Roll Call 192

I decided to go to dr just in case….

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I love jenis

They said to goto the ER…..so lame…..

((Hugs))

SP, that's terrible, I heard those can be painful as heck. ((hugs)) Hope everything will be okay!

I've been doing so-so lately. I read a Carl Jung book titled, Answer to Job, the first half was okay, but it took a weird turn and got off subject. Interesting to read Jung trying to psychoanalyze the Christian Judeo God, wow! lol

I need to figure out a lot of big things in my life. But reconnecting with reading has been a godsend. The brothers Karamazov was such a beautiful, perfect book. I've been going through Alan Watt's speeches while I work. What an interesting mind. It's Eastern meets Western thoughts on philosophy, psychology and theology. I love it, gives me something interesting to think about while I work. = ) Newtus, you might like this guy!

I should probably work on my PTSD more. I just dont know where else I can go considering I wrote a book about it, exploring it completely. This might be what healing is, this might be my new normal which I need to accept. Or perhaps, as time passes, things will consciously get further int he rear-view mirror and I won't be triggered as much? I have noticed that at night, i really dont go into a spiral of racing negative thought patterns that keep me up all night. I no longer have panic attacks or very much anxiety. I am gaining my emotions back, but it's very slow.

Back from er…they say I’m fine but five more stones in the kidney.

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I feel better, I took the transdermal birth control patch off last night and am not nauseous and throwing up anymore

I'm extremely sore, I think I overdid the exercising yesterday because man I've been so sore all day long it was hard to move most of the day

I spent most of the day on my couch sleeping. Aside from that I read a lot

It's good to see you back SK!

And I hope you feel better soon and hope the stones go away soon SP

Does anyone else plan their days out by the hour for every day weeks to months in advance ? I can't stop making lists in my to-do app and calendar, I get upset if I don't do things exactly as I planned, my therapist awhile back mentioned I may have ocd and I was wondering if this was part of it or if this is some weird trait/quirk I have. I probably spend several hours a day every day making lists and rearranging plans and details on to do lists, I probably spend more time doing that than I actually do doing the things I have planned, then I get upset at myself because I haven't accomplished much

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I might write down one or two things that need to be done so I don’t forget but that’s about it….I definitely don’t schedule when it needs to be done.

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I just realized my animal crossing character is wearing the same exact glasses I got the other day in real life haha I guess I liked the design so much I subconsciously ended up getting it in real life too

I need to stop, I stress myself out and yet I keep doing it every single day

I stupidly stayed up all night. Now I'm a mess. I know I can't take a walk because if I go out on zero sleep it's likely my anxiety will skyrocket and I'll start dissociating during my walk and it's kind of dangerous to be walking around here like that , lots of cars , not a great neighborhood, kind of need to be aware of your surroundings at all times

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The guy I've been talking to (the one I dated when we were in high school together)... well I'm wondering if things won't work out. I think I need to tell him that because he's already talking of the future and me moving with him to Kansas someday, and while that's nice and all, I spent 7 years on a waiting list to get this nice apartment, I'm not giving it up for something that may not even work out, I'm not risking that and possibly screwing myself over in the end, and I'm not giving up my independence. I live in a pedestrian friendly city, there's buses, cabs, most things are in walking distance, etc. I can't move somewhere that barely has any public transportation if any, I don't have a license and don't want to get one, I prefer using public transportation or walking. He lives in a very rural area. If I moved there someday I'd be stranded there and would have to rely on other people to get places.

Not to mention the fact that I hate heat and it's way too hot for me down there. I'm from NY and like cold weather, snow. I'm not a summer person. I lived in Kentucky for several years (we both did) and also Florida and that was far enough south for me to decide I don't want to venture further south/west whatever, where there's so much heat and tornadoes

I would set him straight……but you guys can still talk or even get together to see if it would work out. He’s kinda jumping the gun with his fantasies here. Besides why can’t he move by you?

Yeah that's true, and I have no idea why he couldn't move closer here someday if he wanted to, if it eventually got that serious, I think he just likes where he lives, he likes living in the country, he lives on a military base and already has a house now so I guess he doesn't want to give that up. But yeah I can see how things go I guess but I will let him know I have no zero intention on moving anywhere in the next few years, and if I ever do it would not be to Kansas. Plus it's way too early for any of that anyway, and he keeps bringing it up

I'm filling out that job application this week with my care manager

I kind of want to put all my focus on working part-time and going back to college part-time, I'm unsure if I'm ready for juggling a relationship on top of those two, and working and school are going to be the most important to me. I know many people do all three but I am just starting out with getting into the job world, between learning all of that stuff and college, I don't think I will have time to focus on a relationship especially with someone who is pushing things way too fast. He seems pretty set on the whole moving in together soon. I'm definitely not ready for that and also am not anywhere near ready for marriage, which he has brought up in passing. I think once I'm supporting myself fully and off SSI, and have at least finished my associates degree, maybe then I'll be ready for a relationship but I don't think I am now if that's how fast people want to take things.

Anyway, I feel really weird right now from lack of sleep. Like really on the verge of panic or feeling like reality is untangling or something

The harder you work the more play you need. A stable relationship can be that play. Still…not sure why he’s talking marriage already. You can lose your benefits with marriage, does he know that?

I have no idea if he knows that or not, I wouldn't mind a relationship eventually with someone but not with someone who's thinking of marriage and stuff like that already. And he's not just saying this stuff like as like a side comment like it's just thinking about something far into the future , he's been trying to get me to answer like how long I would want to wait until I wanted to get married etc stuff like that and saying he would want to as soon as possible, all these details about us living together. etc and I'm like I can't just marry you and if that's what you want then you need to find someone else because I would not be ready for that for a LONG time if ever. That's why the more he talks about it/brings it up, the more I'm realizing it won't work, not meaning any relationship wouldn't work, but us, we wouldn't work because he's so focused on moving in together and getting married as soon as possible. I get that we dated in high school but that was a long time ago and we can't just pick up where we left off 10 plus years ago

I have the feeling that my meds are poisoning me, I think I need to sleep. I started the day feeling amazing and energetic/happy even though I have been up all night, but now I'm feeling very bad and weird, people outside their voices feel like they're cutting underneath my skin

It’s my own fault I stopped my Thorazine 5 days ago . I’ll restart it tonight

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i love alan watts

im tired of working 5 days a week and barely functioning. why does this have to be the way life works

Wish we had universal basic income ….

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Glad you are regaining your emotions and interests….

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