Meditation anyone? 30 minutes a day for 8 weeks... you in?

I have an idea. I know Sun and I are in the same time zone but I don't know what time zone Lavie or Sunsun are in. Maybe it is just self serving to help me feel comfortable enough to meditate again, but I was thinking it would be cool if we could set a time, not everyday but maybe once a week or something, when we all sat together. I feel like we could circle each other in a collective energy.

It may be a goofy idea but I thought I would put it out there anyways.

I am planning to sit tonight. I think I will go and listen to one of the dharma tapes Lavie gave us a link to and then just sit contemplating the teaching. No crazy stuff this time. lol

Thank you so much Sun. Yup, back in the game as a player and not a victim. Feels good. So much weight has been lifted because I let people in rather then shutting them out. That is actually really HUGE for me.

One of the gains that can be taken forward for me is to remember that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I may need others to guide me in the right direction, to walk with me, to pick me up if I fall or to even carry me forward when I have no strength of my own but that is okay. I do not need to do this alone. I can ask for help and it doesn't mean I am weak or incapable. It just means I could use the help. I don't need to walk it alone. I don't need to prove anything to myself or anyone else.

As defeated as I might feel or as hopeless as things might look sometimes, I can never ever know what is coming around the corner. There is no point in projecting forward those kinds of feelings or thought. There is no gain in seeing things through the eyes of pain.

It takes me back to so much of the teachings we have shared with one another here. The importance of returning to the moment that we are in. Not imposing anything from the past, any thought of the futher but only on the peace that we allow ourselves to receive when we choice to go into the mindlessness of now. So profound, so simple, yet so hard to remember when it 'feels' like we are heading towards a train wreck. Even train wrecks can be avoided if we are attentive to the curves on the track when they come into our sights, if we stay focus on where we are one chug-a-lug at a time.

I love this idea!!! It's not goofy at all! It's beautiful!! SunSun and lavie are on the East Coast. I'm pretty flexible time-wise so just let me know what suits everyone!

Our clocks change tonight (spring forward). Do yours change too, ss?? If not, then you and I will be separated by one hour.

Anyhow, I really love this idea. Thanks so much for suggesting it!

Hey Gus... if you are still check in on us here I wanted to let you know that I received the free CD from Center Point. I haven't listened to it yet but I am looking forward to getting to it soon.

I just wanted to let you know.

I can so relate to this!! Hope is so powerful! So is the sense that we do have options. It's so important to keep that hope alive. Thanks for that reminder ((((((((ss))))))))) Let's always remind each other of this!!!

You got it Sun. We need to make a banner. I have been busy going back to the start of the thread to invite folks back who showed interest in the thread. I have gotten up to page 8 but think I will give it a rest for now. I was surprised at just how many haved dropped by over the time we have been here. Feel free to pick up where I left off if you feel like it. Perhaps with a little encouragement we can bring them back into the fold. What does... bring them back into the fold really mean? hummmm.

I still haven't made it to the dharma tapes. I got as far as opening the website. I had to find the post where Lavie shared the link. I since realized I had it bookmaked. In the process I notices all the folks that had chimmed in once or twice but haven't been back and off I went posting invitations on their public profiles.

Only slighted ADD. Before I had really looked into ADD I used to just call my bouncing around 'multi-tasking'. lol.

I am thrilled you like the idea Sun. My time is pretty flexible too so we will wait to hear what Lavie and SunSun think about it.

I am not sure about whether time is going to spring forward tonight. I will have to check that out. I think we do it at the same time but I haven't heard any mention of it. Mind you I haven't been listening to the radio or watching much tv today.

I will go google it and let you know what I find out. brb

Well how about that.... we do spring forward. It will feel like it is dark early for a while but the days are getting longer so yippee for that.

I guess since we are pushing the clocks ahead I should get myself to bed now. Another miss on the dharma tapes. I will try again tomorrow.

No formal sit just some quiet mindlessness before bed. I think it will serve me best given the roller coaster ride the last few days.

Oh by the way.... I heard back from Crew and she has a great idea. She has a type of meditation that works well for her and others and she would like to share it with us. It got me thinking in addition to trying to set a time for a group sit we could take turns to introduce each other particular methods that we like and maybe put them to use in a group sit.

I am just full of ideas tonight. lol

This sounds great !I had very stressful time 4 mounths ago and I decided to try meditation .so every day ,I used to have my sessions at evenings and after a week or so I started feeling more relaxed .Butt unfourtently I stopped .
after reading this I realy liked to give it a try if its ok ?may be this time I will stick to the programme.

I know what you mean about starting and stopping. The group here has kept me in the game more then once. I hope you stick around to enjoy the magic.

That sit last night didn't last very long. I felt the pangs of anxiety try to interfer with my breathing as it started to speed up at first but as I faced it and named it I was able to nip it in the bud before it got too hyperactive. Once I was able to settle my breath and enter into mindlessness I was asleep in no time. It was a peaceful, uninterrupted sleep. The release of pressure you guys allowed me to unload allowed me to sleep better then I have in days.

Thanks for the support. Another hurdle behind me.

Yay for all your great ideas!!! ((((((((((ss))))))))))) I'm so glad you slept well last night! And I'm glad we're still in the same time zone!

Hi (((((seeker)))))) It's great to see you here! We'd love to meditate with you! Were you doing mindfulness meditation? Would love to hear more about your experiences

PS: Thanks also (((((((ss)))))))) for writing to other folks who were interested in this thread. The more the merrier!!

Nice idea, (((((SS))))))). How long a sit do you envision? Once a week sounds good. I'm skipping the sangha downtown tonight, fearing a repeat of last Sunday's extreme restlessness while there. A cybersangha. I love it.

SS, in talking about my swinging between feeling totally disabled, and in better moments, thinking that I have more control than I do, I certainly didn't mean in the sense of scamming anyone, or playing victim. It's genuinely confusing to me, when I start thinking that, if our thoughts and expectations create our reality, as so philosophies including Buddhism espouse, then wouldn't enough right thinking change my life? Perhaps, it's that the production of negative thoughts is so great, that it takes so much stamina to keep up and counter them. Maybe this is all or none, black/white thinking. Maybe the truth lies somewhere in between. Maybe, yes, there's an illness or predisposition toward depression and anxiety, AND yes, I make it much worse through my fearful reaction to my symptoms. Maybe it's just another way to beat myself up, by saying that if only I'd really practice affirmations/visualizations/meditation/muscle relaxation/better diet, etc. etc., then my life would vastly improve.

I was disturbed earlier today to think about how what I envisioned for myself (in my fearful, depressed states) decades ago, included poverty, remaining lonely and single, and living in a home in neglect and disrepair. It is exactly what I created.

Lately, in this depressed, distorted state, I've begun experiencing more old resentments bubbling up again. Getting triggered by a recent phone conversation with my aunt (the conversation was neutral; it just stirred feelings about family), it brought me back to my mom, who was so unpleasant, and blaming others, was also helped and financially taken care of by my aunt and her son, both successful people. And how my abusive drug addict brother met a rich woman and never worked again. Neither them nor any relatives bother themselves with me or offer financial or other help. I keep wondering why I was so unlucky as to never meet a man to love and be loved by. I made some efforts, but my emotional problems sabotaged me again and again. I read here about some lucky women and their "saints" of a husband, who love them despite their illness.

I'm fully aware that I'm being just what I disliked in my mother, a victim, feeling envy of the support and help and love that others have. I know that my heart was not open enough, that fear closed it, and that there is no one to blame. I know that envy and resentment is (as one teacher said) like a hot coal that you hold in your hand, intending to throw at someone, but it's you that gets burned. I know that I must keep trying to release it. It's toxic, and bars the way to any healing.

It's just hard. I've tried through it all, to be a kind person, to not "take hostages", to see my part, make amends where necessary. Life isn't fair. Mean people get rewarded a lot. This life seems to intend that I take care of myself without concrete hands-on help. I don't want to sound ungrateful or minimize the importance of emotional support from wonderful friends like you both, and others who've lent an ear IRL. I just wish I had someone to really get involved IRL. End of rant. I know that I need to start practicing "right speech", to focus more on solutions than on problems, which only grow the more I feed and water them.

((((((((((((lavie))))))))))))))) I think it's human nature to feel envy, resentment and bitterness sometimes. Definitely I get triggered by certain things too and I have some bitterness for sure. As you say here, these feelings do not serve us well. It reminds me of that story about the two wolves: whichever wolf you feed is the one that will win......And yet, despite knowing that, it's still so hard NOT to feed the angry, bitter wolf sometimes.

You really do not strike me at all as a victim though. And I don't think that feeling pain and sadness about the way certain things have turned out automatically makes someone a victim. You are trying so hard to work with your feelings and you are doing all kinds of things to help yourself. But I totally get it that you would like to meet someone IRL to help you share the load. I wish that for you so much (((((((((((((lavie)))))))))))))))) It absolutely sucks that you get no support from your family. I hope that hanging out online with your "cyber-family" can, in some small way, help. Though I realize that, wonderful as the internet is, there's only so much it can offer.

Thinking of you (((((((((lavie)))))))) and sending tons of love

PS: I'd love to do the group meditation anytime. It could just be short to start with, say, 10 minutes? Or whatever people feel comfortable with. Yay, a cyber-sangha!!!

((((((((Sundog)))))))))) Thanks for that. It really helped to read your message. I definitely would prefer to be glad for others' blessings than to compare and feel envy. Let's figure out what time of day would work for our time zones. It's such a neat concept, at different times of day, across the country, united in a single moment (by moment) Hugs and love to you

Cool!! Can't wait to do this! I'm pretty flexible time-wise.

That picture you posted a few days ago of the doggie buddha prompted me to google "meditating dogs" and I came across this delightful trio which I wanted to share here!!

Hope (((((((ss))))))))) and ((((((((SunSun))))))) are doing ok. Thinking of you guys and sending love to all

I am glad you like the idea too Lavie. I was thinking maybe 10, 15 minutes based on what seems to be the average time people are comfortable with. But that is not carved in stone. I am so unaware of the various techniques maybe there are set amounts of time of some types. I think we can leave it up to the guide (the one sharing a particular approach) to suggest the length of the sit. What do you think. Would you like to start us off Lavie? I am really keen to learn more about the sangha meditation. Just a thought if you feel up to it.

I am sorry Lavie that I went off track with what you were saying. To be a bit clearer it’s not me who thinks I am pulling a scam or just playing victim but I think other people believe that to be true. I am sorry for getting sidetracked and giving you the wrong impression.

I do understand what you mean about questioning if you are doing enough. I can relate to that a lot. I am always giving myself a hard time for not having enough faith. If I just had enough faith I could receive healing. If I just prayed more, did more ceremonies, spent more time with my elders I could change my reality and my afflictions would go away.

I wonder if you can relate to something I have been thinking about lately. There are times when I am doing well regardless of my diet, exercise, prayers etc. No question it is always beneficial to practice self care but when my symptoms flare up a fully stocked arsenal of coping skills and self care behaviours is not just 'beneficial', they are absolutely critical to taming the flared symptoms. Slip once and bam! I am down for the count. I am totally powerless. Like you say when symptoms act up, when our brain starts to play tricks on us and our thought process are off it takes a lot more stamina to keep on keepin’ on.

It makes me than wonder how that might factor into the question of enough? What is enough? How much is enough? Why is it enough today but not enough tomorrow? Can I really ever do enough? It gets me thinking that by putting that kind of pressure on myself to do enough I must still be holding onto self blame. I am not suggesting that is true for everyone but I can’t really shake the belief that it is my fault that I am sick. From that place of self blaming I go back to thinking that if I just took better care of myself I wouldn’t be in this mess.

For years I wouldn't ask for help because I hadn't yet done enough of the work myself to find out if I actually needed help. I hadn’t earned it yet. I still hold on to that thinking to some degree. If I could just get my act together and take better care of myself I would not need help. I could cure myself. I got myself into this mess therefore it is my job to get myself out. Lots of old tapes have contributed to the formulating those ideas.

I agree it does get pretty confusing. It is hard to know what part we can own and what part is out of our hands. I don't know about you but the concept of not having full control puts me totally off balance. I sometimes am desperate to own it all just so I don’t have to let anyone in.

Thank you Lavie for sharing those thoughts that dominate your thinking when you are in what you call a depressed distorted state. I am sorry they are causing you such sadness. I hope it lifts for you soon. I think that what can be hardest to take is while we know our thinking is slanted by the depression the thoughts hold grains of truth. They still reflect our perceptions of our reality. People around you have been given an easier road to follow. People have gotten away with doing little to earn their good fortune. People do luck out and find life partners who stick by them no matter what. Your effort to be a good person, to be kind and generous to others has to often gone unrewarded. So far. As Dr Phil would say (yes I watch Dr Phil lol) ‘I don’t ask why you feel the way you do, but rather I ask why wouldn’t you?’
It is human to feel all those things you describe in the face of what you see all around you. When you are left alone to carry such a burden, while others with half the burden are supported it is natural to feel hurt and abandoned. The hurt is real, the aloneness is real.

It is sad because it is so glaringly obvious that you deserve better. You deserve compassion and unconditional love and all the kindness the world can shower upon you. You deserve the desires of your heart to be realized. Not because others less deserving get free rides or that you have done anything to earn them but because they are such burning desires. I don’t believe you will be denied those dreams. The time will come when you are positioned to receive the gifts of your desires.

I know when the depressive brain loosens it grip your old hurts and resentments will loosen their grip too. It is hard when we are depressed to imaging thinking apart from our pain but you seem to really get that.

I am proud of you for ranting. I really think the greatest value of a good rant is that it begins to dis-empower the impact of depressive thoughts. I hope that is true for you. I hope it helped you to say out loud (so to speak) the nagging hurtful thoughts that their power might lessened. I pray that to be so.

I am impressed by your insights and self awareness. You may still be holding on to things but you are aware of it and I think that that is a huge step towards your healing. The rest will flow naturally. Give yourself time. The causes of your hurts didn’t happen overnight. It will take time to heal the scars they left behind. You will get there. You will be an over comer. You have already over come so much in your life. Give yourself lots of credit for knowing what is toxic and for how much you have already released.

I think we all deserve major kudos for continuing to open ourselves up to greater self awareness, a greater sense of personal power, to learning new ways to stand up to those things that try to tear us do. I think it makes us more open, more prepared, more ready to receive the gifts waiting for us to find them. We are taking responsibility for our recovery, and contributing to our greater wellness and my hope is that along the way we can each find our own understanding of what we truly desire and how we can honour and fulfill our dreams. I pray that we will come to see ourselves as deserving. Not by our works but by our knowing.

I am sorry I missed you guys when you were on line but when I read Lavie's post it took my mind in all sorts of directions and I have been writing ever since. And now suddening it is almost 3 am. Geesh time flies when I get caught up trying to capture my thoughts.

Count yourselves lucky I only including a portion of those thoughts into the last 2 posts. Tell me to learn to be concise and I honestly will try harder.

Who's who in the doggy trio Sun. lol.

"Good night and good morning'' in the words of Truman.

Good morning ((((((((((friends))))))))))))

Hi Sun. Awesome picture again. I hope you are well and that you are getting time to spend at your special spots.

I have been quite busy being more proactive about my financial situation. It feels good to not just do nothing while sit here and just worry.

I had a restful and relaxing sit last night after I signed off at 3am. Well 2am if you consider my internal clock hasn't yet adjusted to the time change. I needed it to unwind from all the writing I had been doing. I was still writing in my head and resisting the temptation to write through the night. I sort of wish now that I did because the stories have now left my head. Perhaps they will return in some other time. I suppose I should just believe they were not ready to be told.

I am feeling peaceful today. Yesterday was much the same short of one hit of anxiety but even that passed soon enough with some focused breathing and a few minutes of silence.

Wishing everyone well and I hope I might catch you online later tonight. I need to get at altering a wedding dress for a daughter of a friend of mine. Procrastinated way too long and of course I will now have to race to be ready for the next fitting.

(((((SS)))))) Thanks for those messages so very much. Those thoughts that I "should" be doing more to heal is partly akin to pressuring myself, blaming myself for all of my problems. And thinking that I "should" be able to fix it myself equates to wanting some control, some power over my situation. The obsessing over what is and isn't in my power gets maddening. Maybe I'll never figure it out. Sometimes, I've done all the right things and still find no relief.

It's not easy for me to believe in a Higher Power, but I like the feeling of surrendering, handing over all my troubles and unmet desires to something greater than myself. But, I'm forgetful or lack faith, and I usually grab back the pile of woe.

Thanks also for validating my feelings of envy and resentment. I don't want to encourage those feelings within myself, and don't want them to take root, but I always shame myself for having them, thinking, "You shouldn't feel that way. That's not being a nice person". Yet, dammit, I do feel that way.

I would like to give up the obsessive habit of trying to figure out what went wrong. There were plenty of times when out publicly, I was in a fear state, remote, appearing disinterested, contracted, feeling defective and not willing to risk rejection or indifference. I always see that as the reason I've always been single. But, there were other times, when in a better state, I was open, warm, playful, compassionate, greeting everyone with eye contact and a smile. I stayed home too much, turned down invitations in the other depressed state when younger. But, at other times, I went to dances, other events, went to a job, traveled, and it still never led to meeting "the one". I drive myself insane with the question "Why, why, why?", and on occasion, start feeling punished by the Fates. I know better than to engage in such victim thinking and ruminating on the past. Maybe I'm trying to exorcise it here once and for all. I do appreciate the validation of my thoughts and emotions. I deeply do.

I guess I was composing my last post SS while you were posting yours. Forgot to add thanks for that beautiful photo, Sundog. SS, you asked if I wanted to kick off the group meditation. What do you both think about Wednesday, 11 a.m. Eastern time, 2 p.m. your time, for ten minutes? We can use breath as an anchor, or sounds around us, or metta phrases, or any type that's most comfortable for each of us. I think I'll try going back to in- and out-breaths as an anchor, since that was my first technique. Let me know. SS, I'm glad that you felt peaceful and serene, and took proactive steps regarding finances. That's great!!