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Old Jan 18, 2012, 01:09 PM
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Why is it that when ever I worry about something enough that I want myself hurt??? Why is it that I want the pain just to escape from the mental pain? Why is it that sui and si are the only things I can think about? Why do I have to keep living like this? Why is it that nothing works? Why is it that I feel like I need to drop out of school for this semester? Why is it that I can't think? Why is it that the anxiety level has to keep increasing? WHY????

I had to vent my mind keeps going to the painfull way out of things, wanting the pain so much to just to see the pain that I really feel. My head is killing me, and nothing works to take the pain away. What is left for me to try??? Why is it that I want to cut, since my other method doesn't do any harm at all? Why do I want this so badly? Why do I have to deal with this?
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  #2  
Old Jan 18, 2012, 01:41 PM
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Puzzclar, I think that you have to talk about all of the things that have been bothering you and all of the feelings that you have stuffed inside.
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  #3  
Old Jan 18, 2012, 01:48 PM
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Well here goes then....

I hate the med that they put me on, it makes me hyperactive and cutting down the dose I dont' think is going to work.
I hate the fact that I can't stay focused long enough to study.
I can't deal with my mind right now, I don't want to be here, I don't even want to talk about what's going on. My mind is very painfull and nothing takes that pain away.
No one knows this, well now everyone will. I don't want to be in school, I would rather be working and dealing with this, but even then the side effects could intervere with my job..... Nothing seems to be working, and the things I really want I can't have because it would hurt those I love more.
I can't deal with this for to much longer with out someone to really to talk to, but I just don't want to here these words in any order. " I think it's best for you to go back to the hospital" I don't want to hear it. I know things are bad, and if someone irl found out then I would have to be watched every second of the day.
I can't deal with this, I don't want to deal with this, I wish it would all just go away, and leave me out of all of this....

SO WHY? Why do I keep dealing with things and not just giving up control of everything? I hate this life, nothing seems to change, I can't get it to change long enough to feel good. I can't get my doc to listen, Why do I keep myself going through so much pain. WHY?

That's as much as I can get out.... here anyways. I hate this med, I hate it I hate it!!
  #4  
Old Jan 18, 2012, 06:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puzzclar View Post
I don't even want to talk about what's going on. My mind is very painfull and nothing takes that pain away.

I don't want to be in school,

the things I really want I can't have because it would hurt those I love more.

I can't deal with this for to much longer with out someone to really to talk to, but I just don't want to here these words in any order. " I think it's best for you to go back to the hospital"

I can't deal with this, I don't want to deal with this, I wish it would all just go away, and leave me out of all of this....
Puzz, I don't know what you have locked away in your heart and mind but it needs to come out. I don't think that you can medicate this away.
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #5  
Old Jan 18, 2012, 10:51 PM
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What do you mean by medicate this way???? The thing I have locked away is suicide. the thoughts come, and I don't even know where they come from. It's irrational to want death so much just because of mental pain. I just don't like feeling suicidal all throughout the day, and it never really disappearing. I've tried to escape it, I've tried to not talk about it, I've tried to describe the mental pain. I've tried to tell people that the thoughts of suicide come from thin air. It's not rational, and it's not me. But when I try to tell people it comes out wrong or they don't understand.

If that made any sense.
  #6  
Old Jan 19, 2012, 08:30 AM
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Where is your mental pain coming from?
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #7  
Old Jan 19, 2012, 11:48 AM
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The amount of information that is pulsing through my mind. The images that come. All of the thoughts of suicide that come regularly out of thin air.
  #8  
Old Jan 19, 2012, 03:37 PM
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Puzz, I don't believe that feeling suicidal comes out of thin air. When you describe your pain you never mention your feelings. Could it be that you are suicidal because you ignore your feelings? Do you understand what in your past has gotten you to this point in your life?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #9  
Old Jan 19, 2012, 05:16 PM
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I don't understand why they came about (they meaning the suicidal thoughts) I thought I was fine, and then I remember feeling something that I have never felt before, and read in a Chicken soup for the soul book, and that's when the suicidal thoughts started. After that I found different ways to use. This all started my summer before my senior year of high school.

I guess you could say I ignore feelings, it's the only thing that I have known. I never saw my parents fight which could be good, and could be bad. I never felt comfortable talking to others about what I was feeling, because I didn't know what to call what I felt, vrs what others are feeling. I could feel what others were going through, but didn't know what to call it.

This is all frustrating to me, and when it gets to the point that I've felt like I've lost control then my mind searches for ways out. But good news, I found a new T and 2 groups that may help me to deal with things. I'm scared about spending 3 hours a week, but it's better than spending a week in the hospital again. And that starts next week.
  #10  
Old Jan 19, 2012, 06:45 PM
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Puzz, I'm really glad that you have a new T and some groups. I really hope that you focus on your feelings with these professionals.

Having to stay in control sounds exhausting. There is another way to live.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #11  
Old Jan 20, 2012, 04:18 AM
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I can understand your feelings PC. It's frustrating when you express your feelings saying something that can't perfectly express what you actually want others to know. And when others don't understand you regret saying all that. Whatever comes in your mind regarding to your feelings, try to share it with us. I think i can understand as i've also experienced it. Hope your new therapist will be better for you.
  #12  
Old Jan 20, 2012, 10:27 AM
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Life in general is exhausting. It feels like every moment protecting a huge secret. I have tried to keep myself in places where others are when I'm not doing so well, to hopefully stay safe. Last night I didn't feel safe in my own apartment... there's something wrong with that one. I felt that if I stayed there I would have done something bad, so I left, and shot a game of pool to try and get the frustrations out of the day... it kind of helped. Class is going to start in like 35 minutes, and I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready for the quiz, I get part of it, but my mind is not really with me. It's stuck on feeling dizzy, and the sui thoughts. I"m doing my best to stay in public areas until the thoughts disappear, but it's hard keeping up this edge of everything is going just fine. So yes, Life is exhausting
  #13  
Old Jan 20, 2012, 04:31 PM
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #14  
Old Jan 21, 2012, 07:57 AM
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Yes certainly it is. Most of the time we have to fight our urges. You know what mostly stops me from suicide and self injury is tool unavailability. Have you ever planned suicide PC? If yes, then share your all possible plans. Disclosing them and terminating all means can help you.
  #15  
Old Jan 21, 2012, 02:04 PM
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But at the same time telling those methods here isn't very safe for others. I can't do that. and yes I have planned, many times. I'm at a library to stop being at home alone with the tools available. I'm trying to ask people to stay with me when I have to be at home. I don't want to keep asking, but if I don't, I'm afraid that I would use it as an opportunity. I'm scared of my actions, so I stay way from where I could actually do them. I don't want to go back to the hospital, I can do this as an out-patient. I have to. I have to try to handle this by myself. My pdoc does know, I left a message, but that's it. A few people around me know, and that's all I want them to know. Talking about what I have planned, just doesn't work for me. don't worry though there is no date set. No actual intent to do so. But I have to get back to studying Stress... my timer went off, got to get back to it.
  #16  
Old Jan 21, 2012, 02:51 PM
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Suicide is always simmering on a burner somewhere in the back of my mind. I've had myself admitted to the hospital 2.5 times when my emotions and feelings got so overwhelming I actually tried to act on it.

Notice I said I HAD MYSELF ADMITTED ... The reason why is because that decision is ours and ours alone. No one can save us from it if that is what we ultimately decide to do.

I believe that it became such an ingrained coping mechanism for me (along with my self-injury, an eating disorder, and some other things) that it will probably always be there like an insurance policy .. a way out so to speak for when the emotional and physical pain finally do become way too much to bear. Heck, I even find myself thinking about it here, yonder and there to this very day.

With that being said, my abusers messed me up in a lot of ways, and when I first entered therapy back in 1993 (at 33.5 years of age), I never thought I'd be happy or laugh or enjoy anything in life ever again. It took several years for that first inkling of joy to come back, but it did, and now I am so glad I didn't actually follow through with it. So was my therapist, and we talked openly about it often. Things aren't always good now, but they're a far sight better looking than they were way back when. Trust me on this (if you can).

Do me a favor, put it on a back burner ... It's not going anywhere ... Then discuss it with your therapist. Most of all, give yourself time, please? Time truly does help to lesson the intensity of whatever it is we're going through at the moment. Please don't solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution when there are so many other options out there, okay?

Sincerely and With A Heartfelt Hug,
BrokenCloud
  #17  
Old Jan 21, 2012, 03:07 PM
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I'm trying to give myself time, another reason for me staying in public places. The thing that scares me the most is the simple fact that I found a way out that would work. It's scary when as you attempt to put in on a back burner, that the thoughts intensify, and start to freak me out. I was hospitalized a week ago, I don't want to go back so quickly. I know what I'm thinking, and I know I have to get it out of me. I wrote it down, and plan to destroy it.

I am just starting with a new therapist, and I don't know how comfortable I will be with her. Given my state of mind. I'm 23 and I've been dealing with this since I was 17. (5.5 years so far) I've had countless thoughts of suicide, and self injury. I know when things are getting bad, and they seem to get bad on the weekends, and when I'm alone. Oh and, I'm alone now except for those studying around me in other cubicles.

I'm attempting to put it on a back burner, but it's just not working. Any thoughts to get it there?
  #18  
Old Jan 21, 2012, 04:04 PM
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Instead of destroying it, share it with and discuss it with your therapist. That should be an interesting ice breaker for a new one. Also, feel free to print out what I said and share that with her too. It may help her to realize that they can only help us up to a certain point and that no matter how many times they try to stop us that ultimately the decision lies within us.

Every time you talk frankly with her (and any therapist you may have in the future ... I've had several different ones) it will lessen the power you think it has over you.

Good Luck & Best Wishes!

  #19  
Old Jan 21, 2012, 04:20 PM
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The other thing is I hate talking about it (meaning suicide) even with my pdoc, I don't say everything. It's almost like I don't want it to go away all the way. I was able to concentrate for a few minutes, but right now it's hard to deal with. I am trying to stay in the Library, but I'm a bit distracted, a friend of mine said that he would call today... he hasn't yet...and I know I can't tell him everything but, to just have him there, it could help. To try and focus on my studies, and him could help. He has some power over me, and I like it. I just wonder if he is okay with being there for me, when he to has had depression, and been in the hospital (oddly enough the same number of times I have been). I want support, but I'm scared to admit, or even show someone what I have written.
  #20  
Old Jan 22, 2012, 03:23 AM
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Hope talking to friend have helped you PC. And i guess it would be ok for him to listen you. One of my friends also have depression and i don't share with her, afraid that she might get upset but whenever she shares her problem, i like to hear her. Though it upsets me but doesn't triggers me for any bad action. I also don't want to talk about suicide because i want to keep this option open for me but i always remind myself that i'm not supposed to use it. You also constantly remind your mind that you'll NEVER do it. You have courage to beat up such urges!

Last edited by stern; Jan 22, 2012 at 04:34 AM.
  #21  
Old Jan 22, 2012, 06:50 PM
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Well, after a lot of talking, I'm still here. talking with friends helped, the thoughts are finally on the back burner. It was hard. and It took several hours. all I can say is I made it through all that happened in the last 24 hours. I kind of think the new med is to blame.
  #22  
Old Jan 23, 2012, 10:22 AM
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__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #23  
Old Jan 23, 2012, 11:51 AM
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Anxiety: High
Suicidal thoughts: High
Studying: How can I?
Racing thoughts: Many
Attempting to deal with things: attempting

I don't know what to do. I'm around people, but it still doesn't matter, the thoughts just keep coming. I'm attempting to try and study, but right now, it seems impossible. I should attempt to study, but it's just not working, my mind is racing, trying to find some way to get relief from all of this, but even that is not working.

SCREAM!!!!!!!!
  #24  
Old Jan 23, 2012, 12:14 PM
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WHen is your appt. with your new T? You need to unload these thoughts on a professional.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #25  
Old Jan 23, 2012, 01:48 PM
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Tomorrow. Just like my pdoc apt. Both tomorrow.

I almost want to try and bump up the pdoc one, so as to try a new med that just might work for a change... (I counted, I've been on 16 different meds and only 3-5 of them worked for a few months) I just hope with the stuff that I have put together, it may just help the pdoc to see it, and to come up with an idea of something that could work..... here's for hoping.
Thanks for this!
Sannah
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