[ThePainNeverDies]

*sigh*.

Just called a break between Connor and I. He was pestering me about coming over mine. I told him I was about to be sick and I just wanted to be alone for a while.. I had an awful morning this morning.. I woke up, looked out my window, smiling at the beautiful glistening snow outside, but then I just.. i broke down, the emotion flowed over and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wished my Foster Dad were here, to see me in the snow last night, laughing, running, throwing snowballs at Chris (teehee) and having fun. Just wanted him to be the one that I was laughing, running and having fun with.. He died the year before it snowed last and he's not ever going to be here to see me in the snow.. Ever.. So, yeah that made me really sad this morning..

Then Connor getting arsey about me wanting to be alone, the fact that i felt incredibly sick and wanting to just be alone for a while, to clear my head.. It just tipped me over the edge.. I snapped at him and said "Connor, I'm fed up of this! I just want to be alone, clear my head, I'm going top be sick, can't you see that?! And you're getting suspicious, thinking I've got something to hide?! No! I don't want you to see my messy room, I need to be alone, breathe, need to just lie down and have some peace. Give me a break!"

So he said huffily, "fine, I'll give you a break" and stormed off I called after him, but just sighed and let him walk away.. It hurt so much, but I had to do it.. He called me about 10 minutes later and asked if I think we need to take time apart.. I thought about it, stressed and sighed.. Then I just gave in to my thoughts and said; "Yes, Connor. Yes, we need to take a break.. I can't do all the hard work.. I can't take on your effort as well as mine. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and you're not making it work.. You're sitting back and expecting me to make it work, making me feel like I'm the one doing wrong, when in fact you're making no effort. We need a break to sort ourselves out. You can get help and I can carry on finding a better therapist." He said ok and we ended the call..

I've been so close to OD'ing again and cutting and I've been planning it all out, how I'll do it, where, when and what with etc. It's horrible and I just.. I don't know what to do..

He's breaking me apart by saying that when someone says "I'm on a break from my boyfriend", guys take it as the female is single, so pretend to be a shoulder to cry on and then get what they really want, out of the girl and such.. I'm trying so hard to reassure him that I'm not going to let that happen.. That yes, it's killing me having to do this, but I took his word for it last time that he'd get help and he didn't, so I'm giving him an ultimatum, like he did with me and my self harm.. I've said that the sooner he gets the help and engages in it, the sooner I will call off the break and we can be a proper couple again.. Does that sound fair?

I just.. I really, really want to S/H, or OD again.. It's really killing me..

[Sannah]

TPND, it sounds like you are finally taking care of yourself! Good work! But it is making you feel bad??????????

[ThePainNeverDies]

Yes, I'm taking care of myself

But it's Connor making me feel bad.. He just won't seem to accept that the sooner he gets help, the sooner he'll get me back.. It's not hurting me, because I know it's for the best, but it's hurting him and I know that and that hurts me..

It hurts because he was telling me all these nice things aout me last night.. He said "You hold such a high place in so many peoples' lives, they think so highly of you and you means so much to them.." Then he said; "You're so amazing.. So beautiful and compassionate, caring, loving.. No matter how s**tty you're feeling, how much crap you're going through, even if you're feeling suicidal, you still go out there and put yourself out there for people, still help people as miuch as you possibly can, even if it kills you to do it, and it's a problem that you're having but can't deal with yourself, you still help them to deal with it.. I admire you for that..." He then went on to say that he admires, and is proud of how I've been through so much s**t in my life and am still going through it, yet I have got through it and am still getting through it, that yes, I may go about coping in a way that's not the best way, but I'm still here and he admires me for being so strong..

This angered and upset me because I thought 'well why the hell didn't you say this before?! Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you say how much you admired me, appreicated me etc etc.???!!! Maybe then none of this would have happened! Maybe then, I'd have felt more appreciated by you and not done the things that I have that hurt you before.. Maybe then I wouldn't have turned to others for that appreciation and sensitivity.. Why didn't you say something dammit!! WHY??!!'

I asked him why he didn't say it before, before it was too late and he said it was because of his parents always reminding him of my wrong doings.. When in fact he wasn't telling the whole story.. He wasn't saying that he was just sitting back watching me struggle, letting me get bogged down way too much with it all, pointing out all the things I did wrong, when in fact he was the one doing the worst thing possible in not helping me at all! I was pushing the boat out for him way, way, way too much.. Yet he's been telling his parents all this stuff about me that I've done wrong.. And he's actually the one in the wrong

It hurts, it really, horribly hurts. He said that he felt it all in his heart, felt the feelings of admiration and such but could never bring them out because of his parents reminding him and him reminding, convincing himself that i was wrong, so causing him to basically hate me for something I hadn't even done..

I hate this, I really do

[Puffyprue]

(((((((((((((thepainneverdies))))))))))

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks.

*sigh* I'm uhhh. Finding it tough to say the least.. Connor thinks I'm "off" with him. Just because I'm trying not to talk to him much so he can just get on with college and get on with getting the help and such.. I'm trying to help him.. Again.. By not talking to him much.. But he just doesn't seem to get that. So I'm kinda all over the place at the moment.

I've still got the plans in my head and was so, so close to SI'ing again.. I thought 'well Chris isn't seeing me tonight, so I wouldn't have to worry about hiding it, or him seeing it if I take my jumper off or something...' So, with that thought in mind, I'm finding it tough, really tough.

I haven't been to my hypnotherapy, I really don't feel up to it.. I feel completely drained of any energy I did have..

I can't do this

[Sannah]

Connor needs to step up to the plate and be responsible. You are doing the right thing TPND! Why do you need to SI?

[ThePainNeverDies]

Because I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, I feel like I deserve to hurt more than i already am.. Both physically AND emotionally.. I deserve to die, because I'd stop hurting people then..

He's acting like we're still a couple and I just want to scream at everyone and tell the just to ***** off and leave me alone, that I've had enough of this world and a lot of the people in it, who just don't give a s**t about me, or my issues! They only people I know truly care and give a s**t are the people here.. Who reply to my posts, who talk to me in chat, who PM me to ask how I am, or whatever.. And that means a lot to me..

I just wish that at least SOMEONE IRL wouldn't be out to get something from me bu helping me

I want to die, I have to die, so why don't I just.. Die? I'm losing my mind and if anyone knew I felt this way, they'd admit me, I know they would.. If I went ot the hospital now to get cuts tended to and they asked how I feel now, I'd say I feel like OD'ing and they'd ask me to guarantee that I won't do it and I'll say no, sorry, no can do, I'll be back again you just watch and all taht.. They'll cart me off to musgrove.. I can't do this. I can't be this person anymore. (

I just want to tear my whole body to shreds, rip the sould out from within me and rattle it around, screaming at it, asking why it has to be so *******ed f**cked up and such a s**t face to me?! WHYYYY?!!!

Ugh/ I'm losing my mind and this is whe I SI.. *sob*.. Daddy come home..

[Sannah]

TPND, you are doing nothing wrong! Yes, it seems that you are around people who take a lot from you and do not give. You are doing something about this now. You know, all of us here grew up in homes where our needs were not met. This shaped us and we grew up not tending to our needs but continuing to tend to the needs of others. You are doing what all of us have done. You are coming around though. You can change this aspect of your life. You can choose different people to be around.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm trying so, so hard to be around different people and I am being with different people, but I feel like I'm asking s**t loads of them when i ask them to help me.. Especially when I talk to them for hours about stuff..

I mean, Chris, for example.. I knwo he's a professional and knows how to deal with it and such and he wouldn't have put himself out there if he didn't want to help me, but.. I just feel like I'm asking so, so much of him... I don't want to feel like this, but it feels like I'll feel this way forever and I just can't take it...

I still want to SI, I still want to OD, to die.. I'm getting closer and closer to pulling out that blade, or those pills or whatever and just doing it.. I have another plan that I'd want to use, but that'd be in a last ditch attempt to die.. I can't say what it is because everyone's watching me, everyone's going to attack me, jump on me and tie me down, stop me doing it.. Everyone will tell someone of authority what I'm going to do and I just can't let that happen..

I need to die. I'm sorry for being such a waste of time, space and energy..

[Sannah]

TPND, so you don't feel that you deserve Chris' attention? This is something that we all worked on. PLEASE day safe............

[ThePainNeverDies]

No, I don't think I deserve his attention.. Or anyone's attention for that matter. I don't deserve to be looked after, cared about, loved, helped..

All I deserve is to die.. To hurt more.. Because otherwise... Why would it have happened all my life and still be happning if I didn't deserve it? *sobs*

I'm a lost cause. Hopeless.

[Cthomas]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

No, I don't think I deserve his attention.. Or anyone's attention for that matter. I don't deserve to be looked after, cared about, loved, helped..

All I deserve is to die.. To hurt more.. Because otherwise... Why would it have happened all my life and still be happning if I didn't deserve it? *sobs*

I'm a lost cause. Hopeless.

You are not a lost cause. I just posted to you in depression, and i hope my post makes you smile if even a bit.....???

Colleen

[phoenix7]

TPND - somtimes when we make progress theres a backlash - I have felt it - somthing good happens and you feel the reverse - you have done somthing good - you have tried to look after your needs and also to help conner - its hard and its painful to change - people somtimes dont like it - they want us the way we were - but we have to change to grow and get better.

Can you call Chris and talk about it?

You DO deserve Help - You DO deserve to be loved - you Do deserve to be looked after and to look after yourself - please dont hurt yourself - things CAN GET BETTER even if they dont seem so now - things happen to us whether we deserve it or not - you are NOT a lost cause or hopeless - even in the darkest day there is hope - please be safe P7

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thankyou..

Chris came over last night and we had a chat about it.. I was quite upset at this point, but just could not cry at all.. I have money today and if I have money and I have plans of OD'ing, they don't mix well at all.. I'm scared of myself.. Of what I might do and I just.. I'm gonna mess everything up, yet again..

I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want others to hurt because of me anymore.. I want them to be rid of this Thing that's hurting them, that's making their lives a misery, that's... That's.. Depressed and angry and upset al the time *sob*

I can't believe people just keep on rubbing it in my face about how my dog, for instance loved the snow, played in it, enjoyed it without ME.. How she (as I thought she would) snuffed the snow and sneezed, blowing it into the air, jumping around in it.. God, I wish I'd been there to see it.. Just for a minute.. But Shana had to rub it in my face, the fact that I wasn't there.. So I'm just.. I'm at breaking point and I swear if they do one more thing, i will break and snap and shatter into pieces and lose it.

I don't want this.

[phoenix7]

maybe she was trying to share the moment with you - maybe she was trying to lift your spirits? try to think about your dog playing in the snow and smile inside - pets are so great - they give us unconditional love and dont judge us -

things can get better - it may not seem so now - but they can - tomorrow can be better than today - there is hope - the pain lessens with time - honestly it does - and with help - please be kind to yourself - I want you to write down all the things in your head and then on another piece of paper write down what you would say to a friend itf they had these thoughts - I bet the answers will be kinder than you are self talking at the moment - you DESERVE to be better - you DESERVE to have hope - even if you find it as I did in a stone I used to keep in my pocket with hope scratched into it - please take care of you P7

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

No, I don't think I deserve his attention.. Or anyone's attention for that matter. I don't deserve to be looked after, cared about, loved, helped..

All I deserve is to die.. To hurt more.. Because otherwise... Why would it have happened all my life and still be happning if I didn't deserve it? *sobs*

TPND, you do deserve this attention! You do deserve to be looked after, cared about, loved and helped! I come to this website and you are one of my priorities here. Do you know why? Because you deserve my attention!

Your foster family abused you because of their problems not because you deserved this abuse. Why is it still happening? I would guess because when people grow up in abusive situations they never learned how to escape from other abusive people. When you were a child how could you have escaped by yourself? Who would have taught you how? You are so capable now of learning all of this stuff and you are! Right now you are taking steps to stop the abuse from others. You are setting boundaries with Connor. Everything we know must be learned and you are now doing it!

No one is hurting because of you. If anyone around you is hurting it is their responsibility. It is not your responsibility to take care of others. Yes, you can help others but their fate is in their hands not yours. We all must be responsible for ourselves. Again, you can help others but you are not the person to take responsibility for their lives. (These are boundary issues. A person must draw boundaries around themselves that they adjust as needed according to the situation. Healthy boundaries, that you are in charge of, are vital for mental and emotional health. And yes, your education in boundaries in your foster home was abysimal. They violated your boundaries at every turn. You can learn this now, though, and you are!)

[ThePainNeverDies]

It wasn't my Foster Family.. They were the kindest people that ever loved me, that ever took me on as their own child.. It was The Adoptive Family.

She wouldn't have been trying to share the moment with me.. Well.. Ok, maybe she would a little, but more so, she wanted to rub it in my face that I wasn't there to see it.. Shana's bringing her over to see me sometime soon.. So i can cuddle her and walk her, be with her again, be her loving owner again.. They can't take her away from me, because if they tried, I'd get her back somehow.. I might try asking for her birth papers, just say that I want them in memory of her, to frame them and hang them on my wall to remind me that.. Wel.. That someone does love me..

Even if it is a dog.. A dog's love to me is more important than anything.. Of course i want love from a human, but from an animal is the thing I need most right now.. I just wish I knew a way to get a pet.. I've heard about a special pet for people with mental health difficulties and such and I just know that.. When I was in my worst state, with Shana and family, I'd just take the dog, cuddle and kiss her, breathe in her smell and she'd lick my hand and I'd cry.. Knowing that she can feel my pain.. She'd whimper at me sometimes, knowing that I'm down even if I'm hiding it..

Just playing with that bundle of fur was enough to lift me out of what could have been the worst depression ever.. But i was blamed for her cowering, because I was the one that was always in the wrong, everything was always my fault, so the arguments they had with me would make her cower and they'd shout at me for it, making her cower even more.. I hated to see that, i tried to stop it by taking her away to my room but the shouting never stopped, so I'd just feel worse.. Knowing it's my fault

I can't take much more..

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

But i was blamed for her cowering, because I was the one that was always in the wrong, everything was always my fault, so the arguments they had with me would make her cower and they'd shout at me for it, making her cower even more.. I hated to see that, i tried to stop it by taking her away to my room but the shouting never stopped, so I'd just feel worse.. Knowing it's my fault

But it wasn't your fault. Your adoptive parents were the adults in charge. It was their behavior that made the dog afraid. They chose this behavior. They chose the wrong behavior.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know, utb I st8l; feel likae it's may fault beaicause taht's waht tghey made me beolieve fof r the wohle time aoI was wijth thrm..

Soryr.. I'ma panickikndg again.. Cna't bereathe, can;tt do antyihng right a t the momeant..

Sorryrh I'm suhc a swaste o ftimew asnd space..

Giveew up

[Sannah]

What's going on TPND?

[ThePainNeverDies]

tojto muhc is fgoing on fo rrme at the momenetn. Waya soo much. I abn't take it aneyomre. I'm goinimg ot thet soph to get the tooklls i ened to egrt rid o f me. I ahve to. i ahfee; like immms sletting eveyrine down.

io cant od tiihs anyorme. I'sm sorgy evryepne. I;mrt triyng o hrard to hold ono. but its jproniving too difificukt.

sorryyr. Hepk me? Wili i be scetioned if i tallkl to omsone propelry about thihs?

I dond'kt know. soery

[Sannah]

TPND, do you need to go to the hospital?

[phoenix7]

TPND - please call someone and talk this through - or go to the hospital - you sound like you need help now - please be safe

[ThePainNeverDies]

I lost it completely.. Chris came to see me and managed to calm me down, but a couple of hours later i panicked again, managed to calm myself down, but was still having awful thoughts.. And I couldn't handle it and i acted on them

I took a mini overdose.. It started off as trying to get rid of a headache, but once I'd started I couldn't stop.. I was drinking at the time too.. So that, on top of the panic attacks caused me to collapse a couple of times, so I just went and made a snowman with Rich (first snowman I've ever made!)and kept falling over, slipping and tripping and such. It distracted me for a while, but then I just carried on drinking..

So.. Stayed up until 6am doing the snowman and such and then slept for an hour and a half, waking up to Connor's Mum calling me.. I guessed what it was about, so didn't answer.. I knew she knew somehow. Connor then called me and was kind(ish) about it, when I said it was an accident that it had started off as trying to get rid of a headache but then I just couldn't stop..

I just feel really on edge, sick, weak and shaky at the moment.. I haven't eaten anything since because I feel so sick and I can't stomach anything at all.. I'm scared of throwing it back up

I couldn't call anyone, I tried talking it through-hell- I even had a bath to calm me down, but none of it worked.. Rich and Charlene just sat there and let me do it.. Bit strange, but.. I guess they weren't really concentrating on the fact that I was taking one after the other..

I'm so drained.. Phoned nhs direct, they said to call my dr and see him, if I can't see him, go to MIU. Emily's going to come with me, unless Chris decides he wants to.

[phoenix7]

hmm "rich and charlene just sat there and let me do it" doesnt sound like somthing a friend would do - please take care of you

Im glad you contacted the NHS and that you are going to see your Dr - let us know how you go - I hope things calm down for you now P7