[celtic.starlite]

I went two years free of SI. I went thru a scary situation about a month and a half ago, then a couple weeks later I started to feel like it was my fault and I SI'd. Then a week later I SI'd again. I have been fighting the urges since. Last week was the first week that I went almost every day without the urge. Sunday and Monday I caught myself looking at and tracing my scars. Today the urge is back. I hate that I screw up and fell back into old habits.

[Fuzzybear]

I understand. I'm sending safe hugs and support

[Frankbtl]

Hi celtic, two years are seriously NOT down the drain!!! They happened!!! They're yours!!! And yours to hold on to, it sounds like that was a massive achievement for you!!! Don't undersell them for a second!!!
Now you know that, that at least is what you have been able to do/what you can do!!!
I'm not trivializing in any way the urges you're having now, I know they can be SO powerful. And yes maybe you need some extra support to get back on the road you were on but that doesn't mean you're right back at square one at all. And maybe a bit of reflection of things that have worked for you before in stopping may help???".
And keep on talking to us, lots of supportive ideas, advice and understanding on here. So whatever you want to talk about............
Alison

[celtic.starlite]

Thanks for the replies.

What helped me before was not realizing how screwed up my at the time roommate was and thinking it was my fault she would SI since she always cut after she knew I did. I thought it was my fault and I didn't like to see that she was hurting herself so I stopped. I didn't know/realize at the time that she had issues and was actually copying me so she could get attention. She would run to everyone she knew and tell the she cut. I have since cut all ties with her.

Right now the urges are so strong and the only reason I havent cut yet is because I haven't been home. I don't even want to fight the urges and that scares me because I think I have always faught the urges until I couldn't anymore. I normally use a shaving razor so I can't accidentally go too deep and today, I don't care what I use. I just don't care.

[Frankbtl]

Hi celtic, maybe getting back to the route of where it started might help a bit??? Something about home?????
If you want to talk about it a bit...................????? But if you don't right now, maybe remember that whatever, for whatever reasons, you DID have the strength to stop!!!! Nothing's going to take that away from you, NOTHING!!!! And that was all about YOU, YOU managed it!!!. You put everything else aside, and you had the strength to resist those urges. You can do it!!!
I know, right now it might take a little more support/help to manage/resist those urges again, but it is possible- you've shown that. So one step at a time, hey?? It's sounding like you're trying as hard as you can, and that's all you can do.
There are threads at the top of this forum which may help a bit..........reasons not to.......things to do instead of hurting yourself...............but if you want to talk more about what's going on for you.........sometimes just talking/putting it out there can help....and if we can give you anymore support..........
And "bottom line" (!!!) here for you, whatever you want to talk about.............
Alison

[celtic.starlite]

I looked at the reasons not to and I'm not sure that helps at all. Nobody cares about me so nobody will be hurt if I do it (my family thinks my cutting is just something else to joke about). Also, right now I don't care about who sees the scars or what they think.

Alison, are you meaning what happened to cause me to cut again or what did you mean with " getting back to the route of where it started"?

[Frankbtl]

Originally Posted by celtic.starlite

I looked at the reasons not to and I'm not sure that helps at all. Nobody cares about me so nobody will be hurt if I do it (my family thinks my cutting is just something else to joke about). Also, right now I don't care about who sees the scars or what they think.

Alison, are you meaning what happened to cause me to cut again or what did you mean with " getting back to the route of where it started"?

Hi celtic, I'm sorry your family seem so unsupportive, and just don't seem to "get it". SI should never be seen as a joke!!. I don't know i it would help if you opened up to them a bit more and told them what it's really like...........??? But if not then I'd say that they really aren't worthy of any of the pain their reactions may be causing you. And maybe try to leave their attitudes where they belong.....nowhere!!!
As for people not caring about you, then you are going to find lots of caring people on here who will think/feel that you really matter, and we're here for you!!
It would be really good if you could start caring a little more for yourself as well though. You deserve that!! I know that can sometimes be SO hard, but perhaps we could help you just a little there too............

With the route of where it started I was actually thinking of any things that happened to you which gave you the need to start previously. And whether those things were having an effect on you still, whether they were still there "in the background" for you.
But if you think it would be more helpful/relevant to either pinpoint some of the feelings attached to the cutting itself, or the trigger that started it off again this time............might be helpful.

Alison

Celtic......... (I will try to make lemonade here)...

CONGRATULATIONS on an opportunity to start another span of two years... maybe three this time.

[celtic.starlite]

TRIGGER Warning.....

Alison, to answer your reply. I have self harmed for as long as I can remember. I would hurt myself to get my dads attention off my mom so he would beat me instead of hurting her. At some point in time I learned to use SI as a way to release everything inside. I had to learn to not show my feelings to protect myself. If I cried then what every kind of abuse I was enduring would be worse. "Conceal don't feel"

About two months ago I was the victim of an attempted rape. Then I realized that I set myself up for it. That is when I first cut this time. The next cut was a release of the overwhelming feelings. The urges now is the same... too much stuffed inside and I don't know how to let it out. (My therapist just started working on helping me learn to feel).

*hugs* to you celtic.

[Frankbtl]

Hi celtic, first of all attempted rape is attempted rape!! You didn't ask for that to happen so no "setting yourself" up there!!! You shouldn't carry any blame for what happened to you at all!!!
I can see that that must have been really traumatizing for you though even if that's being "bottled up" it doesn't just "go away". Just the same as the abuse you suffered before, which must have been really painful in whatever way it showed. And perhaps your feelings after the attempted rape both added to, and brought back what happened to you before in a very real way.
It is really good that you're now seeing a therapist though. It can be a long, hard road towards coming to terms with, accepting and moving on........and very few people can do that all by themselves. Make sure you guide the therapy as much as your therapist though. Although some things you need to work on might be really hard, if you find it's not helping, or going in the wrong direction, or going too fast, don't hesitate in letting them know that. They're there to help you.
And maybe you could do with some other support alongside the therapy, do you think?? I don't know if you've heard of RAINN who offer support with rape and abuse, but I know a lot of people have found them very helpful. Attaching the link, in case it might help:
RAINN.org | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network
And of course (!!) we're here whenever you want to talk too.
Alison

[celtic.starlite]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

*hugs* to you celtic.

Thank you, not sure I deserve them though.

[celtic.starlite]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi celtic, first of all attempted rape is attempted rape!! You didn't ask for that to happen so no "setting yourself" up there!!! You shouldn't carry any blame for what happened to you at all!!!
I can see that that must have been really traumatizing for you though even if that's being "bottled up" it doesn't just "go away". Just the same as the abuse you suffered before, which must have been really painful in whatever way it showed. And perhaps your feelings after the attempted rape both added to, and brought back what happened to you before in a very real way.
It is really good that you're now seeing a therapist though. It can be a long, hard road towards coming to terms with, accepting and moving on........and very few people can do that all by themselves. Make sure you guide the therapy as much as your therapist though. Although some things you need to work on might be really hard, if you find it's not helping, or going in the wrong direction, or going too fast, don't hesitate in letting them know that. They're there to help you.
And maybe you could do with some other support alongside the therapy, do you think?? I don't know if you've heard of RAINN who offer support with rape and abuse, but I know a lot of people have found them very helpful. Attaching the link, in case it might help:
RAINN.org | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network
And of course (!!) we're here whenever you want to talk too.
Alison

Thanks, Alison. No I don't think I've heard of RAINN before.

[celtic.starlite]

Woke up this morning feeling nothing, numb. Maybe this is a good thing right now, though this feeling can cause the urges to get worse eventually too. I need this to pass because I don't know how much longer I can fight. I almost gave in last night, I didn't break the skin completely but I do have a mark from where I almost cut. I hate that this is happening on a holiday weekend because my therapist will be out of reach.
I keep thinking if I just give in then the urges will stop, but will they? Sometimes they don't. I just want it to stop.

Originally Posted by celtic.starlite

Thank you, not sure I deserve them (hugs) though.

Speaking as the giver of the hugs... YES - you do deserve them.

[celtic.starlite]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

Speaking as the giver of the hugs... YES - you do deserve them.

OK
Thank you.

[Frankbtl]

Originally Posted by celtic.starlite

Woke up this morning feeling nothing, numb. Maybe this is a good thing right now, though this feeling can cause the urges to get worse eventually too. I need this to pass because I don't know how much longer I can fight. I almost gave in last night, I didn't break the skin completely but I do have a mark from where I almost cut. I hate that this is happening on a holiday weekend because my therapist will be out of reach.
I keep thinking if I just give in then the urges will stop, but will they? Sometimes they don't. I just want it to stop.

Really well done on pulling back there last night!!! And you're right, if you do give into the urges they are so unlikely to stop. In fact chances are they're going to be coming back even stronger.
But with your T being out of reach, do you think you could still imagine some of the things they may say if you told them how it is for you right now???
Perhaps even write down some of your feelings for their return as well???
But you still have us to talk to remember!!! I know it isn't the same but any support we/I can give you..............
Alison

[celtic.starlite]

Thank you.
What would my T say? She'd just ask me to keep fighting the urges and I'm trying. I don't know what I am feeling. I feel like a child, who doesnt know how to explain anything.

[celtic.starlite]

Tonight, my anxiety is high. My hands are shaking. The urges are very strong, but the anxiety feels like is overpowering the urges. It is starting to feel like this may never get better.

People who think SI is just an attention getter or something to make fun of need to feel the struggles those of us who suffer from SI go thru. Tonight the urges and anxiety are running my life. I'm not sure it would feel this way if it were just an attention getter.

[celtic.starlite]

I was going to stay away from this thread all day, but I decided I wanted to give an update.

I woke up this morning not feeling anything (emotionally). I felt like the urges were still there but at the same time they weren't. I have done a lot of outside work today and have kept myself pretty busy. I don't feel so overwhelmed. I have had a few times where I have felt my anxiety kick in (right now being one of those times), but for the most part I have gone all day without really feeling anything. I don't know if that is good or bad in the long run, but right now I think it is what is keeping the urges from being so strong.

Thank you all for all of your support.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Celtic, SORRY I missed your posts yesterday, but really good that today has been alright for you. Distraction/activity can sometimes help a lot and that sounds like something that might be helpful to you here and there/at times along the way.
Of course sometimes when things come to a "standstill" after being so busy, it can leave an "empty space" for anxiety........to creep in. So maybe see that you're still focusing on yourself/taking care of yourself afterwards too? Maybe something relaxing/peaceful to do? Or has your T given you any "coping strategies" to use if..........? But then mindfulness can sometimes be helpful too??
But thanks for the up-date!! And.............still here for you.
Alison

[celtic.starlite]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Celtic, SORRY I missed your posts yesterday, but really good that today has been alright for you. Distraction/activity can sometimes help a lot and that sounds like something that might be helpful to you here and there/at times along the way.
Of course sometimes when things come to a "standstill" after being so busy, it can leave an "empty space" for anxiety........to creep in. So maybe see that you're still focusing on yourself/taking care of yourself afterwards too? Maybe something relaxing/peaceful to do? Or has your T given you any "coping strategies" to use if..........? But then mindfulness can sometimes be helpful too??
But thanks for the up-date!! And.............still here for you.
Alison

Hi Alison,

No need to apologize. I dont even remember what I posted yesterday, and I'm not going to go look right now. I know the possibility of a trigger is there if I look at those posts right now. I'm not out of the woods yet, but at least I can see a light at the end of the tunnel right now.

I have several pages of coping strategies, I try to remember to look at them but I do forget that I have them sometimes. I'll take a look at them again and see what I could try when the anxiety creeps up.

Thank you!

Celtic

[Frankbtl]

Hi Celtic, it can take some time to come out of the woods. The feelings you've had/have can be very real but that doesn't have to mean that you're not going in the right direction. Which it certainly sounds like you are. Really pleased for you!!
Every urge you fight off counts, every "good" morning/afternoon/day in amongst it all counts whatever!!
And maybe practice those coping strategies a bit regardless (if you aren't already!!) so as they're more "familiar" when you really need them. And hang with us, any support we/I can give.......here for you......
Alison

[celtic.starlite]

Thank you, Alison.

I didn't sleep well last night. :-( I had some nightmares. I also had a dream that I gave in. The urges are stronger than they were yesterday but not as strong as they were before yesterday. It is early morning so I am trying to be hopeful that things will only get better with the day.

Thanks again!
Celtic

[Frankbtl]

Hi Celtic, it's amazing how powerful and real dreams/nightmares can be!! And so not easy to detach yourself from the feelings you have in them when you're awake.
But (and I know there are plenty of interpretations out there) you can always try to put your own twist on interpreting them to help you if you can e.g. keep telling yourself that what the urges wanted/want to do you've done and your mind has allowed you to do that in a "safe way"...........while you were asleep. Your mind/you have just protected you just a bit from "reality" by doing that in a dream.
Or even try telling yourself that the cutting in your dream/nightmare may be more so a representation (not as actual cutting......but) of you cutting away the pain in your life by reaching out for help, by fighting the issues you have.
Lots of different interpretations you might be able to come up with
So when "those feelings" are following you around after a nightmare....allow yourself to try to think that you don't necessarily need to feel them.
May sound weird, but if it can help just a little............
And really good that the urges aren't as strong as they were yesterday. There may be bad days but just remind yourself there will be "better days" too.
Alison