Husband keeps touching me in a way I don't like-Says I'm a prude- I need help!!

Hi. Ok here's my problem/story. My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. He's been very physically abusive to me occasionally over that time period. Like every three months. Anyways, we're now having a "fresh start".

The reason I mention this, is because since I've been abused, I don't even know what's normal anymore. I need advice from anyone who knows what normal should be, I guess you could say? I don't want to put this in the abuse section, because it's a sexual problem. I hope that's ok? So here's the problem: He keeps "fingering" me and has our whole relationship, despite me telling him I don't like it! I'm not talking about foreplay here. He touches my private area a lot. After we agreed to a "fresh start" just last week, this was one of the issues I brought up. That I just don't like it.

So tonight he gets home. I'm on my hands and knees looking for our daughter's lovey so she can go to sleep. He comes up behind me, and slides his finger across my private area! I was pissed. We had just talked about this last week. So I got up and told him I don't like that. He started screaming at me, telling me I'm a prude and am I a nun.

Seriously now. Am I really a prude? We've done everything in bed together, including letting him go in the "other way". So how am I a prude? I just don't like being touched down there when I'm busy around the house, or every time I bend over, or him holding me there when we're watching TV. I've told him this so many times. I thought you were supposed to be honest about what you don't like sexually? I've been telling him for 2 1/2 years now-our entire relationship. Any advice??? Him telling me I'm a prude just really got to me, and I'm wondering now if I am and don't know it? I don't know!

no I don't think you are a prude.
He is being out of control. Maybe he has a sex addiction problem? I don't know but he should be doing that to you when you are busy doing other things in the house.

NOBODY has a right to lay a finger on you in any way, whether your married or not, whether you've been together 2 years or 20 years. Your husband needs to cut the crap, what he is doing is VERY wrong. And if you let it keep happening, it could get worse.

This happened to me with my now ex-husband. And it went on for many years. I was so conditioned to it, I was afraid to turn my back or bend over while doing chores in his presence. I think he thought it was cute, or funny, or somehow twistedly romantic. I did finally put a stop to it, and can remember the rather angry/upset discussion I had with him about what he was doing.

Your husband needs to understand that this is inappropriate and even abusive behavior. No, you're not a prude!

Sdgirl-thank-you for saying you don't think I'm a prude. I know I don't know people here, but that's what makes these opinions worth so much to me!!

And Evening thank-you!! You've just validated what I've been thinking all along. That no one has the "right" to touch me however they want-this is my damn body! After I got offline here last night, I went into our room and tried to use an analogy? on him. He *hates* having his toes touched. Don't know why, I've asked him and he says he just doesn't like it. So, I told him nicely, "Tell you what. You can finger me anytime you want. But I get to touch your toes whenever I want, no matter what you're doing. I can suck on them too if I want. What are you a prude?"(that last part wasn't meant to be nice I was still hurt!!). I don't actually want to suck on his toes, but there are some people that do and it's a sexual thing. I was trying to make him realize it works both ways.

It didn't work though. He told me to go ahead?!! He knows I don't want to suck his toes! I was expecting a "you're right, I don't want you to touch my toes and you don't want me to finger you when we're not in bed. I understand now."

I'm gonna stick to my guns though. I'm not gonna do what he does and disrespect his wants regarding his body, but I am gonna keep telling him I don't like this and to stop! It is AWESOME, believe me, to hear someone else's opinion besides HIS, on this matter. I no longer believe that I could be a prude, that I AM normal

seeker1950-that's how I've been!! I will purposely stop myself from bending over when he's nearby, because I know he's gonna touch me down there! What the heck?? And thank-you for saying I'm not a prude

See...when this kind of thing happens repeatedly, you become conditioned to anticipate it, thus creating anxiety about doing normal things in your home...like bending over! Then, rather than respecting your requests and your body, you are further abused emotionally by being made to think you're at fault or a "prude." Can you love a person who treats you this way? I certainly didn't .

Just my opinion... your husband should be in therapy.
Maybe you both should... like marriage counseling or something.
Maybe a therapist can get through to him that he can't treat you like that.

I really hope you do something about this. I know this is going to sound bad, but my uncle forced my aunty to have sex with him while they were married a few years ago. Now my aunty has my 9 year old cousin to remind her of that. So I really do worry for you and how you must be feeling. He is taking advantage of you, sexually humiliating you and being abusive. He's being smart about it too, judging by your story about the toes, he knows EXACTLY what he is doing and what he is causing for you and he's enjoying it. It's not okay at all.

Oh hon, you're not a prude. In fact, you are probably just the opposite. And maybe he thinks he can take advantage of you being open sexually. Maybe it's black and white with him: maybe he thiinks if you don't like him touching you there, then you are instantly a prude. I don't know what he thinks for sure, these are just speculations.

I hate it when men who that... touch you when you are trying to get things done. Like I'd be making something to eat and my ex would come up behind me and start touching me and what-not. I'd say not now or I'm busy etc. but since I am submissive I automatically had to comply with him or there would be consequences. Ugh, needless to say I am no longer with him due to that reason and many many others... He was a good dominant but a horrible boyfriend.

Why do men do that? I mean, can us ladies just have a break??... for like 5 consecutive minutes?? Honestly, men just make me mad... ok I'm done ranting... just needed to get it out.

-Nayana

Your husband has issues and needs help. You also should seek some help and find out why you allow this to happen. Its abuse plain and simple and he may be doing it as a way of having power over you. I liken it to a rapist, its not about the sex, its about the power and control over the victim.

Maybe he was sexually abused as a child and is now acting out against you? do you know if he has this history or physical abuse? either way your not a prude and its YOUR BODY! no one has the right EVER to touch you in a way that you dont like.

I hope you do something for yourself here. Do you have kids with him? You said he was abusive before, was it physical?

We all need physical and emotional boundaries; every time he touches you in a way you don't like (and have TOLD him that) he is VIOLATING your boundary. He is disrespecting you.

All of your feelings are normal and should be respected.

My sister's husband would begin sexual stuff early in the morning when my sister was in a hurry to get to work. SHe told her husband she didn't like that and it made her feel like when she was molested as a child. He continued to do it.

She divorced him....because what he was saying was he didn't care how it made her feel. A control thing. There needs to be consequences to his behavior. If he continues to do it, go and stay overnight with a friend and explain why. What if you decided you liked shooting a BB gun at his head? Would he think that was okay? Of course not....but that is (metaphorically) what he is doing to you.i

I would suddenly start having startle reactions and stepping on his toes, to heck with sucking them!

I think you need a stronger boundary violation consequence though. Sounds like he knows the message but doesn't care? Whether you are a prude or not was/is not part of the problem. You have to have a consequence that you are willing to/can/are strong enough to enforce that he'll pay attention to or the situation will just stay where it is.

You have set a boundary with your husband which is your right and he is disrespecting the boundary and in doing so he is disrespecting you. That said, it is my opinion that the many of the people responding to your question are either doing some projecting or have confused the issues of sexuality and boundary crossing.

Wanting to touch ones wife in her private parts when she is bent over does not make someone abusive, a sex addict, in need of therapy or have issues. Touching ones wife in a way she says makes her uncomfortable and after she has asked you to stop DOES make one abusive, in need of therapy or simply means they have issues.

I don't know if you are a prude or not, I don't think any of us do and I don't think you've given anyone here enough information to make that determination - but having a boundary regarding being touched in your private areas doesn't necessarily make you one. I've talked to my wife about it and neither of us find it offensive but we don't have to, it's not our body it's yours.

[quote=dragonflybug;1413075]Hi. Ok here's my problem/story. My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. He's been very physically abusive to me occasionally over that time period. Like every three months. Anyways, we're now having a "fresh start".

The reason I mention this, is because since I've been abused, I don't even know what's normal anymore. I need advice from anyone who knows what normal should be, I guess you could say? I don't want to put this in the abuse section, because it's a sexual problem. I hope that's ok? So here's the problem: He keeps "fingering" me and has our whole relationship, despite me telling him I don't like it! I'm not talking about foreplay here. He touches my private area a lot. After we agreed to a "fresh start" just last week, this was one of the issues I brought up. That I just don't like it.

So tonight he gets home. I'm on my hands and knees looking for our daughter's lovey so she can go to sleep. He comes up behind me, and slides his finger across my private area! I was pissed. We had just talked about this last week. So I got up and told him I don't like that. He started screaming at me, telling me I'm a prude and am I a nun.

Seriously now. Am I really a prude? We've done everything in bed together, including letting him go in the "other way". So how am I a prude? I just don't like being touched down there when I'm busy around the house, or every time I bend over, or him holding me there when we're watching TV. I've told him this so many times. I thought you were supposed to be honest about what you don't like sexually? I've been telling him for 2 1/2 years now-our entire relationship. Any advice??? Him telling me I'm a prude just really got to me, and I'm wondering now if I am and don't know it? I don't know![/quote]

Dragonfly...this IS abuse, both emotional (calling you a prude) and physical/sexual (not respecting your boundaries after repeated requests).

Perhaps AkAngel needs to learn to write better. What that line that you seem to be so offended by meant was, that neither my wife nor I would mind if we touched each other that way. I was making a differentiation between her husband's habit of touching her and her husbands habit of abuse. Touching isn't abuse - even touching 'down there'. Violating boundaries is abusive, whether or not is has anything to do with touching or not. It seemed to me that the responses seemed to meld these two together and decided that if any man touched you 'down there' while you were bending over - it was abuse, whether or not one had placed a boundary or not. Comments like, "I hate it when men who that... touch you when you are trying to get things done." seemed to skip over that differentiation.

As for the line, "because since I've been abused, I don't even know what's normal anymore." Dragonfly was ambiguous here as to whether the abuse she is referring to happened in her family of origin or her husband. While I think I was clear enough when I said, "Touching ones wife in a way she says makes her uncomfortable and after she has asked you to stop DOES make one abusive..." I still don't know whether the abuse that led to not knowing what is normal is a result of something that happened in the marriage or not.

My point was this, if I finger my wife every time she bends over, that doesn't make me abusive or a sex addict; my wife welcomes it. It becomes abusive ONLY when someone tells someone else not to and they keep doing it.

I'm very sorry..... But you do NOT have a sex problem.

You have an ABUSE problem.

NO means NO!!

I am guessing your husband doesn't believe he has a problem, right?

You need to seek some counseling for just you. Not because you are mental, because you're not...he is. You need someone who can help you learn to be able to see this and help you figure out why you feel you don't deserve the self respect you do deserve.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think you were probably abused as a child and were programmed to let men take advantage of you.

You need help building your self esteem up and getting to a place where you can say "NO MORE" and demand a safe and healthy relationship. That is not currently what you have. You also need somebody who can help you document his behaviors.

His behaviors are that of the predatory type. Do you really want to be his prey?

Please, get into some counseling, whether he will go or not. If you can't afford it, contact a Domestic Violence hotline and they can help you find some resources to start getting you the help you need and deserve. You definitely do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you.

These are HIS issues. Don't let him make them yours.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

http://www.ndvh.org/

BTW, the above DV folks are based in Texas, so they should have some great resources for you.

Dragonfly,
I know this is an older post but I really feel for what you're going through.
I agree with others you are not a prude. Some people think they can own other people and do whatever they want to their body whenever they want. You saying "I don't like that" is like saying, "you don't own me". Some people are also impulsive, they see soemthing they want and they take it. It sounds like you like to be touched when it is time and when you are in the mood too, but not at every moment while you are working, of course that is not being a prude. He said that because you were standing up for yourself and he got defensive.

When I was in middle school there were a group of boys who would pull up my skirt it went on and on and became like this trend and I got to where...for years I would not wear skirts without thick pantyhose...it just sucks to be taken off guard like that. Then in my twenties I was in a relatiosnhip with someone who would do that kind of thing a lot.
So now even in a normal healthy relationhip with a man who does not do that kind of thing: once while we were being playful he pulled up my dress and that was appropriate timing... but it really bothered me anyway, even though we do everything you can imagine sexually and I want him to be playful and I was doing this kind of thing with him too, it's like I felt like I did when I was in middle school for a second...someone posted that we get conditioned and that is so true.
What you said about not bending over around your husband really touches a cord with me, sometimes people do not realize how much they affect others...you sound like a really strong person; I wish you the best.

I think alot of men are like that. At least the ones I have met anyway. My husband comes up to me alot and touches me when I'm doing dishes and bending over or what not. I don't like it because I'm not in the mood for it at that time. He blames me for being so good looking. Like it's all my fault.
When we go out in public to a bar or something, he likes when I wear a skirt, and he gets upset if I wear underwear. I tell him I'll take them off later when I have a few drinks. And I usually end up doing it for him.
I'm too old for this, I'm 39, not in my 20s anymore.
My husband has been getting dirtier in the bedroom and I am not sure if I like it, but I don't have the guts to stand up for myself. I'm afraid I'll lose something. Sounds like both your husband and mine are being disrespectful. I need to grow some balls. (Is that ok to say here?)
By the way, I do not think you are a prude. I've done lots of stuff with my man but I still think I am sort of a prude because I'm not all into it.
Hope you can resolve your issues. Take care.

You are not a prude at all. Good sex does not violate or invalidate your partner's feelings/desires. That isn't about sex at all....that is just about control and trying to make you feel bad.

Good sex wants to please and pleasure...it listens to what feels good and what doesn't. Love does that too.

No, you're not a prude, but you are a victim, IMHO. My advice to anyone who's being abused by their spouse or mate (even if it only happened once) is to leave. Find a way. Get help. Even if he gets "help," I would advise leaving, but that decision is yours.

its easy to condemn your husband's behavior, on the surface its just plain wrong.
However, you asked for advice. You shouldnt mind being touched in the vaginal area WHEN you want to AND if its in the context of a loving relationship. Neither of these appear to be the case with your husband. I am a strong advocate of teaching men how to act, because we are basically neaderthals when it comes to sex and many other issues of the heart. So try to educate him what is a touch that you would welcome...a kiss? a gentle hand on your waist? Then see how responsive he is to these constructive suggestions...this will tell you a lot. If he is critical and non-responsive, then you may be in deep trouble as this shows he is a man not willing to look at himself.

Well, one issue is that he's touching you when you ask him not to.

But am I the only one noticing her comments about prior physical abuse from him?

That stands out to me, especially when combined with his inappropriate touching. He doesn't respect your body, your boundaries - YOU!

Why are you still with him if he treats you like this? My guess is you have children and don't want a custody battle. But is this how you want them to see you treated?

Divorce would do less harm to your children than growing up in a household like this.

Find a low-cost attorney, and get out. Now.

I am so sorry this is happening to you...all I can really say without getting too triggered is that I can absolutely relate. Divorce has been suggested to me...it is not on my list of available options right now. I feel like a hypocrite for saying this, but it is abuse and you are not a prude. Leaving a relationship is very difficult, especially when there are children involved. Only you can decide if that is what you need to do. I often find myself sacrificing my boundaries for the greater good. I know that is not healthy, but it's what I need to do right now in my circumstances, maybe in the future that will change. Good Luck to you!

I'll be honest, my first inclination is to tell you to hit him with something blunt and heavy for being so completely inconsiderate, ignorant and just plain rude. But that just wouldn't be civil advice.

I believe you have every right to say when and how your body is touched and his disregarding your boundaries is definitely abuse. He is using this to feel power over you and of course now that you're standing up for yourself and telling him not to do it he's backpedaling and calling you names to try to bring you down again. Don't let him. From what I have seen written in this thread you are a strong woman who knows completely that this behaviour is something you will absolutely not tolerate from anyone, especially you're abusive husband that wants to *start over*.

If he keeps it up I think he's had his second chance. He is blatantly showing that he doesn't care for your feelings at all and you deserve better than that. You really do. You deserve someone kind, compassionate, and considerate who won't continue doing things to you after you express that you don't like them.