Meditation anyone? 30 minutes a day for 8 weeks... you in?

(((((((((ss))))))))))) It was wonderful to read about your amazing sit experience last night. Wow But I'm really sorry to hear that your peace was shattered this morning by the stressful exchange with your son. That would totally stress me out too. In fact, I think it would stress anyone out. I'm very sorry that happened. I hope you can gather yourself on your walk (((((((((ss))))))))))

I had a kind of weird panic attack thing in bed last night and I had an upset stomach and was in danger of really going off the charts anxiety wise. All kinds of catastrophic thinking going on and just feeling really unwell and the dark thoughts fueling the unwell feelings, and vice versa. I tried really hard to stay with it and after a while I was able to calm myself somewhat. But it was very, very hard to do when I felt that anxious.

I felt unwell and still anxious when I woke up this morning. I debated whether to stay in bed, but thought that might just end up making me feel worse. So I got up and I'm at work now. I feel better now I'm up, though I'm very tired and my stomach is still a bit upset.

I don't know what happened last night. I felt fine when I went to bed. But after laying there for about half an hour I suddenly began feeling a lot of anxiety in my body. Before long I was having some cramps in my stomach and I had to get up. My anxiety was sky-high at this point as I was reminded of all the times I have had terrible panic attacks in bed at night and been up all night sick. I was so scared that was going to happen again. And so disappointed because I've been doing so much better.

I tried really hard to "turn towards" it. That is SO HARD TO DO when you're in the grip of terror. I remembered something Pema Chodron said on the CD which was, start off by trying to be with it for 1.5 seconds. I thought, I can do that, so I did. But then I just wanted to flee again. I desperately wanted the bad feelings to stop. But of course there is nowhere to flee to and no escape when the bad feelings are happening in your own body. That just ramps up my panic even more. I feel very claustrophobic in my own body and it is one of the worst feelings.

So I kept trying to turn towards it again for 1.5 seconds. I should say I was pacing around at this point. No way could I sit still. Eventually I did go back to bed though and I lay there trying to turn towards what I was feeling. At some point I went to sleep. So even though it was a bad start to the night, at least I wasn't up all night being ill and feeling like I was about to die.

I really hope it was an isolated incident and that tonight will be better. I absolutely do not want to go back to that place of heightened anxiety punctuated by real terror that I was living in 24/7 not so many months ago.

Really trying to use these skills of being present and showing compassion to these difficult feelings. But, boy, it's SO HARD......

I'm sorry for the suffering that you both have experienced, and wish I could steal it away from you. It was inspiring though, SS to hear of your meditation experience. Gus, thank you so much for the music suggestion. I'll search around on youtube. I need to put together a collection of inspiring soothing music for my MP3 player. This music phenomenon drives me absolutely insane at times. The same song will repeat from waking in the morning until falling asleep, sometimes just a part or phrase. I can usually bump it out by thinking of another tune, but then that repeats endlessly. It started a few years ago. It's not psychosis. I don't know what caused it. It'll disappear for short periods now and then. It makes meditation nearly impossible. I really miss silence.

Oh, I forgot. I got a message from SunSun today. She's not been doing too well, hasn't been around PC lately.

(((((((((((((((lavie)))))))))))))))))) Thanks for checking in

When in doubt, google beautiful, meditation-related images!!

Sorry about your rough night Sun. I know what you mean about feeling disappointed when the symptoms get a hold of you like that. Good on you for applying the teaching about turning towards it especially with how hard it is. Kudos to you.

I hope for you Lavie that you soon will figure out why that music is so constant. I have a constant low level buzzing in my ear but nothing as distracting or bothersome as what you describe. Your persistance to keep moving forward in other ways while that music constantly blaring is impressive.

My day didn't improve much over all. Meltdown upon melted exhausted my will after a while to employ any more coping techniques. After a while it just felt like the effort to cope, manage, take a respite from the anxiety just seemed to heighten the pressure. I was recenting how necessary they were to get through every minute of the day.

I was grateful for my son when he got home from school. I had just hung up the phone from a stressful conversation. Just what I didn't need but couldn't avoid. I had put her off twice before so I couldn't do it again. I wouldn't have answered except I thought it was my son given it was just around the time school was over when the call came in.

My son was very understanding and supportive as I recalled the events of the day through tears and sobbing. He gave me a long hug and comforted me while I cried on his shoulder for awhile. He is not my little boy anymore but a strong and compassionate young man.

We talked abit about my outburst in the morning and why I get so triggered by the anxiousness of wondering if he is going to make it. It was good for me to be able to talk about it for us together to come up with ways those kinds of situations are less impactful on me. We talked about this and that for almost and hour. It felt good to get my mind off my own stuff. It settled me down alot.

I am vegging out watching old movies on TV. I don't plan to sit tonight. I think I am still feeling stung and now the thought of sitting just heightens the anxiety and even a bit of rage. I just don't want to try to process or work through any more emotions tonight. I just want to get lost in distractions.

At this point, in my current state I am not sure I will feel comfortable meditating again. I trust that will pass but to decide that gives me back a sense of control. I feel a real need right now to have some kind of control of something. Otherwise I feel as if I might fall apart completely.

I wish you both wellness and peace and continued blessing from the self care you give to yourself. I will check in tomorrow.

(((((((((ss))))))))))) I'm sorry your day included so many tears. But it sounds as though you had a very healing conversation with your son. And how lovely that he comforted you when you were upset by your stressful telephone conversation.

I'm glad you're taking it easy this evening and not putting yourself under any pressure to sit. I understand completely what you say here about needing to protect yourself from opening up too much right now, for example, in meditation.

I wish you a peaceful night (((((((((ss)))))))))))))) and a much calmer day tomorrow

Good morning all

I'm grateful to have had a much better night last night. I hope you guys are well

Thinking of you and sending metta.

thanks sun. glad to hear your sleep was better last night. such a blessing.

I was up till the wee hours watching the news about japan and updates about the potential of tsunamis hitting our shores. While I live far enough inland to not have to worry about my personal safety I have a lot of friends and family member living on the islands and coastal communities up and down the coast. I was staying in touch with some of them on facebook.

It was touching this morning when my ex called from the other side of the country called early this morning to check we were okay. It was sweet of him.

It is heartbreaking to imagine the devistation and how distressing it has to be in the midst of all the distruction. Alot of mental health support is going to be required once the shock wears off. So sad.

Wishing you wellness and peace.

Really glad you and your loved ones are safe (((((((ss)))))))

There has been quite a bit of damage to boats moored in Half Moon Bay, just up the road from us. It is amazing to think how far that wave has come.......

Peace to all

Yes it is amazing how far it travelled and just how powerless we are in those kinds of situations. How difficult it must be for people with family over there that they are desperately trying to contact.

I'm so glad that you are both safe. The news of today really drove home the fragility of our little lives. I watched some Youtube meditation and inspiration videos last night, and it stayed with me through this morning. I called my aunt and asked her about my cousins. We were close as kids, but I haven't had contact in many years. I began comparing my life to theirs, though I tried to stop myself. That began to sink me. Then, despite directions and a map to an unfamiliar location, I didn't see the streets, took wrong turns getting there and returning home. A stranger saw me in my car staring hopelessly at the atlas and offered help. I was a basketcase at that point, convinced that dementia is just around the corner. The shame I feel about my problems and my failures is so deep. It's like a snowball rolling downhill, getting larger and larger. Before long, I was convinced that I won't be able to work at all, or drive, and that I'm alone because I'm not capable of loving anyone, and never have. And on, and on. The ground shifts under my feet so frequently. It's very hard to ground myself once I'm triggered. I know you've both said that there was room here for divulging the tough stuff, but I always feel SO guilty for putting it out there. It's too much, too often. I'm so much crazier than I realize, half the time. I'm so tired of white-knuckling it through my life all the time. It's so hard to stop these mental habits, even when it's plainly observed. Forgive me for this. Please tell me to stop if it's too much. I don't want to wear out your patience and kindness.

I love, love, love, LOVE this Thanks so much for posting it!!! (((((((lavie))))))

((((((((lavie)))))))) I'm so sorry you had such a crappy day. I'm bad with directions and I often get lost, so I can really relate. It's extremely stressful.

I can really relate also to what you say here about your anxious thoughts spiraling into a crescendo. It's exactly that kind of cascade of catastrophic thoughts that plunges me into panic when I'm lying in bed at night. It's very frightening when our minds run away with us like that. And my body is always quick to follow suit. In fact, with me it's often the other way around: my body starts freaking out and that causes my anxious thoughts to spin out of control.

It really helps me to be able to talk about this with someone who understands. I often feel isolated with my anxiety issues because my anxiety is so focused on my body, and with not feeling well and the different physical symptoms associated with that. At any rate, I am really grateful to you for sharing the "tough stuff" ((((((((lavie)))))))))))) and ((((((((((((ss)))))))))))))))). It isn't "too much" at all. On the contrary, it's helpful. And besides, I'm carrying around a huge amount of crap. That's why I can relate to the guilt too. That's the other thing that gets me when I'm lying in bed. These huge waves of guilt and sadness, and overwhelming feelings that I'm a failure and a disappointment.

Pema Chodron talks a lot about placing our difficult feelings "in the cradle of loving kindness", instead of rejecting them or fighting against them or trying not to think about them. Intellectually that makes so much sense to me. And it really speaks to me on an emotional level too. Just, it's so very hard to do.....She describes herself as a student of these teachings and says she has been training for many years. We're all students together!

(((((((((lavie))))))))))) and ((((((((((((ss))))))))))))) Sending you both much love

Oh Lavie. You wrote my post for me tonight. The circumstances were different but the thoughts and feelings you describe could have been my own words.

I am so sorry you were put through all of that Lavie. I feel so blessed by your courage to share and the magic of your timing. It may have saved my from myself tonight. Never undervalue the gift of your sharing. I had determined to pull back from posting. I was preparing to run away. I was preparing to disengage. If not that then to start performing here too. Put on a false face. Paint only pretty pictues. It is easier for me to talk about the victories then the struggles unless the story of struggle ends in victory. The vulnerability, the over-expositure begins to overwhelm. Then I read your post and thought maybe I can still do this. Maybe it really is safe enough to stay here with you guys. I so appreciate you Lavie and sun for being here everyday. For listening to me and understanding. Oh how I wish we didn't understand the pain and struggle we each speak about.

I feel like the snowball as you describe it has just gotten way too big for me to stand anymore. I feel empty of any more steam, void of any more hope... just so done with trying to cope anymore. Ready to lay down and let the snowball take me away. I want to quit but there is nowhere to hide. I am begining to think I really must be insane. I keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

In the shadow of your courage I will attempt to not shut down but to share some of the load I feel under and stay engaged with you guys. So much has been shoveled on me this week I can't hardly stand it. The week started with some manageable stress but by the end of it I was flat on the floor.

I could no longer afford to put off finishing my application for disability. The docs had done there part and for weeks it was waiting for me to do my part. Describe your disability and how it affects your life. I am sure you can imaging the impact of seeing in black and white just how messed up your life has become. It was a rough couple of days. But I got through it and it was a relief to have it down. I drew from the coping pack and found the ground again.

I had that high and low experience with the moving madala meditation and the morning of raging. The lagging fear that came from not knowing why or what had really happened.

The family support worker called, can't remember which day it was, to interview me about the child support I was getting from my ex. She reminded me that as a social assistance recipient I was giving my parental rights over to the ministry. It meant that a formal child support agreement would need to be drawn up between the ministry and my ex. I was no longer my son's legal gardian. The ministry and my ex were his legal guardians. I was mearly his caregiver. Okay... get passed that. It is legalize. It doesn't really change anything. So back to the legal and binding agreement required between the ministry and my ex. Oh dear, here we go again. My ex is not going to like this. I express my concern about how much he needed to be involved. She assured me all he would need to do is sign the agreement and send them a copy of his pay stub. Eeks! That might be a challenge. Then I tell her he is out of province. Whole other ball game. The province he lives in has a much more rigerous process. Some 12 pages of forms and a court appearance. Well that ain't going to happen. She tells me it could take as long as a year. I thought well that will buy me some time. Though she said he would get the paper work within weeks. So much for the time. I ground myself by telling myself on bridge at a time.

I went for a job interview on Thursday. I performed very well. She was impressed with my resume etc. She was ready to offer the job to me until it got to the issue of money and it was so low it couldn't even meet my bare expenses. Mixed disappointment and relief. I doubted my readiness to work with the public day in and day out in a very busy and fast changing environment. Once the performance was over the anxiety immediately took hold. I white-knocked my way home pushing off anxiety over and over again. Focused on the mountains, the trees the sky the lines on the road. I get home and change, had a meltdown, did the work of recovery. Headed out to drop the disability form off, melting down again on the way. Came home and collapsed on my bed. No sit because the mandala meditation now had me afraid to sit.

Today was meant to be a well deserved rest day. A quiet day of self care. My aunty calls and I share my plans for a family gathering on the 30th anniversary of my mum's (her sisters) passing. She did not like the idea at all. It would dredge up to much hurt. She was one of two surviving syblings of 9 and it would just stir up too much pain for the family. I was crushed. I thought this would be good for the family. I was soooo wrong. I love my aunty and would never to do anything to cause her pain. I wept with such anquish in my heart. I didn't know what I was going to do now. I ended up back in bed.

My ex called tonight and after a long and pleasant conversation about this and that
I had to raise the issues around my receiving social assistance. When I told him he would need to submit a pay stub he adimately refused. They can take me to court but no way are they getting a pay stub out of me. Just as I has suspect and just as I had feared. It cause me to drop out last year before I even got this far into it. Looks like I will be forced to opt out again. I could go ahead and let the ministry take him to course but the animosity that would create is worth no amount of money, even as desperate as my situation is. He laughed when I told him the demands with him out of province. Not going to happen.

Refusing to let him know how upsetting I put a smile on my face so I could control my emotions and I told him rather non-chelantly that I was not surprised. I figured he would say no. I calmly told him it meant that I would be cut off. It may not be much money but I was desperate. For the next however long we talked I had to keep smiling through the pressure to breakdown and acknowledge or agree with his tyrade about the risks of going on assistance. How the ministry is going to take all of my rights away. My son, my home. I said well the bank will be coming for my home soon enough. Sell it he says. Drop the price. I couldn't risk trying to say much in response, to refute him, to explain anything. To speak risked breaking down if I said anymore then the occasional, 'I hear you. I know. I get it. You're right.'

At one point my voice did get a little shaky when I told him about the job interview. He said he could hear the self pity in my voice. Then the lecture about work is work you have to take what you can get. You can't keep sitting around waiting for contracts to fall out of the sky. You have to be willing to go where the work is. Look at me I went to the other side of the country. Why don't you form your own non-profit instead of begging for contracts and holding up other non-profits. blah blah blah.... I was bearly holding on by this point. He was so clueless. He was so indenal about my illness about my reduced capacities. He thinks I can just jump back into a management job or create an organization. The only think stopping me was myself. I need to stop isolating myself, babying myself, fealing sorry for myself....blah blah blah... Fighting even hard to barely control my emotions, limiting myself to one or two words, 'good idea, I should look into that'. He picked up that I wasn't really serious and showed some frustration because he knew I would just brush off the idea once I hung up the phone. More blah blah blah... you have to push yourself to get back on track. Quite feeling sorry for yourself.... blah blah blah

I was desperate to get off the phone. I had tried to cut it off a couple of times but it didn't work. Then my son came in and used the opportunity to say I need to go. Our son isp to something and I need to find out what it is. He chuggled like he does and say okay. Talk to you again soon.

Of course I was a total basket case of wound up suppressed emotions. I was defeated. Take me away. He didn't get it one bit and all this time I really thought he did. He must have felt treatened by ministry involvement and went straight to expecting me to get back into the game of life. To deny there was any legitimacy to my condition. No reason I souldn't be workiing. Whatever.... but I felt pretty abandoned.... again.

It just all been too much for one week. The reality of the outcomes too hard to process. You put things on the bad burner sometimes to buy yourself time to balance your thinking, your emotions but it just feels like so many things have been put on the back burners but I don't have time to keep them there. I won't make my mortgage payment. My heat may be cut off next week and maybe the phone and internet the next. There is hardly any food in the house.... I have depleted my credit and not able to make any payments, I am almost at my overdraft max. It is all toooo much. And I am going down fast no matter what I do. I am defeated. I want to be defeated. I want free of the work of fighting defeat.

Thanks for letting me dump on you guys. I guess it is an expression of some thread of hope hidden deep inside of me. Nevertheless my capacity to regroup is limited to staying away from any more triggers. I am tucked away in my room and just going to stay here for at least a day. I am just going to zone out and detach from my life and avoid everything going on around me and the disaster of my existance. I have heat today, I have a home today, I have TV and internet today, some bread and butter to fill the hole in my stomach and some meat to feed my son.

I just can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring to break down my door and say, 'Guess what.... more trouble is coming.'

forgive me any typos etc. My eyes are so blury from all the crying today I can't make out much of what I am typing. I catch when I mix up letters because I can feel I misplaced my fingers on the key board and can see enough through the blur now and then to see.... anyways. I am exhaousted and it is very late and I need to find some sleep.

I will see you all tomorrow. Thanks again lavie for preventing me from holding this all inside. It broke down a wall so as bad as things look and feel.... its a good thing to break down walls.

Be well my friends. Lets try to keep on keepin on until..... until we get to where we want and need to be to feel like we actually have a life worth fighting for.

gee.... looking at the length of my post.... shows me just how much has built up...

So glad to hear that you are not planning on pulling back or pulling away ((((((((((ss)))))))))))))). I am very grateful to you and to lavie and to SunSun too for posting regularly here and just for being here. You guys really mean a lot to me I love how we are here for each other

I am beyond sorry to hear about your conversation with your ex and all the financial stress you are facing ((((((((((ss))))))))))))) Gosh. That is really tough. I don't fully understand the legal ins and outs of the situation, but I understand enough to know that it's a very bad situation.

Does it effect your disability?? It sounds like you have now completed that application, so hopefully it's a separate issue and that will go through. I'm sorry the job you interviewed for pays an inadequate salary. Is it one of those situations where you are actually better off financially if you don't work?? Again, sorry I don't understand more about this.

I was also very saddened to read about your Aunt's reaction to your 30th anniversary suggestion. That must have really hurt.

It just sucks that you are getting it from every which way right now. I wish I could be more help. Please keep talking here as much as you need to. We're here for you ((((((((((ss))))))))))

You and Lavie and SunSun mean a lot to me too Sun. It is what made me to deny my old patterns from denying me those things that matter the most.

I was just feeling so badly with how much I was letting myself be a victim again and resigned to staying there and avoid trying to find any more resolve to stick with the program.

I called my sister to cry on her shoulder after the call from my ex. She suggested that his behaviour was because he needed an escape to justify his refusal to cooperate with social assistance. If I could return to work then I wouldn't need government assistance. Problem solved. In doing that he had to deny my illness and the limitation it imposes on my life. He had to package things differently to arrive at an alternative to divulging private information or for me needed to give up my parental rights.

My sister called me this morning and told me that she wanted to take over my mortgage payments. I was so touched by her offer but because of my pride I was resistant to facing reality. She asked me to think about it and I said I would. I told how much it meant that she would make such an offer.

My ex phoned shortly after and he had made a 180 over night. After the conversation with him this morning I think my sister may have nailed it. He was back to being understanding and supportive and acknowledging the truth about the illness. He offered to make up the money I would loss from government assistance for as long as I needed it. He said he would always valued my friendship and that he wanted to be here for me to get through these hard times. He apologized for his behaviour last night and wanted to make things right. He acknowledged that his suggestions were out of line and he acknowledge that the bipolar was not my fault.

He invited me and our son to move out to live with him until Oct. when he hopes to move back here. He said he could get me some contract work if I was there that I could do from home so it wouldn't put too much pressure on me.

After some more discussion I proposed back to him that I could start to do some of the development work from here to set up a non-profit he had suggested. That I could get the ground work in place so that when he moved back here he could assume the management role. I could still work behind the scenes within my capacities.

Then got to talking about an old idea we had when we were together to set up a business. I would manage the online marketing and sales and he could do the direct sales, cover events and trade shows. We both got pretty excited about the idea.

What a difference a night can make. I feel much less panicked about everything and now I think there is hope for me yet. I am going to be able to accept my sister's offer. It will be temporary. I have cause now to believe that there still is reason to hold on to hope.

Even if none of the options talked about with my ex actually happen I feel less up against the wall. I don't have to assume my only option is government assistance. Even that might only be temporary. I don't have to lose all hope just because I need help for a while to get back on my feet. It is just temporary.

I want to acknowledge how big a role making the decision last night to stick with being real with you guys played in all of this. Had I not been drawn back in to the magic of this thread I wouldn't have even taken their calls today. The decision not to runaway and hide in isolation began here. We can chalk this victory of overcoming defeat up to friendship and unconditional love.

I am sorry I was about to let myself turn my back on you and walk away from the beauty we have created here.

Thank you Sun. It has been extremely tough and things have gotten pretty bad. I have dug myself so deeply in the hole I was hitting rock bottom. As you will read in my earlier post things have turned around significantly overnight.

Yes it does affect the provincial disability. I am currently on basic assistance until the disability application ias assessed. If I opt out of basic assistance I will be disqualified for disability. Without an agreement between the ministry and my ex it can no longer continue. It will take a few months before the process gets stalled and I have to opt out so its not an immediate cut off. Actually I have that wrong, I will be cut off when I fail to provide the ministry with my ex's address. They are expecting me to pass that information onto them asap. Maybe I will squeeze another cheque if I can delay it a couple of weeks.

My application for federal disability that I paid into when I was employed (Canada Pension Plan Disability) is still pending. I went after provincial assistance to get immediate help while I waited out the 4-12 month process to secure CPP disability with no guarantees. No child support issues with that. No deductions for child support. I had hoped I could make it through the wait and not have to involve myself or my ex in the more intrusive public assistance.

Yes at the end of the day the job would still leave a huge gap in meeting my expensive and there would be no time for me to take on any contract work that I might be able to secure in the meantime.

Speaking of which.... I forgot to add this to my good news report. When I opened my work email this morning a client was offering me 4 day contract. That contract alone is worth 2 months wages at the garden. But alas, I need to report it to social assistance and my support will be cut off until all but $500 of the contract fee is exhausted. They just don't seem to want to let people get ahead of the game. As it happens the contract is after the next cheque issuing day from SA so if I get cut off soon after that then the money is mine again.

Don't worry Sun I barely understand much of this either.

Yes it was very hard to hear my aunty's reaction. It took my by such surprise. I am glad I found out sooner rather then later. My sister and I thought it interesting that neither of us had made phone calls that we would have to call back and cancel our requests. We still plan to put a head stone at the grave yard but any ceremonies will be limited to the usual small feast my son and I prepare. We will see who else might be called upon to join us. It is what it is and it will be what it is meant to be.

You are helping Sun. Everyone here is helping me. I am so very grateful and so very sorry I was willing to turn my back on the good work we are doing here, supporting each other, learning from each other.

Even the worst of times get glimmers of hope thrown back at us to keep us keepin' on.

I hope things are well with you and that you are still have positive results from your sits and your attention to doing those things that ground you and restore you power and hope.

I feel ready to sit again. I am going to go out for a nice, refreshing and rejuvinating walk in the rain. I am back in the game again. phew... that was a rough one.

Thanks so much to you both ((((((Sundog))))))) and ((((((SS)))))))) for making it safe to share what's going on in my head. I get to feeling so alone with my train wreck of a life. I get so confused and obsess about how real is the mental illness versus how much am I convincing myself of disabilities. I could identify with the conflicts and inner pain that you both shared about. The panic, the anxiety, fearing the worst scenarios, feeling so alone with it all. I feel for both of your struggles, and wish that I could do something to make it better for you. I'm so grateful for you being there for me. SS, I'm glad that things turned around, and that your sister and your ex will be a source of help and support.

I think we are very much alone in our 'real lives' especially at the worst of times. No matter how many people are around offering support the illness divides us. We can't connect. We are different. We are alone among normals. A breeding ground for loneliness and self doubt.

If we thought it through logically we might ask, 'who would make this kind of stuff up? Have we not begged and pleaded to be free of the symptoms that dog us? Have we not worked out butts off to keep getting up when the symptoms knock us down? For what reason would we impose any of this upon ourselves? If we just wanted to pull off a scam so we could opt out of life is this how we would choose to do it? If so would that not be a sign of mental illness in itself?'

Or perhaps if I can convince myself that there is no illness then that will mean I can fix myself. Poof!! Everything would go back to normal in the wink of an eye if I just put aside any notion of mental illness. Isn't that just another version of denial? I know for me it was the years and years of denial that made the symptoms worse. I thought I could push them away but their grip just got tighter. Accepting I in fact just might be facing an actual mental illness proved to be the turning point in the direction of recovery.

I believe in spite of everything we need to focus more on our gains then our relapses.

The most significant cause for my turnaround from last night to this morning was the renewal of hope that there were still options yet to be found. That I am not doomed to a life dependant on others to keep me alive. My need for help might only be temporary.

Oddly, I feel grateful to my ex even if it came from his own fears, for giving me a glimpse of what still might be possible. For renewing my faith in myself that I can live with this illness and have a full and satisfying life. He gave me cause to think outside the box I was putting myself into by allowing the stamp of disabled define me. It is not a given that because we have a mental illness that presents lots and lots of challenges that it automatically mean we are disabled. We are able. We are sooooo able. We just might need special accomodation sometimes. That is what keeps us working towards recovery. It will come but it just might not come the way we think it should or as fast as we want.

Okay... I know I am rambling. I seem to get excited when I turn the tables on doubt and let renewed hope lift me up to believe in myself again. When renewed hope returns I feel the power return along side of it. Telling myself over and over again that 'this' is not my fault. I did not choice this, but I can learn to cope, to live a fulfilling live and to maybe even experience happiness again. I am closer then I was 10 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 months again, before we came together here even with the ups and downs. Truth be told I am making gains. We are all making gains but sometimes we are just too close to see it. Like when people say to me, 'wow your son has really grown' and I look at him and realize I hadn't even noticed because I am around him everyday. It happened too gradually for me to see.

Wow! I'm really thrilled to hear how things have turned around ((((((((ss))))))))) That's amazing! Wow! I'm so happy that your ex apologized and that he is now being so cooperative and supportive. How exciting that you are planning to work on a joint business venture! Even better, you have some contract work lined up right away! Yay!! That is all such good news! So happy too that your sister has offered some financial help if need be.

I hope you had a refreshing walk and a healing sit. I'm so very glad to hear that you are back in the game!!!