I let him back in and now I am kicking myself #2

Yeah, I can see the problem if he's not getting the inheritance for a while, but in my view he is morally obligated to pay you something towards all the joint expenses you covered that are now part of your debt. I would be furious to be stuck with a 10K debt knowing it was partly accrued by a spouse who is now getting to skip away from it and collect an inheritance.


You may wish to ask your lawyer about it. But it's not worth pursuing at the expense of your peace of mind, or if there are strings attached.


I'm not sure if I already suggested that you may want to take a less stressful job (such as the college one) even if it's less money. You might be able to find a cheaper place to live, for instance. I don't know if there are housing co-ops where you live. They are non-profit housing (not government) where you buy shares (usually 2-4K) and then pay a monthly housing charge well below market rent. We lived in one.


Anyway, remember this will pass and you will find a decent job and make friends and feel better. That's great about the acquaintance who wants to go skiing. I also think it's great you're being careful about males right now because I know how tempting it would be to jump into something when you're feeling lonely.

And also - being this is a new person (the skiing friend), meet at the skiing place and make it only a day trip. That way you can leave when you need to and you aren't roping yourself into a weekend ski trip.

I thought the same thing. When you don’t know someone, take it one step at a time. Don’t end up on out of town trip with a stranger who might be a pain. Like that one couple or maybe there was more than one. Be careful with new people

Agree. Keep it short, simple, inexpensive. Don’t jump into a trip with someone you don’t know. That’s just asking for problems. Get to know the person well (and not just virtually). Then, make more extensive plans.

The 10K debt I have is my own, unfortunately. I paid the 8K out of pocket and did not accrue debt over our honeymoon and wedding that I paid for. He could at least offer to pay for the chair, in knowing my current financial situation.

My apartment rent is actually cheaper than most 1-bedroom apartments in my area, and I don't wish to move any time soon. I could potentially have a roommate, but that is not appealing. The last roommate I had was a nightmare.

And I cannot flex on salary very much due to needing to afford my expenses and rent.

I am pretty stuck.

But yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will get a job at some point and this will all change for the better. Right now it just sucks.

I am being careful about new males in my life. So that's good at least.

That's a great point!!

He messaged me yesterday, after he fell down at work, injured himself and then went to the hospital/ER. They found no broken bones and nothing they could do to help, so they sent him home. He went to the chiropractor and had 3 ribs put back in place.

This guy is the MOST injury prone person I've ever known in my life!

Yet another reminder of what it's like being with him. The constant injuries and physical problems are enough alone to drive someone insane.

This morning, I've applied to a freelancing website/organization. Markethire - for hiring digital marketing professionals. They interview & heavily screen freelancers, but since I've gotten nowhere in my job search so far, I am now trying out new avenues.

A good reminder. What floored me is how bad his physical condition is and how much you were willing to accommodate him, yet he cheated on you and was abusive. You definitely dodged a bullet. It sounded like he was not financially responsible either. You always had savings before you met him. Give it time and you will recover in every way.

I was forced to accommodate him. It wasn't by choice. I wasn't a doormat either. After he cheated, I kicked him out of the home, we separated for 6 months, and almost divorced. I took him back because I was in yet another down position in life and felt I needed him. That's where I feel I messed up. I should not have taken him back that time. But, I did and I went through it all again, only to be back in a position of wanting a divorce.

I will recover and will rebound in time...

The one freelancing company turned me down, telling me they have enough freelancers in my industry. So, I found another freelancing site through a YouTube ad. You have to apply just like for a real job, giving example work, references and 2 interviews. Interesting. My 1st interview is not until March 12th, the week I get divorced.

I'm having a lot of anxiety.

I had an interview a week and a half ago, and I've received no word on my status. I emailed the recruiter on Wed to inquire about my status, and I got no reply? Am I being ghosted?!? Was my interview with the hiring manager that bad? I know I faltered in a couple of spots, but I made my points and talked about how I am a good fit for the role. I didn't think I did THAT poorly to warrant ghosting???? UGH!

And, I only have 1 real job lead right now, through a former colleague. He referred me to his hiring manager, telling me they are hiring for their Growth team, yet the hiring manager hasn't reached out to me even though he told my colleague that he would. I checked in with him this week as well, and he said he would ask the hiring manager.

Otherwise, I am only just receiving rejections on my applications. I haven't had an interview in a week and a half. Are people freezing hiring practices because they think a recession is looming????? We're not in a recession right now, I've read.

Anxiety is creeping up again.

I am also struggling with something else, I need help with this one, and I don't know how to change my thinking.

I am concerned about my ex's friends, the ones whom I texted screenshots of texts between my husband and I. I don't like the fact that I still care about what these people think of me. They think I am in the wrong, and naturally, defend my husband. He told me that they told him not to speak with me.

Why do I care what they think of me?

It's a false narrative that they have. They have one side to our story - his side - which is false and BS. He has told them many negative things about me, I am sure, and I even saw some texts that proved it. His friend had written to my ex at one point saying, "if only she would admit to her issues".

I hate the fact that his friends do not know the real truth about my husband and how he has behaved all behind closed doors. They think he's amazing and wonderful and a wonderful partner, because that's how he has portrayed himself to them. And he has portrayed ME as being the villain, the f'ed up one in the marriage and the problem.

It's just SO unfair.

And I am having fantasies about running into this couple, friends of his, and what I may say to them about it. I am fantasizing telling them that they only know ONE side to our story, and not my side. I want to tell them that if they knew what he was like in a romantic relationship and behind closed doors, that they would have a very different view on him and the whole picture of who he truly is. I want to tell them that he yelled at me for the 1st 2.5 years of marriage, that he has anger issues & treated me very poorly throughout, and that's why I had to leave him.

I wish I didn't care. But I know I will run into his friends at some point at a concert. I am trying to figure out what I may say to them, when I do?

My mother advises me to take the high road and not say a negative word about him.

Maybe it's also the shame and regret I feel over sending screenshots of our texts to his female friend. He tells me that she and her husband think I am in the wrong in several ways, and that HIS thinking is skewed about me, and they advise him not to speak with me. Him telling me this made me feel ashamed of having sent those messages to his friend, which was probably his intention!

If this is how he acts when trying to get you back, just imagine what he would do if you were to take him back!

You're right! He's trying to make me feel & think that I've made enemies with his best friends, while also trying to win me back!

Well what does it matter if they only know his side of the story? Even if you didn’t send those screenshots, as his friends it’s only expected they’d listen to him and wouldn’t be interested in hearing your side of the story. If my friend told me she’s divorcing her husband because he has issues, I’d not be concerned to investigate “the truth” or wanted to question her husband if that’s really true. He is their friend so naturally they support him. And he is not a little boy. Them telling him not to talk to you, is just what friends advise friends going through divorce.

And it’s normal that he and his friend were texting about you having issues. Don’t you do it with your friends when you have marital problems?

Like we on here support you because you are our friend, he is not. We don’t say let’s make sure her husband really is a jerk and let’s investigate. I am sure your friends support you and don’t demand to know details of what happened to make sure they should support you instead of him

The only time you should worry about how they view you if they are people who must be a huge part of your life. Here is an example when it matters. One of my nephews is married to my brother’s and sister in law’s best friend’s daughter. So they are best friends and in laws. Friends became family. It’s a bit weird situation. We all constantly in each other lives.

My brother and sister in law are married but it would be completely unacceptable for them to speak poorly of each other to friends/in laws. In laws would be in s bad shape if they had to take sides. The whole thing would be very detrimental to my nephew and his wife. And to their future kids as everyone would be a grandparent of the same kids! So friends thinking poorly of one of the spouses would be extremely detrimental to everyone involved when friends became family

In your situation… must you see these people? Hang out? Have them over? Visit them? No. So why do they need to know anything about your marriage or soon to be ex? They must know he’s a jerk, why? And they must know you are innocent, why?

You run into them at a bar? Who cares. You can run into anyone anywhere. Just walk right by. Or say “hello have a good evening” or “enjoy your meal and music”. Or just nod. Or have a casual talk if you must. Why should you say anything else? Or speak about him or your marriage? The last thing you should do is try talking about your marriage or him being a jerk. Why? They are his friends. And it won’t change.

So just try to let it go.

I care - I just do. I don't like people falsely judging me and pointing fingers at me when it's all him. It's the injustice of it all. The victim of abuse receives a total lack of justice, and it's absolutely infuriating when all others think he's SO GREAT, but only YOU know that he is NOT AT ALL and in fact, is quite abusive behind closed doors. If you've never been in an abusive long-term relationship or marriage, then you may never understand this feeling of injustice.

I understand justice and injustice very much. And I’ve been in all kind of situations and then some. This isn’t a situation where you could demand justice to be served. I mean you can demand but you won’t get it. You have to be realistic and not waste your energy on them.

Now if he spoke poorly of you to YOUR family and YOUR personal friends and YOUR work place, it would be a smear campaign and it would effected your life on many ways possible. In those cases you can even speak to a lawyer and have letter crafted that it must stop. He spoke poorly of you to HIS friends. And his friends are on his side. You are of no importance to them. As they should be of no importance to you

As unpleasant as it is, you cannot receive justice by trying to explain to them that he’s a jerk. You already tried. It won’t work

Where would they be pointing fingers at you and making false judgements? As long as it’s something they don’t do publicly and cause issues for you, their false judgement is their private opinions .

I mean I could tell you that you must demand justice. I could advise you to keep sending them texts and knock on their doors and approach them at events demanding they see the truth about their friend. But I won’t advise such a thing because that’s actually could be perceived as smear campaign (not saying that’s what you would do but that could be perceived as that) as it’s HIS friends.

The best revenge is living well. Focus on that. That would be the best justice. I know it sucks that they think this or that but that’s not something you can change or control so letting go and refocus is the only way

Why would they believe him point-blank? Dont they have minds of their own? If theirs are as drug-addled as his is, then why would you care what they think? If they are smart, then they just support him as impartially as possible.

We here tell you not to talk to him either!

I thought i was going to be friends with one of my ex's friends too. He told me in no uncertain terms that he was team ex. It was a letdown, but they had a history together i had to respect.

Theres a relatively new saying - what other people think (or say) about me is none of my business. You are creating an "injustice" out of nothing. They are not torturing you. You are doing it to yourself. Its just another outcome of choosing to be involved with an abuser. Yes, it reflects badly on you for having made that choice. It says you have bad boundaries. Its not slander if its true.

He point blank told me that his friends are against me. He wanted to hurt me.

I hear what you both are saying. But it hurts - even what you're saying hurts me @unaluna.

I have been hurt enough. I have been abused. What you don't understand is the EFFECT that abuse has on a person. It beats you down.

I don't need criticisms and harsh statements right now. I am fragile as it is.

Of course it hurts!!! I don’t think it’s all easy breezy!
Just giving you advice re what actions to take. Not telling you what to feel. Divorce and breaks hurt! There’s no criticism.

But honestly I do not want you to continue on this path of focusing on some irrelevant bozos. He clearly told you his friends are against you to hurt you. So he once again succeeded!

Who cares about his stupid friends??? He continues hurting you and making you feel vulnerable, desperate and helpless and when you feel like this, then again he won! He likes when you feel this way!

Next time he says my friends don’t like you respond: “who the f… cares about your stupid a…friends and who they like or don’t like???” Block him.

His friends live in your head rent free. Evict these bozos.

Thanks @divine1966. Agreed... I need to not let them occupy my thoughts. And it's out of my hands anyways.

Sorry, i dont mean to be hurtful. Boundaries is the hardest thing to learn. There are a couple of excellent books by Mary Kate or Mary Alice, some name like that, that take you step by step.

Ive been watching catfish stories on youtube, and i see it all over there - the scammers look for people who have bad boundaries. The victims OVERLOOK all kinds of red flags - horrible English, badly made documents - this tells the scammer he can easily cross the weak boundaries, the victim wont challenge him.

I had horrible boundaries because my family bullied me. I KNEW better, but i could not act in my own best interest.