Assault?

I had two that were 23 months apart. I had a side by side double umbrella stroller. It was the greatest, and they loved sitting together, rather than one in front of the other.

When you say you take a two hour break, I’d take plenty of breaks from him, but I’d take the kids with me if they are home. If they are at preschool (the three year old), my break was when the baby was napping. My breaks were when the kids were sleeping. I’d drive with the two in my car and go anywhere else without him, if you need breaks from him. If he is being unreasonably needy and clingy to be attached to you and don’t want that, I’d just tell him that it’s too much togetherness and you want to spend more time apart. What will he do to you if you take time apart?

I know this pandemic is an unusual situation. You both must be working from home. Do you at least have those hours in separate rooms?

The incidents you mentioned; the push/lean, the swing, the sleep time vilifying you to your daughter (telling her you were going to harm her...WTH?), none of those incidents are worthy of being brought up in a divorce case. They only messed with your and your daughter’s mind. No police were called. There’s no proof and to put your daughter through retelling it wouldn’t be healthy for her.

Yes, keep documenting all you can. The photo with the baby on the swing, dated. Anything else that is material to you in a law suit.

If you are not a bad parent there won’t be much for him to document. What’s he documenting?

Two hours long breaks on your own is somewhat unusual with 1 and 3 year old at home since you are stay at home mom and don’t currently work. Not saying you don’t deserve breaks but being somewhere on your own for two hours is not that easy to accomplish. I honestly never had such opportunity on a daily basis. Maybe on the weekend go meet with girlfriends. Most certainly not daily long breaks from kids.

In your situation I’d not be taking breaks from kids at all as when you are arrive home they always cry and look scared. Whatever your partner is doing when he is alone with them scares them. Yelling at them ? Worse?

I’d not leave them alone with him at all. For sure not for hours

He didn't tell our daughter I was going to physically harm her. I did hurt her, unintentionally, as I was helping her off the bed. I was holding her tightly so I wouldn't drop her on the way down (I was on the bed). Plus, because she startled the baby awake, who was crying, I swifted her off the bed quickly so I could comfort and feed her. My daughter panicked, thinking I was "throwing her off the bed". I didn't but can understand why she felt that way.

She's getting heavy for me now (I'm 5'4/116lbs with joint inflammation issues), so sometimes when I lift her (playground, in/out of car, off the bed, etc) I unintentionally hurt her, as I'm holding her tighter than I'm meaning to. Dad knows this. She knows this.

That night, he used these scenarios against me.. how he's "tired" of "always" hearing her say I'm "hurting" her.. on the top of his lungs. I'm trying different ways to hold her so I'm not squeezing her too tight. It only happens occassionally. I apologize every time.

I want to point out, in this scenario, dad was already feeling rejected over a boundary I gave him, hours before. He then heard our daughter crying because of the bed incident; because she was cranky and over the top; and was tired. She's often cranky during bedtime routine.. screaming and crying is not unusual. So instead of supporting the "situation", he walked in with the intent to work against me. That's why I shut the door on him in the first place.

I believe the "splitting" effect caused him to irrationalize what really happened, and to his advantage. When he "splits", I'm no longer of any value to him. He literally "hates" me so there's no limit (apart from physical abuse) of what he'll do.

He claimed he was "protecting" our daughter who was "reaching out" to him.. but still fails to understand WHY she was. So yes, she was crying for him. Yes, I did pick her up "against" her "body boundary".. and only because I was wanting to comfort her, due to his screaming behaviours and ideas he was implanting in her head. What he "saw" was correct but the reasons WHY was completely distorted. I'm still very upset about it.

We finally had a face-to-face conversation about it, 2 days ago. He's still not understanding why things played out the way they did. He still feels he was in protective mode.. and maybe that's how he really feels. I find he often struggles with understanding someone else's perspectives, mine in particular. That's why I think it's not "just" abusive behaviours.. there's a disconnect.

He does not at all want to end this relationship. He recognizes how attached the girls and I are. He understands how much they still need and depend on ME, right now. He talks about future plans as if nothing happened. It's like it doesn't bother him much, at all. It's the lack of empathy he has in general, that I struggle with.

At the same time, I feel he's on his "best behaviour" around the girls so I have "nothing" to document. He's handling behaviours, out in public differently now, so other people see how "good" he parents. Maybe I'm being paranoid about it. Maybe he's working on improving himself, like he is with the DBT workbook. I don't know.. but I feel unsettled.

I worry he's already seen a lawyer (with his dad) to find out his parental rights.. and maybe due to what was advised, he's buying time until the girls are less dependent on me; until I'm employed again; until he has more "documentation".. but this I DO NOT KNOW. It could just be paranoia. He claims he would never take the girls away from me.. as he's back at baseline.

I do feel like his therapist and life coach sometimes. It's exhausting.. emotionally and mentally. He's definitely benefitted from me in multiple ways. He's acknowledged this. Meanwhile, what have I received in return?

His family doesn't see this side of him because they're the "alpha" to him. He NEEDS their approval.. so he puts his best foot forward so they are proud of him.. you know, the "RECOVERED drug addict". They only want to know he's doing well and has moved on from the blackness of his past.. and as a mom, I get it. They're unable to see him in a "partner" role.

I do know about Parental Alienation. My sister is a victim of this. She hasn't been able to see her children in a few years now. It's sad.. really heartbreaking. The scary thing about it, is that I told him all about it, since the outcome happened during our relationship. Her ex was a compulsive liar, too. He had a prestigious position and hired a top-notch lawyer. She could only afford legal aid who was unable to keep up with his antics. Their hours in the case were limited.

I’d try to find other ways to hold your daughter without hurting her. Not trying to defend your partner but the whole situation looks a bit in a different light. He took it too far of course but his initial reactions might not be that different from how other people would react

I was also very small and couldn’t even lift my daughter passed probably age 2, she was a pretty big girl. That’s why it’s important she sleeps in a toddler bed where she can climb in and out without having to be carried on and off grown up bed. It seems to be causing problems. If your daughter gets repeatedly hurt (not saying intentionally) he could use it against you.

I'm just starting to realize this now, through covid. Beforehand, we both had very busy schedules. Having a special needs son took a lot of my time.. plus 2 very young children, work, life's obligations, etc.

I really don't know what prompted him to disclose his compulsive lying and financial infidelity. I'm not sure what was happening between January and April of this year, if anything at all. He just came out with it.

To him, it's a "positive". He's trying very hard to repair this relationship and have me "feel" loved. He says he loves me very much! The other day, I told him his behaviours are not LOVE. I told him his behaviours are both abusive and controlling. I told him, had I had money and a place to stay, I would have left this relationship after that incident. And you know.. I didn't get much of an expression. Just a blank stare, like it wasn't "me" talking to "him". At the end of it, he reassured me he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't planning on leaving me. It's pretty shady, IMO.

Since covid, I'm seeing him for what he is.. and that he's not "just" being a "jerk" or being "insensitive" or being "emotional". There's a far bigger picture than I ever realized.

Since covid, I learned about "emotional blackmail", about "reactive abuse", about "covert abuse", about "emotional parentification", about "BPD and emotional dysregulation", about his deep core struggles against "rejection" and "perceived attacks". It's only been a couple of months of this journey.. and since, he's "broken up" with me, twice.

Covid19 has given a lot of people an "A-Ha" moment.. a new awakening. Seems like anyone I've come across, casually or personally, has said much the same. It's a blessing in disguise, really.

So now I'm mourning the loss of a family/relationship I thought I had. Now I'm stricken with anxiety about our future and all I need to do to align my ducks. It's breaking my heart about how my beautiful little girls will be affected by whatever decision I'll ultimately have to make. It depresses me further that my life is shrinking even further.. that I really don't have anyone watching my back.

I'm tired of being the "independent strong" one. I'm tired of holding the bull by the horns. I'm tired of working against the grain.

I had children to enjoy them.. to give them opportunities to grow and shine and be their best self. I did not at all think I'd end up as a single parent with, 50, 40, or 0% custody.

I get what you're saying. My daughter's behaviours were not at all out of the ordinary. He KNOWS this. Originally he said he came in to help settle her.. not because he thought I was hurting her. His way of "helping" was to disregard our behaviour plan.

She's able to get on/off the bed alone. She was just misbehaving, prior to. The plan is, if she's unsettled for bed, she goes to the rocking chair (independently) and returns to bed when she's ready. We've done this successfully, multiple times. Sometimes, if she's in a mood, I physically prompt her off. I always frontload her, first. I give her multiple chances to make that choice for herself. When she yelled and woke her sister, I physically prompted her off the bed. I told her I was going to snd I was calm and in control of the situation. We have since used this "plan" again, with success. It wasn't about the bed. It was about her mood. She had been tantruming prior to going to bed. Dad is in the know of this. Nothing alarming and definitely no foul play.

HE was feeling wounded.

I have been adjusting myself so she's not still getting hurt. It's not a daily occurrence, either. But ua, he'll likely use ANYTHING against me because it's he who has a criminal record.. not me.

He has a criminal record to boot?

You sound exhausted, and rightly so.

I’d work to adjust the holding your daughter too tightly and diffuse her fear and calling for daddy. He may have planted the seed in her behind your back to ratchet up her fear so she’s playing into his hands.

I’ve been diagnosed with EDD (I hear that term is now replacing BPD, great... ), but I’m not a rotten person. I may have abandonment issues that cause me to react more emotionally to things than other people, but I don’t hurt anybody. Just an FYI. I’m just saying there’s something more going on with him than a diagnosis. This sounds like a man with a plan.

I don’t see why any judge would award him more than half custody. I do recommend you speak to an attorney and read about it. You are a good mother. Why would you be punished? He’d get the kids 60% or more if he was their caregiver that much or you were a severely problem mother who does not adequately care for them; drug addict, neglect, abuse, etc...

Is his criminal record due to drug abuse? Selling? Stealing?

Unless he knows something we don’t know, he might get 50%, but not full custody. But even then he’d need to find care taker for them first. No way he’ll watch the kids 50% of the time

A lot of things can’t be planned. Life doesn’t always play out how we plan it.

At any point our partners can end up with 100% custody because something can happen to us at any point.

Kids could grow up healthy and well adjusted with parents not being together. They can grow and shine and be the best self. And they might grow up completely messed up in intact family. Parents staying together isn’t a guarantee of anything.

In addition even the most stable people could end up divorced. But when people couple up with unstable partners, it’s a double risk of it not working out long term. It’s just a reality

Ya, I don't even know what to say anymore.

I'm usually gone for about an hour and a half.. on a coffee break, 6min walk away. It's not unusual because dad has been available. Covid19 made him available. It's not that I'm unemployed or a stay-at-home mom. We just opted I take the extended leave. I've been with the same company for almost 18 years snd will have to return full time, eventually.

I've just recently started taking these breaks, after covid19 and after the "confessions". Remember, I've been suffering from breathing difficulties and chest pains? We found opportunities for me to take these breaks in the early afternoon, once dad became available.

Covid19 has changed many people's schedules, so as much as it may be "unusual", it's not wrong or selfish.. despite the ages of my girls. I probably wouldn't be doing this had my baby be in infant stages, but she's 17mo now. She's ok with me leaving for that length of time.

I also think it's healthy for my girls to know I'm more than a "mom and wife".. and that I, too, need these breaks. We all take them at varying degrees.

I think I've missed a few post replies.

No, definitely not. Again with the "always and nevers". I didn't say this happens "always". I said this "has" happened before. If there was an ongoing pattern and occurence, OF COURSE I wouldn't be leaving them home alone with him.

These behaviours occur typically when he's in a particular state of mind.. usually when I've started a new "independent rythm" he's feeling threatened about. He does adjust. I'm now able to continue taking these afternoon breaks because we worked through it. I didn't surrender and subject myself to a shorter leash. Once he mentally accepts these changes, he's fine again.

I don't KNOW he's documenting. I just worry that he is. What can he document? His interpretation of what happened in this scenario. His "need" to call for police support and social services, even though he didn't follow through with it.. even though he admitted he shouldn't have said a lot of what he did.

Ok all kind of bad things don’t happen always, but often enough for you to be concerned or you wouldn’t bother posting about them.

Not saying it’s wrong to have daily breaks. I was just surprised it’s possible to accomplish. I hope you are seeing a doctor about chest pains and trouble breathing. It’s nothing to take lightly. It’s quite dangerous. No man worth ruined health. You need to be healthy for your kids. Hope you do regular check ups

Thank you. My chest pains have gone away. My breathing difficulties come and go, depending on the momentary circumstances. It goes in waves.

Tonight, the whole "documenting me" is causing paranoia. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I just wonder if he's watching me now in how I manage behaviours. If he can't handle it, he'll do nothing until I do.

Tonight our 3 yr old darted off as we were coming indoors. I was with the baby and he was with her. Instead of dealing with it, he went to unlock the front door I was fully capable of doing. He made mention to me that she took off and I didn't chase her (she was in a safe zone). He then grumbled about it and went after her. By that point, she came back. I later asked him why he seemed irritated with me for not chasing her, if he was the one who had her. He denied it and said he was irritated with "her" only. I got the impression he was wanting me to take care of it because we were outdoors, and this scenario is particularly hard for him to manage. I could read a lot into the WHY.. but I won't.

Point being, my mindset is not at par with things. I'm thinking and worrying about things I shouldn't be. I feel like I have to be extra cautious on what I do.. and not because of foul play, but because he could use and distort just about anything. Maybe it's all in my head and I should let it go. I just feel very unsettled. I don't feel like we're in a union at all.

I am going to be blunt and I mean no offense or judgment. He is abusive emotionally and that can often lead to phyiscally. It doesnt matter if he is documenting anything. Courts rarely give custody of children to the father unless the mother is absolutely unfit which you are not. You should start writing everything down and hide it. What causes the most fear with moms? threatening to take the children away. I guarantee he doesnt want the children but he wants to scare and hurt you. It sounds like you are askng for advice but then rationalize why the advice you get doesnt apply- thats the abuse talking. Making a plan to get away is a must including talking to a lawyer. It doesnt matter if he is as well. You know what you are doing is ok, its him who is causing you doubts.

But how can you be in a union when he has accused you of abuse and threatened you?

What I find concerning is you blame your own actions for his bad behavior. You didn't cause him to threaten you. He did that all by himself. Just because you leaned into him at the door, which is not physical abuse, this does not explain, justify or cause him to accuse and threaten you. His actions and reactions are his own responsibility, not yours. You are not the cause of his actions. This is faulty thinking.

I don't see how the two of you could possibly be in a "union" when he has threatened you and when he is setting you up to be the abuser and the bad parent.

I’m not sure I fully understand your situation, and I hope I didn’t say anything to make it worse. The way information was presented on this thread has me feeling confused and I sense how you are now feeling confused yourself.

I don’t like how he threatens you with he will get 60 or 100% custody should you divorce. Then he gets out of a state and back to himself and says he’d never hurt you. I hear you that you are saying there is something very wrong with him.

I just want to clarify about documenting in case of divorce. It’s like any other lawsuit. The parent who is already doing most of the critical parenting will continue to do so. The other parent will also be parenting enough to maintain and nurture a relationship with the child. They want to keep the child’s life as close as possible to what it was. So what you are doing now dictates to what will happen in a divorce. Unless there is abuse.

The lawyers and court don’t want to hear a he said/she said about incidents. Only if there are ones that do have police called in and reports made, or do have injuries to the child with proof would there be any parental rights punishment to either party. The courts do not want to make your three y/o testify.

In the beginning of this thread you said you love him and your kids, so I don’t want to go further down the possible divorce road when maybe you can work with a therapist and repair this marriage.

One suggestion I want to make is that you lessen the ‘you were supposed to be watching’ routine. Even if he’s watching them, you try to be there if you can, and you are also watching them from a distance, not stepping on his toes unless he is endangering them.

If he scolds you for not chasing after the baby when you saw she was safe, stand up for yourself. Tell him, you saw her and she was safe. Let him get off your back. You are the mother and you are not letting your kids get hurt.

Of course you aren’t in a union and you aren’t a team. What you shared with us does not show signs of a relationship that’s a union. Of course there are likely moments when it does feel like a union. And you can say that I exaggerate again but even the most horrible marriage has it’s sweet moments and even the most vicious abusers are sometimes sweet. It’s not the point though. One doesn’t need to be literally “always” bad for the whole thing to be a disaster.

Actually they do give kids to fathers full time. I know many families where father got full custody. Many many reasons and not always severe issue like drugs or abuse. Don’t need to be unfit.

Sure nowadays 50/50 is more common but not always. Of course in a situation when children are breastfed it’s a different story but no one breastfeeds forever

But I agree that in this particular situation I doubt they will take kids away from mom

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I'll address key comments/questions soon.

Due to my paranoia last night, I did probe him with further questions to see where he's at with us.

He said he would like for us to keep moving forward and have "level discussion" and "positive communication" in order for "me" to heal and us to grow and rebuild our relationship .. be a "happy and healthy" couple and love each other and raise our family together in a "positive and loving home".. He knows I'm hurt and in a difficult and stressful position and "helping me heal and feel better" is important to him and for our relationship.

I then asked him what he was wanting from me. He said to "love him".. and be "happy".

I told him I didn't feel we were in an equal relationship (at the very least) and he said that it's partly because he sees me as being "superior" or him as being "inferior" and that I see it this way, too. I mentioned that he's said this same thing about his mom and sister.. they are 2 strong women in the family. He then concluded that he may have an "inferiority complex" I believe has nothing to do with me.

So out of that, he's planning on booking another appointment with his therapist to talk about this piece, as he's never brought it up before.

To me, it explains a lot. I feel it's a gender issue, just by the previous concerns I've had with him around other women.. like he doesn't respect them and objectifies them. When he's upset with me about a rejection/attack, these feelings undoubtedly come flooding out. There's a lot of history behind him that is being directed at me. I'm curious to know how his next appointment will be for him.

At the end of the conversation, he said he loved me and is committed to me and our family and want nothing more than all of us to be happy and live long and loving lives together.

The conversation was more involved than that and I expressed how his behaviours are eating away at what he's claiming to want from me.. etc. This is the gist of our texts.

I played a role in this scenario and am being honest about it. Had I not reacted, it wouldn't have escalated to that point. I have to take ownership of my position.

Well I guess if he's feeling inferior to me, I can understand his "need" to convince others I'm someone I'm not, to boost his own inner power over me. It's abuse, for sure. I'm not letting things slide. He will now be addressing this piece.

The only thing he threatened me was that he'd take the girls full time because, in that moment, he was misinterpreting my intentions (of being in the room) and went into "protective mode", unjustly. He'd never hurt me? It's laughable. He hurts me all the time. Covert abuse is a real thing. As for 60%, it's my fear about the financial gains he'd receive, since he's currently bankrupt.

Ya, I'm wanting HIM to do this work. I'm also demanding time to cope through all this, despite if it makes him feel unloved.

I was there watching on all three occasions. The point I was trying to make is that I was being blamed for something, unfairly. The first incident, I turned my back for a moment to put my cup away, to free my hands for the one year old. The second and third incidents, I was helping the one year old in some way. I made mention of these in case he'd "document".. just pointing out I was NOT being neglectful.

Ya.. my fear.

You can take ownership of your own actions, but you are NOT responsible for him escalating matters further.

You are justifying, rationalizing and are taking the blame. You are a classic abuse victim, and you are doing all the classic things an abuse victim does and says to justify staying with someone who is flat out abusive.

And until you get therapeutic help yourself, I don't think you will ever get out of this most toxic and abusive relationship. But I understand that there are limits to therapy help right now. What's difficult is that you are not absorbing what we are saying over and over again to you. I'm personally very worried for your safety, your well being and your mental health, not to mention your kids' mental health and stability. It's most concerning.

“As for 60%, it's my fear about the financial gains he'd receive, since he's currently bankrupt”

Why do you worry about his financial gain? I thought you worry he’ll have kids more and you’ll miss them or he won’t take care of them. So the issue is his financial gain? Why are his finances are a concern?

Plus unless you are secretly filthy rich, what can he gain from you?