Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

But that’s what I said if a partner doesn’t put up with this they leave. If you intend to leave then you aren’t going to be that partner. In your case if he keeps acting like this, you said you will leave. You aren’t going to stick around. In case of his ex they both treated each other bad.

Eventually he’ll either need to behave or find someone who’ll stick around and allow it, sadly some people do live like doormats their whole life so he’d either need to be alone or he’ll need to find someone who’ll stick around no matter how he behaves

Yes ADHD could make someone impulsive and it’s harder to control some impulses. But if he doesn’t behave at work like he does at home, then it tells you he can control his words and his behavior. If he couldn’t, he’d act like this at work and he’d not be able to keep a job

PS yes it was general knowledge kind of thing, not saying you are doing something wrong, you said he cannot help it. In my observation and experience most explosive people can help it, might take some work but they can.

Same with demanding monetary things from you. If you never give in he’d eventually have to stop demanding. If he doesn’t stop and in addition gets nasty about it, you will leave. So they can stop or they have to look for doormats, which isn’t you. But I am sure he can behave nicely if he tries and maybe gets help with it if he wants to be better

You not doing nothing wrong. It’s about him if he can get better or he cannot. I believe everyone can if they want to

Yes -- if he keeps it up, I will have to leave. I definitely am not putting up with this behavior for the rest of my life!!!! ARGH! I cannot even imagine.

I don't know (truly) how he behaves at work, because I am not there to observe him. But I have a feeling he has exploded at work before (without getting fired). The way he told me that he spoke to his old boss insinuated that he may have lost his cool, when they greatly reduced his earning ability and changed the hours. But I wasn't there, so i cannot know for certain.

If he CAN control himself, then that's what I expect from him from now on. And if he cannot, I am packing my bags!

I don't understand how his ex wife put up with him for 14 years, allowing this kind of behavior. It must have been toxic on both sides. But that doesn't really matter too much to me. And you're right. If he cannot control himself, very few women will put up with it and he will find himself alone.

His ex was maybe just like him. Or maybe she was even worse which is entirely possible

And he maybe controlled himself better with her if she was just as explosive. Or maybe he had to behave. You said she was wealthy, supported him and was paying his debt for him. He maybe had to control himself for her to keep doing it, who knows what kind of dynamic they had. It’s hard to know what’s happening in other people’s marriages

He might be explosive at work on occasion too but obviously not to that extend or he’d not keep a job.

Yes, without knowing his ex wife and without ever having spoken to her, it's hard to know the FULL truth of the matter. But I suspect it was both of them being toxic to each other, based on what I know of him and on what I've heard about her. She became an abusive alcoholic, according to him. She's hit him. She chased friends of his out of the house. She would act up at parties and concerts all drunk and would become belligerent towards him and his friends. His friends have also told me the stories that they witnessed. So she was no angel.

He's never been fired, so he's been able to maintain his employment all this time.

Controlling explosiveness at work and controlling explosiveness at home are two different matters.

At work there usually are swift and significant negative consequences for exploding. At home, though, not necessarily.

That’s true. It’s not the same.

What I was saying though is that if one can control explosive anger at work even if just out of fear of being fired, they should be able to control it at home. Me and my brother had this discussion the other day about people who act less than appropriate in a family yet are very appropriate at work, they clearly can help themselves.

And there could be consequences at home. If you get fired from a new job because you exploded, you can be fired from a position of girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancé/spouse when you repeatedly explode, that could be your consequence. I know it’s not that straight forward of course

I agree!

Very good points. The repercussions at work are a bit more severe. Losing your job, losing your income, losing your home potentially, etc. To date, he hasn't lost me yet over these explosions. But he will one day if it continues and he needs to know this.

Just had a therapy appointment. There are SO many issues that I feel overwhelmed by it all, and with no answers.

And earlier this week, he randomly told me that when I am making over 100K, that we can then afford (IE, I CAN AFFORD) to rent a much nicer apartment. Which would mean I would be paying MORE than him in order to have this nicer apartment. He is assuming that that's what I would want to do with the extra money. I need to tell him that he makes me feel like he wants a sugar mamma, the next time something like this comes up.

This all feels so hopeless. Therapy made me upset, when I wasn't even upset at all today about any of this.

My concern here is that you're accepting his behaviours by making false threats. If you're threatening divorce "every single time" then in his head, I bet he thinks you're just blowing off steam because you haven't divorced him yet.

If one were to have zero tolerance, as you've mentioned, they would have responded to these behaviours by leaving.

Don't get me wrong.. I completely understand where you're coming from and the internal struggles you're dealing with. I'm not at all judging you. I'm just looking at this from his angle. He's hearing empty threats "every time" there's an issue so to him, it means little... just 2 people having an argument.

I'm also not sure what "just one more time" means because you've been saying it throughout this thread. There's been new situations arising throughout but you're still present. It's confusing to me and undoubtedly holds no weight for him. Try and consider how your behaviours and threats mean to him.

@MsLady - Yeah, I do get it. But you must not have read through my whole thread to understand the whole picture.

I do see your point about the threats, but again, I don't think you've read all my replies in this thread. Perhaps they've been empty threats up until now. But now I truly mean business. And once again, there were 6 months where things were more or less great.

If he wants nicer apartment, he needs to make more money.

I’d not wait till next time. I’d not necessarily tell him about it in exact term “sugar mamma”-though it’s tempting, but I’d tell him that if you will make that much, you’ll be putting it aside for XYZ needs.

Do you intend to make over 100k? Good for you. If you make that much or even close to that you can put big chunk away for retirement. Not waste on rentals. He isn’t practical

Well it’s ok if people make less if their career isn’t lucrative. My nephew makes 120k straight out of college at 23 and I will never make 120 simply because my career doesn’t pay that. My salary hits a ceiling. So I guess if one person makes more it’s ok, but it gets tricky when the one with much lesser salary expects things given to them.

I think it’s time to discuss budget, retirement and savings and all that jazz. Not exciting talk but it needs to be done. I hate money talk, it’s anxiety producing but it feels much better when it’s all discussed and plans are made. It could be done.

He doesn’t seem practical, so he needs a push to get with a program. You can be that push

Yeah, agreed. It will come up again, and I will tell him what I am thinking. He is totally not practical.

Yes, I do make nearly 100K... if I can get a Director level role, I could make a lot more. So my plan with that money is to pay off ALL debt first, then to start saving about 3-4K per month for retirement. If I make to the VP level in my field, I can make a ridiculous salary and put away even more. That's my goal. At least right now. Or I start consulting eventually and make $500 an hour, which is totally feasible in my field.

I am not bragging about money either. This is just where I am and what my goals are. If he makes less, that's ok, but he cannot demand that I spend more. Nooooooooooooo, that is NOT OK. He needs a wake up call.

Ya, I think they say it takes a person 100+ times (I can't remember the exact number) to say they're going to leave a relationship before they actually do. I get that fully and also about wanting to hold on to the positives.

My point was less about you and more about his interpretation to what you're telling him. I'm wondering if you've lost credibility with him by these empty threats which makes him less likely to want to make changes because he (potentially) doesn't take it seriously.

He takes it seriously enough to have agreed to see a counselor if it happens again.

And again, I may decide to just leave him instead. I do not know yet.

Sounds like he's playing with fire. He's agreed to seeing a counselor IF it happens again. By then, if you're committing to your word, he'd need a counselor to support him through the divorce. Too little too late. I wonder if he'd be open to seeing a counselor NOW to help prevent it from happening again. If this is ADHD related, it's a reason, not an excuse, and a counselor or psychiatrist can help him with his impulsivities since it's clearly damaging his marriage.

Yeah, I mean, you make a good point for certain. I just don't even know anymore. I feel overwhelmed by everything..... the issues I face with him, what I am doing and how I am proceeding, my therapy is overwhelming me.. I am working full time in a very stressful job, trying to find another one... the pandemic is ongoing and problematic. I'm not having an easy time right now. It's all just very challenging. I don't know what I wish to do right now. And when I don't know, that's when I don't think I should do anything until I know for sure. TY.

I wonder what are his explosions about? Is it always about money? Him wanting you to spend on him and you not budging or him taking it without permission and you daring to question it? Those were some examples, all money related.

Or is it sometimes something else? What things are pushing him over the edge?

So I’d say whatever that is needs to be worked on, but now, not when he explodes next time. Maybe instead of addressing his explosions, you need to address what causes those explosions

The last time it happened, was over a HAIRBRUSH and me asking why he was TELLING me he is taking it for the day, rather than ASKING me if he could, since it's MINE.

On our wedding day, it was because I asked him "are you ok?" He blew up because I asked him that. We had been uncertain about things just days before the wedding.

Just before the wedding, it was because he wanted a $300 pair of pants and i asked if I could instead buy him $150 pair of pants, which was going ON MY CREDIT CARD AS A GIFT. He blew up.

It's a seemingly small thing, but it has sometimes to do with me questioning him.

Him being questioned and you aren’t automatically accepting whatever he wants is causing him to blow up then. Not just the money then.

I find interesting that he is the one doing something wrong and you understandably are questioning it. Yet HE explodes. I’d think YOU would be the one to explode when he demands 300 pants or takes your stuff etc. So it looks like as long as you give him what he wants and don’t ever question him, things are peaceful. Its an interesting dynamics. He sounds like my dad a bit except monetary issues, he’d never ask women for money, but he’d get grumpy if someone question him about him possibly being wrong. He doesn’t think he can do anything wrong. Well it’s not an issue in old age anymore actually but it used to be bothersome.

I wish your husband did see someone together or separate to address all this and get to the bottom of it. I doubt it will change unless he makes true effort

Yes, he cannot be wrong, and he blows up if I even make it seem that way. And he used to be very defensive when I would point out things that bugged me, but he's gotten better.

I think he may even have some narcissistic traits in him.

And I wish he would too. It's several issues he has.

Tonight he picked me up to go get dinner (out). As I was sitting waiting forever for him to make up his mind (because he cannot), I was thinking to myself "my heart isn't in this right now." That feeling made me MOST SAD.

But it's how I was feeling. Then he made me laugh really hard, and I was like, well, maybe..... He does make me laugh every single night.

This is all a moot point.

I cannot move out even if I wanted to right now. I don't have 5K in savings that is needed to move. I added up all my personal expenses, and for where I live in the country (one of the most expensive cities to live in), I could JUST afford a one-bedroom apartment, but I would be scraping by and not saving ANY money. In order to save money or have ANY extra funds, I would have to get a roommate, but at my age, that is really not what I want or need. I cannot even imagine having a stranger as a roommate. I will not and cannot live with my parents again, so that's NOT an option. And I do not have a good friend who would want a roommate, not as far as I am aware. I would also just want to be on my own. I really need a Director level job in order to accomplish all of these goals, IF I were to move out on my own. We're in the middle of a pandemic, with thousands/millions of people flooding the job market, which makes the competition very fierce.

I have thought this through thoroughly, and that's what is happening. I need a higher level salary, and I have to just be patient.

This doesn't mean that my mind is made up either way. I was just thinking through the scenario of possibly having to leave him, and this is what I realized. It's a stark reality I am facing.

This month I am getting my annual review, which includes a raise. Last year, I got a 3.5% raise, which was about average. I hope at the very least, I get the same amount this year. It's at the end of this month.

Two days ago you seemed fairly positive avout your relationship. Now you are worrying about the surrounding issues in your life. I think maybe focusing on the positive might help. You said you were sad on your date, but he tried to make you laugh. Maybe now is the time to stand up and ask him to get some help. Try to make it a postive. Don't say you need to get help or I'm out of here. Tell him you love him and want things to be even better than they are. Explain that couples therapy helps people grow together. Say it will take your relationship to the next level. (Better sex, maybe!) If he gets upset and feels threatened, give him a day to cool off and keep smiling. Maybe he will see that you are just trying to help.