Define "sexually preoccupied"

So a while back, I was filling out some forms with my T. One of the questions was "are you sexually preoccupied?". I jokingly asked her if I am. To my surprise, she said yes. She said that I seem sexually preoccupied but not towards anything specific so I guess that would mean I lack a specific sexual obsession. She said that it was kinda difficult to figure out what is going on with me as far as that goes because she said it's kinda "all over the place".

I've been trying to figure out what she could possibly mean by that. Part of me says I'm a 20 year old virgin (losing your virginity is by my definition something that is consensual so I would be a virgin) and all of this normal. But then part of me thinks that maybe something is off. I tend to find sexual innuendo in absolutely everything and make dumb sex jokes all the time. I guess I talk about it a lot too. I know I think about it a lot. I don't think I masturbate more than normal or more than what's healthy, but I do see porn basically all the time. Not because I'm actively looking for it but because porn is all over the sites I frequent. I just happen upon it. I only actively look for it like 4-6 times in a week.

I don't know. How would you define "sexual preoccupation" and does this seem normal? Is my T off base here or is there something I'm missing...? Part of me feels like part of this is just that people aren't accustomed to hearing a woman talk about sex openly and I'm just expressing what other women think but don't always say. Maybe it seems scattered and confused because I want to have sex but simultaneously don't want anyone to touch me and I'm scared of intimacy to the point of avoiding men altogether. But I talk about it nonstop. I don't know.

Sexual preoccupation? That seems...strange. I don't know what would be considered "preoccupation"...I would argue most people are at least some degree preoccupied with sexual matters. Being twenty, you're probably "preoccupied" with it about as much as one would expect at that age, which...lol being right there with ya age wise, I know how that goes.

In line with age, I think dumb sex joke and innuendos are pretty expected. I make them all the time myself among the guys, so...I don't see how that would be "abnormal" or anything.

I don't think your "sexual preoccupation" is anything out of line aside from a factor of age...I'm not going so far as to call your T flat out wrong or anything, as that's not my place to do so, but...you're twenty. Sexual thoughts is pretty front and center around that age.

As far as the sites go...just curious. 4chan, Reddit? Only two I can think of personally where you can find both average stuff and porn just sort of...there.

But lastly...good for you for viewing virginity the way you do. I was going to offer that view before I read the parentheses, but you beat me to it. That's a healthy view for you to have, and I'm proud of you for it.

Hugs,
Harley

PS: I had forgotten...my Pokemon friend code is probably floating around Gamefaqs, so I'll PM you that in a bit.

In my defense, she also made that comment after she ran a group where we had a massage train. I was uncomfortable with the idea of other people touching me, but I'm okay with her touching me and me touching other people so we set it up where she was the only one who could massage me. While she was rubbing my back, she said "don't be afraid to rub it harder or slower. Vary the speed" and I burst out laughing. Perhaps she was a little annoyed that I made her group awkward. It was an awkward group to begin with.

Tumblr and reddit. I'm not into really REALLY bizarre porn like 4chan haha

Virginity is a fairly useless social construct to me. There are too many differing ways to look at it. I consider losing your virginity to be the first time you have sex. Sex is always consensual because when it isn't, it's rape. There is no logical reason for me to change my opinion on it just because it became more personal.

Cool. I'll add me and you can add me back when you get the chance

lol Well, one for two. Not bad. Yeah...rofl it takes a lot for a place to be considered the "Sewer of the Internet," so I can't fault you for avoiding 4chan. I occasionally browse Tumblr and Reddit myself, though I don't have an account on either. But, I definitely understand how easy it is to fall into the "dark side" of either.

A "massage train" doesn't really sound like it has anywhere to go BUT awkward. I get the point...desensitization to your fear of touch, so I see the purpose. But I can't say I wouldn't have at least thought the same thing you said...lol you just took the extra step (to which I would extend the highest of internet fives) . She may've taken that seriously, which might've contributed to her...assessment.

You've a logically thought out and mature viewpoint of virginity, in my opinion...kudos to you. I admire that.

I'll definitely add you as soon as I'm able. I usually piggyback off a friend's wifi tether, as my college firewalls are insanely strict. They might've lowered the guard a bit with the upgrades they've been doing over winter break (fiber optics! ), but I'm apprehensive at best. But in a worse case scenario, I'll add you once I go back to work for the month...my boss is cool enough to let me work just a day a month while in school to keep myself on the payroll.

But ultimately, I don't think there's anything particularly "abnormal" about your "preoccupation." You're twenty. Using myself and friends in my age group as a standard, you sound right at home to me.

Hugs,
Harley

Sexual preoccupation can be a very complicated thing. Sometimes it is overt. Conscious and conspicuous sexual things, like joking about it a lot, watching porn, finding yourself thinking about various person in commercials, TV shows, movies arousing all the time. Then there is covert or suppressed sexual preoccupation. The over compensation by not objectifying persons as sex objects, having difficulty interacting with person you may find arousing because you are concerned it would be inappropriate. Feeling guilt or shame for sexual arousal. It can be conscious and obvious or hidden and compensatory. In truth most of us have some degree of sexual preoccupation and it becoming more and more prevalent in due to the sexual nature of media.

First off, I don't blame "the media". The media is a reflection of society. If society didn't put any value in sex, "the media" wouldn't try to market off of it.

The part about your post that confuses me is that I can't figure out where you are saying the line between a healthy amount of sexual focus crosses over into sexual preoccupation. For me, I'm not ashamed of what arouses me, I don't harbor any "sexual guilt". I am attracted to people on TV, I do make sexual jokes all the time, and I find innuendo in basically everything. I also do struggle talking to people I'm attracted to for a bunch of reasons. Is all of that normal? Is it "wrong"? Do I need to try and fix this?

I think sexual preoccupation is just saying that your mind is consistently thinking about sex and sexually related topics. So finding sexual innuendo in everything and making a lot of sex jokes would show a preoccupation with it - you bring it in to a lot of conversations where sex isn't the actual topic.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing at all, so I wouldn't worry about it. It's just an observation that your T has made. It's just that it's something that preoccupies you - as you explained about the massage train, you somewhat derailed the situation by your mind automatically thinking about sexual innuendos, so you brought it to others' minds.

Definitions of preoccupation:
pre·oc·cu·pa·tion

noun \(ˌ)prē-ˌä-kyə-ˈpā-shən\ : a state in which you give all your attention to something
: something that you give all or most of your attention to



Full Definition of PREOCCUPATION

1
: an act of preoccupying : the state of being preoccupied

2
a : extreme or excessive concern with something
b : something that preoccupies one

Boo! Defining a word with that word is like Congress working, it really doesn't.

I know, right? I cracked up laughing at that part of the definition!

Only part that didn't define the word without the word was the second part haha

T said today that the only memories I have of my own body are sexual because of what's happened to me in my childhood. She said it is like if the only experience I had with her was that one time she scolded me and her intern about a month ago. My opinion of her would be quite negative, but I know her much better than that because we have a much more complex relationship with much more memories than the one time she was a little too harsh. But my relationship with my body isn't like that. I only have memories of trauma with it. And that's why I'm "sexually preoccupied". I don't know how to look at myself any other way but sexually.

I guess her evidence for me being sexually preoccupied before knowing about any of my trauma was that I'd talk about it a lot and when she told me to take care of myself and "do something nice for my body", I gave her a funny look and said "what do you mean? Masturbate?". And I still don't know what "doing something nice for my body" means. She said it again today and I gave her the same answer.

Nice things to do for your body:
- eat healthy
-exercize
- have a relaxing bath or shower
- foot scrub!
- dying your hair or doing something nice with it
- get a massage
- keep it clean
- face masks

etc etc. That's what it would mean. Doing something to take care of your body or to treat it. I remember you saying at one point that you were struggling with showering (especially when you had first arrived inpatient) - taking a shower is one way to take care of your body. Making sure that your teeth are brushed and that you are wearing clean clothes is taking care of your body. It's also simply being nice to yourself BECAUSE of the fact that it's caring for yourself.

So your response going straight to something sexual and not being sure of any other answers? Yeah, that's a preoccupation.

But at least you're aware of it a little more now and you can work on it if you wish to!

I'm still struggling with bathing and brushing my teeth. And washing my clothing/towels. I don't know. It's really hard to take care of my body when I hate it so much. T said you take care of things you are proud of/have taken good care of. So in order for me to start learning how to love my body, I'd have to take care of it. The issue is finding the love for myself to start doing all that stuff. It just kinda feels like what does it even matter?

I know she's right now that she explained it a little better. It's just hard to fix. Nothing on that list even sounds fun or relaxing. The only "fun" I actually know how to experience is sexual. All the other stuff just sounds like work.

Red Panda brought up a point I had missed entirely. Thank you.

I still maintain that a degree of sexual preoccupation is to be expected...particularly at 20. But, your views on your own body do speak to something I had not considered. Viewing yourself in an only sexual manner is, with all due respect, problematic, and if that's the angle your T was coming from, I do certainly see her perspective more clearly.

The bright side though is that your therapist is here to help you with that. Her goal is to get you to see the value in those things, and, as is necessary, to break the notion that sex and sexual activity is the only fun there is. Certainly to break viewpoint of only being able to look at yourself sexually. There's SO much more than that to you...your therapist is only trying to help you see that.

I do apologize if it seems like I'm pulling a total about face from my last post. I do still maintain that the sexual humor probably isn't too out of line in and of itself. But with your recent posts, I do see where she's coming from, and I think she may have a valid point...it's not the humor or the thoughts in and of themselves but the methodology of your thinking that prompts them, if that makes any sense. Nothing that is insurmountable by any means. Just perhaps something to be aware of, is all.

Hugs,
Harley

Yeah, see, as you're still struggling with basic hygiene, that definitely shows a skewed perspective, right?

"Doing something nice for your body" does not mean having to do something you enjoy. Sure, that would be preferable, but it means taking CARE of your body. Which, for you right now, would be basic simple hygiene like taking a shower, brusthing your teeth, combing your hair, wearing clean clothes, etc. For me, "doing something nice for my body" would mean making sure I'm eating healthy, start exercizing, floss (I hate flossing with a passion), and goes as far as to include going to hairdresser to get my hair dyed. Oh! And I've gone to the doctor this year about a stomach problem, and recently went to see a chiropractor (absolutely terrifying for me, but I am trying to take better care of myself).

I think that for you, the preoccupation with sex is a problem because you avoid everything else with it. Am I right? You view your body as only good for having sex, so you don't take care of it because you aren't having sex. You couldn't enjoy the massage properly because you couldn't separate it from a sexual act. Am I close with those?

I don't know. I've never actually (consensually) had sex or even kissed anyone. I don't see myself as anything anyone would want to have sex with. I'm also scared of having sex so taking care of myself might make me more attractive and cause people to change their minds about that and I really REALLY don't want attention. I don't know if I would take care of it even if I were having sex. I might hate it even more or just be super reckless about it.

I didn't sexualize the massage because I viewed it as an act of mothering, not sexual. If she were not a woman, it would be different. I also don't think I avoid things with it. It's just the only thing I can really remember to do. More like if the only thing I remembered to do was shower. I wouldn't be showering to avoid things, I'd just not struggle with remembering to shower. Maybe sex is just the only way I know how to express care to myself.

I think my issues with basic hygiene is mostly that I just don't care. I don't care about taking care about myself because I really don't have much value in myself at all. I don't mean anything to me. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and not care. I could contract some deadly illness from not washing my hands enough and just not care. I do, however, masturbate when it isn't too triggering because it's physically painful if I don't. So I don't think I view myself as only good for sex, I think I view sex as the only thing good for me because I really don't see myself good for much anything. I guess if someone only wanted a warm body like my perpetrator did I could do that.

Your T is an arse, and doesn't get the wider world.

We live in a sexualised culture. So talking about sex a lot is the norm for both genders, not just men. Provided that a desire for sex does not override your other activities, then fine, be sexual.

As for age, well I'd imagine most younger people view porn a lot, or make sexual jokes. Whilst Ts may disapprove because being "mentally normal" is about some conservative norm (lol..)

I don't mean to hijack your thread OP, but then I have had similar issues with therapists before so I can relate. It seems they hate modern norms, and I don't see why doing as the many do is a "pathology".

Actually no she isn't. She is very sex positive, certainly not at all conservative, and really supports people talking about sex.

The problem isn't that I'm a woman who makes sex jokes and watches porn. The problem is that I think about sex all the time, sexualize basically everything, and run away from anything that could be remotely sexual all at the same time. Talking about sex all the time and then never pursuing a sexual relationship at any level. Masturbating and then hating my body not because I think masturbation is wrong or I have any moral issues with it, but for some other reason entirely that at the time she didn't know was caused by sexual abuse. Not taking care of myself physically because if something isn't sexual, it doesn't really seem to have a purpose to me. Being unable to touch anyone besides my T because I see all touch as sexual and it makes me scared/upset. Being super easily aroused and not wanting to be. There is more to this than me just being a woman who masturbates occasionally.

I actually relate a lot to this…I think about sex constantly but I've never had it…I've barely done anything completely willingly. My mind seems to think of everything sexually. I honestly have no idea what (if anything) happened to me as a kid and I really don't want to know at this point.

The only thing that really "helped" and I use the term in the loosest sense, was taking an anti-depressant that just about killed my libido. Now I still think about sex all the time, but I rarely get aroused nor do I feel the need to masturbate. I can be touched without it being sexual…my friends (who are all fairly new) have been doing a kind of "hug therapy" with me and I've just barely began to feel anything more than nothing when I hug someone. But it isn't sexual. Although I sort of feel like I tend to throw myself sexually at friends while not even intending it.

Growly,

I cannot believe this thread is happening in 2014
"Sexually preoccupied" was a term some people in my high school classroom used to make fun of other classmates. Mind you, it was in mid-80s. It has never been a professional term, to the best of my knowledge.

People talk about sex addiction. This discharge form said "are you sexually preoccupied". I don't think I'm addicted to sex seeing as I'm a virgin and I masturbate probably 4 to 6 times a week. But I do think/talk about sex a lot and I do probably view myself as a solely sexual object that no one wants.

Sex addiction is not a particularly well justified term, either, with too much hype and not enough properly designed research; plus, the whole general tendency to talk about addictions outside of the original scope of chemical substance addictions leaves much to be desired from the standpoint of science (in other words, most of it is hype). I don't think that any of those labels have any practical utility to you, while the actual details you have been discussing on the thread, such as lack of motivation for self-care, are indeed very important.