Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

My therapist also said something interesting. I posed my dilemma to him about couples therapy, about letting the cat out of the bag before I am ready to move, and what should I do IF and WHEN he yells at me again.

My therapist told me I do not have to follow through on what I told my husband, ie, that we will go to couples counseling if he yells at me again. So I told him, yeah, but then he gets away with yelling at me with no repercussions. I had said the last time that we would have a serious problem IF it happens again. He told me, so you can tell him there's a serious problem, and you can back away from him without following through on the therapy.

He said why go to therapy if you know you want to end it, and if you know he's going to abuse you further? The only point of going is if you want to work on the relationship.

All I know is that I will not be able to stomach him blaming me, turning everything around on me, denying his anger and rages, and making ME out to be the crazy or abusive one in the relationship. I will feel victimized all over again which could traumatize me, and if he does that (which he will), I will have to end things right then and there. Then what? Then I am stuck with him until I can move out, and I am living in hell.

No..... so no therapy.

This really is a most difficult and tricky situation I am in.

Today I am grieving. I haven't ended it, but I am grieving the loss of what I had hoped to be true love, a healthy relationship for once, and a happy marriage for me.

I re-read through a LOT of my journal this morning, starting with the beginning of our relationship, when we moved in together, and all the way up until our engagement. I saw some inklings of trouble back then which gave me some doubts about marriage with him, but nothing like I've seen since just before and after we were married. There were many days when I wrote that I had met the most amazing man I've ever known.

I'm SO incredibly sad right now.

I also was extremely anxious this morning over having to tell him it's over, even though that won't happen for a very long time. I had to take an anti-anxiety pill.

Maybe people are sick of my thread.... no one is replying. Maybe I'm repeating myself. I don't know.

All I know is this SUCKS sooo freaking badly. On the flips side, I've been playing a lot of my own music lately, trying to get back to myself and who I am. I think I got a little lost in this relationship. Tied to the hip 24/7, with few events/gatherings with our individual friendships. There's been very little independence from one another. Not healthy.

I want myself back. I want to find myself again, my life and who I am again. I miss her.

I don’t think people are sick of you, I think some stuff might be going on. I had several appointments and was in and out all day, so I missed new posts in this thread.

I agree that it’s healthy to have space and have your own hobbies and friendships. I find it extremely important. Start pursuing more of your own things. Sometimes it takes an effort but it’s important to be your own person and have your own life regardless if you are single, happily married or currently struggling. Don’t lose yourself in a relationship

I agree with divine, you are doing the best you can. Grieving this loss is hard. You never get back what you lost, but out of it, you gain room for growth in other areas. Pursue your interests and regain some self-esteem. Take your time. You are being healthy and taking care of yourself. Good job!

Thanks Divine.

And I agree with you. I haven't had enough of my own thing.

Thank you.

So true.

I had a fearful thought yesterday: what if he becomes violent when I do tell him I am leaving him? During early fights right after marriage, when he would yell at me and when I would tell him "I'm not putting up with this kind of treatment, and I want a divorce", he slammed a couple dresser drawers in anger. That coupled with holding me down in bed sometimes, does this mean he could potentially become violent when I face him with an actual divorce? I am a bit fearful and worried.

It's far away from now, but that thought scared the dickens out of me, and I thought perhaps I should have someone with me when I tell him. But that would be totally humiliating for him -- to have a trusted friend or family member of mine hear me tell him I am leaving him and this is why? I would be so humiliated if that were me.

Then again, IF he does show any violence and I don't have someone present with me, I could call the police on him, get a restraining order, and have that on my side when we do divorce.

Also, we drove an hour out of state last night for an outdoor event, and he noticed I was not smiling and not very enthused. Thoughts about him becoming violent were on my mind, so i was very quiet and reticent. He asked me what was wrong, so I told him that I have a lot on my mind. It's not the 1st time I've said that to him recently. But he didn't even probe further, or ask me if I wanted to talk about it. He didn't ask me anything else after I said that. This only tells me he truly doesn't care about how I feel... it also tells me that he really only cares about himself.

Is he the type to get physically violent? Having someone with you isn’t a bad idea. I think he might also show no reaction acting like he doesn’t care or might not even believe you.

Divorce is no fault, you don’t really need any reason to divorce or prove anything. Divorce is relatively simple under your circumstances. I am not saying it’s simple from emotional stand point but procedurally speaking. It doesn’t matter if you are divorcing because he is violent or because he chews with his mouth open. It honestly makes no difference in the eyes of the law. Court doesn’t care about it in regards to following up with officially divorcing you. It’s only complicated when there are large assets and funds to divide and property to split and sell and custody and child support issues or demands of alimony (in longer marriages than couple of years). None of that pertains to your marriage (procedure wise). You actually don’t even need a lawyer to file for divorce (you would though if he starts demanding something that is yours, but again it would be no matter how he behaved during marriage in terms of splitting possessions, courts won’t care about his behavior)

Having said that you absolutely should call police if he puts your hand on you or threatens to do so.

Your husband might pretend he doesn’t know you have marital concerns

My ex (long term boyfriend) never wanted to investigate further what bothered me after I’d tell him, he’d just say “I promise i will quit”. (My issue was him being functioning alcoholic and not taking recovery seriously, he’d relapse every 6 months or a year and still wouldn’t go AA or professional, he “could do it himself”- yeah right).

No in depth discussion. Just lip service. I said sadly one more relapse and I am out. Well guess what of course he relapsed and tried to hide it. When I said I am leaving he acted like I never complained and that’s the first time he heard of the problem. He literally told me I wish you told me how bad it was. You got to be kidding me. Not only it was ongoing topic for years. He didn’t want to really listen because then he’d have to do something about it (like not trying to convince me that he can quit alcohol without professional help and him promptly relapsing every year was just a normal thing).

Honestly I think it doesn’t matter if you tell him what bothers you or won’t. If he really want to know he’d not be acting non chalant

I don't see him getting violent towards me necessarily, but the potential is there for him to throw objects or something along those lines.

I would want to give some reasons for divorcing him, but not anything that blames him, causing him to go into a fit of rage or anything that is accusatory. I would keep it neutral.

Yes, I understand the legal and practical aspects. I do still need to call and consult with a lawyer though,

Very possible! He may not even want to know what's really eating at me. I know he's noticed that something has been wrong with me lately. I am not myself.

That is unbelievable regarding your ex! Talk about going into total denial of a problem!

I had to shop for a birthday card for my husband birthday, which is tomorrow. All the messages in cards that were birthday cards for husbands or love were too dishonest for me to claim.... "you're the love of my life" and "life is so much better with you in it" kind of statements. I finally found one that was more neutral and less lovey dovey, though it's still a stretch. It says something about celebrating him and with all my heart. It's the best I could do, without being obviously coldhearted and distant.

This feels SO weird. I am lying, and I am not a liar by nature. But this is a necessary evil. Perhaps it's not even evil.... it's self protection, so that's my stance on it.

I could be wrong, but I do the same. I tell myself that I am hiding my emotions. Feels dishonest, but I am in the same boat. If I were to reveal my true emotions it would just start a fight. Is it a lie? Maybe. It is definitely a defense mechanism. Is it the best answer? No. Until you are in my shoes, you can't say I am not trying my best.

I agree. Total denial.

I agree that it's a defense mechanism.

Hugs to you.

Well, this morning all I did was tell him it's strange that I haven't been invited to any of his "closed' friends groups on Facebook, and all hell broke loose.

Did he get mad instead of explaining good reasons? Like those are only men groups or specifically his former classmates group or his unique hobby groups? There are ton of groups (online or irl) that only one of us belongs to. But it’s easy to explain why. No need to get mad about it. Did he get argumentative?

Oh yes, he got mad and argumentative. He thought I meant that he was up to something suspicious.

I've mentioned in another prior thread that I've had trust issues because of my past. He has withheld information from me several times, not telling me the full truth of the matter, which did not help me to trust him fully, or rather, it poked holes in my trust.

So he flipped out, thinking that I was being suspicious of him, when I wasn't at all.

I admit I have trust issues and I know that they interfere with our relationship and cause issues, but he doesn't need to flip out on me over a simple and silly comment I made about a FB group.

So after getting mad at first, did he explain the reason not inviting you or did he add you to the group?

We almost broke up though this morning, on his bday. We had a bad argument over my Facebook comment, so I took off my wedding rings.

Once again, divorce has been mentioned in a fight. He didn't want a divorce, apologized and we've made up, but it's tainted the day.

And during our talk of divorce, he claimed he would quit his job on Monday, leave and move down to Florida to live with his parents, leaving me to deal with the entire rent for the apartment and everything else that is his within the apartment.

That just goes to show....

His name IS on the apartment lease though, so he is just as responsible for the rent as I am. Luckily.

He did send a request to his friend to add me to the group. He said it's a closed/private group focused on a concert and wedding they all went to long before he met me, but there are 60 people in the group or something like that, and it's a band that I also like. I am also friends on Facebook with several of his friends who are members of the group.

I am glad you made up but it made me wonder why was it important for you to be in this group now if you are planning a divorce? Actually even if you don’t want to divorce why is it important to be in that group? I am not justifying him getting mad instead of calm conversation but id see it as wanting to be attached to each other hip 24/7. Do you have groups that are just yours? I don’t see harm in it. And who mentioned divorce in a fight? If there are no plans to divorce, I really don’t understand why divorce is being brought up every time. Is it him bringing it up? You say why I am not in group and he says I think we need to get a divorce? It’s so extreme

I cannot really answer that. I didn't exactly WANT to be added to the group. I was only commenting that it was strange I had never been invited to his friends groups. I know it doesn't make much sense.

He asked if I want to be married to him anymore, so in the midst of fighting, eventually I blurted out that I don't and I took off my rings.

Then he backed down from everything.

Divorce is brought up every time we fight because one of us gets SO upset and frustrated that divorce is mentioned. I cannot explain it.

I have never had such unhealthy communications with someone.