Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

My husband has displayed abusive behaviors. He does make mean jokes, that I've set a boundary around (ie, no more jokes aimed at me). In our fights, he has turned everything around on me, making me out to be "psycho", the one who started the fight, the one with the anger issues, and the one who is to "blame" for every single fight that HE in fact starts because he starts yelling at me. He turns the tables all around on me to make ME at fault and him absolved of any responsibility. He plays the blame game and says things like "you started it". He's even justified his yelling at me, because of something I said that angered him. And when we've fought, he has said some very cruel things, like "no wonder you've never been married!" and "you have problems!"

All of this has very much been tamed over the last many months and practically a non-issue, until 4 weeks ago when he yelled at me again and we fought as a result.

Yes, there is a pattern of behavior that I've witnessed. The comment about dark haired women I know was deliberate to make me feel insecure and "less than". Why else say something like that? Why not keep it to oneself IF he truly does have a preference that I do not give him? What's the point of saying it when he knows I have lighter hair? Clearly, it was designed to make me feel insecure, and it worked.

I agree, that if you understand women, you don't tell them your preference for physical attributes, especially if they don't have those attributes. He very may well be saying these things and making thinly veiled insults to you, and trying to get you hide your figure, etc. because he is insecure about how attractive you are and the reactions you get from other men. That is on him to work out, with your help if needed. It is definitely something to discuss in marriage counseling.

But mulling over it, I have learned, only hurts you. Any time I brood over my wife's behavior, I end up feeling really awful. So in reality I am punishing myself. Also, I am saying that even though it's her bad behavior, I chose her as a wife, so I chose this POS and until I leave her, I am just as much a POS. This doesn't help anybody. I have to catch myself when I do this and remind myself of her good qualities and mine.

This is a deep rooted self image issue that you have to work out so it doesn't hurt so bad, and also try and work it out so that he doesn't keep hurting you.

I am going through similar issues and it's very hard.

Hugs to you. And thank you.

The only way I can handle this is to lose the extra weight that I've gained so that I DO feel as attractive, sexy and appealing as I once felt. I don't mean to sound like a total a-hole, but I know I am striking and very attractive to the opposite sex, and men do look at me, so when I am thinner, I feel that more attractive and much more self assured within my body.

I think it IS his own insecurity talking and that he is afraid I may leave for another man if I feel good about myself and if other men find me appealing.

Him trying to always get me to eat fattening foods so that I never lose weight and in fact, gain weight, attests to this.

It's very hard for me to just focus on the positives when the negatives are all staring at me in the face. I am trying to look at the negatives and assess if I can stay with him or not. That's where I am. So just looking at the positives, no offense, but for me, that's like saying bury your head in the sand and ignore the negatives. I am trying to figure all of this out, it's taking me time to process it all and to figure out how I feel, what is possible and can we realistically be together.

And yeah, maybe it feels awful to stare the negatives in the face. But I am. And I would suggest the same for you, even if it feels terrible. There's a reason WHY it feels terrible, and it's because negative things are going on. You can't ignore problems and just brush them under the rug. I can't at least.

If he is truly that way such as deliberately doing things to mess with your self esteem and hurt you rather than accidentally blurting stuff, then it’s a very big issue. What does he really think of women? That women only stay with men because they can’t find no one better? That’s kind of degrading.

He’d accomplish you not leaving by him being a good husband, not by making you feel bad about yourself.

When lying in bed, he's grabbed me, held me tight saying the words, "mine", and then swats the air, pretending it's other men around me lusting after me, and he says to them "go away! get your own!" He's done this many many times over. "Mine" he says.

He makes comments sometimes about other women that make my head turn. He will call random women w.h.o.r.e.s, if they're doing something on TV that he finds unappealing or bothersome. On the road while driving, he will call a female driver a w.h.o.r.e if she does something he doesn't like. I correct him every time he says something degrading like that. It certainly makes me raise an eyebrow.

I think his ex wife stayed with him for so long for just that reason.

Is it a joke? Just being silly? We say all kind of goofy things. He knows all well people don’t belong to anyone.

Well, it's actually kind of endearing in my mind, but it IS something he does that when added into the mix of all other things, makes me think he is in fact, very insecure about other men possibly wanting me and insecure about me possibly leaving him. Add to that, the dark haired women comment, his mean jokes at my expense, and him always trying to get me to gain weight and not lose weight, well, it all adds up to paint a certain picture of insecurity and wanting to create an insecurity in me.

Everything on the negatives list points to me divorcing him at some point. I am feeling very negative about all of it, and I don't know how I can overcome many of the issues I have with him. It would take a miracle.

Wow, he’s really said some very hurtful and insulting things to you and about women.

It sounds like things someone would say if they are intoxicated. Is he drinking or taking something when he says this nonsense? Not the way to speak to one’s wife. Just a year after the wedding, not like it’s ok at any time but this supposed to be happy times.

I also wonder if he is so madly in love that he is afraid you’ll leave him where are intimacy issue coming from, I mean not really wanting much sex. Also if he is so afraid you’ll leave why isn’t he making sure you are happy. He contradicts himself. He needs some help

Was he saying that about random women when you were dating? Has all this come out in him since you’re married?

Things you’ve said add up to a not good situation I’d even call abuse.

You are always so intuitive about abuse. Did you not notice all the red flags until they got to be so many?

Girlfriend, I’d redecorate with wicker furniture and he’d be gone, lol. I really feel for you.

He doesn't really drink. He's been better lately about sex. He is trying to make me happy, I'll give him that. He's doing his best and I see he is making an effort. I agree he needs help.

Lol.... thanks, Tisha.

It's all come out since we've been married. No comments like that until more recently.

I am intuitive about abuse.... I did notice a few red flags early on and had serious doubts months after the engagement. At the time of engagement though, I was happy with him. But even after having doubts several months before the wedding and a nagging feeling in my gut, I got married anyways. I saw the abuse then. Guess I was so gung ho on getting married that I went through with it despite my gut. Stupid stupid stupid. I did not not want yet another broken engagement. I made a mistake. And now I am paying for it.

I guess that's the lesson I am supposed to learn that I have not learned yet -- ie, to listen to my GUT. I should have called off the wedding when I was having serious doubts. I wrote in my journal at the time that I was already committed to it, and I had already put down half the money. But really I couldn't face another broken engagement. And if I am to be perfectly honest, I wanted revenge on an ex. But I don't want to get flogged for that, please. I just did. I was full of anger and rage towards my ex. So it's all my own fault. I saw the red flags, I had a bad gut feeling, I saw the abusive side of him, and I got married despite all of this.

IF there is a God (and now I don't know if I believe in a higher power anymore), I think the lesson I'm supposed to learn is to follow my GUT. I feel this was yet another test to see if I could finally learn the lesson I am meant to learn in this lifetime. DISCERNMENT and FOLLOW YOUR GUT. Dammit. So I failed yet again at this. It makes me SO angry.

I am trying HARD not to feel regretful, but it's really really hard.

A very SMALL part of me wonders if couples therapy really would help, but the larger part of me feels it's all hopeless, that the issues are too deep and too big, that there are far too many issues I have with him, and that this will never ever work.

But again, I am not pulling the plug now or during this pandemic. I don't know how things will unfold from here. It's very possible we will go to couples therapy before the plug is pulled. I definitely don't want to walk away with regrets either. I think his ex wife has regrets, as she still contacts him from time to time and asks him to fix her her damned TV.

I had a long conversation with my best girlfriend today. I said you know, it comes down to two questions: am I happy, AND is he enhancing my life or detracting from it? It's really simple really, when it comes down to answering those two questions. I also told her that I cannot FULLY accurately answer those questions during a period of unprecedented times (i.e. this global pandemic). But I think I know the answers.

I know what I need to do. I am going to lose the 15 pounds that I gained so that I feel great about myself, and I am going to gain a Director level role so that I have enough money for what I need to do.

And I am going to learn the lesson.

As I am writing this, he is out buying me flowers because I love having fresh flowers in the house at all times.

It's NOT enough. It's too little too late. I think I am past the tipping point and my mind is now made up.

Great idea to work on yourself while waiting for changes in your life! At least it's a positive distraction.

Thank you.

I have to do this for myself.

We had a nice weekend together, aside from another joke at my expense and some tension around finances. But we did have a nice weekend.

I feel overwhelmed by all of this, and I feel overwhelmed by an immense sadness. We're still in a pandemic, it's only a year into our marriage, and getting out of the marriage would be a total nightmare that I am not ready or prepared to take on.

I am not emotionally or mentally prepared for this. Life has been SO stressful in SO many ways, this would be yet another stress to add onto the pile, and a HUGE one at that. It's an upheaval of my entire life, not to mention it will impact my social life too. We share a social circle, so how will that work? I don't even know. And telling my family? And all of my friends? I am scared... I am not ready for any of it.

I am meeting with my therapist now once per week to work through these issues -- we've focused on my marriage for the last 3 weeks.

I am in a state of limbo and am not ready to pull the plug. A part of me thinks couples therapy would be worthwhile to try first. As I mentioned, our agreement was we will go IF he yells at me one more time and loses his temper.

And overall, we had a nice weekend together. When that happens, it gives me hope and hooks me back in, keeping me in a state of limbo.

This weekend while at Target he was looking again at a chair we looked at once before and said to me "we should buy this" and "that couch is killing my back". So my quick and immediate response was "I cannot afford that." So he said angrily and in an annoyed tone, "I wasn't asking for you to buy it.".

So, my question is, I know HE cannot afford it, so what did he mean when he said "we should buy this"? He meant, YOU should put it on your credit card and you should buy it for me NOW so that my back doesn't have to hurting on that couch that he says is SO awful.

I am getting worked up again right now over this one issue. That was a part of the financial tension we had, but it was also more than that.

That is frustrating!

Some people only buy what they can afford with cash upfront. To clarify, I am not one of those smart people. But many people live like this. And people who had bankruptsy must live like this. My husband lived like this after bankruptsy for years. Only used debit card or check. If he didn’t have it in his account he didn’t buy. He still likes to live like this even though he obviously has credit cards.

If your husband wants a chair, he can put money aside every month until he has enough. He should know better after he had bankruptsy that he shouldn’t buy stuff he can’t afford unless it’s an emergency. Chair isn’t an emergency. I’d tell him to start saving

Thanks @guy1111! Hugs.

@divine1966, yes, agreed and that's exactly what I plan on saying to him about this chair. He can buy it and he can save for it. It's definitely not going on my credit card!

@Have Hope

I hope things are getting better for you. Relationships are hard and marriage is especially difficult at times.