Assault?

I'm just wondering if he's been gaslighting me about what happened that night.. his interpretation and how he's saying I've "changed what happened" ..?

It’s very possible he is gaslighting you.

If he's rewriting what truly happened and how it happened, and if your version is the correct one, then he is gaslighting you.

Your daughter said this in front of his family?

This is most concerning. IF she said this in front of the family, it will solidify for them that you are the abuser, and that he is the victim, just as he is telling them.

He's not rewriting what happened as his story never changed, although there's been some discrepancies. When I explained what happened from my end, he accused "me" of changing the story.

I'm trying to figure out in my head why things escalated to that point. It was completely uncalled for.

Part of me feels he went through momentary "paranoia" believing I was really there to "take her away" and putting him into "protective" mode.

Part of me feels he was upset with me about the rejection, went into "splitting" mode and reacted.

Now a part of me is wondering if he's just gaslighting.. and was behaving in a way that was working because he was "winning" our daughter over with the things he was saying. The story he told her later was that he was yelling to "help" her.
That's right. But I did "push" (lean) into him to get out. He was yelling at me. I wanted him out the room. In the second scenario, he kept shouting he was going to call the police.. so she passed that on.

Can you describe more of what happened when your daughter told his family? How was she prompted? What did you do or say in the moment? What did your h say?

What do you wish you did?

@MsLady, if he is accusing you of changing what happened, then he is in fact, denying what truly happened that night. And he is denying you of your reality of what happened, which IS gaslighting behavior.

I had an abuser yelling at me once, yelling that I belonged in a straight jacket and he was trying to get in my room, so I was trying to shut the door on him to keep him away from me and to stop him from yelling at me. Is that considered abuse on my part or a reaction? What you did is not abusive. It is reactive and a reaction on your part to HIS abuse towards YOU.

What is concerning is your daughter is now repeating to others what she witnessed and heard. She will also eventually mimic these behaviors because they are what she is witnessing and absorbing as being normal behavior between adults.

You could end up having the police arresting YOU for domestic abuse if this continues on.

Is she being prompted? It’s weird that 3 year old randomly brings this up at a party.

I think the only way to prevent such things happening is not to be with people like him

It’s no matter what you do, he’ll do what he wants by escalating conflicts and then blaming you. Didn’t it happen before? Different incident? Again it was with the door and one of you holding a kid and you trying to get him to leave and him yelling that you are abusing him etc It’s not the first time. You can’t stop this from happening and your kid from telling things to people. It’s just how it is going to be in relationship like yours. Very unsettling

No no.. not at the PARTY. On the night of the incident. I eventually had to leave the room and he took her outside where his dad and sister met him there. He claimed to take her out to help her with "deep breathing". Really, he was extending his show.

She said she told them about the police that night. He said she mentioned about me "pushing dad".

The following day when I had a debrief with her, she started with 2 questions:

1) Why did I push dad
2) Why did I not respect her body boundary

#2 was regarding me holding her in comfort because he was shouting and she was scared. He had her believe I was there to "take her away" so I leaned in to hold her. She cried out for dad! He shouted that I was "not respecting her body boundary".

He later mentioned he was impressed with her use of the terminology "I taught her" (re body boundary).. when really, it was he that screamed it in his room against me.

Yes, a few months ago. No one was holding the girls. They were eating a snack. I was feeding the 1yr old. He kept implanting false ideas into the girls, plus his sister, through our kitchen wall. I was trapped in the kitchen as he was standing in the doorway.

I REPEATEDLY asked him to stop.. to go for a walk.. that he shouldn't be talking like that in front of the girls.. to go cool it.. walk the dog.. and he just kept it up.

I finally got up, walked past him to open the front door and yelled for him to get out! Our dog ran out the door without leash so I told him to go with it. He wouldn't, total power tripping, so I leaned into him to get him out. Again, I'm not strong. He didn't budge. There was no intent to harm. I did not hurt him or hit him.. but because I TOUCHED him and the door was OPEN he shouted, "PHYSICAL ABUSE! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!"

This is called Reactive Abuse, I recently learned from this forum.

Well he now has witnesses of two similar incidents within few months time frame: neighbors, family etc Kids are getting older and now repeating it to others etc

It’s only going to get worse. I hate being a downer but I don’t see how and why he’d become someone else. No amount of reading DBT books will make him into a different person

I wasn't there. I was feeding the baby back to sleep. They were all outside for about 10-15 minutes, "discussing".

I wish I did a lot of things different. I can't focus on that now.

Yep.. hence why I'm feeling unsettled, stuck, and having anxieties.

This is an ongoing power play with him and he is using your daughter to triangulate against you.

This is what narcissists do, in fact, this is what my sister did to me by using my old and very fragile parents to hurt me all the while she was stealing thousands from them. She did the same thing where she baited in an effort to get me to react so she could say she is the victim. She manipulated and completely confused them. I am so sorry you are experiencing this because it really does create a sense of powerlessness. And YES, these kind of toxic people will look to use whatever they learn about abuse that THEY are doing to twist it to their advantage

Why Nothing Is Simple Around a Narcissist

Also, they get bored without "drama" it gives them a narcissistic feed. They LOVE playing the "oh poor me role" even though THEY are the ones that created the problem in the first place. They want YOU to solve their problems so if something goes wrong they have someone to blame.

They are extortionists and use anything they happen to learn to extort. They are looking for anything that can bring them a sense of power, and playing the victim will be included in that.

This is the second incident that's played out in this way, in our entire 6yr relationship.. and both recent of each other. He has tried forming "alliances" with our daughter, who was then under 2yrs old. I addressed it then and he's since stopped this (at least in front of me).

My mom is very much this same way when it comes to playing the "victim" card and working others against you (among other things). It wasn't until I was approaching 40yrs that I realized this about her. It's no surprise I ended up in a relationship with a person who does the same.

I've concluded (in my head) that, although he exhibits some NPD characteristics, I wouldn't say he has this disorder. BPD really does seem fitting to me, and I know there's a lot of overlap with personality disorders. As it's been pointed out to me here, already lol, I'm not a "qualified psychologist".

Thank you!! I do feel completely powerless, under the microscope, and alone in all this.

Yes!! This is the term I was trying to find. This is exactly it. Any little bit of dirt he'll use against someone he's competing against.

@MsLady, just to chime in, I want you to know that you are not alone and we are all trying to help you in our own unique and different ways. I understand abuse very much myself, having been through it many times over. You are very strong, and stronger than you may even know. And.... I want to bring up another positive here, you are clearly a very attentive, loving and astute mother, who is trying her best. That is to be applauded. You really are a good mom. I know I may have sounded in past posts like I am being strong with my words, but it's only because I care about your well being and your happiness, it's difficult to hear what you're going through, and I mainly come from a place of encouraging you to enforce strict and strong boundaries around disrespect and abuse. That's all. Hugs to you.

I posted that link because when I read it I thought about your situation. Yes you are right in how disorders can overlap. I have talked a lot about my ongoing challenges with my older sister in therapy and more than one therapist talked about her being disordered and the two disorders that were mentioned to me were borderline personality disorder and Npd.

I started reading about narcissists and so many things described so many of her behaviors including narcissistic rages. And my sister is also one that claims to have “special” powers.

It’s been like dealing with someone that is entitled and superior one minute and then poor me little victim the next. It is just that “disordered”.

It’s very mentally taxing to have to deal with a disordered person. They are emotional vampires. There simply is no true sense of calm. It’s just one drama after another.

Ya, it's very emotionally draining. I believe my mom and sister have NDP. The "superior" and "little victim" sure is familiar.

I hope you were able to work through all that for yourself. I'm not familiar with your story and don't wish NDP on ANYONE. Are you still in contact with your sister? Hugs to you.

Thank you. I'm often told how "strong" I am. For once in my life, I just want to enjoy it without the burden of other people's complicated baggage. We all have them. I do, too, but I try and make the best of my life. I try and live it honestly, healthily, and with some fun. All of this other stuff being projected onto me, I can live without.

I'm learning that my body is in chronic state of stress. It's too much. Leaving this relationship will not improve on that stress.. it'll just change it.

I've been setting boundaries all along. I'm tired of it. I just want to be at peace, here. I don't WANT to be his therapist, life and parenting coach, financial advisor, and a punching bag. I also don't feel like I can just step back with it because the concerns I do bring up, affects us as a WHOLE.

He just wants me to LOVE him.. to be HAPPY.. to fill his bucket and boost his ego. He wants the illusion of "being in love" and raising a "happy family" but it is he who is sabotaging all that from happening.

I'm not perfect. I have my quirks and temperament. I look inwards for improvement, though. I admit when I make a mistake. I apologize, sincerely. I try and learn from my experiences. I've just been blinded.

Thanks for your support. I know we haven't been on the same page on a few things but I do appreciate what you're trying to do.. and a lot of what you've said has been spot on.

I understand. I truly do. It's a process, what you're going through, and I see you processing everything, as it comes up.

I feel for you. I truly do, and I want you to know I am rooting for you in every way.

I am strong in some of my stances and responses because I hate to see someone being abused. And I want to see you NOT being abused.

As I said, I do care about you, even though I don't know you personally or beyond the internet. And I can relate to some of what you've been through, based on my own experience.

And I am sure this all very exhausting, in so many ways.

Peace is a very good desired outcome. What will bring you peace?

Thank you, Have Hope!

Peace for me for now is to continue seeing progress being made in him. I'm not budging because I see this as his problem to fix.

Peace for me is having balance. Work on being less reactive, build on my social circle, keep the back-up plan in the forefront, and enjoy my kids. That's really all I can do right now.

Peace is letting go what people think of me. I know who I am and I AM a strong person. I'm going to embrace my mistakes and not attach guilt and shame to them because we're allowed to make mistakes.

I'm not exactly for in-home seperation but I've already distanced myself from him. Having these breaks are good for my mental well-being. Until I become concerned that my children will be in physical danger, which I'm not at all worried about any of us being, then I'll continue taking these breaks and having mama-daughter times with my girls.

Let him work through his own stuff.

It’s nearly impossible to have productive relationship (family relationship or romantic or professional) with people who play “victim” card. People who choose “victimhood” and “poor me” as their life motto never take responsibility, it’s always someone else’s fault, never theirs. Sadly they usually never change. It’s constant up hill battle with them and the only real solution is to keep distance from them if possible.

Having peace and contentment in life makes all the difference. I wonder if you can find peace in other things in life and maybe his antics would not be on a front of your life. I also think going to work next year will make a difference for you. Hope pandemics will be over one day and you’ll be out of the house more and less locked up in close quarters with your partner. Current situation with covid isn’t helping

That all sounds very positive, all for your own mental health and well being - good!

Yes he needs to work through it, as long as he is actually OWNING UP TO IT.

Am I being inflexible?

We live in a community that just had the exterior repainted, including the carports interior. We share ours with our neighbour.

The maintenance commitee is offering us to have someone degrease and powerwash our carport floors. It would cost each family $25ea. I was wanting to do it myself but our neighbour has a rather large grease pit on their side. I don't want to deal with the grease.

Everything has been removed from the carport, including most items from the storage. The guy can come tomorrow to get it done. Our neighbour said he can do it for free but not until after August, sometime. They don't want to pay the $25.

To me, it's a shared space. The floors could definitely use a clean. The neighbour is unable to do it while everything is already out of the carport. So collectively, it makes sense to "me" that we each pay $25 to get it done tomorrow, so we can put everything back into it that's piled outside our front doors.

My partner says he'll pay half but thinks it's a waste of money. If it were up to him, he'd leave it alone. Afterall, it's not a play area and cars get parked in it, anyway (when not in use). He's only willing to pay because he knows it's what I WANT to do.

Our neighbour says they can do it for free, even if it means we'll have to take everything out again, at a later time, and at their convenience. Why pay $25?

I feel they're being inflexible over a shared space. All other carports are being done. I suggested we pay our neighbour to do it, if he can do it this coming week. He works M-F so either weekends would potentially work. It's a no.

Am I being inflexible to think they're being unreasonable? It just makes sense to me to get this done now, even if we're having to pay $25. We're not talking about big money.

My partner says he understands where I'm coming from and wants to be supportive to me. So, as it stands, him and I are paying the $50bill to get it done tomorrow.

We live in a cooperative environment. It's our individual responsibility to maintain our living space.. keep it clean, repair any damages, etc. It doesn't seem like they think in this same way, without the added resistance.

I get everyone is entitled to have their say about their own space. In this situation, it wouldn't make sense to have the guy do half of the carport.. we're working with grease and water.

It just seems like the option is:
1) pay the full bill, ourselves
2) have the job done for free, on their convenience, and having to take things in/out of carport 3 more times

My partner says he's not a cement expert but doesn't think washing it would make it last longer.