the slippery slope

Trigger

I am sliding fast…can't seem to stop…there is nothing to grab onto…not sure I even want something to grab onto anymore. How much emotional torture can one be expected to endure?

Self-harmed…again. I just feel I need to be punished because I can't cope. Why? Why do I resort to the harm. The suicidal thoughts…

Didn't expect to still feel this way after all this time.

I have done the therapy, I have been inpatient in Psych Unit a few times for months each time, I am taking the meds…I have been thought coping strategies yet I don't use them. So, do I want to get better? Or am I just resorting to self-sabotage?

The dialectic remains. I can't see where I can go from here?


Can't do it anymore…

I agree. I just started up agin after a good six years of coping "healthily". The biggest problem I am facing us that I just WANT to do it and I am angry that it is not socially accepted therefore I can't. I don't want to go back to therapy or treatment because I already know all that stuff I just choose not to use it.

I have no advice I just wanted you to know you are not alone. There are people who truly understand. Sorry I can't actually help.

I feel the same way often. Unfortunately I can't kill myself without hurting someone else. So, I found thinking of just being dead soothing. A way to let go of everything. It helped keep me going, oddly.

But things got better when I saw what I was missing and could take action on it. I can't say that applies to you; not everyone is wired that way nor is missing something factual as I was.

Sometimes I had to escape to fantasyland - what if everything were perfect. Eases some pain.

George Carlin: you're human; you're guilty. On the other hand, punishment is not really effective rehab. It's like revenge, kind of a sick attitude, from a certain point of view. So, if I believe that, it helps me stop being that way to myself sometimes.

Just wracking my brains here for you, BF. It may be none of it is useful, but I hope it isn't worse than useless.

Well, my draft is printed - I must go back to work.

Thanks to you both for your replies. I am falling apart. I know what you are saying h3rmit regarding if you died you would hurt someone else? Yes, punishment is a revenge…yet I feel I deserve to punish myself for not being any better after all this time…just still existing.

The way I'm thinking is that I'm living in unbearable pain. There are people I love and they love me…is it fair on me to just exist so that they don't have to suffer?

Does that make any sense to anyone? I don't want to be in this pain anymore, I don't want to feel like I'm merely existing and full of intense pain.

I dunno anymore…

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. You are not alone either. Feels crap though doesn't it. I just don't want to be here…I'm drained.

Hi BF -
No, it's not fair, of course not. I don't feel it's fair to me. It's my choice what I do. I don't want to trigger anyone, and I won't hand out instructions, but I know I could end my life if I chose. I could even make it appear an accident, but my sweetie would know it isn't, just because he knows me. Still it's my choice. I am free. I don't always feel free.

The pain - there are many ways to heal pain. I chase these. I assume you have, and have not had adequate success. (Me either, though the past couple days are somewhat good.)

Life does seem futile and insane most of the time. You can see that from what I posted when I came here a couple months ago.

I try to cultivate a sense of humour. (Sounds silly, but it's serious - and silly.)

>Yes, punishment is a revenge…yet I feel I deserve to punish myself for not being any better after all this time…just still existing.

This is the part that is illogical to me. You feel it - feelings are not logical. We must not let them rule us, ultimately, or we lose. I know it's hard, though, because I've failed more times than Mcdonald's has sold a hamburger. (They used to have signs saying "jillions sold" etc. I don't know if they still do.)

Okay, off to the figure captions for me (another part of the draft -- end of term here).

Hi BF, how are you doing today? I know the slippery slope can last a long time. Funny how unstable is so stable sometimes. Grr.

Question: how do you feel about cruelty? Do you think it can solve anything? No obligation to reply; I just found that question worth thinking about for myself. Cruelty to self and kindness to a cat is somewhat inconsistent. I love cats and they love me. I do understand that self-injury masks other pains, just based on my own experience of using it that way. But it's been a long time and I've left that behind, thankfully.

I hope you're feeling some relief today or soon. But I realize it may not be the case.

I know this feeling well. I'm there right now as a matter of fact. I finally decided going back to therapy would be a good thing and in the process have gotten a new support person that I can call and isn't connected to my therapist which I meet for the first time on this coming Monday. I don't have much advice. Just letting you know you aren't alone.

This may sound stupid, (and I don't fear sounding stupid anymore, but maybe I should) but I've found that whenever at my breaking point, I found that all I needed was a good long nap. People on this site know I have sleep apnea, but i think it has something to do with my schitzoaffective illness too. how many different meds have you tried in your life? Were you diagnosed with any other mental health issues? How often do you get to see your doc or T? I find if I can't see my T as scheduled i get all cranky and feel left out. I also feel like sleeping all the time sometimes which is no good either. I am trying to come up with some suggestions for you, I hope you don't hurt yourself, that would really make me feel bad!!!!!!!!!Please call someone if you do.

Yes, I understand this. I'm old. My life has been just one mess after another... mostly caused by me... I'm like poison ivy.

I'm worn out. If I were honest with myself, I think I would have to admit that I don't really want to get better even if I could. But I know I can't. I just want to die... to cease to exist... to have it all be over. But I can't... well I could. But I would do even more damage than I've already done.

Still... why should I have to endure this constant agony so that others don't have to hurt? I keep up this constant charade of being just a normal everyday sort of person; while inside I'm close to being psychotic. I feel like a pressure cooker 24/7. How much should we be expected to endure for the sake of others? Sometimes I feel like my whole life has been lived trying to be what others wanted. And in the process, I've just managed to screw everything up. I'm ready to go any time...

I hope this doesn't add to your own misery Beautiful. But your post touched me deeply. It's where I live. I wish I had an answer. I don't. Maybe just go back into the hospital another time. ECT? I've never had it...although it has been suggested. Sometimes I think I'd like to go back to the psych ward. I could be crazy there. It was a relief. But I can't. Too embarrassing... have to just keep plodding along on my own... Maybe if you can find a way to keep going, I can too. My very best wishes to you!

Bedobones, I feel that way too. I often feel how BF does, except I don't believe in punishment. I believe in kindness. I don't mean to be shinyhappypullyourbootsup in by what I posted above. I described what I do, but I do remember not being able to do it too. And the painful feelings are under there and come up easily. Counselling has never helped, despite ~10 different counsellors. Just one I had briefly who actually had empathy felt good, but did it change anything?

Anyway . . . it's hard. Circumstances are hard to change, but if they can be improved it gives some relief. The deeper stuff, I don't know.

A lot of what you have written is like reading some of the stuff I think and post.

Are we merely existing to stop the suffering of others? What a huge price to pay…this mere existence. I don't know how much more I can take, I do not know.

I have tried to interact a bit around forums here today…I am drained. My thoughts haven't changed, my feelings and urges haven't lessened.

I just don't know what else to say. Thank you to everyone for replying when there is so much going on in your own lives. You each have offered me support, suggestions and kind words. For that, I am truly grateful.

> Are we merely existing to stop the suffering of others?

I hope not. I committed to try and work with what I have to make something of it. I feel like a hero often, for trying. On the other hand, I feel like giving up often, etc. I don't want to start the litany, but it's there.

Well, back to work.

I think of it as existing until I find a way to take control of my life and manage my depression. I think of my wife and that helps me hold on until I can be happy again. Maybe not existing, but surviving. I think in some ways depression is worse than a physical illness. At least with a physical illness you usually have a cause and I chance for healing. It seams with depression it is a mystery to most people and you have to sort through deep issues and change how you fundamental react to life to improve it. The constant despair and hopelessness can take a lot of energy and will to fight, but I think we have to search within us to keep holding on, and fight depression. I think there is the hope to be happy one day and not feel the constant despair of depression. I hope everyone fighting depression has the strength to hang on and can be happy again one day soon.

I feel I am letting everyone down. I guess I'm drained from trying. Drained from the constant self-destruction.

Your not letting me down. We all struggle and sometimes we struggle for a long time before we find our way.

I don't know who everyone is -- family, partner, people on this website -- but it sounds like compounded burdens. Sounds like you need to receive, heal, not be pressured to try. I hope some of your pains are lifted and you find some comfort and healing. Chronic pain makes me want to die too. Just last night I cried myself to sleep for such reasons. I wish you joy, peace, and a ray of sunlight.

I apologise for my lack of clarity, I am immense emotional and physical pain now. I guess I meant I am letting myself down, P down and my dad and brother. I'm crying and shaking. I'm so low-functioning…that's sad. BPD and the depression and my other "stuff" is killing me. I'm killing me…I don't even know what I'm saying now.

Sorry to hear you were crying too last night/night before. My heart goes out to you. Thanks for sending some sun.

It's a constant struggle. I am drained.

Thanks for your support.

Thank you, and I am sorry I only replying now.

Sorry to hear you have sleep apnea, I have an enemy…chronic insomnia!

To answer some of your questions as best I can. Yes, I am on a lot of meds and been on countless different ones.

I have BPD, MDD, I engage in self-harm and suicide attempts. Some other things. Plus chronic pain.

I have been in therapy…counselling, CBT and DBT.

I have been in Psych Services here for over 20yrs, so, basically since I was a teen.

Thanks for all your suggestions, you are very kind.

Read your OP, if I'm honest I see self harm as the lesser of two evils if the only other option was suicide. No, it's not socially acceptable, but sometimes we need to cope how we know, and sometimes, that is through self harming.
Someone I know who suffers with bipolar disorder, taught herself to tattoo. She now tattoos herself if she has that need to self harm because tattoos are for the most part, socially acceptable. I'm not saying you should do the same, but somehow she turned it into something more positive in a way, she's covered in some lovely artwork. I don't know if you can find an alternative, but try not to beat yourself up over this. I think so many go through ups and downs, periods of self harm and then nothing, sometimes for years. Then life becomes stressful, or something in your head just snaps and you go back to what you've always known.

I did try things in the past like using red pen instead of actual. Ice cubes and that sort of stuff. They were only brief reprieve.

Thank you, yes I agree the harm is the lesser of the two…part of me is frightened the harm could go too far. However another part is hoping it will. Aghhhhh, I know I'm not making sense.

Thank you so much for your reply and your suggestions.