[newtus]

i am confused, right now.

what is a visual delusion?
or is this another way to say visual hallucination?

i am wondering because ive heard some say that
BUT, ive had things actually in front of me change, like my whole environment or more than half.
i have interacted with it, too, sometimes

is that a visual ______ (whatever) or?

also, i can sense people that i know in real life (in reality), it feels like they are really there when they arent physically with me, so i talk to them. i do not see them but i could swear they are there. i believe they are watching me. i cant see them but they see me.

comparable to if i was locked in a room and there was a camera in the corner. the person, may not be there and may not talk, but i KNOW they see me, I KNOW they are there and watching, listening, observing. you know?

i swear i know they are there, and i cannot do stuff, with them watching. like i know exactly who it is each time they come, because they are real. they are people that i know. i cant do a thing, even say, use the bathroom and they stay there for hours sometimes. its like i can also sense when they leave.

i think they also remember our conversation next time i see actually physically them, and if i dont bring up things i talked about, to them, they try to read my mind to get it out of me

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

what is a visual delusion?
or is this another way to say visual hallucination?

I've never heard of a visual delusion. When I googled it, I mostly got the lyrics to a song with that title. They must mean visual hallucination.

also, i can sense people that i know in real life (in reality), it feels like they are really there when they arent physically with me, so i talk to them. i do not see them but i could swear they are there. i believe they are watching me. i cant see them but they see me.

My son had all of these ideas. People he knows in real life being present - even when they weren't. People communicating by put thoughts in his head. Communicating with others by sending them telepathic messages. Before he started the Zyprexa, he seemed to really believe it all. But sometimes I wonder if he didn't completely believe it, because he never talked about it. Kind of like he knew that other people wouldn't believe it. Or maybe that other people would deny believing it.

After he started taking the Zyprexa, for several months he'd still have these experiences, but he'd talk to me about them. Almost like he wasn't sure about the experience, and he wanted to check with me. Then they went away. Or at least he stopped talking about them.

It makes it difficult to communicate effectively with someone when they're assuming that people communicate by transferring thoughts back and forth telepathically. If you say something to them, they may make it fit in with some previous "conversation" you had with them that you never really have. You think they understand you, and they think you understand them, but in fact you've completely missed each other.

Not being able to communicate is very isolating. For people in psychosis, that leaves them without other people to reality test with, so they risk being drawn deeper into an imaginary world.

It sounds like you may have some doubts as to the reality of these experiences. If you do, I really think you should exploit that doubt. That is a healthy sign, a bit of sanity that you shouldn't suppress.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by costello

he never talked about it. Kind of like he knew that other people wouldn't believe it. Or maybe that other people would deny believing it.

Pretty much the reason why I don't talk about it to others in person. I have a tendency to nervously laugh when I do talk about it (and other experiences) like with someone close or a therapist. They think i'm joking, and it makes me mad, especially when they laugh back.

So I have to establish that Im so nervous that I laugh.

I nervously laugh because I don't expect people to believe it. I've been in so many situations now where people don't believe me. Almost so much, that they tune me out or rarely talk to me. As of right now, this means family members.

My father works a lot and it's just me and him. My parents divorced. I don't know a single soul anymore that's my age. My father is so busy, some days I can't talk to him.

I dont know...
Long story short: I've been having these ...hm, i dont know, what are these? Senses? Perceptions?, since I was 9 years old. What if these people are there? My example of being in a locked room could be in a public place of any kind, and, well....people are there. They are there but you do not see them, but they know everything about you. If in one instance it is true, how can it not be in mine? I fear letting my guard down.

[mgran]

It could be partly caused by extreme lonliness and isolation causing it. ?

[newtus]

@mgran

I am not that lonely.
Most times I fear them being here. Sometimes I go and talk. Either way, if I dont talk to them, I fear it will be used against me. So that these people that I dont know can track me down easier.

[newtus]

Anyway.

I am trying very hard to protect myself from these people.
Face to face contact must be kept to an extreme minimum.

I feel like an animal.
I am the prey for which they seek vengeance
I told my therapist this, but she does not understand
i got very angry
i said:
"i dont pay you to patronize me, or give me advice, i pay you to listen to me"
she said:
"well you may not like what i have to say but you sound paranoid. the stuff you are saying, a lot of paranoid schizophrenics already have went through this. why do you suppose you have your diagnosis?"

i just keep thinking about that.
thinking: well, part of the predators out there are specific psychiatrists targeting me.

im not ruling out yet that she is a possible predator.

face to face contact is to be kept to a minimum.

any further reports on me are of my not following instruction.
my not obeying.

she probably has the most easiest job in this whole manhunt
spies.liars.organized crime.
she can look at my face
she can write down things and hide them from me
if she so wishes

what else can i say?

[newtus]

i am afraid she is going to bring the cops to our session next time i see her.

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

My father works a lot and it's just me and him. My parents divorced. I don't know a single soul anymore that's my age. My father is so busy, some days I can't talk to him.

Sorry you're getting isolated. This is something my son is consciously working on right now. He just has me. Well, he sees my mom a few times a week, but she's pretty impatient with him. And he sees his therapist weekly and his pdoc monthly. Every once in a while he calls one of my sisters. But mostly it's just me.

We've had a problematic relationship in the past, and when he's getting bad, the first thing he does is cut me off. So now he's working on not doing that. In fact when he starts feeling like he doesn't want to talk to me, he knows it's an early sign that he's slipping into unreality.

Anyway we're working on repairing our relationship in the hopes it will be healing for both of us. It's almost like we're doing a do-over for his teen years.

He's applying for a job that will be evenings Monday through Friday, so we'll hardly ever be home and awake at the same time. I'm a bit nervous about that, because I'm keeping him grounded right now.

Maybe you need someone to help you stay grounded too?

I dont know...
Long story short: I've been having these ...hm, i dont know, what are these? Senses? Perceptions?, since I was 9 years old. What if these people are there? My example of being in a locked room could be in a public place of any kind, and, well....people are there. They are there but you do not see them, but they know everything about you. If in one instance it is true, how can it not be in mine? I fear letting my guard down.

I think the feeling of being exposed and the need to be hypervigilant is common for people with a trauma history. I'm really sorry you don't feel safe.

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

I told my therapist this, but she does not understand
i got very angry
i said:
"i dont pay you to patronize me, or give me advice, i pay you to listen to me"
she said:
"well you may not like what i have to say but you sound paranoid. the stuff you are saying, a lot of paranoid schizophrenics already have went through this. why do you suppose you have your diagnosis?"

It must be frustrating to feel you're not being heard or understood. I think I would feel angry too.

Psychotherapy is like a complicated interpersonal dance. You have to feel each other on an emotional level. It sounds like you were missing each other on that day. That happens every once in a while in any relationship. It can be disconcerting. Hopefully not all of your sessions are like that one.

i just keep thinking about that.
thinking: well, part of the predators out there are specific psychiatrists targeting me.

I'm sorry you're feeling so scared.

face to face contact is to be kept to a minimum.

Is there no one you feel safe enough to have some face to face contact with?

any further reports on me are of my not following instruction.
my not obeying.

You feel like you'll get in trouble for being non-compliant?

she probably has the most easiest job in this whole manhunt

I doubt if it seems that way to her. She may be feeling scared too?

she can look at my face
she can write down things and hide them from me
if she so wishes

what else can i say?

You're feeling exposed in front of her and you feel like she has power over you? That would be really scary, especially if you weren't feeling trust toward the other person.

I adopted a teenaged boy some years ago, and we went through something like 12 therapists of various kinds in about 6 years. I've also had therapy with a couple of people myself. And my bio son is now in therapy, and I've attended some sessions with him. So I've seen a lot of therapists in action. Some were better than others. Some were actually unhelpful. But I can't remember a single one who seemed to have any malevolent intent. They all meant well.

I suspect people usually go into helping professions like therapy because they care about people and want to help. Probably that's true of your therapist too. She doesn't want to hurt you; she wants to help.

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

i am afraid she is going to bring the cops to our session next time i see her.

I hope not. It would surprise me if she did that. Has she done anything like that before?

[newtus]

@Costello

I suppose the only person to keep me grounded would be the therapist?

BUT. No, I fear face to face contact. It's mostly anxiety-ridden, but only because i'm not trying to get people to come after me. I have enough of that already. Enough people, I mean, that im trying to fend off at the moment.

And yes, I shouldnt get too many face-to-face-contact reports about me being in certain places of town, or the USA, or any where. ANY reports not preplanned by me, (because I cant stop the reports, because going to the therapist for example, I can stop most) are of my fault (i rarely have faults in this area, im good about staying inside where I cant be photographed, mic'd, etc because face-to-face-contact is the easiest and most legal way for them to report on me, therefore the easiest to get away with, until the end nears so i can be set free, but i may be fighting these people til i die). ANY unplanned reports goto my second hand man, Jesse, which he tabs these incidents for record-keeping. I'll get in trouble with him, he's like a bootcamp instructer in a way, military man. Kind of. Believe me i've tried to reality test his being real. But like i told someone once, who's to say he's not real?

AND, reason i say i hope she doesnt is because, when i had that convo with her, I got extremely aggressive. I could tell she was taken aback and she backed up a bit literally. I feel bad, i am not proud. Yea...she might be scared too :/

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

I suppose the only person to keep me grounded would be the therapist?

Is she helping with that?

Enough people, I mean, that im trying to fend off at the moment.

Who are you trying to fend off?

AND, reason i say i hope she doesnt is because, when i had that convo with her, I got extremely aggressive. I could tell she was taken aback and she backed up a bit literally. I feel bad, i am not proud. Yea...she might be scared too :/

What do you mean by aggressive? Shouting? Threatening? Physical contact?

When did this happen? If she were going to get the police involved, wouldn't she call them immediately?

[newtus]

im not sure when help is supposed to kick in, in a therapy session.

specifically, people in my town. i suppose i wont say where but them. local gvt agncies. branching out to the country.

i just got verbal and really close, to close for her comfort maybe. im thinking right now that your right she would had called maybe but i suppose since she flinched and backed up, will she mic or tape me? i mean without me knowing? theres a lot of plants in the room. its a very bare temporary space. i fear retaliation or perhaps blackmailing?

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

im not sure when help is supposed to kick in, in a therapy session.

I'll take that as a "not yet."

i just got verbal and really close, to close for her comfort maybe. im thinking right now that your right she would had called maybe but i suppose since she flinched and backed up, will she mic or tape me? i mean without me knowing? theres a lot of plants in the room. its a very bare temporary space. i fear retaliation or perhaps blackmailing?

I doubt she'll record you without your permission. And retaliation and blackmail seem unlikely. What good would it do to record you anyway? If she's not feeling safe, she'd want to do something to make herself safer. A recording of the session wouldn't do that, especially if you didn't know about the recording.

Maybe she'll make some kind of safety plan or contract with you? Or have someone else present? I don't know.

[newtus]

@Costello

:/ im so nervous. i just saw her last thursday and now i have to wait 2 weeks from then! i cant stop thinking about this. because what happened but...ah shoot...i was so on edge. rambling and rambling and then i goto into detail of when i planned to bring a firearm to school in 9th grade and how i understood the tucson shooter etc with my edge and agression on. it all happened so fast

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

:/ im so nervous. i just saw her last thursday and now i have to wait 2 weeks from then! i cant stop thinking about this. because what happened but...ah shoot...i was so on edge. rambling and rambling and then i goto into detail of when i planned to bring a firearm to school in 9th grade and how i understood the tucson shooter etc with my edge and agression on. it all happened so fast

I know it feels like you can't stop thinking about this, but you may have to try. If you can only distract yourself for a short while by watching a funny movie or reading a book, it will get you some relief from the pain and confusion you're experiencing now. I know that's easy to say and hard to do, but continuing to ruminate on this is like pouring gasoline on a bonfire. It'll build the fear and anxiety. And your brain reacts to fearful thoughts the same way it reacts to actual fearful events.

You don't have to wait two weeks to talk to her, you know. You can call and leave a message or send an email. If you're afraid you'll ramble, plan ahead what you're going to say. Just keep it short and to the point. Maybe say you're sorry you were so on edge during your last visit, it's been bothering you, and you've been ruminating about it. If you're worried that you've damaged your relationship with her, say that too. Plan what you'll say, keep it short, and take some calming breaths before you call.

Newtus, you sound really isolated to me. I know you're finding interaction with other people painful, but you need a wider support system. Why are you seeing your therapist only every other week? Is there any way you can see her more often? It seems like you need to see her at least once a week. Possible more often.

[newtus]

it just fell into place like that i suppose, every two weeks. i had started doing it every week but then we started doing every two weeks. i dont know why. no announcement was made. idk where it started going like that.

my time also keeps getting shifted. i hate it. i need to ask about that but...

...yea, isolation...
i realize to some degree that my extreme isolation (has been going on since i graduated High School, in 2008, when i was already shy and introverted to begin with) has made me a strict misanthropist along with a very edgy impatient persona. edgy as in somewhat agressive. though i dont like this persona. it only comes when im angry. (i dont have DID as im very aware of this. i try to calm down my anger but that has never worked) most times im really just anxious, skittish and neurotic. too be honest ive never had anger problems until about a year and a half ago. i suppose when i got off my meds? i have no idea but it gets worse every month.

um as far as people, i dont know if i realize how socially awkward i might be. until only about 2-3 months ago i had a couple of people tell me i walk weird and talk weird, look weird. now ive always been told that but i thought people were just being mean but i videotaped myself going about in my house and i was a bit taken aback only because i guess i could admit, i do walk funny, my posture is weird, and just everything they said.

i have no idea if it has to do with this disorder but ill admit...its pretty...heh weird. i suppose ive been doing this for years.

[costello]

I think you should see the therapist more often. Maybe a case manager would help as well? You need more contact with other people - nice people, not mean people who make you feel self-conscious by telling you you walk funny.

What is it that's making you so angry? The problem isn't feeling angry; it's expressing it appropriately. Maybe if you could express it properly, it wouldn't build up and overwhelm you. Then you have a blow up and afterward worry about the fall out.

I'm not sure what you mean by "personas." Does that have something to do with DID? Is there some reason to believe you have DID?

[newtus]

No, i meant, im aware of my anger. I do not think i have DID.

persona:
the aspect of someone's character that is presented to or perceived by others

yeaaa.

anyway...i just...i dont know about contact with people, period. i can ask my therapist about more time.

and i never really saw myself do anything. i rarely watch/see videos of me because i do not have myself or know anyone that has me on camera. perhaps when i was a young child, but thats a bit different. its very unnerving because i always thought i was like anyone on the street as far as normal gestures and going along non-verbally, but i've seen that it's not like that....its not like most people. that was a sucky awakening for me. now i realize what many people have been telling me most of my life.

that was what made think perhaps i have aspergers, at one point a month or two ago. those people made me look at myself but when i was a teenager people thought i was autistic/aspergers, though, i am not? by people i mean teachers hah, and then a few students, but most students just said i act extremely weird. my family used to and occasionally still does, question how i act. i should mention, those two people was a family member and a friend who i am not friends with anymore. though, anyway i was 15 when i was diagnosed with schizoaffective.

hm, and my anger is 99% towards people, 100% towards living things. im impatient and seem to find most everyone idiots. im insanely impulsive. lately ive been trying to take out my impulsive anger by jumping off high places like a roof, or a tall porch or whatever. kind of like parkour accept i hate parkour, and i just jump into some bushes from a shed roof and then go back and sit down at the computer. for example.

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

No, i meant, im aware of my anger. I do not think i have DID.

I was just wondering why you mentioned it.

persona:
the aspect of someone's character that is presented to or perceived by others

I know what persona means, I just don't get it in this context. You don't like the angry persona. To me a persona is something you choose, but apparently you're not choosing the anger. Or are you?

that was a sucky awakening for me. now i realize what many people have been telling me most of my life.

I think a lot of people think they look bad when they see themselves on video. And if you videotaped yourself to confirm the things others were saying, mightn't you have been self-conscious and that would have effected how you moved?

that was what made think perhaps i have aspergers, ... though, anyway i was 15 when i was diagnosed with schizoaffective.

Do you think it will be helpful if you find the right "label"? What does it mean to be weird anyway?

hm, and my anger is 99% towards people, 100% towards living things.

I didn't mean who are you angry at. I meant what are you angry about. Isn't that an important question to answer if you want to understand your anger? Sometimes angry people are angry for very, very good reasons. Sometimes angry people walk around with a head full of anger which they vent on all the wrong objects and for all the wrong reasons - which can make them look "crazy" and irrational. And sometimes angry people are really scared or depressed or whatever, but anger feels stronger and more energetic, so they transform other negative emotions to anger.

What is underlying your anger?

[newtus]

I mentioned DID because I had said persona's

I do not try to be angry. Maybe, yea, maybe its coming out because of years of holding it in, though i doubt it. It's more aggressive, impulsive anger. I've never been an aggressive person until a year and half ago. I've been somewhat impulsive in times in my life, but never with anger.

oh and haha, i forgot the camera was on after 5 min. i used up 30 min. so in no way it affected me in that way. i was doing something, turned it on, and went back to doing that something.

and yes, people. society and various individuals. i hate society. i think we can all say theres a lot to hate. i refuse to be one of most that lets things slide and just call it "life". so we are consciously living in depressed & suppressed nations to varying degrees? most people like to say "**** happens" and go on. i agree **** happens, but im not one to go on. a lot of times i tell people that i hate the state i live in or the nation because the mindset of the supposedly sane people. they say "well why dont you leave?" i ask "why me? why cant everyone else?" i realize that that's not going to happen so i think, im not going to leave im going to change this society.

thats exactly F'ing why i get loads of people trying to come after me. probably trying to murder me dead on the streets or make me homeless, or in this case call me a crazy nutjob cause i have half the set of balls (metaphorically) to stand up and try to save this nation. in the process becoming a world known, because i did. they want to try to stop me, but nothing im doing is illegal. whats illegal is that they are trying to get rid of ME, murder me, do away with me. im like the whistleblower for the people. i know of the evil secrets so im gonna call THEM out. THEM = these power hungry rulers/kings/pres.

they called moses a nutjob. they kill whistleblowers against power hungry corps/people. its just about me knowing, they know i know. but you see, you cant shoot the messenger. you really SHOULDN'T but this isnt the rules of society, it's the rules for the elite and power hungry. follow their rules and of course you'll have freedom. enough brainwashing on the majority and it will be considered freedom.

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

I mentioned DID because I had said persona's

I see. Well, to me a persona is a mask or personality you put on in given situations. It makes sense to me that someone as young as you are would be trying on different "personas" to see what works best for you and to learn something about yourself. I don't think you need to have a psychiatric dx for that.

I do not try to be angry. ...

I know something about anger, because I took an angry approach in most of my close relationships for many, many years. Specifically I was a yeller. Like you, I hated it. I felt ashamed and out of control. Like you, I didn't feel like I "chose" to be angry. I just had lots and lots of reasons to be angry. So I spent years thinking about anger and looking into the nature of my own anger. I can honestly say I have that behavior under control now. (And it was the behavior - the yelling - that was the problem, not the emotion, btw.) In retrospect I did choose that ineffective way of expressing my anger (and all the other "weaker" emotions like fear that I was covering with anger). I didn't consciously choose it. I learned it from my mom who was also a yeller. And, despite the high cost in damaged relationships and lowered self-esteem, I continued using it, because frankly it works in the short-term. People tend to give in if you turn red in the face and start screaming. That's very reinforcing.

i think we can all say theres a lot to hate.

There's a lot to like too. You may be missing some of the good stuff by focusing on the bad.

i refuse to be one of most that lets things slide and just call it "life".

Maybe your view point is only your opinion? It actually might give you some relief to try and see things from the other guy's point of view.

You may have noticed I'm pretty opinionated myself. I tend to strongly believe that I'm always right too. I force myself to try and understand the viewpoint of people who disagree with me. And I try to go deeper than some superficial explanation.

I think trying to see things from someone else's point of view might help you in several ways. For one thing, it might help you build some empathy for other people, and that will make it easier for you to interact with others and make some friends. Also, it might help you to take the focus off yourself. You seem to be intensely and negatively self-conscious. It's really uncomfortable to be around other people when you feel like you're being constantly scrutinized, judged, and found wanting. It's an old trick that shy people have been advised to use for years (at least until we decided that shyness was a disease requiring pharmacological intervention!) - stop thinking about yourself and focus on the other person. It helps relieve the painful self-consciousness, and it has the added bonus of making the other person like you a lot more. People enjoy it when another person shows genuine interest in them!

so we are consciously living in depressed & suppressed nations to ...

Yep. There's lots to complain about. You remind me of the skipper in a poem I liked to read when I was young:

"I hates to think of dyin'," says the skipper to the mate;
"Starvation, shipwrecks, heart disease I loathes to contemplate.
I hates to think of vanities and all the crimes they lead to,"
Then says the mate,
With looks sedate,
"Ye doesn't reely need to."

"It fills me breast with sorrer," says the skipper with a sigh,
"To conjer up the happy days what careless has slipped by;
I hates to contemplate the day I ups and left me Mary."
Then says the mate,
"Why contemplate,
If it ain't necessary?"

Read the rest here: http://irvingcrowley.com/poets.htm#skipper

The point is that you don't have to focus on all the crap. Going on with your life and finding some happiness inspite of the crap doesn't mean you agree or approve. It just means that the odds of your altering the entire universe to suit your own preferences are very low. Is that really what you want to throw your one life away on?

they say "well why dont you leave?" i ask "why me? why cant everyone else?"

Yeah, I hate that one too. I always want to say, "My folks came here from Ireland in the 1860's. When did you get here? Why should I be the one to leave?" The point is that no one has to leave if we can all grow up a little.

In fact, I've come to believe that learning to get along with and live alongside people who irritate us is the whole point. The people who challenge us the most are the ones we need to be around the most. They make us grow. We should be grateful for them.

Life isn't meant to be easy. It isn't one long love-fest. It's messy and painful and challenging.

i realize that that's not going to happen so i think, im not going to leave im going to change this society.

Good luck! My advice, if you want to change the world, start by focusing on changing yourself.

this isnt the rules of society, it's the rules for the elite and power hungry. follow their rules and of course you'll have freedom. enough brainwashing on the majority and it will be considered freedom.

Yeah, I feel discouraged by the way the world is going right now too. I doubt that self-destructing will help much though. On the contrary, I think it behooves each of us to work even harder on developing our own qualities of compassion, kindness, etc. That's the only hope for humanity.

P.S. You called yourself a misanthrope, but you actually seem like a sensitive and caring person who sees there's something wrong in the world and wants to change things for the better. Don't let that generous impulse degenerate into hate and anger. That will hurt you and help no one.

P.P.S. Try to give yourself some relief from the pain by focusing on beautiful or joyful thoughts occasionally. At least once a day.

[newtus]

Yeah, im too nice. I used to lack a backbone 100%. Im slowly shedding it. I snap a lot now. I hate getting angry to certain levels but if it grows me a backbone...

i dont know.

but this is something i must do.
i never used to hate people
but i learned to and the i wanted to then it came natural.

to be honest, i dont mind it mostly.
as long as i can still love the one person closest to me, my dad.

i must, i HAVE to do this.

there is no way this world is gonna see the truth.
and in the process of all this...
i will get be watched and i will be caught
i know this.
its just a matter of when & the timing.
everything has to be perfect.

i got caught by surprise a bit but...
i shouldve known
because now i have the S.Service watching me.


----------------------

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

Yeah, im too nice. I used to lack a backbone 100%. Im slowly shedding it. I snap a lot now. I hate getting angry to certain levels but if it grows me a backbone...

Yeah, when I was younger people were always telling me how "nice" I was. I hated it. I hated the word "nice." It's mushy and weak feeling. And they only thought I was nice because I was quiet, so they assumed niceness.

I don't see you as "nice." I see something deeper and more sensitive. It's a treasure, and I'd hate to see you twist it into something angry and hateful and ugly. And I think it's an utter tragedy of our times that a sensitive young woman is trying to answer the question "who am I?" by trying to figure out which psych label fits her best.

I've been re-reading Pema Chodron's The Places That Scare You. I keep running across whole sections I want to share with you. My hope is that you read them and really think about them and take them to heart. I'm sending them directly to your heart. I think you're at a fork in the road, and you're really tempted to pick the wrong path. I think there's a huge part of you that still hopes someone will show you why the other path is the right one. I hope you attend to that part of yourself. That's your inner wisdom, sanity, strength, beauty, spirituality talking to you. Don't try to silence that voice.

p. 3

When I was about six years old I received the essential bodhichitta* teaching from an old woman sitting in the sun. I was walking by her house one day feeling lonely, unloved, and mad, kicking anything I could find. Laughing, she said to me, "Little girl, don't you go letting life harden your heart."

Right there I got this pith instruction: we can let the circumstances of our life harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice.

p. 50

It's up to us. We can spend our lives cultivating our resentments and cravings or we can explore the path of the warrior--nurturing open-mindedness and courage. Most of us keep strengthening our negative habits and therefore sow the seeds of our own suffering. The bodhichitta practices, however, are ways for us to sow the seeds of well-being. Particularly powerful are the aspiration practices of the four limitless qualities--loving-kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity.

p. 54-55

Our personal attempts to live humanely in this world are never wasted. Choosing to cultivate love rather than anger just might be what it takes to save the planet from extinction.

What is it that allows our goodwill to expand and our prejudice and anger to decrease? This is a significant question. Traditionally it is said that the root of aggression and suffering is ignorance. But what is it that we are ignoring? Entrenched in the tunnel vision of our personal concerns, what we ignore is our kinship with others. One reason we train as warrior-bodhisattvas is to recognize our interconnectedness--to grow in understanding that when we harm another, we are harming ourselves. So we train in recognizing our uptightness. We train in seeing that others are not so different from ourselves. We train in opening our hearts and minds in increasingly difficult situations.

p. 56

[E]ven in the rock-hardness of rage, if we look below the surface of the aggression, we'll generally find fear. There's something beneath the solidity of anger that feels very raw and sore. Underneath the defensiveness is the brokenhearted, unshielded quality of bodhichitta. Rather than feel this tenderness, however, we tend to close down and protect against the discomfort. That we close down is not the problem. In fact, to become aware of when we do so is an important part of the training. The first step in cultivating loving-kindness is to see when we are erecting barriers between ourselves and others. This compassionate recognition is essential. Unless we understand--in a nonjudgmental way--that we are hardening our hearts, there is no possibility of dissolving that armor. Without dissolving the armor, the loving-kindness of bodhichitta is always held back. We are always obstructing our innate capacity to love without an agenda.

p. 60-61

Because they challenge us to the limits of our open-mindedness, difficult relationships are in many ways the most valuable for practice. The people who irritate us are the ones who inevitably blow our cover. Through them we might come to see our defenses very clearly. Shantieva explained it like this: If we wish to practice generosity and a beggar arrives, that's good news. The beggar gives us an opportunity to learn how to give. Likewise, if we want to practice patience and unconditional loving-kindness and an enemy arrives, we are in luck. Without the ones who irritate us, we never have a chance to practice.

Before Atisha brought the bodhichitta practices from India to Tibet, he was told that the people in Tibet were universally cheerful and kind. He was afraid that if this was the case he'd have no one to provoke him and show him where he needed to train. So he chose to bring along the most difficult person in his life--his Bengali tea boy, who was as skillful at showing him his faults as his guru. The joke is that he didn't really need that Bengali servant. There were plenty of irritating people in Tibet.

* bodhi- means 'awake,' 'enlightened,' 'completely open'; chitta means 'mind,' 'heart,' or 'attitude' - I like to visualize an open heart. When I feel my heart closing down to someone or in some situation, I know I've found a spot I need to explore.

[newtus]

I read the passages/excerpts.

I thought about them and i can see them. How they can relate to me.

I feel justified in both my responses:

- I want to help others
- I hate people

This whole thing of people watching started when I was 9. I never understood why people were watching. It started with my parents but its not how I thought it was.
Not my parents together. My mom maybe. Not my dad though. I have tested him enough, he is not against me. In fact, hes with me, if anything.
Not at all against me in this situation, though.

I feel I am different in certain aspects. Very, especially socially. Amongst other things. But, along with this I knew it was my mission in life
(especially by 18) that I needed to bring these people down. I soon, very very soon, found out that it wasnt gonna happen without a fight and
I would have to watch over my shoulder everywhere I went. Not just that but change my gameplan.

The whole situation gets worse as time goes on in my life.

Ive had to shift my whole life for this. I grow more anxious everyday.

Though, ive had to change everything from being peaceful yet anxious to anxious
yet scared, to changing how I dress and how I get info.

I honestly hate society so much, but I know theres a few out there that deserve to be helped.
That is not majority.

With that, I realized i'm not just doing this mission to uncover the evils and the demonic
persons of this world but I'm doing it for those few that arent majority.

So in a way I am saving this world.

I realize these people in high power know about me (I cannot 100% escape their eyes, whatever their
eyes may be; human eyes, mechanical, digital, gas/water/air powered), but theres what they call
copycats or followers. Citizens that get on the situation for their own personal gain; they are coerced
with bribery, blackmail, trading, what have you. They dont know about me. They are not trained like
people who are in high positions of power are. Those are who I have to hide from, mainly: copycats/followers.

Please know this.

I read those passages, i like them. Thank you.

Im an avid reader on philosophy. An avid reader, now, after embarking on the subjects/issues 11 months ago.
So i understand what they were conveying. Im hooked and believe I will always be.

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