I let him back in and now I am kicking myself #2

Yeah, you're right. I think it's good for us to part on better terms, if we can, since we WILL run into each other in our music circle and at music venues. It's best if it's not contentious & if we can at least be amicable and friendly with each other. I think. Previously, I didn't care, but now that I've seen him out and know how awkward and terrible it truly can be, it would be better if we can at least end amicably.

Please don't ever take him back though, Hope

It sounds like he doesn’t have too many interests outside of eating/drinking/smoking, shopping and maybe TV. Even with back problems he could probably have some interests that would be exciting. People could have interests and hobbies in a wheel chair. And it doesn’t sound like he encouraged you to form your own groups and do your own things. You had only him. Not healthy but that’s how he likes it

Ok, please don't give me crap about this. I cannot emphasize this enough. It's the last thing I need right now. I am going to write about this here, just to get it out and let it out. I also need advice/solutions.

I literally think I have gone a bit crazy. I am doing non sensical things, and I am losing my good judgement. I am making poor decisions, and I am well aware of it, so no one needs to tell me this.

I slept with him. We spent Sat afternoon together, since he had invited me to his place as an escape from my existence. It was too hard to resist, because I badly need an escape, and here he was, offering me a day away from my job problems and a day dedicated to pampering me. I needed it and wanted it, so I agreed. Long story short, we slept together and cuddled for several hours.

He knows that this doesn't necessarily mean we are getting back together. I already prefaced the day by saying that. I also expressed beforehand my wish to not sleep together. Then I did, because it was too tempting, and I had a couple cocktails. I am weak, I know!!!! He even had said "no strings attached" when he invited me.

I recall an old friend telling me that she calls this the "mercy f*uk". Like, after you've broken up, have attempted no contact, and then both of you cave because there's no on else, and you want it, so you do it, against your better judgement. That's what this felt like.

Now, I know the problem inherent in doing this. He is going to have false hopes. He believes I still love him, and he told me this. He thinks I am only just fighting against my true feelings.

I also know that this was selfish of me, given how he feels and given what he truly wants from me. I feel badly enough about it as it is. I know it was selfish and self-serving of me.

He bought me some things. He bought me a crystal at the store we went to. When we got back to his place, I realized I had lost a favorite handmade earring at the store, so he bought me a replacement pair online.

Again, I know I have been selfish and self serving. No one needs to tell me this. And I know I am being very contradictory.

I cannot tell you guys enough how truly difficult my circumstances have been on me. I have cracked. I cannot change what I've done, and I cannot go back and erase it. I have to just deal with it and figure it out as I go along. What's done is done.

And now, I have to tell him once again, that I do not want a relationship with him, regardless of what happened on Sat. He's texting me a lot, acting as though we are back together again.

This is where I need advice --- I have no idea how to approach this with him? How do I tell him this?

My mother belongs to a Unitarian church. I think I would want a Christian church, if I were to go. Shopping for a good church seems like shopping for a good therapist. And, I need a therapist, or my abuse advocate to talk to.

Be kind to yourself. Don’t give up on yourself. This is all normal feelings.

Try it out. You never know what will happen. You have nothing to lose in trying.

None of us know why He does what He does (if he exists). If we are to believe He made your husband's and your paths cross, His reasons for that are still unknown. Perhaps He wanted you to be alone, to find your true core and come to peace with it, and so He sent you an abusive husband to encourage you to stay clear of men. The point is that we don't know. Please stay safe Have Hope.

I will be, I won't give up on myself, and thanks.



I may? I don't know... I've got other fish to fry, but you're right, I have nothing to lose.

Maybe this was all meant to happen this way. Maybe I needed one final time after a long period of separation to reinforce my ultimate decision. And that's exactly what this did. I mean, we barely spoke in the car, while we drove long distances to different shops. We hadn't been together in 4 months, and the only things he could talk about with me are HIS feelings and what HE wants out of this. I tried telling him that I just wanted to be friends. He got silent and sullen, sulking... so then I had to try to cheer HIM up. The silence became deafening.... I cannot talk to him!!!! I clam up around him and am not my true self... I was not happy being with him in the car, riding in silence.

The whole experience was a good reminder for me, and solidified all of my feelings.

Your welcome. I thought you might need some positivity.

Sometime we just have to try out new different ideas.

I think it’s pointless to go into lengthy explanations. They never lead to anything and you can’t convince anyone of anything. “I am moving on with my life. I wish you the best”. Block him after that. This back and forth serves no purpose

PS now he is planning on getting a new place with mom’s money. This guy…

There could be a number of possibilities. Maybe it is a sign.

He's wanted to buy a condo for a long time and he is getting some inheritance money I guess.

Well he wanted to buy condo doesn’t mean he can or should. I want to have a private airplane.

People who are perpetually broke and have no savings should not buy property even if they got inheritance. It’s never a good idea. He needs to talk to a financial advisor. He doesn’t even have 1k in his bank account. He is buying property? How idiotic. And he thinks it’s a good idea to put both your names on ot. Then you sure will have hard time leaving!

And you’ll be the one paying for association fee, upkeep and other expenses because he’d be running out of money every month. Heck no. What’s he even thinking he thinks he buys it with mommy’s money and there will never be another expense? Little does he know

Please don’t ever consider it with this man

I am not considering it whatsoever. I would never live with him again. This weekend, I was reminded of what it's really like living with him. It's like living with a 70 or 80 year old invalid. It wasn't fun, & I really didn't have any fun. I am far too young and healthy to be that... immobilized. I would never even think of living with him again, let alone putting my name on a condo he bought. Would that really make it hard for me to leave again? I am just curious.

Of course it is much harder to leave when you own property together! You can’t just leave. You can’t just walk away from property. You have to sell and split proceeds (if there is any equity) or if one person wants to keep it, they have to refinance and buy you out.

Owning property is one the reasons why leaving marriage is often complicated and it’s a lengthy process

Of course if your name is not on it, you could just move out. It’s not your problem then but why would you not having your name on it if you are married

So that can take months, and he has me locked in even more! That's likely his thinking - make it harder for me to leave and walk away! Unbelievable.

His timing is interesting isn’t it. When you said you want to leave he says he wants to buy property together. Sneaky.

Sometimes it could take years. If it’s on the market but doesn’t sell