I let him back in and now I am kicking myself #2

Ilgrouphug: I’m sorry to hear that

Have Hope deserves a lot better than *him*

Thank you @Buffy01 and @willowtigger.

A part of going "no contact" with a narc includes not looking at their social media. I have blocked him on my personal facebook account. I have a separate facebook account for my abuse forums that I created secretly while still with my husband. I didn't want him seeing that I belonged to these groups and wanted to keep my activity private. So I created a fictitious account. I can block him there too, but I admit I have peaked at his profile more than a couple times. I. need to stop and stop being tempted. I cannot care about what he is up to.

I guess a part of me is afraid of seeing him with another woman - which will happen at some point in time. I am not prepared for this. A part of me feels like he belongs to ME. And I know this is irrational and unfair of me - I know this already and am fully aware of the contradiction. I cannot help how I feel though - I cannot help my emotional state. And I know it's going to be hard to see him move on. I am used to his attention being on ME - I know I have to let go, & I am working on it, slowly. It's a process..... I am just not ready yet. A first step will be to block him on my other facebook acct so that I am not tempted to continue looking.

I slept with that man again last night too - the one I've already slept with once. I didn't consciously intend upon it, it just sort of happened. We went to a concert and came back to my place afterwards. It does help me to separate from my husband more, but there's a slight twinge of guilt - like I am cheating on him. But I'm not cheating. We're officially filed for divorce now, so I don't truly view it as cheating but it kind of feels that way nonetheless.

I have mixed emotions. I think his love bombing and his emotional outpours as of late got to me a bit. I WISH I could believe in him. I WISH I could trust him. I WISH he was different than he really is. I have to stick to my plans no matter how I feel and no matter what my emotions tell me. Emotions lie and can fool us. I have to listen to my head and my logical brain.

So that's where I am at. I am a total mess.

Please help me not to weaken under his love bombing! I am very vulnerable right now and I realize this 100%. I feel weakened by my position in life.

UGH!

Get busy.

Idle time is a sure way to hook up with wrong people and going back to exes. Be actively busy with job search. Be busy with other people and other groups. No not bars you could run into your ex. Other places. Go see your mom. Go volunteer. Every time I went for a wrong dude was when I had too much time doing nothing. Don’t have time to entertain thoughts about ex.

How is he love bombing? Why isn’t he blocked?

Now we can only say what we think. We can’t stop you from going back to him but you’ll be breaking up again a year from now in the same boat. Or maybe 5 years. Or 10. You want to go through this in your 60s? 70s? It’s not going to be happily ever after. Just too much drama. It’s not healthy to keep breaking up and divorcing and going back. The fact that it’s even happening should be a sign. It’s just no good. If it was good, you’d not be divorcing

Thank you! Your last paragraph is precisely what I needed to hear right now. I just need these reminders and for that same message to be engrained in my brain!!!

He is blocked. His email is now filtered to trash. He hasn't written to me since yesterday, so I am referring to recent previous emails from him.

Block him from everything, then he cannot love bomb you

Our Have Hope deserves loves but can do a lot better than him

Well, I have blocked him and also told him to stop communicating with me. I said it's impacting my mental health. He hasn't reached out since.

His words are haunting me. His words of "maybe this wasn't the correct course of action".

Yesterday was a really really really bad day for me in regards to my marriage. I was missing him, lamenting on the good parts and all the good times. I think I must still be trauma bonded to him, because I wanted so badly to reach out to him. I wanted things to be OK between us again. This was my day yesterday - struggling with all these thoughts and emotions that are pulling me back towards my husband. Instead, I reached out to a girlfriend and asked her to help me to be strong.

And, I know it's mainly because I am facing yet another challenging time in my life. I want moral support.

But then, I know the real truth - and the real truth of the matter is that IF I did let him back into my life, he would be even more stressed about making ends meet financially, and he would put all of his own stress on me again. I can barely manage my own stress right now. I don't need HIS stress on top of my stress. And that's what it's truly like living with him. I have to manage both our stress, and honestly, it's just too much for me to handle.

I know it was just a weak moment - or a weak day. That's all it is. I am remaining steadfast in my stance and I did not reach out to him, despite all my contrary emotions telling me to do so.

I have to be stronger than ever before. This circumstance in my life is forcing me to reach a new height in inner strength. It is HARD, I can tell you that. I am struggling for certain, and with each day that passes, it seems to be getting harder, not easier.

I wish I could just take a pill that would make me forget all about him.

even my girl cat Willow is sending Have Hope a

Thank you!

I realize what's happening. I am watching more YouTube videos about the narc's hoovering. And he IS hoovering me.

I have to resist this maneuver. It's all about maintaining power and control over me and nothing more. His pride is hurt, & he wants me back only so he can have control over me again. It's NOT about love - it never was. He doesn't love me and never truly did. It's all about control over me.

I have to hammer this into my head. He uses words of love to hook me, but it's not real.

I have an interview tomorrow yet am too zapped of energy to prep. I’m completely drained.

Your

Your very welcome

Ugh, I am in the perfect storm. I don't understand why God has placed me yet again in the same position I was in just 2 years ago, when I weakened and went back to my husband. In 2020, I was also laid off & unemployed, seeking work and separated from my husband. I went back to him after a mental health episode that landed me in the hospital.

And now, I am right back in the same exact position, two years later - laid off, unemployed, separated from my husband and feeling weakened. I have realized that a few of my local friends are zapping me of my energy, and therefore, I need to distance myself from them now, which only just reinforces my aloneness in my struggles.

Why is this happening YET AGAIN?

I feel like it's the universe setting me up to weaken again and return to my husband for support. OR, the universe is setting me up to be stronger than I've ever had to be before.

maybe the lesson is to become stronger on your own?

This would make sense!!!

if you keep going back to the mouldy old fart, he'll just keep hurting you

(hope your okay with him getting called a mouldy old fart, your not a fart or old, or mouldy)

Whatever you want to call him is fine.

I know I cannot go back to him - no way.

It does seem like you are getting a second chance to make a different choice. Perhaps you are being given a chance to grow and be stronger.

I think this is the universe telling you to create the life you really want for yourself as if you've been trapped in the job, relationships and home that no longer fit you.

Weren't you thinking about moving out of state? Maybe your job search is supposed to lead you to a new state, new job, new home, new people, etc.

Perhaps I am being given a second chance to make the wiser decision.

I decided to not move out of state. I don’t want to change apartments either. But yes I need and require a different job, and I could use some new friends.

My husband is now e-mailing about freaking taxes. He thinks I would want to file together. NO THANK YOU. Separate filing please.

It is quite possible

I agree