Controlling OCD Husband

Hello. Haven't been on a forum like this in a long long time. I would greatly appreciate any and all feedback that I can get...
I do have two great friends and family members who listen to me but I need more than that. I'm 42.
Been married to my husband for 3 years, second marriage, living together for 7. My first marriage was over 10 years. We do not have kids thankfully, my only son from my first marriage is now 19.
For the most part, our relationship has been good. From the beginning, I saw little signs of OCD behavior that I more then well adapted to 😁 Never questioned him, always helped him in what he wanted done which was cleaning certain parts of the house like the basement - vacuuming the ceiling with lights off using only a flashlight, vacuuming the basement floors and mopping. He knew I love to drink wine so we used to hang out together late at night and I would have a couple glasses and help him clean..

I have had a job as a professional housekeeper and I have mostly been a stay at home mom / wife and clean and cook real nice dinners and such.. I don't mind cleaning at all I take pride in how I clean and have gotten a lot of praise and recognition from my co workers and bosses at my job being a housekeeper.

My husband and I moved into a new house 4 years ago, move in ready and we were very excited - my husband is very close with his mom but around 4 years ago, she got her son too involved in things that she shouldn't have and she was the reason why we had to get a new home, she moved herself into his home that he already had before I came into the picture, so it was the three of us living together without real concent from him. So he just said that we're moving out and let her have to house to herself - the deed is split between them anyway.

Since we moved here. In our new home, that's when this became hard. Other outside stresses really pushed this as well... My sister, his lay-off and of course, the pandemic... All played into a factor here. I swear I have never cleaned my own home so much in my entire life, even growing up! Everything and I mean Everything has to be spotless! Not a single crumb anywhere and it has gotten so bad that I've become a lot more nervous and of course more accident prone because I'm so nervous.
My husband now stands over me literally when I'm trying to just get a frozen pizza in the oven, making sure that I don't leave a mess and literally if 2 tiny pieces of cheese fall anywhere, he's right there to clean the ENTIRE area of the kitchen with windex in hand and blocks me from the area where I was preparing our food then when he's done cleaning, I can put the pizza or whatever dinner in the oven. Like I said, I've cleaned really well my entire life and one of the things he loved about me which I knew. I've never slacked off or anything lol everyone that has been in our home tells me it's like straight out of a magazine! How clean it looks! 😁

My husband is and has been more of a home body, likes to work on his phones and computers way past the normal work hours every day, his average sleep is 3 hours a day until the weekend... 2 pm and still sleeping and he's been like this mostly his whole life.

In the past year, he's quit smoking, social drinking, quit pop, quit weed (8 years ago) lol but I like to drink wine, which he knew from day one, and I have always smoked cigs. Was able to smoke in the house but since moving here, I can only smoke outside and never complained about it.
I sadly have to say, I have been drinking a lot more especially during the day cause he's not home and that it was a lot more than I used to mainly cause I'm always nervous and want to be more relaxed. I also have more fun just being in the kitchen, listening to music on my phone, stuff he doesn't like, drinking wine and cooking then clean while dinners going while he's in his office. But of course, after a nice buzz and eating, he cleans over everything I did using the same methods I do while he talks my ear off and when I try to include myself in his conversation, he constantly talks louder over me until he is done talking, then when I want to put my own thoughts into what he's talking about he's over the subject and moves on. Lol not even arguing - it could be a story that he's told me a million times and I just let him talk, since I can't say anything even if I fully agree to what he's saying. 🙄

I'm not allowed to fry anything on the stove... All meats HAVE to be done on the oven to prevent grease on the walls and actually makes it easier since the back splash doesn't have to be scrubbed so I've adapted to how I cook, clean, smoke, but the drinking did get out of hand on my end which I cut down A LOT by the way on my own cause I'm sick of him lecturing me about it all the time. Not to mention that I've actually been getting MORE nervous while I drink cause I know he hates it. So what's the point right.? We don't have a grill either cause he doesn't want "clutter" on our super clean and lovely patio where I only hang out on during the summer.

I don't have a car, I don't even share his car, we go out together when he wants to leave the house or I will walk a short distance to the grocery store while he's at work, until he locked my credit card cause he doesn't want me to even attempt to buy wine.

I do everything around here except mowing the grass but I do leave blow, did our landscaping by myself, etc. He's very rude and doesn't say thank you he just constantly says "I need assistance!" and literally snaps his fingers at me... My own neighbors have seen it.

Bottom line is I really don't want theorpy because of HIS behavior - this is how he is now, no going back, he's also 42. I have tried to talk to him about it but he talks over me and points out my day drinking and that I'm not fun anymore 🤷🏼*♀️ so I just leave the room and I don't even bother. I've noticed with myself that I have a lot of nervousness and anxiety and no matter what I try to get myself out of those feelings, whether walking, working out at home, laying in the sun, I always feel the constant pressure of making sure everything is perfectly spotless when new gets home.

Hi @UpsetSpouse000 - welcome to MSF. I am sorry you are in a relationship where your husband expects you to be perfect. It must be a lot of strain on you. The part about locking your credit card sounds over the top beyond OCD, they seem to be aiming to control everything. How do you feel about that?

A stay at home wife can expect some form of allowance or monetary compensation for all their efforts. If he is keeping all the money and he controls everything including your credit card, where does that leave you? You sound happiest when he goes away for a day except there is the constant anxiety he may be displeased. I am not sure where to go, but you sound like you are always nervous anticipating his reaction.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

You have many years to live a happy life. Why waste it with this person? You don't need therapy. He does, but I'm sure he would refuse. Ask him to do that and tell him if he doesn't then you'll be ending the marriage. See what he does (not what he says). And he has to be the person to find and make appointments with the therapist, not you.

Maybe let your husband cook and clean if he doesn't like the way you do it. Sounds like he has too much free time anyway. And, BTW, I'm an OCD husband myself, but yours is Extreme. But I think the stress is bringing out the OCD. His life is going out-of-control, so he tightens control on whatever he can.

@UpsetSpouse000 welcome to My Support Forums. Question, do you have OCD?

The other thing that stands out in what you have shared is how you get through the day by self medicating. The nicotine is a drug that aids in frontal lobe concentration. However, it’s very short acting and in stressful situations starts to become needed more and more to pacify an unmet need.

The alcohol is used to self medicate to ease the discomfort of anxiety and to obtain a false good feeling of pleasure one gets from experiencing dopamine that the brain produces through actual growth and self assuredness.

In effect what you are doing is preventing your body from telling you something is causing you emotional discomfort and stress.

OCD is an obsessive need to control ones environment. It tends to exist on a spectrum from mild to extreme. When a person has this challenge it’s their responsibility to learn what it means and how to develop skills to manage it through self awareness and medication.

My ex abusive husband is OCD and it drove me insane. He was very controlling of me in every way. He even told me I was pouring my juice incorrectly!!!!

Living this way is no way to live. If it doesn't change, I'm afraid you will only just become more and more miserable under these circumstances. Your husband is far too controlling of you.. he shouldn't be standing over you while you try to cook, he shouldn't be creating all this pressure on you for the house to be spotless at all times, even while you're cooking, for goodness sakes. And taking your credit card away? Very controlling.

Can you confront him and do you feel comfortable bringing up to him the fact that he's being controlling of you? That's my first piece of advice, is to try and talk with him about it directly and see if he's willing to accommodate your wishes and make some important changes. I would let him know that he's making you anxious and nervous all the time, which is what contributes to wanting to drink during the day to calm your nerves. He needs to back off and get his OCD under greater control.

If you don't feel you can approach and reason with him, then I would suggest a neutral third party, or a couples therapist. If he's not willing to see a therapist, then that will tell you a lot about his willingness to work with you on the marriage. IF he's willing to see a therapist, then you may have a chance.

And, if he's not willing to see a therapist or talk with you reasonably about it, then I would say your only other option is to consider leaving him. Otherwise, it will just continue and you will continue to be miserable. Life is far too short to be miserable in your marriage.

That man is like your jailer - excessive control of you and, really, he blocks your credit card so you can't buy wine?? Financial abuse too. You are a prisoner in your own home.

You don't need therapy, *he* does. If he won't change, you need to decide how much longer you can put up with such a controlling man. Because this is going to be your life with him - unable to do anything you want and/or enjoy and you'll be his puppet.

What is the point of being in a dictatorship like that? Because it most certainly is not a relationship.

I agree that the relationship is unhealthy, however your self medicating with alcohol is behind your poor decision making.

My husband has been sober for over 32 years and he has tried to help and support others in their effort to also live a sober life. Sadly over the years many have chosen to continue drinking and in each case it was their own undoing on many levels including suffering organ failure many only in their 50’s.

Also, many make very poor relationship choices and protecting their desire to keep drinking choose to blame every relationship failure on the other person. Then they return to clubs and bars and casinos only to once again choose the wrong partner always missing the clear red flags.

You cannot fix this toxic controlling partner. Instead focus on yourself and stop abusing alcohol.