Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

I did come across a couple of red flags in Jay. He told me while making a bonfire that sometimes he's not the nicest person. I did experience this a little bit way back when on our car ride to NH and took note of it. He had made a couple of jokes, but at my expense, which could have been interpreted as hurtful. He asked me the other night if I had seen this in him, and I said no... his comment took me by surprise and I had forgotten about our car ride until just now. He also told me he has bad credit, and due to his prior marriage. I also want to find out what happened with that.

So, now I will be on the lookout for any additional comments that I find to be hurtful. And I will get to the bottom of his poor credit one day. Bad credit is not that huge of a deal for me and it's not necessarily a dealbreaker, as long as he doesn't go bankrupt like my ex did and expect me to pay for everything or put everything on my cards, if we became a committed couple.

Bad credit is an issue as it means many things are out of limit. Like purchasing a house for example or financing things. But all in itself bad credit could be repaired. I’d just expect someone with bad credit having a stable job trying to repair it. Lack of stability is off putting. Too old for this kind of life style

Well no one is nice all the time. But the fact that he tells you that is a bit unusual. Keep your eyes open

He seems to be doing fine with finding work for himself. He is part of a lake community and is doing property management work plus lawn care. If I go online I find square people. I’m not square. I’m very much a hippie. I do recreational things… finding my same type of person isn’t easily found except in my music community.

Square people? Lol I don’t know who are square people and what are you trying to say. I don’t think having a full time employment makes one “square” person. Having a profession doesn’t make one square or boring or what not. Just makes people being able to afford more and less dependent on others. You can be very unique and still have a career. Not saying he needs to be a lawyer. Plumbing snd carpeting are great professions (just an example).

Not sure what you mean by going online. You can meet great people everywhere. Don’t need to be online. In fact there are ton of horrid people lurking online.

If you like the guy, it’s all that matters, it’s all good. Nothing wrong with music community. It doesn’t prevent people from having a stable job! You expressed concern about bad credit and money issue was a problem in your marriage and previous relationships, so I suggest you keep your eyes peeled.

But if it’s all good and if you are happy with him, then I am happy for you.

I am happy with him so far. Yes, this were concerns in previous relationships. I am keeping my eyes open.

All I was trying to say is that it’s hard to find someone compatible, online or otherwise.

It’s hard. I think having clear deal breakers is important. If something isn’t a deal breaker, then you can compromise.

Yes clear dealbreakers are necessary. And I do have them.

Jay is definitely moving very slowly, and at times it's been frustrating for me. I am used the way my ex would text me - he would respond fairly quickly to me, and we would text/communicate frequently. With Jay, it's much slower, more spread out and far less communication than I am used to. I need to adjust and be patient... my ex moved way too fast, so I know that slowing down is far healthier and more natural. But this is very slow with Jay, exceptionally slow I feel, so I am trying not to be frustrated.

How often does he contact you between the dates? Is it at least daily? I’d pay attention to how he communicates with others. If he talks to his buddies all day but not you, then it’s a red flag but if he doesn’t talk to anyone much, then it’s just his personality. Not into calling or texting people much

Also it’s ok to bring it up. Some men aren’t sure how much is too much and don’t know if frequent communication would be bothersome to a woman. He also might be careful in regards to getting too serious since he’s not interested in commitment (cohabitation). I think it’s ok to discuss all that before you become frustrated in lack of whatever is lacking

We do text/communicate daily. I don't know how often he speaks to his buddies.. I have no clue. He did tell me he is a loner, so perhaps it is his personality?

I know he's deliberately taking things slowly. I didn't want to declare the other day that I am suddenly his "girlfriend", but it has been 2 months that we've been seeing each other on a weekly and regular basis, so I would prefer more communication, but I also don't want to push him beyond where he is comfortable, ya know?

I've been feeling like Jay has been holding me at arm's length and at a distance on purpose. I've been patient with taking things slowly, but lately I have felt like I am far more into him than he's into me because of the distancing. Last night we went to the Wed night show as usual, and he was distant from me all night. I ended up feeling hurt, and took off without saying anything and without saying goodbye. He wrote me a text as I was driving home, telling me that's probably not the best way forward. So I wrote him a text this morning asking if we could talk. I told him what's on my mind, and that the distancing last night hurt me so I left. A friend who knows we are dating even noticed it and mentioned it to me, telling me if it were him, he'd be all over me. Last night it felt more like we are just acquaintances -- he wasn't reciprocating any of my affectionate gestures. Also, last night his ex wife was texting him, so he became distracted by that.

Ugh. I hate this part of dating. The early phase of not knowing what's really going on and having to guess how the other person is feeling.

He says I am probably right, and that it's not me, but him, and that he will talk to me later... he is tending to his friend's dog kennel right now.

I want to have a heart to heart conversation with him. I want to know if he is closed off to a relationship developing and to real feelings developing between us.. if he's going to keep a wall up, that won't work for me and I don't want to get hurt. I'm not gonna drive 5 hours roundtrip to see him if he's not going to invest in this any further.

Yeah I wouldn't want to drive 5 hours for that either. He has to decide where his priorities lie. I can't stand it when someone is hot and cold. My husband hardly ever distances me like that and we've been together 26+ years.


In my view, the friend who said he'd be "all over you" if it was him- what a gross and inappropriate comment. He is hitting on you while he knows you are dating Jay. Also I hope he is single because that is cheating behaviour if he's in a relationship.

What a jerk.Saying to a woman “I’d be all over you” implies you’d be ok with it. It’s degrading. Like women just sit around and get excited with guys being all over them. Like you are powerless. It’s also not his business.

As about Jay. He seems to be close enough to you to have sex but not feeling close enough to show affection at the event, unless he is very affectionate in private the message he sends with his behavior is not a pleasant one. I hope todays conversation will provide clarity

Same as a previous poster, I’d not drive 5 hours to his house and then be ignored at events.

Also “taking it slow” means let’s not sleep together yet, let’s have a date once a week not every day, let’s not move in together and let’s not get married too soon. Or something like that

It doesn’t mean “let’s be cold and distant and go places acting like we don’t know each other”. It’s not taking it slow. It’s showing that “he is just not that into you”. I am not saying it’s the case. I am saying that’s how he behaves. And no one can try not to have feelings for someone. You either do or you don’t.

Cold and distant is unacceptable so time to explain what’s happening

The friend who said that is a bit of a scoundrel. He’s married and hits on other women at shows.

I’m trying to communicate with Jay, and he’s not communicating. He said at 8 this morning we would “talk soon” and by 4 pm I hadn’t heard anything from him. So I just wrote a text now telling him I think we’re on different pages in terms of what we want… that it seems he wants distance and space, and not a real relationship, and that I want a real relationship to develop. I feel or fear this is ending. I’m sad.

I agree with you. And he has been holding me at arm's length, not really allowing the relationship to develop further or evolve. He has been hot and cold, I feel, and I don't like it.

It is time to discuss it, but he's ignoring my texts right. now. I have a feeling he doesn't want to deal with any of it.

I point blank told him that I think I want more than he does, that he seems he wants distance and space, and I want a relationshiop to develop. No reply from him!

you are not seeing what is going on with him in real time. Something with his son maybe? You only see that you had an expectation last night (and today), and he didnt fill it. You didnt ask what was up?

No… I dove into the fact that I think we want different things.

He seemed like an emotionally unavailable partner right from the start. Didn’t you think so? He has no ties and commitments. He does these various odd jobs, and told you he wants to stay foot loose and fancy free.

Una made valid points. it’s likely his ex was texting about his son (what else? They’ve been divorced for awhile.) But the thing is this behavior is not new and unusual one time thing. That’s how he typically behaves. Plus why does she need to ask? He could volunteer the info that he needs to discuss his son or something else happening.

I think he showed repeatedly through words and actions that he wants to keep it light and casual. He might be a cool guy but not relationship material in many aspects including no stability. Somebody who wants serious relationships wouldn’t live his life style. Not at his age. Plus he verbatim told you he doesn’t want commitment. How much more direct could one be? He said it for a reason. He has no intentions to string anyone along.

I see no point in pursuing him.

Yeah, I guess so... I thought differently though at different points.

If he doesn't reply to me by the end of the night, I am ending it.

I hope he contacted you with good explanations?

He contacted me before 6 PM, saying he's "not there" in terms of a relationship, so I ended it. I didn't even want to get on the phone to talk about it. I only just texted about it and told him I will move on because he's given me his answer.

I am sorry, it’s no fun, but it’s good to know now other than a year from now. Now you could focus on the job search.

True - better to know now... I am still sad about it though. We had just had a great time at his place, and for the first time.