[Affliction]

Hello,
We've been through a lot in our 15 years together. A lot of trust issues in the last ten alone. Within the last 5 years I've developed alcoholism, I am a functioning alcoholic. My wife in the last 5 months started attending rehab. I was as supportive as I could be considering nothing was planned. During our separation our talks started out normal and nightly. Then at some point during our conversations her phone would go off. She said it was emails coming in. That started my paranoia. Then I got switched to a different time, 1-2hrs earlier than I used to talk with her. Then came a point at her stay where she was depressed, she said her friends had left and all the inbound patients were horrible and annoying. I came down for Christmas to spend time with her, first chance I got I rifled through her phone looking for anything. I don't if what I found was the right thing or not. However she had one particular person who she was in constant contact with. She was literally making time for him to spend as much time with him as possible. She used, to what I felt, as meetings to spend time with him. Mind you, I do not know at all how the rehabilitation world works. I don't claim to understand the camaraderie or bonds that are made during the process.
The times we fought I was going through anxiety of our separation, what I felt was our connection to one another. Each time we had fought I found in her texts she ran to him for consolation and followed his advice without question. Then I found texts where she initiated a deeper want for connection by saying, "miss you". Another text went, "You are so good to me, I envy your relationship with <girlfriend's name>. Another instance was her telling him she was going to doctor for appointment. When he asked what for she told him, "for birth control". That same day I remember I asked the same question and she told me for a pap-smear since she hadn't done one in awhile. Mind you we had been separated for months and I am days away from her. He knows I'm days away from her and have no ability to just 'drive' and have intimacy. Finally a ticker for me was after a relapse she had she mentioned to me she was going to look for a better facility that was cheaper. She ended up going to a more expensive one. I kept asking her for the address and she wasn't giving it to me, she would only give me the name. So I google'd it...the address looked familiar so I looked over the pictures from her phone that I got when I first looked. It was the address he was staying at...it was a co-ed facility. She literally went from an all-womens to co-ed. I approached her directly about it. She proceeded to tell me that I didn't know anything about the recovery process and that it was all in my head. That they had no relationship on that level. That she didn't even know if he was there. I told her I found it hard to believe considering their past history of communication. Our fighting got to a point where she finally said she had enough and was leaving me. Then shortly after he was discharged she suddenly spent a day trying to get a hold of me to talk. She complained about how the facility was horrible and that she was days away from just walking out. I questioned her saying that during the first two weeks she was saying it was a great place. Her reply was that she was just trying to give it a chance. So during this talk she spent, as I said, a day calling me literally on the clock. once at 0648 then 0915, and finally at night before lights out. This was after her declaration of separation/divorce. I let her know what I did was wrong rifling through her text. That I had intruded on her life forcefully and that I was wrong for doing it. I apologized whole heartedley for disrespecting her. I told her that I would be there for her where she could not handle from where she was at. I told her I would manage life on my side. She has not talked to me since. So my question now is...what should I do or think about all of this. To me it felt she was just using to verify her financial/medical status. Which in our talks told her I would take care of. Am I just an idiot. Or am I really the villain in all of this who has used paranoid justification for my actions.

[bpcyclist]

I don't know her and have no idea how she operates, so just cannot comment. That said, I am sure she is not pleased about your rifling through her phone. That never goes over well and is not a sign of a trusting relationship, obviously.

How long has it been since you have not spoken with her? Also, what exactly is a functioning alcoholic?

Sending you strength and support. I am sure this has been very difficult for you.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I don't know her and have no idea how she operates, so just cannot comment. That said, I am sure she is not pleased about your rifling through her phone. That never goes over well and is not a sign of a trusting relationship, obviously.

How long has it been since you have not spoken with her? Also, what exactly is a functioning alcoholic?

Sending you strength and support. I am sure this has been very difficult for you.

Functioning alcoholics are people who maintain presentable life styles on the surface and function well in a society: no problems with the law, maintain good behavior in public, stable careers (often lucrative careers as one needs to make a lot of money to buy alcohol on a consistent basis), no issues at work, no DUIs, never drive drunk, good cars, don’t get into fights when drunk, nice houses and overall function well and lots of times others don’t know that the person is an alcoholic (could guess by a puffy look and sometimes smell but that’s about it) unless they live with him/her.

functioning alcoholics mostly drink at home or similar private venues and usually alone, not bars etc so not to make fools of themselves or get in a trouble.

Could be binge drinkers or daily smaller amounts drinkers but they are addicts nonetheless, they are just addicts who managed to fit their addiction into a presentable life style

[Open Eyes]

Within the last 5 years I've developed alcoholism, I am a functioning alcoholic. My wife in the last 5 months started attending rehab.

Your wife is trying to become "sober" and it's VERY hard to not only not drink/use but to stay sober and deal with life challenges and living your life sober.

You have mentioned that you ARE still using/drinking and are a functioning alcoholic. Therefore, you will not be able to understand what your wife is going through. Not until you bite the bullet and commit to living your own life sober. You live life using the crutch of alcohol, you say you are a "functioning" alcoholic, but as time goes on this disease you have WILL get worse. She is trying to not use that crutch, it's VERY challenging and this other guy somehow probably helped her. This is NOT anything you can provide for her as long as you are still using/drinking.

You COULD go to some AA meetings and learn more. You do need to understand and respect these people that WANT to learn how to live their lives sober. You would be surprised how many individuals from all walks of life are going to these meetings and TRYING to learn and maintain a sober lifestyle. Some couples do this together however, they tend to also go to men's and women's meetings and find a same sex sponser to help them.

Actually, many alcoholics engage in drinking/using to escape trauma and ptsd they don't even know they are struggling with. For those individuals, it's even more challenging.

[Have Hope]

@Open Eyes gave a very good response to your situation, and I agree with her perspective 100%. While you are not sober, you and your wife will have a very hard time being together and/or relating. You must understand HER needs right now, which is rehab and sobriety. That's her priority, and you need to respect and appreciate that. Perhaps being together is not a good idea if you are not going to be sober. It will be most difficult for both of you. She probably needs this other person to help her through the difficulty of sobriety, because honestly, you're not going to be of any help to her with this. You must know and realize this. And yes, I am being blunt.

[Affliction]

Just wanted to say sorry, I work 12-hour shifts and tonight was the 2nd time I went to an NA meeting. Thank you BPcyclist, Divine1966, Open Eyes, and Have hope. I am listening to everything you all have said. It's not easy to absorb. I rifled through phone out of habit because before her rehab she'd do that to me. This does not make it right or justify my actions. It was me replaying things done in our past when she wasn't sober. I didn't take the high ground and try to be the better trusting person. I put myself in the area of her life she's trying to get out of.
The thing to me. and I hear and appreciate everyone taking the time to help, during the earlier part I was dumbing down my drinking...going from hard alcohol to beers at just 2 bottles a night after kids asleep. A 40 oz once in a while for a crappy day. My increased drinking came after I went down for Christmas to visit. her and after reading what I read in the texts. He was literally the last person she would talk to and first person she'd text in the morning.
I do hear you all and thank you, I am trying to practice the advice you have taken the time to give me. I apologized with as much as I could about intruding in on her life, for fighting with her every step of the way. For disrespecting her for what she is trying to do and for bullying my opinions. I'm backing off. Last month I barely texted except for what was needed. I left her her space and have been working on that part this week. I can't say thank you enough for helping me

[bpcyclist]

You guys are just in completely different places right now. Completely different.

[Be Still]

I think this situation is part of the many chaotic situations that come from having a toxic substance induced relationship. You have become codependent on her and of course you have anxiety that maybe if she recovers she won’t need you anymore. A functioning alcoholic is an alcoholic in denial. The disease is progressive so we cannot think we are more powerful or in control of it. There is no shame in seeking help and becoming sober. But it’s a journey you have to walk by yourself because it is a personal healing. Let your woman have this time with herself. She may relapse many times or whatever happens, but you cannot try to be the center of her universe and receive her undivided attention while she’s is in recovery. That is not fair. Especially if you agree that her healing and peace is more important than your feelings right now.

I think you should use this time to also get help. Resolve any pain of abandonment, rejection, or need for approval you have carried from childhood. These are the root causes of addiction later in life. Go on your own journey. Even if your love with this woman doesn’t survive, atleast both of you have gained back your lives. You don’t need substances to make life brighter again.

Healing should be your top priority. Give her space to make up her own decisions regarding her old lifestyle (which involves you). And if a separation is what SHE needs to begin her healing/recovery, then understand that she is doing this because she desires what we all desire and that is to feel whole and at peace within ourselves. You should desire this for your wife as well. You should also desire this for your self! The conflict/drama is created because both of you are in a toxic substance induced situation. Remove the substances and everything will become clear.

[Open Eyes]

I was dumbing down my drinking...going from hard alcohol to beers at just 2 bottles a night after kids asleep.

First, alcohol is alcohol, doesn't matter if it's in hard liquor, beer or wine. My father drank hard liquor and tried to dumb down with wine and he would say that he read wine was good for you, but NOT the way he drank it.

The other thing I want to point out to you that's VERY important is that what you and your wife have, this challenge with alcohol WILL most definitely affect your children. I AM a child of a father who was a binge alcoholic, and it affected me in ways I had not realized and I ended up marrying a man who also was a binge alcoholic. This was back when there really was not a lot understood about binge alcoholism. What you and your wife are creating that you are not seeing is CODEPENDENT prone children.

I have sat at Alanon meetings horrified by learning how parents with these challenges were dealing with children that WERE A MESS and listening to their challenges horrifed me. The other thing you have to be aware of in this picture is that a person can be genetically prone to alcoholism too. So both you AND your wife can have challenges with your children down the road that are going to be so very hard on you. Not only do you both have a problem, but your children WILL have abandonment issues because you are both living in that bottle and neither of you are really THERE for THEM.

This disease of alcoholism is hard on everyone who loves someone who is all about that disease.

[~Christina]

Leave her alone ... she’s striving for being sober .. you are not.

[mote.of.soul]

Yeah, rehab. She's going through a lot of changes now and becoming more self aware about her life, and so you have to expect these new behaviors from your wife. Be careful of guys trying to get into her pants too, it's so common in rehab situations. It's people going through changes, feeling like they're living again and experiencing different people and finally feeling like a connection to life is being made - which, prior to rehab, was not there. I've been there my friend. Many, many changes. Good on you for wanting to understand, as well.

[Affliction]

My drinking was bad in my 20s and I calmed it down to social/holiday events. During that time I'd go full tilt, I am not an obnoxious or rude drunk. Happy go lucky but a bit of the lack of filter when I spoke my mind.
From 2010 to 2012 I drank when stress/depression/fights with spouse would happen. I'd down a 40 oz and call it good. Then when issues would happen with wife drinking and disappearing to bars/clubs until 4am and sometimes not until 10am the next day I went to whiskey. From 2015 my wife battled seizures and addictions to medicines she was using to manage her condition.

I had used so much FMLA that I wasn't pulling the money in and our finances were falling short. We went homeless in 2017 and was living in between motels and my parents house for almost a year. I wasn't drinking constantly but my coping mechanisms were no better than someone who did. My wife started drinking more to cope with stress and finances. Her habit went from drinking to let off steam became drinking just to cope at home. Last year she lost her mom and sister to cancer they died 5 months apart. During that time her drinking skyrocketed and in order to cope & not make her feel not alone (I know this wasn't smart or right) I started drinking as much as she did. Everyone knows this...and deep down inside I knew it but I didn't want her to feel so alone...this was neither smart or good for us or our marriage.

She finally made the choice in October to get in to rehab for a second time. The first time was when her mother had passed. The first time she went to rehab I fully supported her and I didn't question or get paranoid. We would fight but it wasn't over paranoia. During this time I was not drinking at all. So I really can say yes, I understand completely what everyone is trying to convey because of my alcoholism. However, my heavy drinking was a coping mechanism for the paranoia that had been building steam since a month after her stay at the new rehab facility. I understand that is no justification, I'm just telling you how I reacted to it.

For me right now, I'm trying to slowly absorb what everyone has been sharing...I'm trying to take it with as much humility regardless of how my mindset was/is when I first started talking to you all. I went to my second NA meeting tonight, originally I wasn't going to speak but something happened to me at work and I took it for what I felt it was. I had to be taken out by ambulance because during the afternoon after I ate something happened to me physically. I wasn't doing anything physically demanding. I went numb from the waist up to my neck, shoulders and arms went numb. I didn't have slurred speach, eyesight was fine, no problem with balance. At first I thought it was anxiety or panic attack so I sat down.

My condition was not changing so I went down to our processing office. I activated our plant's emergency response team and told them what was going on, the irony is I am the lead for our plant's ERT. So it was really awkward. I had good oxygen saturation, normal respiration. Bp elevated 175/117 with bpm in the 120s. EMS was activated and I got hooked up to EKG before they transported me to hospital. The doctor after I arrived and did another EKG told me later they thought I was having a stroke. I told him it didn't feel like one. EKG came good, doctor said he believed me to have paresthesia as a result of stress, alcoholism, and most likely alcohol withdrawal. I was still going through the shakes and he could see it in my hands when he was doing stroke test.

With that, as I said, took it as my time in NA not to just sit and be quiet but to actually speak out. I did. I am starting the process my wife started. I told them I've had my job for 20 years and if I can pull that off. Then I believe with my heart that I can and will succeed in stopping my alcoholism. Thank you again everyone, I am listening and I am trying to absorb what you have been telling me. I finally realized that when I started giving her space...that you are right...and I used to say it too when I was on the smooth side of the alley...whining won't and hasn't gotten me anywhere but deeper in the bottle. I am going to give her the space. And I'm sorry...I can't say it enough...everyone here and to the friends I'll make in NA...are who I will have to thank in the end.

[Affliction]

Thank you mote.of.soul - In our fighting I did try to convey that...just not so well. I told her I understand everyone who is there is venerable and that I understand everyone is making bonds. But there are those out there that are predators. They know what to look for and how to use that. They will always have the upper hand because once a tight bond is made and boundaries are not set than it's all a matter of patience and time for them. They have the high ground. Everyone before though is correct, my actions have probably contributed to enforcing they direction with them. Instead of attacking the problem I am attacking the people. When she was making time for him, excuses to spend time with him, and reasoning to lower my value vs his higher values at no fault..I'm not justifying anything...what I am saying though is that this is what I am feeling. This does not make me right or correct in how I handled or expressed what I have done. My take away is trust...and I haven't given that.

I know a shark when I see one...and I'm not trying to be condescending but I will. I'm not the one who she met who is a recovering heroine addict. I know a great many addicts. I understand that an addict is an addict regardless of what they are using..I have been on all sides of the spectrum in life. An addict is an addict....whether drugs or any substitution to make up for not using drugs. I know I did the same things. They will use people until there is no more value. He is there on state aide and court orders. She is there because of the insurance provided by me. She is of value because if a divorce happens he's got everything under the belt as far as finances go because since no boundaries were made or set...my value albeit my own cause or otherwise is lower vs. his. There is a very fine line between bonding and going to for advice and help and bonding so that you can jump from one ship to the next because the second ship provides an irresistible escape from the last.

Nothing of...my husband is an ignorant ****ing *** *** and I hate his guts...but I can see what he's trying to say even though it's out of spite, fear, or hatred...It was nothing buthe's the bad guy and please save me from him. I have to face the reality and respect everyone's actual knowledge of what they have been through going in to rehab in one hand. I also have to argue with my paranoid confirmation bias developed from the black and white that I have in the other hand. I am no disrespecting or will I argue with what anyone who has taken the time and patience to give to me on this thread. I am listening. I am trying to learn. And I am trying to apply and understand what you all are sharing. I can't thank anyone one person here enough for taking the time. I will continue to go to NA meetings and look in to AA meetings. I will try my best to honor what you are doing by following through with what I need to do. For my kids and the damages I've done and to be there so if and when they are at the same road I can at least light a way so that they are not as lost, scared or without the information that I did not have. I told her a long time ago, if I messed up that bad then sure if you feel it's the right thing to do than leave me. That I would support her medically and financially until she was set. However if she's going to double dip to play it safe. To have her backup finances ...Than no. I messed up, I have been wrong, I will admit my wrongs. But give me one last respect by just saying it's over before you begin your next page in life. This does not make me wrong, this is what makes me what I am feeling...what I feel like. Used...whether I am good or bad in anyone person's eyes.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Affliction

Hello,
We've been through a lot in our 15 years together. A lot of trust issues in the last ten alone. Within the last 5 years I've developed alcoholism, I am a functioning alcoholic. My wife in the last 5 months started attending rehab. I was as supportive as I could be considering nothing was planned. During our separation our talks started out normal and nightly. Then at some point during our conversations her phone would go off. She said it was emails coming in. That started my paranoia. Then I got switched to a different time, 1-2hrs earlier than I used to talk with her. Then came a point at her stay where she was depressed, she said her friends had left and all the inbound patients were horrible and annoying. I came down for Christmas to spend time with her, first chance I got I rifled through her phone looking for anything. I don't if what I found was the right thing or not. However she had one particular person who she was in constant contact with. She was literally making time for him to spend as much time with him as possible. She used, to what I felt, as meetings to spend time with him. Mind you, I do not know at all how the rehabilitation world works. I don't claim to understand the camaraderie or bonds that are made during the process.
The times we fought I was going through anxiety of our separation, what I felt was our connection to one another. Each time we had fought I found in her texts she ran to him for consolation and followed his advice without question. Then I found texts where she initiated a deeper want for connection by saying, "miss you". Another text went, "You are so good to me, I envy your relationship with <girlfriend's name>. Another instance was her telling him she was going to doctor for appointment. When he asked what for she told him, "for birth control". That same day I remember I asked the same question and she told me for a pap-smear since she hadn't done one in awhile. Mind you we had been separated for months and I am days away from her. He knows I'm days away from her and have no ability to just 'drive' and have intimacy. Finally a ticker for me was after a relapse she had she mentioned to me she was going to look for a better facility that was cheaper. She ended up going to a more expensive one. I kept asking her for the address and she wasn't giving it to me, she would only give me the name. So I google'd it...the address looked familiar so I looked over the pictures from her phone that I got when I first looked. It was the address he was staying at...it was a co-ed facility. She literally went from an all-womens to co-ed. I approached her directly about it. She proceeded to tell me that I didn't know anything about the recovery process and that it was all in my head. That they had no relationship on that level. That she didn't even know if he was there. I told her I found it hard to believe considering their past history of communication. Our fighting got to a point where she finally said she had enough and was leaving me. Then shortly after he was discharged she suddenly spent a day trying to get a hold of me to talk. She complained about how the facility was horrible and that she was days away from just walking out. I questioned her saying that during the first two weeks she was saying it was a great place. Her reply was that she was just trying to give it a chance. So during this talk she spent, as I said, a day calling me literally on the clock. once at 0648 then 0915, and finally at night before lights out. This was after her declaration of separation/divorce. I let her know what I did was wrong rifling through her text. That I had intruded on her life forcefully and that I was wrong for doing it. I apologized whole heartedley for disrespecting her. I told her that I would be there for her where she could not handle from where she was at. I told her I would manage life on my side. She has not talked to me since. So my question now is...what should I do or think about all of this. To me it felt she was just using to verify her financial/medical status. Which in our talks told her I would take care of. Am I just an idiot. Or am I really the villain in all of this who has used paranoid justification for my actions.

I'm probably a "bleeding heart" but I can set that aside to give you some honesty. Do yourself and your wife a favor and get sober. Let your relationship, or the lack of one, with your wife just sit until you are sober. There is no such thing as a 'functioning alcoholic' unless where you are functioning is the Land of Fool's Paradise. You deserve to be fully functioning and that includes a relationship -- if you want one -- with someone else who is sober. All that stuff about her phone, your phone--to a sane and sober person that is just so much smokescreen. You obviously have poor communication with this woman --fundamentally, because of her addictions, because of your addictions, whatever -- or you wouldn't even feel the need to pour through her phone. If at reading what I just wrote you think, "But how will I know what is going on with her?!?!" My reply is "you probably won't. She's proven herself capable of deceit." What you need to do is get sober yourself. Let her work out her sobriety herself.

If it makes good financial sense (as in better insurance coverage) for the two of you to stay married until you are both sober; I don't see anything wrong with that, especially since your judgment is clouded by drink. But a marriage based on booze or drugs isn't a love match. It just isn't. If your wife is going to shack up with this other man, there is nothing you can do about it except this: move on with your own life. Get healthy for you. Once you are sober you will see better the path to follow.

[Affliction]

Thanks for your words icecreamkid. I just got off work and finished my 48hr week...so this is a nice break for me. I usually do 60s so with that I'm going to take my time to reflect on everything everyone including myself has said. Thanks so much for giving me your time and advice

[bpcyclist]

There is a wonderful life waiting for you when you can get sober.

[Affliction]

I am typing this out now because I'm fighting a part of me that wants what is left of me to be kept buried
I am drowning in every emotion that I kept under lock and key
I am typing this out now because what is left of me wants to be kept buried
It's harder to sleep now and nothing is any more easier to see
I am typing this because I'm weaning myself off alcohol because I could literally die without it
I am typing this because I'm staring at my door knowing the store isn't far away
I am typing this because I'm coping and standing still and every emotion under lock and key wants my attention
I want to say sorry, I want to say I'm angry, I want to say I hate you, I want what I see everyone around me has
I want to have one day...and I say this in as much as I can say with what part of me is sober because the alcohol I used to wean me is gone
I want to yell at myself for being weak, I want to numb myself with whatever I can find because I don't appreciate feeling
I am typing this because I can't sleep
Because I can't stop thinking
Because I want to run myself in to the ground
I want everyone to hate me because that's what I'm used to
I hate love
I despise how I could hurt someone or in turn be hurt by someone
I blame my parents and the abuse
the abandonment
I blame myself for giving in to every single peer pressure because I wanted to be needed by friends
I wanted to be looked up to
I wanted to be saved
I didn't want to be used
I wanted to be the hero but I didn't want recognition
I wanted to be what anyone could use as a shoulder
I wanted what I think I lost as a child
Somewhere I could fall asleep and not be afraid of what would happen when I opened my eyes
I have walked alone but it's far easier when you are young, arrogant, and selfish
I never felt as alone as thought I could bear when in the company of friends
I'm needy
Because I've given until I had none then gave more
I'm lonely
Because I never learned how to love myself
I don't want to give in, so I'll exhaust my mind
That's why I am typing this out.

[IceCreamKid]

It's ok. You're strong or you would not have come this far. Even the strongest people are better with the support of friends when faced with what seems like an insurmountable task. AA can offer you a lot of support.

[feb2020user]

I would say that it sounds like he was her sponsor, and you clearly don't understand the process. It's hard to tell from just this post whether she was trying to keep things to herself for good reasons or for cagey ones. You might have pushed too hard and without enough of an understanding of the situation.

(Edit) : Okay, your follow-up posts paint a deeper picture. I can't take sides from hearing only one person's explanation of the issue, but it does sound pretty suspect.

[Affliction]

Thanks icreamkid and Feb2002user...You are right, I don't understand the process. But I do understand the doctor...I either go detox or wean myself. I am watching two kids and work 12-hour days at an average of 60hrs a week. Whatever free time I have is used to catch up on clothes, house cleaning, kids schooling. So I'm trying to go to as many NA meetings as I can which is usually after work. Thank you both again.

[Affliction]

No...he was not her sponsor. He was a friend that reminded her of one of her boyfriends in the past. Their conversations had nothing to do with coping or dealing. They were more personal

[Affliction]

Hello feb2002user, I don't want anyone to take sides, that's for sure. My friend at work told me best it's just hard to swallow, We can't say if she has or has not...but I have to ask myself how much is enough regardless of who is right or wrong. That's why I'm looking to people who have the experience, and who have been there. I am listening it's just hard to getmyself out of the gears I'm in. I thank you again. I do mean that...with the I'm only hearing one person's explanation.

Because everytime we fought she would tell me that everyone on her side of the fence agrees that she is in the right and i'm wrong. Not once did I hear that there was anyone that said...we haven't heard his side. Doesn't mean it wasn't said. But her conviction was that it was everyone she talked to about it. I don't know if she told them what made me go in to anxieties that caused me to lash out. I don't know if she told them I had managed the house and kids during our alcoholism and kept my job (barely).

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Affliction

I am typing this out now because I'm fighting a part of me that wants what is left of me to be kept buried
I am drowning in every emotion that I kept under lock and key
I am typing this out now because what is left of me wants to be kept buried
It's harder to sleep now and nothing is any more easier to see
I am typing this because I'm weaning myself off alcohol because I could literally die without it
I am typing this because I'm staring at my door knowing the store isn't far away
I am typing this because I'm coping and standing still and every emotion under lock and key wants my attention
I want to say sorry, I want to say I'm angry, I want to say I hate you, I want what I see everyone around me has
I want to have one day...and I say this in as much as I can say with what part of me is sober because the alcohol I used to wean me is gone
I want to yell at myself for being weak, I want to numb myself with whatever I can find because I don't appreciate feeling
I am typing this because I can't sleep
Because I can't stop thinking
Because I want to run myself in to the ground
I want everyone to hate me because that's what I'm used to
I hate love
I despise how I could hurt someone or in turn be hurt by someone
I blame my parents and the abuse
the abandonment
I blame myself for giving in to every single peer pressure because I wanted to be needed by friends
I wanted to be looked up to
I wanted to be saved
I didn't want to be used
I wanted to be the hero but I didn't want recognition
I wanted to be what anyone could use as a shoulder
I wanted what I think I lost as a child
Somewhere I could fall asleep and not be afraid of what would happen when I opened my eyes
I have walked alone but it's far easier when you are young, arrogant, and selfish
I never felt as alone as thought I could bear when in the company of friends
I'm needy
Because I've given until I had none then gave more
I'm lonely
Because I never learned how to love myself
I don't want to give in, so I'll exhaust my mind
That's why I am typing this out.

You know what Affliction, you actually did very well here articulating the inner challenges you deal with. So many individuals WONT care to look inward like you have done here with this list.

Actually, you should consider finding a good therapist to help you with this list. AA meetings are helpful, however it's also important to see a therapist as well. Also, what stands out to me about your list is that you have very strong codependent issues. This most likely stems from your childhood and lack of experiencing healthy parents and you most likely suffered from Childhood Emotional Neglect.

A lot of the people in AA struggle with the same things you have shared on your list. Some of these individuals can't articulate it as well as you can. And YES, many use alcohol to escape "feeling their emotions". Some individuals HAVE TO go to an AA meeting so they don't feel so alone with the list they struggle with that is very similar to your own list.

It's very possible it's not really paranoia you are experiencing but "hyper vigilance". And the attack you described could very well be a panic attack/anxiety attack and they can be very debilitating and a person can feel like they are having a heart attack. And they can come over a person as if out of no where too. Unfortunately, I have experienced them myself and they sure are VERY scary and I have literally had them so bad I was flat out on the floor too. I even had one so bad I ended up in the ER only to hear the doctor say all my signs were normal which I could NOT believe considering how horrible I felt.

Also, if your addiction is only alcohol then you would do better going to AA meetings. It's good that you are at least getting "some" support. If you find an AA meeting that has a group you feel more comfortable with also you can look for a sponsor which is someone you can call and talk to when you go through these challenging nights you just described experiencing.

My husband has been sober for 26 years now, he goes to meetings 6 nights a week and he has been a sponser and he has his own sponser that when he gets overwhelmed he just meets with to hash things out. The point is there IS support out there so you don't have to be so alone with this challenge.

[IceCreamKid]

If any of the children are old enough to know a towel from a nightgown, now is the time to teach them how to sort clothes; how to fold clothes. Even fairly small children can learn to straighten the covers on their beds, set the table, put toys away, and kids like to help. You can enlist the children to help you with household chores; you are a family unit after all. As for detoxing, please consider consulting your doctor. That is nothing to mess around with by yourself. Do you have leave coming to you at work? If you have it, take it if you need to. Not sure why you are attending NA meetings instead of AA; if you don't have a narcotics problem yourself, and have to choose only one program, I would choose AA. This is the sort of support I was talking about in my previous reply. I understand having to work in order to live. But I also understand a little time off in times of extreme stress is a good thing, assuming you can do it.

[Affliction]

Hello OpenEyes & IceCreamKid, thanks...I was having a pity party and all my thoughts and emotions were crashing it. Thanks OpenEyes, I'm not sure 100% about panic/anxiety..I do hear you..when I activated ems and we went through the acronyms and vitals my respirations were normal, o2 saturation 98/99, pupils were not dialated, extremities were not cold...in fact they were really warm. There was one moment though one of them said they saw me going pale. So I'm not discarding the fact that in may have been an anxiety attack because the EMS team said they could see I was anxious. Ya...I have some friends in AA so we'll see, though I'd really not go to meetings they are at. I have a lot of stuff I'd rather share to strangers and not have to see the look on their face the next day. Thank you again Miss OpenEyes

To icCreameKid..yup..The Navy brat in me has been slowly bringing them in to do chores...but kids will be kids. It's hard because my parents can't help unless I drop kids at their house. Then sooner or later the little minions drive them up the wall. So I been working on letting the oldest stay at house after school and a neighbor/friend checks in on her while the younger goes to grandparents after school. Still though she's part me so the laziness gear and ya...I'll get that done in the last golden hour happens...she still hasn't perfected getting out of slacker gear to pickup and go.

But I have faith, yesterday was family house cleaning day and homework ketchup. We got up and out of the house early to get some breakfast, came home took a 30..then got it in gear and after each task was done I gave them breaks and rewards were for how well they worked with each other. I have already talked to HR about what my options are and the plant boss is on my side as far as getting a safety net around me so I don't lose my job. I will work through slowly and I hear you & the doc about my detox process. However even with the help, I need to get things around me stable so I can trust that I can walk away from it. I do have a lot of benefit time...perks of the years. But OT&DT don't come with it should I go. So I will have to chess play around and see what I can get that doesn't throw me too many rungs down. I have past reasons that drive me to going to NA however once I close those doors I'll walk towards going to AA for sure.
Thank you both again...it's Monday and I gotta get the minions up and ready in twenty then off to laundry mat...woooo so much fun...then after that try to squeeze an NA meeting in, take care everyone..hope you all have a great week