The ending of my relationship

I don’t have a lawyer anymore. I cannot afford the additional fees. I hired a lawyer to negotiate the divorce agreement only, which should be all set now unless my husband decides to make additional changes.

The only things we have to communicate about are taxes and two more boxes of his belongings that he missed when moving out.

Engaging with an abuser is like going to the zoo and arguing, trying to explain yourself to the monkeys. Abusers are emotional vampires....they want and NEED you to keep explaining yourself and responding to their abuse. It is a never-ending cycle.

This couldn’t be more true. That’s exactly what it feels like!

Tell him in one single message, no back and forth needed, that boxes of his stuff will be outside the door until noon on Saturday. After that it gets pitched. It could actually be pitched now. I thought the deadline for him to move stuff was like in the winter. At this point I’d file taxes separately to minimize interaction. Of course it’s up to you but it’s going on for too long and effects your mental health.

I just discovered the boxes the other day buried in our attic space. I will definitely minimize contact from now on.

Most family courts have mediators for preventing domestic violence or even just to help commu inaction during a conflict filled time. A mediator doesn't necessarily negotiate on your behalf, but are simply present with you as you negotiate the last bits. They can also help offer a compromise that meets state law. Using the court mediator put him on his best behavior and helped me feel safe. In my state it was a free service.

As for personal belongings, if you make a mediation appointment, bring the items along and make the exchange with a neutral 3rd party watching. It certainly limited my ex's options for name calling and verbally assaulting me.

I hope things go smoothly and quietly for you.

Yeah, give him a reasonable deadline for picking up the stuff you’ve found recently - make this the final opportunity for him to pick his stuff up. You could sell/pitch anything else you find later on, rather than contact him again. If there was anything he’d desperately wanted to keep with him, he’d likely have already dug it out and taken it. And if there was something he wanted but didn’t dig out? It’s just going to be collateral damage when you purge his belongings from your space. Consequences!

And his point is?

It is a revealing comment in that he is saying that supporting you isn't just out of love for you but rather so as to gain something for himself.

If he didn’t ask for those boxes, he likely has no need for them. It’s nice of you to worry about him getting his stuff but he had since November and if it was anything of value he’d pick it up. He still has stuff at his ex wives. That’s how he keeps foot in the door. Annoying. Take to Salvation Army

Thanks everyone!

I do want the boxes out ASAP. He will want them, I know. One has family photo albums. He just didn’t see them before because they were underneath my own stuff in our storage. He’s coming Monday after work to pick up tax papers so I’ll have him take the boxes then. That way, it will be the last of it and there no further reason for him to come to my home.

As far as safety goes, there’s no reason for a mediator or anything like that. We’re more amicable than that and there’s no threat of violence.

@Bill3, you make a really good point about his motives! He did sound like he was trying to gain something for himself! I didn’t see it that way at first, but I do see your point. Of course everything is about him getting what HE needs, so of course his so called loving gestures toward me are really in order to gain something for himself. Grrrr...

I am so resentful of him right now.

You knew that six months ago ...

And..? This sounds insensitive. Have you read the thread?

Yeah. What I mean by that is there is no surpirse here. Narc is a narc. Didnt mean to sound insesnsitive.

Well she knew before they even got married but so what. Most people know that their relationship sucks early on but most people still stick around.

When we are lonely, we tend to be in denial.

Now she didn’t stay that long. She was out after just a year and a half of marriage. Many people stay miserable with wrong people for way longer and some spend their whole life in denial. So I think Hope got the real picture pretty quick

Thanks.. he made such grand promises, I tried to believe him but the whole time deep down I did not believe it.

I was never in denial. I chose to move forward for specific reasons just before the wedding when I realized full on he was abusive. It wasn’t loneliness then either. It was not wanting to lose eight thousand dollars. I was also stuck in an apartment lease and had no way to move out and neither did he. I moved forward, hoping for the best but I saw trouble and certainly wasn’t in denial.

Oh ok. My bad.

I didn’t know you stayed with him for those reasons. I thought you could still stay on the lease and go on vacation together but not be married if you know he is abusive. Always easier to get out. I never thought those would be the reasons!

Lease and money spent on vacation is unusual reason to get married, but heck I did some strange things in life myself. I can sure say I was in denial several times in my life!

Yeah.. at the time I also really wanted to get married. I was 48 and tired of dating. Lots of reasons, really. At the time I thought I was being practical. I also couldn’t deal with a breakup then. Too much to get into and it’s neither here nor there. We’re divorcing and I’ve left him.. that’s what matters now.

He’s been silent the last day or two, with only one text and call to let me know his father was rushed to the hospital for an emergency blood transfusion.

I had asked my husband to keep me posted about his father. What I meant was not every time he goes back to the hospital, but if he actually dies. I didn’t want to be completely calloused towards him after he supported me through work and a hospitalization.

But do I want every update? NO.

I did this out of having a heart, now I’m regretting it because it keeps us in touch.

Sometimes we get small gifts when we want big gifts. Every gift is a blessing. (Fortune cookie fortune I've kept for 8 years)

Maybe this small gift of minimal communication only about what you asked is what you need and you don't know it yet.

Yes agreed. I do need distance from him again. Last night I let loose on him, and it’s because we were communicating. We were in touch yesterday over a concert. He was going so I chose not to go. Then all my anger came out towards him. Best to just not communicate at all.

I feel very shaky this morning. I think my husband is dragging his heels on the divorce paperwork. This means I may have to hire a lawyer again to file for divorce myself, but I really don’t have the money. I’m pissed that his lawyer hasn’t gotten back to me and over the fact that my husband is playing innocent as though he has nothing to do with it.

So I let loose on him, and all my anger that I haven’t expressed to him over the last two months came out. I feel out of control and I don’t like that.

I wish I could just gray rock him but it’s too hard for me. I react and I react strongly. My anger towards him is deep.

Yesterday was a bad day. Being alone during this time is very tough.

It’s Spring and the weather isn’t showing it - it’s been windy and cold. I want to be outside again, doing my favorite outdoor activities like roller blading or kayaking.

I did manage to see a concert Friday night and some friends on Saturday. I hung out at my friends’ home sat afternoon, but I wasn’t myself. I’m still not fully recovered mental health-wise. I’m still shaky and uncertain of myself. I made an off colored comment to my friends and I felt like total crap about it the whole day on Sunday. It wasn’t like me to say something like that and I felt really badly. I tried to apologize to my friend on Sunday and she didn’t reply.

I need friends and trying to reconnect with friends after several years of being away is a little hard while going through a divorce. These aren’t my closest friends - they’re party friends I’ve spent time with over many years hanging out and partying at their beach home during the summers. She did say she would go kayaking with me in June. I hope she still wants to, after my off colored comment.

Abuse takes a toll. I am not my normal happy upbeat self. I’m drained, insecure, ungrounded and wobbly. I need to get myself back again and I’m impatient about it though I realize it’s going to take time.

I’m holding in all my anger with very few outlets.

I’m feeling sorry for myself. I don’t want to sit and wallow in self pity. I want to feel and be more positive that life will turn around, that I will find a healthy love, that new friendships will form and that I will live a full and healthier life and be happy again. Right now I don’t feel that way. I’m going to try.

It takes time. Any change does. But you had several issues all at once. So it’s understandable you aren’t fully yourself.

We have a ton of meetups here, I bet bunch in where you at. There are many outdoors ones, kayaking, hiking and what not. As well as other social groups. I’ve met some good friends in a meetup group. Sometimes you might just need new friends. They are reopening activities now. I know it’s tough with covid but more and more people of my age and in my circles are vaccinated so we feel safe to resume some activities. Especially outdoors.