the 4th grade. Doing work is my safest place so I don’t know how to function without constantly working. He is also a religious fanatic so I didn’t have any friends or know anything about life outside of the church for a long time. I’ve always lived a very unbalanced life and it’s difficult trying now to tell myself that just being alive is more than enough so I should take it easy.

I’m working on it though. At the very least I’m aware of where my trauma stems from and I can identify issues in my life that have led to certain behaviours. I blame myself for not seeing that I deserved more while I was in these unhealthy relationships but blame doesn’t really help anybody. I swing between anger and blame a lot right now because if I’m not blaming myself then I’m shaking with anger at the injustice of what the other person did. It feels like Karma isn’t working fast enough. People keep telling me to let it go. Work on myself. A really hateful part of me wants to mess up her life in any way I possibly can. I tried so many times to forgive her and every time she spit in my face.

In any case, it all comes back to one minute at a time. Nothing else you can do. Can’t control everything ... even though you would love to. My dreams have been better than reality so I go to sleep. I’ll wake up and go right back because I haven’t seen the end of that one .. even though dreams have no end or beginning. Even when they’re nightmares. At least they are nightmares I feel in control of.

[Open Eyes]

It can be very hard to get rid of early conditioning from a parent like your father. A parent can instill some very toxic thought patterns in a child.

It's very possible that your desire to punish this person for not appreciating all your effort stems from how that is what your father actually instilled in you. That is what he chose to do "punish" and he even hit you too. This tends to become a road block when it comes to "letting it go" after all, your father did not "let things go" if you did not measure up to what HE wanted from you.

The other challenge you desribe here is how your personal reward ability is OFF. You struggle to function without some presence PUSHING you like your father did. This sets a person up to become a codependent which leads to relationships that are unrewarding and toxic for you. Then your only feeling a sense of safe when you are working and doing, that too is learned behavior that comes from your father.

Without realizing it Lavieilamant you tend to gravitate to the familiar, it's what you know and the path you take because it's what you know. This is a path your father chose for you from a very early age, but it was NEVER a path of your own choice and NEVER healthy for you. Your father trained you to need to please others NOT yourself. He trained you to follow the needs of others too, again NOT for yourself.

Also, if you sit and think about it, this person NEVER really loved and cared about you, this is the same dynamic you experienced with your father. Your father did not know HOW to love a child, that NEVER means you were not worthy of love. Your father did not think about YOU either, instead he was only capable of thinking about what HE wanted from you. This is the familar to you that you need to finally realize so you don't keep ending up with the same personality your father had that was simply never healthy for you.

I swing between anger and blame a lot right now because if I’m not blaming myself then I’m shaking with anger at the injustice of what the other person did.

This is who your father was, you need to break away from him mentally and learn how to be a different person than your father is. Your father's presence is in your mind too much.

[Open Eyes]

My dreams have been better than reality so I go to sleep. I’ll wake up and go right back because I haven’t seen the end of that one .. even though dreams have no end or beginning.

Your brain is trying to show you that you CAN have your OWN dreams. You need to work on them when you are awake instead of just when you sleep. Your dreams during sleep tend to be when you escape from your father's crap you had to deal with so many years in your childhood.

You need to remove the negative type presence that is constantly making you do for them. That includes when you begin to become that negative presence yourself towards yourself. It's time to create a presence in your mind that keeps telling you "lets play for me, do for me, create for me, love me".

[Open Eyes]

I need to clarify that over this time, her behaviour progressively got worse. She was verbally aggressive at first, then it escalated to verbal abuse - accusing me of not loving her enough to do certain things, cursing about how much she hated me crying, calling me weak, getting in my face, breaking things, throwing things at me, stopping me from leaving the room, etc. She would always somehow turn the blame around on me for her behaviour and I always took it.

This is what your father did with you too. He just used the belt, she yells, and turns the blame on you constantly.

Can you see how they are similar always needing YOU to perform for them?

[Open Eyes]

The internet says the best revenge is to be happy ... but how do I get to happy when all I want is for her to suffer and hurt like I am?

This is how your father was with you, needing YOU to suffer when you did not measure up to HIS expectations.

Perhaps it's better to remove the word revenge. Perhaps it's better to think about it as "overcoming" experiencing a toxic person by putting more effort into focusing on yourself more and doing things that make YOU happy.

I struggle with complex ptsd too and I know the anger that develops.

There tends to be a lot of cognitive disonance that presents with ptsd. In your case you have this resentment about her and you lack confidence in yourself at the same time. When the brain has these two dynamics happening, the frontal lobe struggles to move forward and engage.

I happen to sit and watch a biography of an actress, her name was Aster, not sure of the spelling and she started in silent films and she was really a beautiful child and young teen and even adult. She had an extremly controlling father that literally used her to be his cash cow. He was extremely controlling over her and she did not have any friends. She finally broke away from her parents who could no longer live their lavish lifestyle without the money they made her pay all to them. They even actually sued her and ended up having to agree on getting a small allowence from her instead of them taking her money and only giving her a small allowence.

Anyway, she tended to end up with controlling men and one of these men she had a child with and he did not make her happy and he cheated and she cheated. Well, she always kept a diary from when she was very young. It was only true outlet for her throughts, became a friend to share her throughts and feelings with. He found her diaries and threatened to use what she wrote against her if she did not give him full custody and the house and money. She agreed at first and then decided to fight him for custody of her child. It played out in court and made headlines which back then was not wanted by major Hollywood studios that tended to keep tight control over all their stars so they would maintain the illusion they portrayed onscreen.

During the trail she was also in a movie which is one of the best parts she ever acted in. What she did to help her maintain herself all through this court battle was she used the charactor from the part she played. She would slip into that character and be that character and that helped her navigate through all that messy court battle. And she ended up winning custody of her child.

The reason I am telling you about this is because this is what you should work on too. You should develop a person within yourself that becomes stronger than the presence your father created in you. There is actually a therapy that teaches this, and this new presence becomes your "wise mind" that keeps growing stronger than the father part in you that you continue to follow along with. This is what the actress Aster did, she stepped into the character she was playing that was wise and calm and poised. This helped her distance from the problems her father created in her that is similar to what you experienced. This is what I mean by "overcome" verses "revenge".

[Open Eyes]

Mary Aster is the name of the actress I talked about in my post. I tried to post a link about her and another link about codependency that is in the current Psych Central Newletter. For some reason when I put in links I can't get my post to come up.

[Have Hope]

@Lavieilamant I am so sorry for your pain, your rib, and your experience with this woman. What a nightmare! Your current feelings and anger at her are totally understandable. You may feel angry for a long time.... take the time you need to in order to take care of YOU.. what I found in my own experience with abusive and toxic relationships is that underneath it all, I was mainly angry with myself for allowing the abuse to occur in the first place, and for not seeing or ignoring the initial red flags.

So... once you can get around to it, what you can do is learn and GROW from this experience. What did it teach you? Where are your boundaries? Were your boundaries and limits tested & violated early on, and did you allow it to happen? Did you give of yourself too much? Should you not give so much so soon the next go around? What red flags did you dismiss early on? Next go around, pay attn to the red flags and heed them as strong warnings of what is to come.....

Most of all, take care of you..... allow yourself time to be angry, but to enjoy your time now away and out of that most toxic relationship. Find yourself again.. give yourself some self love and don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and many of us have found ourselves in similar toxic relationships. Definitely do not beat yourself up.. forgive yourself and give yourself a healthy dose of compassion.... we all live and learn. This is a learning opportunity for you. Think of it that way.

Sending love, light and healing hugs your way!

[Lavieilamant]

It's very possible that your desire to punish this person for not appreciating all your effort stems from how that is what your father actually instilled in you. That is what he chose to do "punish" and he even hit you too. This tends to become a road block when it comes to "letting it go" after all, your father did not "let things go" if you did not measure up to what HE wanted from you.

@openeyes you hit all the nails on the head. I can clearly see how I would feel rage now at the situation because of my father's influence. I didn't really think about that part of the dynamic before. I know that I'm naturally a pretty great person and I don't like to see people hurt, which is why I feel bad about how I ended things, no matter how abusive she was. I basically kicked her out and cussed her every day over the phone for weeks until she eventually blocked me after coming for the last of her things. I felt horrible afterwards but then I started raging again because I felt stupid for feeling bad. After all, she deserved all that was coming to her right? I was trying to carry out my own karma. It's strange when you think about how much we carry our parents burdens and traumas. I carry my mother's people-pleasing and my father's anger. Both are heavy burdens that I am trying to shed.

The other challenge you desribe here is how your personal reward ability is OFF. You struggle to function without some presence PUSHING you like your father did. This sets a person up to become a codependent which leads to relationships that are unrewarding and toxic for you. Then your only feeling a sense of safe when you are working and doing, that too is learned behavior that comes from your father.

The whole reason I decided to do as much as I was doing is because I didn't feel like my life had any real purpose or direction so I was happy to support someone who knew what they wanted. I admired her drive because I wanted it so badly for myself. Then when it seemed like she lost her drive, I took on her dreams for myself and made them my own goals because I knew it would make her happy. That's wild.

During one of my rages after the breakup I told her she was exactly like my father. Funny enough, they hated each other and argued frequently. I guess because they saw themselves in each other. It makes sense. I tell myself would never do what I did for a man but I felt that because she was a woman, I could endure it because women should support women.

I can see how I would have repeated the patterns, even if I thought it was different.

[Lavieilamant]

Perhaps it's better to remove the word revenge. Perhaps it's better to think about it as "overcoming" experiencing a toxic person by putting more effort into focusing on yourself more and doing things that make YOU happy.

I struggle with complex ptsd too and I know the anger that develops.

There tends to be a lot of cognitive disonance that presents with ptsd. In your case you have this resentment about her and you lack confidence in yourself at the same time. When the brain has these two dynamics happening, the frontal lobe struggles to move forward and engage.

This also makes a lot of sense. In the times when I feel confident about myself, I am forgiving and I wish her the best. When I feel low, I want her to be in pain. The truth is that she is already in pain. Losing me will always be one of her greatest mistakes because I know that I am worthy. I think the part that makes me feel low is just how everyone flocks to her because of her 'music' (which btw, I co-wrote uncredited because she felt insecure about putting my name on them). It makes me want to scream and message every single person to tell them the truth so they know who she really is but then that would only make me seem desperate so I end up feeling stuck. It's difficult especially because of our many, many mutual friends who somehow seem to not care about my side, what's happening to me.

In speaking with her ex, who has now become a friend of mine, I found out that she has a tendency to spread awful rumours to make herself look good. This same ex let me know the truth about how things ended - because she is non-violent and G's story stopped making sense to me. G made herself out to be the victim of a fight standing up for herself when really she was the one who made the ex bleed. It worries me because I care a lot about my reputation. I know that it shouldn't matter to me what people think but I spent a lot of my life being bullied and the ex was bullied a lot by people who only heard G's side of the story.

[Open Eyes]

The thing that is important to keep in mind is that you actually "want" to learn and grow as a person. It's not your fault that you absorbed some of your father's bad patterns of thinking. Yet, if you can slowly discern what these patterns are, then you on the road to learning how to catch them and say to yourself "no, I am not going to carry that stinking thinking of my father's".

I wanted to post some links for you but every time I try to put a link I can't get my post to happen. There is something wrong that has to be looked into.

[Lavieilamant]

Mary Aster is the name of the actress I talked about in my post. I tried to post a link about her and another link about codependency that is in the current Psych Central Newletter. For some reason when I put in links I can't get my post to come up.

Thank you for sharing the story of Mary Aster, I will have to do some reading up on her life. I understand the character development aspect of things, I've been slipping into personalities since I knew how to read and write. I made stories of princesses and dragons, of lives far better than my own so that I could disconnect from what was happening in my life. When I was admitted to the hospital they said I was hypomanic and speaking of my other personalities. I've done my best to step away from acknowledging other persons in my mind and try to live as a whole unit but it hasn't been the best solution. When I refuse to step into another character, it feels like my whole body is shutting down because no one else is there to continue coping, I won't let them. I've identified a distinctly masculine personality as well as a more sexual, feminine personality along with that of a child. I believe I may have been living as the child for the majority of the relationship, because of the similarity to my childhood.

A child who didn't deserve to play or rest and had to work to keep things together because survival depended on it. I had to be hypersensitive to my environment so I could avoid doing the wrong thing. I avoided singing because my father would complain about the noise. I discovered last year that I am not only a great songwriter but I can sing as well. So now I sing out loud whenever I am moved.

Now I am trying to create a healthier character to step into. She is much stronger than I have ever been and she can easily identify red flags or toxic traits. She speaks with love and still believes in love and the general goodness of other people. She won't allow herself to be treated poorly or give in to the mixed signals of those around her. She definitely doesn't try to anticipate people's needs or take responsibility for their emotions. She's looking out for herself while still being kind. I hope to eventually integrate this persona into my everyday personality.

@Have Hope thank you for your supportive words as well. I am doing my best to acknowledge the lessons in this experience, as expensive as they have been. I think despite all the money I've lost (which I am sure I will regain), my biggest loss is the total sense of safety in my own skin. I am living with the flashbacks and being triggered by simple things. I can't watch any scenes of violence against women without feeling extreme anxiety. It starts to feel like everything just happened and no time has passed.

I know that eventually I will be okay and time will heal these wounds. Right now it's difficult to focus on myself completely. I still feel the need to be taking care of someone or something other than myself (which I know is my codependency traits talking). It's a work in progress and I will get there someday.

[Lavieilamant]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

The thing that is important to keep in mind is that you actually "want" to learn and grow as a person. It's not your fault that you aborbed some of your father's bad patterns of thinking. Yet, if you can slowly discern what these patterns are, then you on the road to learning how to catch them and say to yourself "no, I am not going to carry that stinking thinking of my father's".

Stinking thinking! Haha, I have to write that one down for the books. Thank you so much for the support and kind words

[Open Eyes]

When I refuse to step into another character, it feels like my whole body is shutting down because no one else is there to continue coping, I won't let them. I've identified a distinctly masculine personality as well as a more sexual, feminine personality along with that of a child. I believe I may have been living as the child for the majority of the relationship, because of the similarity to my childhood.

Yes, I know what you are describing. The masculine personality is your father. The feminine is probably your mother and then you have that very challenge child part of you. You are NOT crazy, lots of individuals do carry aspects of their parents in their minds. This is how human beings are designed, we imprint more than we realize. I have a challenged child part to me too, it's due to how challenging it was for me as a child growing up in the environment I had to deal with that was just too confusing for me. I did see a lot of abuse.

[Lavieilamant]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Yes, I know what you are describing. The masculine personality is your father. The feminine is probably your mother and then you have that very challenge child part of you. You are NOT crazy, lots of individuals do carry aspects of their parents in their minds. This is how human beings are designed, we imprint more than we realize. I have a challenged child part to me too, it's due to how challenging it was for me as a child growing up in the environment I had to deal with that was just too confusing for me. I did see a lot of abuse.

That's curious, I didn't think of those parts as representing my mother and father because the personalities are so different from theirs but it could be a projection of sorts that is the complete opposite of them. Maybe thinking that if they were so different my life would have also been different? It's an interesting thought. I'm going to ruminate on it some more.

Seeing so much abuse at an early age really does take a toll on you, huh? It basically sets you up for trauma bonding in your romantic relationships. I read about that today and it reminded me of something I read years ago while going through a similar situation. It's funny how much reading I've done to learn more about psychology (basically 12 years ago and I'm 24 next month) yet I refused to believe what was right in front of me. 'Love like you've never been hurt' can really come back to bite you in the arse, haha.

At the very least, we are some of the few who are able to acknowledge what's going on and try to heal from it

[Lavieilamant]

For some reason, right now I'm struggling with no contact. The 8th was her birthday and everyone kept posting pictures of her on social media and it INFURIATED me. Especially one picture that shows her somewhere she lied about even being. I don't have access to her at all except through email and I haven't responded since her last on on the 1st but I just sent three. Actually, I sent a formal email about 4 days ago about my intellectual property - which she hasn't responded to.

My chest aches and my mind is racing. I've bitten down all my fingernails even though I painstakingly, finally grew them out after 20 odd years of biting. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I know that this is the part of the addiction breaking pain I will have to endure but ... yeah. I have a gnawing headache now. I keep waiting for a response that I know won't come. I keep asking 'why me?' I keep raging.

Unfortunately, I have some important documents here for her that would be difficult if not near impossible to replace that I know she has to pick up. I could easily give them to my mom and tell her to pick them up at her workplace but for some reason I keep saying that she needs to grow a pair and come for them herself. I've only seen her twice since I came back home - once when she came to get more clothes and the second time when she came for the rest of them. Both times I was too angry to see anything but red so I wrapped my arms around myself and went to sleep. I know she's acting cowardly and my rage won't let it go.

I don't know what I expect her to do. Break down and admit everything was a lie? Tell me more lies? At this point and with all that I have uncovered, I doubt she could speak a word of truth. I don't know what my aim is. I'm conscious of the fact that what I am doing is pointless. I keep looking for closure that will never come. I'm still wearing the stupid engagement ring from an engagement that lasted less than a month because I broke things off. I wear it on my middle finger, telling myself that it's a reminder of the stupid s*** I've done so I don't do it again. Knowing that it's really me holding on to the only thing she's ever actually given me.

Her stove is still in my studio - even though I told her I would call a bailiff for it because it hasn't been fully paid. It was my money paying the bill anyways and I'm not interested in paying it anymore. The alternative is to allow her to actually get it back and at least have something to cook on if she finds somewhere to live.

This has been the longest, nastiest breakup I've ever had to endure. It's been a month now since I made the decision to end the relationship and it's as if I'm lowkey waiting for her to fight for me - but she isn't and it pisses me off. She says she loves me and will always love me, hoping for a chance to treat me better in the future because she knows what she did was wrong. As much as I know it's all a part of the game, a part of me really, really wants to believe it.

[Have Hope]

This is a symptom of codependency, keeping all the focus on HER, what she does and how she feels. Here's some great tips on breaking codependency, relationship addiction & finding yourself again:

The codependent definition is:

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior,” according to Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.

In order to break the cycle of codependency, you need to recognize codependent tendencies and traits.

Here are 5 ways to have healthy relationships when you are codependent on your partner.

1. Practice Self-Care.

When you are involved in a codependent relationship, you often lose sight of yourself. You spend the majority of your time and energy trying to fix the other person. To move forward and create healthier relationships, it will be important for you to take time to explore yourself.

Explore your likes, dislikes, needs, desires, thoughts, and feelings. It will be detrimental if you don’t take the time to understand what you need from a relationship. If you don’t take the time, you will slip back into the pattern of taking care of someone else.

2. Learn to be Independent.

Start doing things by yourself without feeling like you always need to be around your partner. Take yourself out to dinner, go to the movies alone, or pick up a new hobby. Typically, people who experience codependency find it very difficult to spend time by themselves.

Codependent people have grown to be dependent on others for self-fulfillment. Learn to be content with being alone rather than fearing it. This is powerful in overcoming codependency.

3. Set Realistic Expectations.

If you place unrealistic expectations on your relationships then you will be let down. Expecting someone else to fulfill you is only setting you up for heartbreak.
Learn to be happy with who you are as a person. That way, you don’t have to expect someone else to be the sole provider of your happiness.

4. Practice Setting Boundaries.

Codependency in relationships often means there are very few boundaries in place. Chances are, you have spent a lot of time worrying about other people. And, you have let go of many of the important boundaries in your life.

Therefore, it is important to learn how to say “no” to people or situations that are not healthy. Saying “no” does not mean you are being selfish or disrespectful. Saying “no” means you are looking out for your well-being.

5. Deal with Your Past.

Sometimes, your tendency to display codependent behaviors is a result of past trauma. Take a look at your family relationships, abuse, neglect, or other events that may be stopping you from being comfortable with who you are.

Digging up things from your past may be painful and uncomfortable, but it is necessary to be able to move forward.

If you feel like you may have the tendency to turn towards codependency, it is important to recognize that you can break the cycle!

Break the cycles by working on your self-care and by learning how to be more independent. And, set healthy boundaries and realistic expectations in order to achieve healthy relationships.

5 Tips for Breaking the Cycle of Codependency in Your Relationships

[Open Eyes]

This is also a good video talk to watch. I have actually found this woman's explaination about narcissists and how to identify the red flags and what YOU may unknowingly do to attract them that you need to pay attention to as well.

I watched a couple of her video talks and honestly, out all I have seen thus far I found her talk the most helpful of all.

[Open Eyes]

This is also another challenge you are probably dealing with that you don't realize:

It's important that you pay attention to how you try to "please" others. From what you have shared in your original post where you talked about everything you experienced and how hard you tried to help this individual, you were not appreciated and ended up broken down. And the anger you are feeling actually is justified in that your time and effort was not appreciated by this GF.

What you need to see when you sit and review this entire experience that turned out so badly, is to recognize the things you did that did work in this experience. You did experience "some" accomplishments in this effort, however, there were things you did and gave into with this individual that you also need to see that you now have to accept responsibility for. Now, my effort to say this to you is coming from my desire to not criticize you or contribute to you feeling like you failed or to contribute to your grief and pain. Instead, it's from one very hurt person to another. And in all honesty, I wish I had been exposed to a presence that helped me understand these dynamics discussed in these videos I have posted for you.

I tend to WANT to understand the why, and it's been that way my entire life. Lots of people respond with "forget about the why and JUST". Well, THANK GOD there are people who DO explore the why factor. It's because of these individuals that we are able to click on a video like the ones I have posted for you, that really help us see the forest through the trees. No one chooses to get caught up in the same dynamic only to once again get hurt.

Also, a child can grow up with a parent that is a narcissist and INSISTS that child become a codependent. It's no wonder so many struggle with depression and low self esteem issues or never seem to fill a void in themselves, often for the rest of their lives even.

If you think about your anger when it comes to the GF that basically chewed you up and spit you out and how you see other's latch onto her because she can sing? Well, all that means is she continues to have something that she can use to take advantage of others just as she did you. And she will most likely find another sap she can use and discard. Thing is, not every person who has "something" actually ends up creating a true positive from it. Sometimes the star they carry simply burns out and they are left with nothing too. And typically, if someone is a narcissist, they tend to leave a trail of broken people just like you too.

It's best to cut your losses and learn how to better identify the kind of person that will never appreciate you no matter what you do for them. It's better to pay attention to how you may be attracted to the very kind of person that you will never please, fix, change or get the respect you deserve from. It's also very important to identify this kind of person because they do know they can draw you back into their game of using you if they want to.

[Open Eyes]

Here is yet another video that talks about breaking down and hitting a wall and taking some time to allow yourself to take an inventory of the positive energy you did put out there. You did achieve things, you wanted to give in a positive way and you did. The problem was that you genuinely did not get true positive back when you should have.

I know for myself, I definitely hit one huge wall and I am still suffering from a very toxic person and I still have things left in what I am going through where I have to deal with this toxic presence a bit longer. When dealing with a narcissist, they just create truely "fowl" things before you can finally end whatever you need to end with them. It's pretty bad when having to learn how to just do your best with how truely fowl ending something with a narcissist can be. It can leave anyone very drained and deeply depressed.

So here are some words of wisdom from this woman that may help you some. Truth be told, I myself have hit a wall, so I feel for you and I myself am listening to this advise.