Will having another baby fix us?

My husband brought the subject of having more children. He suggested that we have another baby because we're becoming hopeless in our marriage. He claims the best parts of our marriage was right after we had our children and during my pregnancies I was very loving. I agreed with him, but in my mind it just seemed at that point in our relationship it just so happens the kids came along as well. We were happier during those times and loved each other...or so we thought.

I haven't shot down his suggestion completely yet.

But to be honest it's the last thing I want right now, with my eldest turning four this up coming month and full time college.

Our marriage has reached a point where we can both quietly agree that it is empty and loveless and by far for functional purposes. A sad marriage.

**warning: what follows is totally IMHO and nothing more!!**
quite simply, no- having another baby will not 'fix you'. As you said "in my mind it just seemed at that point in our relationship it just so happens the kids came along as well. We were happier during those times and loved each other...or so we thought". Often having a child can increase the pressure of a relationship, and do you really want to bring a child into a relationship that you say is empty and loveless? You also said that you do not want another child right now. Is there anything else you can do to help bring the loving feelings back into your marriage? Is there someone who can look after the children 1x a week so that you and he can have a special date together- a child-free night with a nice romantic meal and some quality time together. That could be a start, and maybe find ways to build on the relationship from there???
Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.

youOme, I hear a lot of sadness in your post.

Please don't have another baby right now. (How many children do you have?)

A baby won't fix your marriage. There will be more stress and less time for yourselves and each other. And less time to spend on your studies in college.

Please find a good marriage counselor and work on your marriage if you want to stay together. It sounds like you are both wistful for better times in earlier days. This seems like a good thing, that you would both like to recapture the positive about your relationship from before. Good! And sounds like both of you are on the same page. Good! I think it sounds like there is a lot of potential for marriage counseling to help.

You are in college fulltime to get a degree? Great! Stick with it and get that diploma.

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youOme: We were happier during those times and loved each other...or so we thought.

Between you and your husband you have young children, college/work, and a home to care for. All that takes time, to the extent that there's none left over for each other. The love that you once felt for each other is probably still there, it's just been neglected.

I suggest you review some of the material at the following site to see if it might be more effective at bringing the love back into your marriage than a baby would.
[*] Marriage Builders

having another baby never saves a marriage. we all go thru periods where we feel it is loveless. I have been there for the last several years and now hubby and I are both working on it really hard. I will share this with you.

I thought really I was not in love with my husband anymore. til yesterday. something happened with him at work and I sat in church so worried about him I could not stand it. when I got home he was here. it was then I realized just how much I really do love him. last night we shared and it was awesome! I can't have children anymore. sometimes it takes a near tragedy to refind that love.
please don't have another child for the wrong reason. maybe get some counseling together.

My own opinion - having another baby right now is not a good idea.

If you aren't already going, find a good therapist, maybe also go to a therapist as a couple too.

I think only stuff from inside your relationship can fix you, not outside it like another child.

My husband just said to me as he was walking by, "This is nice." I asked what was and he explained, "living by the water, being retired and not having to go to work, reading the morning paper on my laptop. . ." in the sweats he sleeps in. Then he went upstairs to get dressed. That's our day, sharing how we're feeling, what we're doing, telling each other little stories about what we're learning or reading or, if we go out, what happens to us, what we "find", laughing together. It was similar when we were each working only we had slightly more "exciting" stories to tell each other because of our different days at work.

I think you all have to connect with each other in small, basic ways and I would think an additional child would make that harder to do?

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sujunew said:
quite simply, no- having another baby will not 'fix you'.

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having a baby is usually brcause both ppl love, respect each other sooooo much they want to share and create a new life, what happens if you have another baby and ya get into a fight (not saying this will happen ) and one says in anger in front of child, we only had this baby to be happy, child sees anger , feels responsible for fight
check out counsiling , please

Des, it seems to me you keep looking for outside influences to make your marriage a happy, better one. It would be best if you worked on your relationship with your husband to find that fulfillment rather than bringing in things from the outside. It only clouds the issues. A baby doesn't stay a baby for very long. Kids grow up. They are an added responsibility that only takes time away from the time spent with your spouse. It's time that you need for working on the relationship.

When your kids grow up and leave home, all you'll have is your spouse. Best get to work making that a strong relationship so that you won't be strangers when the kids are gone. Don't expect a pregnancy to make you more loving. ACT that way NOW. It goes for hubby, too.

youOme,

No matter what a marriage turns out to be, the best thing about it was the children that it produced.

However, a baby only adds more stress to your lives. It will not make you love one another again. Why would you even entertain the notion when you say that you don't want another child right now.

If you're both aware that your marriage is "empty and loveless" then see a councelor. Work on your marriage or work on moving on with your lives. If babies could fix marriages, then the divorce rate wouldn't be 50% these days.

Please be aware that I do not give the advice to move on lightly. It is soley based upon previous threads of physcial and verbal abuse. It is my opinion that people give up on their marriages entirely too easy these days. But abuse negates further work and your own well-being and that of your children must come first.

Des,

Having another child will only put more strain on your relationship with your husband.

Wishing you the best,

EJ

I'm in complete agreement with nothemomma - putting a child into the position of being the end all do all for your marriage issues is not the way to go. That child would be doomed from the start with guilt should he/she find out they were soley brought upon this earth to fix your marriage. Wouldn't that be a horrible thing to place on a child??

I do so hope you reconsider this idea. There are plenty of other ways to fix your marriage (one way or another) without putting the weight onto a baby.


sabby

Another thought... after reading Sabby's wise opinion... isn't your hubby putting this on YOU? How about him taking the initiative and ACTING/BEHAVING like he did when you were pregnant? You could do the same thing without adding more stress to the relationship and putting a new child in that position.

Hon, your hubby is a bit older than you are. Why is he thinking so "teenage" like? Maybe you really do need to get some counseling? That kind of thinking is quite immature, IMMHO. I'm sorry. I don't mean to insult him or you, but...

What an incredible burden to put on a child - to be the "savior" of your marriage. Please don't do this.

Many people. . .many, many people believe that children complete a family. Children are wonderful assets to a family, but they are not the completion. When God created man, He said it wasn't good for him to be alone, so He created him a helpmate, and then He DID say, "This is good." Period. End of sentence. Not good if they have kids. Not good if they're parents. We are meant to be good with one another, and then maybe, we should try kids. Kids are not what makes you good together. You guys need to learn to be for each other, before you worry about "being" for kids.

I'll tell you something that I have learned in my long marriage, and with my kids. Our children became much more happier, and more secure with us when my DH and I began to put one another first. Not the kids, but each other. When he comes home and I'm already home, he comes straight to me. Daddy's home is definately a time for celebration, but they have to learn that Mommy is the light of Daddy's life. . .and they run a close second. It's the same with me. . .he is the light of my life. . .the kids come next. They are not first. . .and they are not what makes us good together. We are good together b/c we love one another, and b/c we work at that love. It doesn't just happen, and no matter what your husband thinks, it won't happen simply b/c you get pregnant, stay pregnant, or have umpteen children.

Please seek some guidance; a counselor, a pastor, someone your husband trusts and respects. Having a child to "fix" your marriage is going to create a lot of resentment when your marriage comes undone.

excellent posting! I totally and completely agree! spouses should come first!

there needs to be not just a icon but a GREAT POST one!!

well expressed Gracey and shows you and DH have done your work, alone and together, to be at that level of understanding.

yOm--please listen to the voices of experience shared here as these folks know of what they write. a child is innocence.....not the key to a relationship between the creators of such beautiful innocence.

please find ways to work on whatever issues the two of you face instead of dreaming a kid will fix things. that's not a dream to pin your hopes on.

If a friend came to me asking the same question I think I wold strongly object too. I think the two babies I have now are plenty enough to keep both him and I occupied. Honestly the thought of an infant around here scares me with the type of hectic life we have now. My husband is reaching out to me in his own way and for some reason I have ignored his cries.

I'm resentful for the harmful things he had put me through, I'm having a difficult time forgiving and forgetting.

We DO need help, but my hope is running dry and I think he's beginning to feel the same hoplessness.

I will not get pregnant irresponsibiliby, I am protected. It was an under lying message....I'm beginning to realize this.

(((all)))

Have you considering counseling? For both of you? For him separately? Are you in counseling somewhere?

I wish we could get counseling and we would if we could. We both uninsured. The only type of counseling we could get is self help, maybe reading books and considering all suggestions.

hon most counties have a sliding scale at the local mh dept. try there

Actually, you CAN get counseling through community mental health, local churches, local county services, etc. They charge very low fees. Additionally, I notice you're a college student - most colleges have counseling centers as well. Your husband many have an Employee Assistance Program too - they also provide counseling.

What it comes down to is this - if you want it, if you want the help, you'll find a way to get it. If you don't, you won't.

Consider - what a person might spend "partying" on a Friday night is equal to one hour on the couch. Just a thought.

I go to Southern Illinois and they offer counseling for all different areas, including couples, for $6 a sessin.

Also, my brother's insurance ran out once he graduated college. So he called around, explained that he didn't have insurance, and a psych. offered to do each session for way less than normal.

They want to help you. Its not like theyre going to try and screw you over. (usually).

I agree with Gracey. Figure out something that is an extra $50 that you spend every week or every other week, like going out to dinner etc... Stop doing that so you can afford counseling. I also agree that, if you don't honestly want to try, youre going to keep making excuses. If you really wanted to, you would be willing to do whatever it takes. And if youre not willing to cut out something simple to save your marriage, then its probably not saveable anyways.