I let him back in and now I am kicking myself #2

Your welcome

This morning he brought up the fact that I turned my back on him when his mother died. I told him this over the weekend, and I told him WHY - because he had treated me like crap for over a month in Aug/Sept. So he brings it up today, coupled with how HE himself has NEVER turned his back on me during any of my troubled times.

So he's trying to instill guilt and make me the bad guy once again. I wasn't having it and told him I am not going to discuss it any further. And I had sent flowers and I did call him the moment I learned his mother had died! What did he expect, after treating me like crap for an entire month???? That I am just going to lie down and take his abuse, support him endlessly at my own expense?????

What an a-hole. This really angered me, all over again. Making himself out to be the victim, and me, the bad guy. I stood up for myself and said he treated me like crap on and off throughout the entire marriage and over the last 5 years! And now he wants to crucify me because I turned my back on him, after the last straw?????

Go to hell you a-hole. I am so done with you.

Sound like it.

exactly, I want to adopt more cats and get a dog as well but know I cannot have more than two cats at a time, i'm agreeing completely with what you say, divine

i'm guessing a condo is a house?

He can go direct to hell don't pass go or collect £200 i agree, Hope

I agree with willowtigger, who has the best way of putting things!

Thank you.

You know what else? I had written a letter to him back in August, meant for our couples therapy session. Yet he read it before we went to our session. My letter spelled out to him all the fights he was instigating with me, how awful it was to. be on the receiving end of it all the time, and how it needed to just STOP. What does he do after reading it? He fought with me the very next weekend!!!!! AGAIN!!!!!! AND NOW HE CLAIMS THAT HE WAS TOO STUBBORN TO ABSORB MY MESSAGE. That, in fact, he couldn't hear it at the time, because he didn't want to believe it about himself. Then, he fought with me over this for the first 2 months of our separation, downplaying all that fighting and making is seem like I should just forgive him because he "wasn't himself".

And NOW, 4 months later, he's trying to claim he suddenly gets it????

I am so tired of his excuses!!!!!!!! I told him this weekend, that what mattered to ME, was his response to my letter. And he completely ignored my words, my feelings and my warnings. So be it. Ignore it and this is what you get: divorce.

Typically condo is cooperatively owned property. Could be a townhome, a flat or stand alone building. You own your home and co-own the rest of the territory like a yard or a drive way etc You pay a fee for condo management maintain your yard and pavement. House is solely owned by you including the land. Condo is partially owned by you and partially shared ownership

It sounds like he's picking a fight with a topic he knows you'll defend yourself against. He's trying to keep you engaged. You're busy trying to prove him wrong and he's really only interested that you are talking to him at all. This is a good chance to stop being his supply. You don't need to prove him wrong, you already know he is.

I have been in your shoes. You can can choose to be right OR happy. Choosing to be right and proving him wrong isn't going to bring happiness. After all, aren't you mostly just angry now? Choose happy and don't supply his ego. You'll feel better knowing you are stronger than his manipulative tactics.

You deserve to be happy.

^^^^^^THIS!!

Disengage. When you keep trying to prove you are right, you are just giving him attention. You have no need to continue to speak with him. It will only keep the drama going and keep you highly focused on him which is exactly what he wants. You have nothing to prove to him, and he’s never going to admit wrong doing.

Disengage. Set that boundary. You don’t have to discuss it with him. Just know YOUR limits and hold to them.

I agree with what you're both saying. We're not arguing now, but we were a bit yesterday morning, and I got angry. He was trying to make me feel bad and guilty for turning my back on him when his mother died. I called him out on this, and told him it's a guilt trip, when the reason for it was because he was treating me like crap. Then I disengaged.

AND... he COULD have given me $1000 for the chair I bought him. He had offered to pay half my rent, which is $900 IF I dated him again. So that means he CAN afford to give me $1000 that I asked for to pay for half the chair. He's a liar. But we already knew this. And, he is spending money on drugs, I found out.

I do deserve happiness and peace of mind. It gives me greater peace of mind to not be in touch again.

On another note, I backed out of an interview process with a company, and am feeling slightly guilty because I am not really in a position to be picky and choosey. But there were many red flags with this company already after just 1 interview, that I backed out. Now I am questioning myself and had to write down each red flag to justify backing out. I think it was a good move, despite my being in a desperate position for a job. The LAST thing I want or need is to be miserable in the very next job.

He’s been always spending money on drugs. That’s why he’s broke.

I’d probably go through interviews anyways just for practice. But don’t feel guilty if you aren’t up to it if you know it’s a bad fit

This company did not feel right.

My husband also mentioned, not only buying a condo and putting my name on it, but also that the condo would be far away from my entire support network. He mentioned moving to towns that are an hour or more away from my whole family. So not only would I be locked in with condo co-ownership, but I would be even MORE isolated than I am now. He wants to isolate me and lock me in. NO THANK YOU.

He could buy what he wants but without your involvement. Hopefully divorce is going through soon

Divorce court date is March 14th. So not too far away now.

Stop entertaining his delusional ideas. Discuss only absolutely necessary things until you are divorced, then cut him off, change your number. There is no reason to be friends with him.

No, there really is no point OR reason to be friends with him. I won't change my number, but I can block him again after the divorce.

I just saw him because we had to exchange a couple of belongings we each had left with each other. Next, it's a pair of earrings he bought me (that I will pay for) that he will need to drop off in a week or so.

Again, he begged and pleaded... crying. I had to be firm and tell him again that it's not going to work out.

Keep reinforcing your boundry. Yes, you'll have to do it 10, 20, or even 100 times, but if what you say and what you do are exactly the same firm boundry every time, your message will be crystal clear.
Think of it this way, the less you engage in any conversation, the less you'll have to say the exact same thing.
You're going to be ok. Be kind and patient with yourself.

Hey there it's your friend Samicat (Lauryn). I'm still getting used to the format of this forum but I found your thread. I'm so sorry... I didn't realize how lonely you are. You tend to sound upbeat (I do too even when I'm down) and i figured you had your indie music friends. Please, call me anytime. Unfortunately I'm up with insomnia tonight so I probably won't get up until 11AM my time but I would love to talk to you in the next few days. My weekend is clear.

Stay strong in keeping him out of your life as much as possible. You're almost there. But I do understand how hard it is when you've lost your job and don't have a lot of friends who live close by.

p.s. It made me angry that he is getting an inheritance but hasn't offered to pay you bad the FULL amount of the chair, with no strings attached. I may be wrong but it seems to me like you shouldered more of the expenses when the two of you were together, thus he should be paying the debt with his inheritance.

As you know, my husband Simon has a disability and I have supported him for years at a time. That's okay and I love him, but if we got divorced and he suddenly got an inheritance i would feel like he should pay at least half of any debt incurred while we were together. I mean it may not be worth trying to force the issue legally, but it might be worth pointing out if that debt you are carrying is partly or all his. But don't accept anything from him that has strings attached obviously.


You may want to try Meetup for things like sporting groups, board games, art or writing groups, bird watching or whatever interests you. I've had luck in my small town. At least it's a way to keep occupied and meet new people locally. Anyway, ,more later. Take care, my friend. You have a kind heart and you need to protect yourself.

Hey Samicat! Thanks for dropping in on my thread! And thanks so much... yes, let's talk in the next few days!

I agree and hadn't even thought of that, but he should pay me for the whole chair! I spent $8K on our wedding and honeymoon, something he never split with me or paid me for, although our arrangement was at the time that I would purchase our honeymoon and he would purchase our rings.

I don't think he's getting the inheritance money though for quite some time. It could be a year, so there's that.

Yes, I am pretty lonely. I decided to join meetups when I am more solid in my life, ie, when I have a job again. I don't feel like meeting new people and dumping all my problems on them about the divorce and my unemployment, ya know? And I know myself, and I know I likely would.

Alternatively, I could find a meetup support group for divorcees. I was thinking of maybe doing that. I could use a support group.

I think I was a lot more upbeat through this divorce process when I was still employed. Since I became unemployed, I've become a lot more lonely and am struggling a lot more.

I met a woman last night who wants to go skiing with me. We exchanged numbers. It may not happen, but I'd absolutely love it if we did go. I will message her at some point to follow up.

AND, a man I've met messaged me this morning on Facebook. We've known each other for maybe a month, and I see him out every week for live music. He's really nice... not that I am thinking of dating, NO.... it's just nice to meet new people, men and women. I am making new friends, and I like it.

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Good for you to put up a strong boundary