The after shock of narcissistic abuse in friendship

The text bombing thing...the insistance on dragging you away from your good mood...not backing away...all sounds like narcissism. And finally...not apologizing...that always is the...final straw. I started to think about the people I knew who never apologized...and that is to me a sign of toxic narcissism. I cannot imagine living a life without being able to apologize. It shows you respect the other person. Finally..the "old friends forever friends," card...so familiar! It hurts when you trust that the other means it until suddenly they don't. I hope this thread hasn't triggered negative memories to surface. I probably should have put a warning icon next to the title. It really takes a lot to process this kind of abuse. As far as talking negatively about one's spouse I was guilty of that. I am glad it ended in divorce because being unhappily married is certainly a torture. So it's not that I don't understand it...but it is difficult when you know both people.

This is why you are experiencing so much cognitive dissonance. I experience this myself Dechan, it can get debilitating. I do not get any enjoyment from hurting others it's never been anything that empowered me like I have seen others get from causing hurt and doubt in others. There are many that are just consumers, looking to buy some new thrill instead of learning how to create their own thrills. It sounds like your mother encouraged learning how to create and she gave warmth to doing that instead of encouraging "using" what others create, instead she wanted to inspire creating from within oneself. It's learning inspiration, not deprevation or competition, but instead sharing joy and a sense of creative freedom.

We tend to reward gold stars for being perfect instead of rewarding for learning how to learn and grow and embracing self discovery. It's like expecting everyone to conform to being a rose, when in reality people are all different flowers within and blossom at different times and in different ways. I have no interest in ruining another's blossom, and I have my own blossom that I want respected too.

Narcissists don't get that, for whatever reason they feel deprived and as a result can't be truthful or embrace reality but instead look to change reality to whatever suits them.

That being said Dechan, in all fairness to your friend, if her husband is in fact an alcoholic, there is a lot of narcissism in that problem in that everything revolves around the drinking. And some alcoholics are high functioning and manage to hide this problem well and can be rather charming and likeable. Yet, their spouses see the true Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde in them that others don't see. Given that my father was a binge alcoholic and I married a binge alcoholic, I do happen to be familiar with this challenge.

It could be that this friend has a great deal of pent up frustration in her and when you were not receptive, she blasted you with all this pent up anger. That was certainly not fair to you. If this is a true problem for your friend, she needs support from others that CAN validate her and help her. It's unfortunate but there are times where others pull away simply because they never witnessed the behaviors for themselves and feel uncomfortable talking about it. For myself, it was a friend divorcing her husband because he was an alcoholic and she could not take it anymore, he was bad and died young from it. I had not understood binge alcoholism and what is so unhealthy about it that was affecting me. Actually, even my husband did not realize he had a problem until I finally said something and he went to an AA meeting and learned he had a problem.

You did not deserve to be blasted and have to endure all this friend's pent up anger. It sounds like she felt abandoned and expected you to be able to have a more open mind. Yet, if someone is not seeing something for themselves, doesn't understand the challenge personally, then it's not something they are capable of engaging in, especially if the person being discussed was always nice to them and they never saw the bad behaviors first hand.

Very wise words indeed.


I do think I was raised in a home where individual creativity and independent thinking were encouraged. My father had his own business which he started from scratch...and it became very successful...and we all saw that as an example.

I think you see very deeply into situations. My friend is not used to me being the one who may need support. She views me as someone who is strong no matter what. But I have had a few years here where I don't feel very strong at all.


Perhaps the problem with long friendships...and family relationships...is that one gets put into a role. My role is of someone who is strong no matter what...and who can take care of myself.


You know...I have told my friend many times...that if her husband is really an alcoholic he needs AA. The truth is...his father was an alcoholic. Since we all knew each other as teenagers (I dated her husband's brother) we all knew about the father. Not just knew...but felt his abuse vicariously through these brothers. The brothers really became over-achievers...like straight A's in school...working after school and on the weekends at jobs...perfectionists at everything they did. So the idea that her husband would end up an alcoholic is shocking...because he hated this in his own father.

Anyway...I do not know for certain that her husband IS an alcoholic.

I also told her multiple times she should go to Alanon. I went because I was dealing with alcohol abuse in my family. I loved Alanon. It was very helpful.

I told her she could do Alanon online. She said she doesn't know the first thing about how to join an online community or go on a forum. I don't know if her husband does that for her, too. I mean...Lord...she really needs to learn her way around on the Internet on her own.

I think (and here I will be like you Open Eyes, and will dig deep) maybe she is afraid to rock the boat and that is why she doesn't want to go to Alanon. She doesn't want to ever have to leave her marriage and as she says, be like me, a person who she considers has a terrible life.

Well...I have financial problems and mental health concerns but I don't think I have a terrible life.


I guess for her the idea of not owning a home and renting an apartment and living alone...is a terrible life. She is naive. Millions of people in America live this way. My city has so many apartment complexes it seems about a quarter of the population lives in apartments. And this is a very wealthy town. Many retired people opt for apartments.

My sister was married to an alcoholic who never recovered. She divorced him. He remarried and his second wife divorced him...and he ended up very tragically. And he was a very talented man. He actually invented things and had patents.


If my friend's husband is an alcoholic I cannot really help her. You would know better than I do what happens to people like her. I don't know.

Now I feel guilty like I have deserted her. But I am really not equipped to help her and at this time my own problems are over-whelming.

I guess I will have to start including her in my prayers. Up until now...I haven't felt like doing that...but today...I do. So that's good.

Thanks again, sweet friend, and have a good weekend.

Honestly Dechan, she may be afraid someone might see her that she knows at Alanon too. She probably is VERY private and doesn't want anyone to know there are problems. After all, she wanted the ideal and that storybook life she thought your mother created. My guess is she is too embarrassed to tell you that too.

When a friend explained to me one day when I learned she was leaving her husband that if you argue at all about alcohol "there is a problem", it was the first time I realized that she was right because it had been a problem and something my husband and I fought over. With binging, they don't think there is a problem because they don't drink everyday and only get really drunk once in a while, AND, they can control consumption and drink socially too. So often they themselves THINK they have control and don't know THEY actually do have a problem.

You shared that you remember her husband drinking socially, but that you saw him control it. Ah ha, yes but there are times he gets drunk too and often because it's progressive, what you remember in him not showing problems, well, no one expects to develop a problem. Many children of alcoholics DO develop a problem even though they HATED how their own parent had problems. It's more common than one might think. My father's father was a mean drunk, otherwise was an extremely talented nice man, but NOT when he got drunk. My father tried and tried to get him to stop drinking too. Yet, my father too developed a problem and insisted he could control it because he binged and did not drink daily like his father did.

And also, I don't think it's that your friend can't figure out how to get involved with alanon online, I think she is too afraid to admit there is a problem. Also, most of the time the advice given at alanon meetings is TO LEAVE your alcoholic partner. And most women do leave once their partner gets sober, they typically wait until their partner is sober and managing and then they divorce.

And you are more than likely right about your friend being too afraid to live on her own like you do. No, she doesn't have the strength you have. That doesn't make her a narcissist though. She is probably more of a codependent and quietly suffering. Being married to an alcoholic is like being married to a narcissist and suffering many of the symptoms of that kind of abuse. You may be dealing with an injured animal that is so hurt and frightened it growls and bites when further threatened.

Dechan please know that I am not making excuses for your friend. I certainly do not want to invalidate the hurt you feel or that she behaved very badly.

I will say that when dealing with an alcoholic the problem is guarded and there is much denial and twisting in the alcoholic just as with a narcissist. There is the Jeckle and Hyde just like a narcissist too. And there is still a negative stigma attached to it too. And this is in both the alcoholic and the codependent spouse.

Personally I wanted it fixed and resolved. I loved my husband but did not like the drinking and the behavior. I made a mistake and talked about it with someone I thought was a friend and Coleader in a browny troop I was a leader in for my daughter and her little friends. To my horror once I shared the challenge I was black listed and my daughter lost her friends and I did not know how to explain that to her. People can be MEAN and hurtful that way. So I understand this friend’s concern.

Actually it was not very long ago that someone threw that challenge in my face once again proving to me that old risk of sharing and how the wrong person can throw it at you in such a hurtful way. I had been nice to that person too. Want nothing more to do with that person. Not a person I care to invest any more in. Learned I am not alone with that opinion too.

As far as this is concerned.? Something tells me she is very lost and alone with this challenge. I have a feeling there is a part of her that wishes someone else would tell her husband he has a problem. She may be too afraid. Like I mentioned an attack can come from genuine fear. (Fight/flight fear). She wanted something from you and could not articulate it properly. And while I believe you told her about alanon more than once I don’t think she has the courage to go as I mentioned. I don’t think she knows how to explain that to you.

To be honest with you I too was afraid and my friend took me to a meeting close to her so I would not see anyone there I knew. Honestly that meeting frightened me. Everyone looked old and burnt out like the life was sucked out of them. And they told me point blank. “You are young! Save yourself and leave your husband!” I was not ready to experience that. My daughter was only six and my husband and I were only 34.

That was about 30 years ago not like it is now where there is a lot more information about it.

My guess is this friend is older and has dealt with this challenge alone for a lot of years. And it’s not like she is young and can reinvent herself.

Okay. A few things.

1) I belong to Psych Central so I can come on for support and encouragement. This thread was about my trauma in after shock from narcissistic abuse...not this other person's inability to deal with her "supposedly" alcoholic spouse.


2) Whether or not this friend can be labeled "narcissistic" remains a mystery --- but she does exhibit narcissistic tendencies such as never apologizing, always having to be right, and a cruel lack of empathy.

3) I have never uttered an unkind word to this friend. It is not my style to attack people or say cruel things to people. I even said in this thread that if she wanted to end the friendship that would be her choice and I would accept it. What I don't accept is how she attacked me in a way she knew would hurt me --- especially when I am so vulnerable at this time.

4) I don't have to try to understand this person's problems. I have listened to her complain for years and years about her husband. As far as I know he did not have a drinking problem until very recently according to my friend. He has always been a good provider, has many friends, hobbies, volunteers, and maintains their life. She is the one who isolates, shops, and hoards. So all-in-all until this drinking thing came up she picked on him for things I thought were pretty minor such as his not doing chores around the house as quickly as she wanted him to.

5) I do not have any proof that this man is an alcoholic. And since I have recently been catching her in a lot of lies why should I so readily believe this?

6) She could go online and join Alanon anonymously. Also...there are many books on codependency she could read. I work very hard at my mental health. A person can't heal by only complaining to others.


7) I am happy I came on here and talked about this again. I do feel better. I can now include her in my prayers in a very general (not specific) way. But I really want no contact with her. This thread really wasn't supposed to be about her. It was about my feeling traumatized by her abuse.

8) As I am now on the brink of possible homelessness...I am feeling somewhat bitter about all the people (family included) who have turned away from me. I don't think I will be able to withstand being homeless either physically or psychological. In fact...just the threat of homelessness is having a very detrimental effect on my state-of-mind.

I know you mean well, Open Eyes, but, in truth, I myself have little empathy for codependents who don't help themselves. I had to deal with addiction and substance abuse in my family...addicts are very selfish, and codependents are also kind of selfish...because they want to complain but not do anything about their situation.

I think, ultimately, this is why my friend turned on me. You describe her as a "cornered animal." Well, that is not true. She is not a cornered animal. She is human being with a heart and soul, quite intelligent - as I always tell her - and it is true, and also very, very, very spoiled.


If she decided to leave her husband she has many people who could and would shelter her. She has many siblings who are like friends, responsible adult children, nieces and nephews galore...a veritable village of people. She would have enough money to rent a small apartment near her adult children, or other relatives.


She doesn't have to set up a whole new life for herself. She has strong connections, and enough money to survive. She even told me one relative would provide her with a sort of granny flat on their property...rent free. They live out in the country and she loves it there. So in many ways she has opportunities awaiting her.


I don't want this thread to veer off into codependent behavior on my part...enabling this person to be weak, spoiled, selfish, mean-spirited and passive aggressive.

Anyway...I don't have the energy to figure out why she is so mean-spirited. I am finding out something I always knew...when you are down-and-out MOST people will blame you, judge you, bully you, and devalue you. I have been there before. When I was younger I was smarter and just ignored everyone. I have gone through a lot of crappy stuff and have survived...but it always leaves me feeling a bit more bitter about people.

People like to kick someone who is down because it makes them feel better about themselves. Like they are superior. This is just the attitude that has led to everything evil in this world from abuse to wars to genocide.

If my ex-friend really loved her spouse maybe leaving him would be the catalyst for him to wake up and start healing himself. So there is that, too.


As my personal situation is becoming very dire and extreme I am probably going to take a break from Psych Central.


Thank you for everything, Open Eyes, and everyone else who contributed to this thread.

That was great how you laid all that out Dechan. I hope that perhaps it helped you put this aside and focus more on yourself.

Yes sadly people can disappoint us when we need them the most. (((Hugs)))

Hi, I hope it's okay to add to this - I think the end of a friendship can be extremely sad and distressing. There's a lot said and written about romantic relationship break ups but less so about friendships - I am not sure why this is because friendships can be just as important in their own way.

I can't imagine how this must feel after 5 decades. It sounds like she has been one of your major primary relationships and this is going to be upsetting for you. I hope writing it out here helped especially if you are needing closure.

It sounds to me like she really pushed your boundaries, talking negatively about her husband who was a mutual friend. It sounds like triangulating. That is a very destructive thing for her to have done. I can understand why you finally said no more- even though it must have been hard.

Often the right/best thing to do is not the easiest. It takes strength and courage to call time on a relationship which is no longer good for us or the other person.

I hope you can find peace and closure.

Triangulation! That was it...EXACTLY. That was the word I used in a text with her. I said I did not want to be triangulated with her and her spouse. And you paid attention...because you noted that I knew him. And finally that was it. I felt it wasn't morally right to make an enemy out of him for no reason...especially because he had always been helpful and cordial to me...like helping me with computer issues and such.

Coming here and talking about it for two days straight in these LOOOOOONG posts did help a lot. I saw that there was nothing more I could do...and that I had to let go...with love. That's the hard part because of feeling so hurt...but I can see that it is right. So I just put her back in my prayers.
Not praying that we become friends again...but that she find some peace in her life.

In my life I have always had a tradition...that I not be at odds with older people. They are closer to death...and one should not release a bunch of negative vibes around them. And now that I am older I also don't want to be swirling in negative vibes.

And so it made me sooooooo angry that this was how this was going to end...with all the negative stuff.

I recently came across a picture of her when she was in her early 20's. She was a gorgeous girl. In the picture (black and white) she had a scarf across her lower face...and just her bright blue eyes and creamy Irish complexion were highlighted. Because of the scarf the photo looked very contemporary. Like a mask.

I carefully stored the picture away. So yeah, there is a strange element of it being almost like a romantic relationship. Don't know why. But had a lot of fire and passion and laughter and tears. A lifetime's worth.

Well some people know the back story. I was dating her husband's brother in high school. We weren't old enough to drive so his older brother drove us everywhere until we could drive. We lived in the country so his brother had to drive long distances to take us places and pick us up. He did this without ever complaining. Or teasing. So I had a fondness for him way back when I was 15.

Then I got the idea to fix him up with my friend. I think by my friend and I were 16.

Well...with them...it was like lighting a bon fire! They fell madly in love. Madly, wildly, insanely. It was crazy. They got married as soon as my friend graduated high school.

In college I broke up with the younger brother who was so angry he did voodoo on me. He had a picture of me on his dartboard and threw darts at my picture for a couple of years!

So this is the pair...all these decades later. And to me her spouse is just that same nice guy who used to be our Uber driver throughout high school.

And together with my friend...they were like Romeo and Juliet...an extremely handsome pair. And so much in love. So it is painful to hear her be so mean-spirited about him. Yep. I couldn't take it anymore.

When your experience with someone has only been positive like you just decribed, it doesn't feel right to participate in negative talk or to decide he is bad without seeing things for yourself. Even worse is when someone expresses that kind of rage directed at you, that tends to put the spotlight more on the person now hurting you as showing the bad behavior. So the only evidence you have of bad and toxic behavior is coming from your friend. And, she did that at a time when you had major challenges yourself taking place. That was pretty selfish of her.

There have been times when I helped someone else when I was genuinely experiencing something bad myself. I should have seen that red flag as a sign too. That my problem did not matter and this individual wanted to use me. I later found that out once I expressed a boundary and watched the person not only put me down, but proceed to rage rant about me in a smear campaign. And that took precedent over anyone else needing help for THEIR challenges.

I know you want to write an angry letter, however, when someone doesn't respect your boundaries typically they will just use that letter to say you are the bad person and they are the victim. You did the right thing in getting therapy and even sharing here too where you got to vent things out Dechan. When someone chooses to hurt you it's important you say ouch with someone who can see you are hurt, and not with someone who wanted to hurt you enough so you would say ouch. There is nothing wrong with remembering YOU were a nice person either. It's ok to walk away from someone carrying a sword and choosing not to engage in their toxic dual. That list you wrote out in your post was important in that what you shared means that any angry letter you write will not make any difference, when a person doesn't care and wants to hurt you, they will decide an angry letter is only a win for them.

Open Eyes; Actually, coming on here and talking about this situation and getting such thoughtful feedback has helped me tremendously.
Maybe these kinds of situations are repeated in our lives with different people because we don't clearly see the patterns and aren't strong enough to set boundaries. I am happy I sought out a counselor online (briefly) to talk about this situation. When we get professional help it gives us perspective. But coming on Psych Central and talking with peers has been the greatest help of all.

The pandemic has probably had a lot to do with why all this happened now. Being cooped up...and with everyone using electronic communication devices...and with everyone being so anxious...it brings things to a painful point.

This person went crazy with texting. In another thread Tish said her friend did that and she ignored the texts...then her friend sent her an email...and that was that...she never heard from her now ex-friend again. Even before this my (ex)friend would sent long texts more like emails or letters - oddly written. Now I think maybe she was texting while drinking??? I mainly use texts for short one-sentence communication with people I also talk to regularly on the phone. I didn't really like getting these long, long texts...they aren't the greatest way to communicate. I think perhaps this person wasn't comfortable using her home computer. IDK. Maybe her spouse was on the computer and she was out on the back porch drinking and texting!!!

I tried calling this friend and she wouldn't pick up her phone. In this way, it seems like bullies are using electronic communication to strike out...and avoid a two-way conversation. That's why I don't want to send a letter anymore. What I would have liked is a real conversation on the phone...but that will never happen. Or to visit one another...but that is unlikely. And if in the future she calls and acts like "nothing happened" that is not acceptable anymore. She has done this before.

I don't feel that this person used me. My main problem was her recent rage attack which was so disrespectful. I couldn't come back from that. People push too far.

Personally I hope to never have such relationships again...and will be mindful of red flags.

Last year I got sort of friendly with an adorable older couple who were neighbors...but after a time they were very upfront with me that for them drinking was a daily event. Cocktails. Bottles of wine. This is not the first time I have run into this with older retired people. It's funny because it reminds me of being a teenager and wanting to avoid people who partied by drinking...because I was pretty wholesome as was my boyfriend. Now on the other side of life I am the same...lead a very wholesome life...and I don't want to be around that. Daily drinking seems so unhealthy for someone who is older. Especially day drinking!

We talked a lot on this thread about the fact my friend might be a codependent in a relationship with someone who is abusing alcohol...or maybe she herself is also abusing alcohol. If that is the case I guess some kind of intervention is needed...but who is going to do that? Not me because I don't live near them.

Maybe my friend purposely caused a rupture in our friendship because I was getting too close to the truth about alcohol abuse in her household. Maybe she didn't like me talking about Alanon. They say that during this pandemic domestic abuse is on the rise. I don't know about substance abuse...but I guess that is probably also on the rise.

Personally I have dealt with alcoholism and substance abuse in my own family...and now I don't want to be exposed to it in others. I am not a social worker or a psychologist or substance abuse counselor. After giving out advice about AA, and Alanon, and books on codependency...I don't know what else I can do...except distance myself.

So, no, I no longer have a desire to write a letter, or yell at this ex friend or throw a pie in her face. Okay, maybe the pie would be nice!

I feel sorry for her. I really, really, really do.

She sounds like she was overall a good friend. Like I said earlier, these lifelong friendships become so close, more like family, that they become enmeshed.

I felt like my friend couldn’t separate where she ended and I began. She had no qualms saying things to me no one would ever say to someone, and I mostly put up with it. She had a habit of trying to push me into giving it back to her, but if i ever did, she’d become outraged. She could dish it out, but can’t take it. I hated that whole biting dynamic she kept trying to do, and wouldn’t play her game. But, I don’t think your friendship was like that.

It sounds like yours just got too close, too personal and triangulated where you were IN the marriage with them.

And where is she to help you when you are being displaced in your housing situation? Now, that would be a really good lifelong friend. Her marriage issues are much more important to her to vent about to you and when you ask her to stop she lashes out in anger. Her issues aren’t dire, yours are. A true friend should have some empathy.

If you decide to have a phone conversation with her, it may make you feel better rather than ending it this way. You can certainly use moral support, at least. There’s no shame in expressing your feelings and asking for your needs to be met. I just did that with my son, rather than constantly hurt from his abandonment. But, of course, if you’d rather not and move on from her you do what’s best for you. Regardless, it won’t be the same dynamic of her venting to you about her husband anymore.

I feel really bad that i couldn’t maintain that lifelong friendship. But she made it impossible. She was not a good friend. So the idealized thought of what I wanted it to be was never accurate anyway. I thought more highly of her than she deserved. But, again, your friend doesn’t sound like she was always toxic and a bad friend...so there’s that for you to consider.

This ex-friend texted me months ago and said she would offer me shelter - "except for" her husband. I doubt he would have been negative about it (and just to be clear I NEVER asked her for shelter)...but then that is another thing I hate about people in marriages who say they can't do this or that because of a spouse. You never know if they are telling the truth or using the spouse as an excuse. That strikes me as weak. My ex and I often had people stay with us when they were new in town or in transition. It was never problematic. We never had a lot but we always had enough to share with others and that is one excellent memory I have of our marriage. But then we "honeymooned" by joining Peace Corps together so I guess we had a unique marriage.

I expect no one cares what happens to me, no one can be bothered, or they think it is my "fault" to be in this predicament. I have been trying to get help. Things are really screwy because of the pandemic and people are not in their offices and don't return calls or messages. But I am kind of beyond caring what happens at this point. I feel beyond seeking moral support from anyone and I doubt I will ever again speak with this person.

Tish, so did you recently connect with your son? If so this is cause for celebration. Good for you to have made your needs known. Wow. I am really happy for you!

Thank you! He may have said what I wanted to hear. I pray he meant it. His behavior has completely changed the past two years. I’ll keep trying though and never give up on him.

I really admire your bravery as I can’t imagine myself even being independent (I never have ). Again, heartfelt prayers for you should we get disconnected on this site and in the middle of all the outrageous things happening in the world. This has been such a unique experience of connecting people though!

I am really happy for you that you have reconnected with your son. Well, he should say what is in his heart but ALSO say what you want to hear because "acting as if" is very powerful. He needs his Mom in his life. Yes, never give up on him. That's the "Mom job" ---

My son and I have weathered many rough times...but we always come back and reconnect on a deeper level. Maybe that is happening now with you and your adult child. Best of luck.

Thank you for your presence on Psych Central, Tish. I have always followed your every thread whether I comment or not. I have always enjoyed your every contribution and consider you to be...well, don't blush...but absolutely brilliant!


I am not really very independent. Not at all. Not by a long shot. If I was...I would be able to take care of myself. And I am not doing that well. I have been very stressed and not functioning well these last few months. I have been unable to get the support I need in real life. This has all been made much worse by the pandemic.

No one is functioning very well.

Calling housing agencies and nonprofits and leaving messages and such is much harder. They take days...sometimes weeks...to return calls...and often have nothing to offer in the way of help. As well there are new stricter guidelines for renting with people needing proof of income and having incomes 3X monthly rent. Many people's rent has been more than 33 per cent of their monthly income. Often it is 40 or 50 per cent or more. People who rent use more and more of their income towards rent. In my case I have recently been using 99 per cent of monthly income for rent. The model of 3X monthly rent is totally not realistic and it is causing a lot of people to have difficulty in renting affordable housing.

Four years ago the property manager here told me how to "fudge" my accounts so I would qualify for renting here. My ex helped me get in here by transferring funds to my savings account which he withdrew as soon as I moved in. So it looked like I had more money than I did in actuality. In other words...I "fudged the rules" to get in here. And ironically it was the property manager who told me to do this. She said if I had a certain amount in my savings account they would allow me to sign the lease. She said I should get someone to put cash in my savings account for a week while I signed the lease. So that's what I did.

My ex told me to never again ask him for help and I have kept to that. Not because he isn't able to...but because he did not want to help me. He did not give me any money, of course. He just transferred some funds then transferred them back to his accounts...over a period of about 4 days. It was merely a paperwork gesture...but kept me from being homeless four years ago up until now.

I called my health provider twice in the past month with messages that I was experiencing extreme stress with suicidal ideation. But conversations with crisis counselors there have not gone well. It was one counselor there who convinced me I should move back east and put it on my credit cards.

Other crisis counselors have said it was a "good idea" to move back east even though it meant going into debt. I scrapped that plan when it seemed I would go into debt for about $5,000. Back there they don't have these strict new requirements for renting. They just check credit and rental history and mine is about as good as it gets...at the moment.

Well, now it is too late. I scrapped that plan of moving back east and doing everything on credit. I didn't realize how REALLY bad it is in this area regarding no affordable housing...and from my research I see fewer roommates situations...probably because of the pandemic.

Even though I am preparing to be homeless...it is really not a viable situation. I am high risk for Covid and use a nebulizer two to three times daily for asthma. The machine needs to be plugged in. My pick up truck is very old and it is really not viable to consider living in it. I would rather die than go into a shelter. I simply would not do it. Going into a shelter in the middle of a pandemic? I can think of better ways to commit suicide.

This ex-friend suggested to me...last year...that I get a storage unit and live in it. Well, I don't know if she was being cruel or not...but that isn't even viable as it is completely illegal to consider that...and storage unit companies would not allow that to happen. I did ask her if she was "serious" and she didn't answer. It was...a rather humiliating conversation. I told her at that time I was having suicidal ideation. The next day I texted her and said I needed a break from communicating with her. Her response was to text me and tell me that if she didn't hear from me within 24 hours she was going to call the police.

I emailed her and lamblasted her. It was like she was using calling the police as some kind of threat. She knew I was calling my doctor regularly and also using crisis hotlines when I felt I needed to talk. Her calling the police would have been inappropriate.


I since have read that this is something narcissists will do...they will call the police on someone because of their rage or to get back at someone who says they don't want to communicate. This is actually something narcissists do...


OMG. I am not doing well. At the same time no one EVER EVER EVER thinks I am not doing well. What I mean is everyone always has complete faith in me that I will survive and figure things out and land on my feet. I guess based on past experience that's true...and they always say that past experience in the best predictor of future experience. I do always land on my feet. But...this whole situation...is over the top. Over the top. I cant even consider moving to the nearest large city because protestors there have become violent and it would be too dangerous to even visit there never mind move there.

It is ironic that at this time now this forum is threatened. With the pandemic nothing is safe.

Hold on to love, folks, hold on to love.

I agree, all right now is completely over the top. Should we try to laugh at the ridiculousness? Otherwise we may totally lose ourselves in the anxiety.

I do have faith you will figure out something safe to do for now. Maybe find someone else who needs a roommate. All you need is a short term situation at the least to avoid being homeless.

I hear you about how your friend feigned concern by threatening to call the police. I tried to not confide in my friend too much, but she called incessantly and pumped it out of me. One time, I reached out to her for help. I had OD’d to the point where I was worried while having a hysterical meltdown and was alone. I asked her to drive the 45 minutes and take me to the clinic. She told me I could drive the distance down to her or drive myself to the clinic. So that’s the concerned friend, who constantly pries personal information out of me, but when I need her help, couldn’t give a shyt. These friends were not truly good friends.

Yes, there were many fun times together on a more shallow level. But when you really needed a true friend, they were only self serving.

Now, there are people who are truly friends. They will cross oceans for you and you will do the same. They are nice and genuinely care for you, and you the same. You and I simply chose friends who were not these people deep down.

May we live through these tough times, move on to better ones, and find quality people to spend the rest of days with. I’ve met really nice people here at PC. Keep faith in humanity, hard as it may be now.

It is not easy to find someone who needs a roommate in a pandemic. Either people are staying put or moving in with family. I don't "know" anyone and moving in with a complete stranger at this time sounds like hell...since I have never done that in my life, am high risk for Covid, and have anxiety. The idea really creeps me out. Every time I move I look into the housemate or roommate thing and it always feels creepy. Like people who want someone who "share" their life philosophy to one person who wanted a roommate willing to dog-sit for her when she went out of town for business or pleasure, free-of-charge. Come on! Roommates are not friends. (Anyway, when I went out of town I always paid my friends lavishly for feeding and checking in on my cats when I had them.) Also a lot of people smoke and want roommates who are okay with that, which I am not because I have asthma. Makes my truck look cozy!

I have exhausted all possibilities of people helping. As well I am battling depression and anxiety which makes it feel like I am wading through mud.

I considered deleting my account here before things get weird. Maybe I still will. I always kept it as a kind of timeline to see my ups and downs over the years.

I came back to this post - was going to delete it.

I will call emergency family assistance again this week.

I'm not too much into laughing at the situation at this time. Severe ramped up rioting and violence has broken out in my nearest big city and I am worried about people I know who live there. This have been tough for them but now it's getting worse. I have been kind of anxious since hearing about that guy in Brooklyn who got shot and paralyzed after he went out with his wife to get toothpaste and to hold an umbrella for her. Living in urban areas has never been for the faint-hearted but now it is getting so bad!

Also can't see any humor in a pandemic that is killing thousands of people. The last thing I read was a prediction this could go on for two more years.

Being on the verge of homelessness is absolutely the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. And all alone. Nah. I am not laughing. Especially because my doctor has refused to give me any medication for anxiety in the past 20 weeks because I am over 60. That's so cruel I can't even think about it.

Sorry. I am not mentally well right now. I usually have a pretty good sense of humor but I am super stressed right now. I probably will take a break from Psych Central because am feeling I could be triggering to others. Hope the forum is still here when I get back.

Stay safe, everyone!!!!

Idk, the dogsitting roommate gig sounds possible. It would mean that the owner is not at home a lot of the time? That would be a plus.

Its not the same as you have now, but isnt too big of a change, if you are used to dogs.

Okay...I was citing this as an example of what I encountered years ago when looking into roommate and housemate situations. I don't think you got my point. Someone should not advertise for a roommate who is willing to be a free dog sitter...unless that is part of the rental agreement. It wasn't put that way. It was more like this person was trying to get a roommate AND a free dog sitter. It is stupid, probably illegal on some level, and totally unacceptable. It has nothing to do with whether or not I like dogs.


Why the fvck would that be a great situation for me? I don't want to be dog-sitting some privileged person's dog for free. That's simply insane. That should not be the condition for renting a space in someone's house.


If I was going to do that I will house-sit and dog-sit...which I have already advertised to do...but people are not traveling as much and those jobs aren't coming up.

Anyway...this was not a CURRENT situation. And it was not a GIG. It was an example of how people take advantage when they have a house and advertise for a roommate or housemate. They want someone vegan, or someone who believes in Gaia, or someone who will watch their animals, or someone who will plant their gardens, or someone who won't mind if they smoke pot in the house and have pot parties.


I don't want to be someone's fvcking servant. I don't want a gig. I just want a roof over my head, to pay rent, and to be left alone.


I really want to close this thread. I am really at my wit's end, scared to death, with heightened anxiety, and not asking for suggestions on how to avoid being homeless. This is all really too much for me and I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown at this point. I just wanted to thank everyone and end this thread is all.

I have requested this thread be closed. The original topic has been exhausted. Thank you to all who helped with the original topic. It helped me tremendously. More than you will ever know. Thank you, darlings. I am so grateful to you all for your comments.