Hitting a "wall" when trying to orgasm with a partner?

The only way I've ever been able to orgasm is through masturbation, whether it's with my partner next to me or not. Whenever he goes down on me, fingers me, etc., I get to a point where I seem to hit a "wall" and it feels like I panic. It's like it goes from enjoyable to painful or at least not enjoyable anymore when I hit this "wall" and I have to finish myself off in order to feel safe I guess.

I've had a lot of negative sexual experiences. None of them really seem bad enough to create this level of response. But either way, I don't know how to get over this. But I guess I should just feel lucky that I can orgasm at all in the presence of someone else and not get selfish in wanting to also orgasm from actual sex (oral/handjobs/etc.).

I have that as well. It's performance anxiety for me so maybe it's something like that for you as well.

I can even feel it kicking in. When I'm close to orgasm, I can feel my body start to hold back or ... shut down a little. It comes from fighting a combination of years of focusing on my wife during sex instead of just enjoying it and then a few years of anorgasmia caused by medications. Now I can have an orgasm from masturbation when I'm alone, but in the context of sex the performance anxiety kicks in and I can't have an orgasm.

There's ways to work through it, but since we've gone to an essentially sexless marriage it doesn't really matter anyway.

anorgasmia. I get it on certain medications.

If it's anorgasmia still, then how can I orgasm on my own or masturbate next to him and achieve orgasm relatively easily and consistently? I only seem to freak out if he touches my clit. Nowhere else.

And I'm not on any psych meds. The only med that I'm on that could cause a problem is birth control and that's only supposed to lower my desire. My desire is certainly not lowered.

It could just be performance anxiety. I was shamed in the past for not having an orgasm when I was "supposed to". Not by the current partner mind you, but the current partner was so used to women getting off pretty easily with little to no effort, that he seemed very surprised that I'm so "difficult". So he inadvertently made me feel like I was some kind of freak.

I have had this problem as well. I can get there on my own, but when it comes to my husband doing things it just does not work. Then I went a week without masturbating and when I felt ready, my husband helped me while I did things myself and we took it really slow. I felt like the pressure to succeed wasn't there and I could just enjoy myself. But I got there. For the first time in like a year with his help. Sometimes you just have to take it slow and not get so worked up about it all. Slow and steady wins the race.

Sounds almost exactly like my issue. You might have an unconscious push to have an orgasm "the right way" (the way your ex shamed you for) so now you tense up without even knowing why. If you do it yourself though, you know it's okay so you can have an orgasm that way.

If you work with your partner in the way that krisakira was describing, it can help lessen that anxiety so you can work thought it.

I feel for you all. We all know first hand how disappointing anorgasmia can be. I've mentionned it before on the forum about having to learn to have sex without the expectation of an orgasm. This even stretches so far as to accepting that masturbation need not end with an orgasm, and masturbation was always my fallback.

I know it is hard to understand and implement the concept. Believe me, when my GP and T both told me that I should learn to have intimate encounters without an expectation of an orgasm, I was shocked and confused. I mean what's the point of sex without ending with the pleasurable "bang".

I found that I had to be honest with both myself and my wife. If I felt I was going to have problems at all, I just had to stop trying (wearing myself out and getting frustrated). This meant that sometimes in the "middle" of penetrative vaginal intercourse, I would just pull out and stop. We could/would cuddle, caress, etc. but no more sex. It would allow me to maintain a relatively high positive emotion, meaning I could feel satisfied that I had satisfied her. That CAN be enough.

The other way was/is not useful...emotionally. It is devastating to keep on with penetration, trying harder and harder, eventually physically exhausted, out of breath, and disappointed. Or masturbating...then ejaculating...without an orgasm, I mean how hollow do you think that feels. My penis, prostate and scrotum all did their jobs, but I didn't feel anything...no pleasure.

What I'm trying to say is that it will take some effort...and it won't always be successful. But emotionally it will become much easier, and therefore easier to deal with physically. Although it may not apply equally to women, for men I would challenge you to satisfy your wife...first and only. Personally I can do this thanks to the little blue pill. Once the lovely lady is satisfied, cuddle a bit and then go to sleep. Don't even try to have an orgasm...don't play with it.

If you can learn to stop intercourse while on an emotional high...even without achieving a physical/sexual high, you will eventually be able to accept that as a viable and pleasurable outcome. Meaning that when you do try to orgasm, and it doesn't work, you can still have positive feelings about the intimate activities you participated in.

I hope this helps someone.

I used to feel that way too, and always felt pressured to orgasm so as not to make the guy feel bad. Or at least pressured to finish quickly. Maybe if you feel comfortable, you could try talking to him about it. If he knows it might take you longer to orgasm, maybe you'll be put at ease knowing that he isn't expecting it to happen within a couple minutes. Somehow I was able to get my thoughts off of the performance anxiety, and was finally able to orgasm with a guy even though I never have before. So it is possible!

I really don't masturbate that often as it is…only when I have to or I'm not going to sleep or getting anything else done otherwise. Or to help get my body used to orgasming in different positions etc. I guess I'll just stop masturbating altogether…although would it be fine if I masturbated while I was next to him or would that be detrimental?

I'm sure I do have an unconscious push for an orgasm since I know I sure have a conscious push for one.

It's just that he won't keep going long enough for me to finish. If I finish myself, sometimes it only takes 10-15 minutes altogether with an average now around 20-30. I'm not sure how to make the average 10 or if that would even be fast enough. Considering that it used to take me 2-3 hours, I think I've made a lot of progress.

I don't think I could get the same pleasure out of only giving my partner pleasure like you could. And that comes from being raised with the idea that men are superior to women. Just the idea that I give a guy multiple orgasms and I'm supposed to be fine with nothing in return just rubs me the wrong way. How much more do men get to have that women are apparently not allowed to have in that situation?

And where does the emotional high come from? There's only been a couple of times I felt enough of an emotional high to be ok with not orgasming. Usually my emotions are me getting very upset and trying hard not to cry too much. Me finishing myself off has placated that extreme emotional response, but just letting it go every time is going to lower my overall mood so much that it's going to create other relationship problems. My mood/emotions and behavior (outside of the bedroom) have landed me in enough hot water as it is and I'm afraid of making it worse and forcing him to break up with me because I absolutely cannot have a proper emotional response to anything and will just end up crying or going mute.

We've talked at length throughout our entire relationship. Sexual problems has been one of our major issues.

I really don't think it's possible at this point anyway…I have too much anxiety over him leaving me right now.

I truly am sorry for the situation you are in. I hope you can find a balance in you sexual relations, with your partner and yourself.

Believe me, my anorgasmia drove me into depression, questioned my marriage, questioned my sexuality...I would cry constantly, avoided contact, avoided sex...I even got to the point where I sat down to pee so I wouldn't have to touch my penis because it would remind me of my numbness and anorgasmia.

I understand that the situations are similar but at the same time have aspects specific to each of our genders, but I had to learn or lose more. I know for years my wife never got satisfied because of my earlier premature ejaculation. Now the tables are turned. If we stuck with status quo, neither of us would go anywhere.

I can't tell you how hard it is to not finish...I can't tell you how to find an "emotional high". I just had to get passed it...find a way. Because stopping all intimacy would have meant a worse life...and maybe a lost marriage.

We've dealt with premature ejaculation too. We only have one position where penetration can happen and he can last more than a couple of seconds. So actual intercourse has always been mostly for him. And since I was a virgin when I met him, that's all I'm used to. Right now I'm just trying to find satisfaction from foreplay because that's the only place I'll ever get it from.

You may have a very sensitive clit. I've experienced something once where my penis was over-stimulated and I couldn't orgasm, it was during a blowjob. After an hour it became painful and it felt like my penis wanted to explode. It sounds like your clit might be over-stimulated perhaps. It works when you do it because you know how to touch yourself so you don't get over-stimulated.

That's totally possible. Starting out, I had a lot of issues with it hurting whenever he even gently touched me. I'm so used to masturbating in only one way and in only one position that when I tried to teach myself how to do it in different positions it just ended up hurting or feeling uncomfortable.

But it also seems like I need a lot of stimulation to feel anything most of the time.

Is there any way around all of this? It feels empty to only have the option of masturbation to have an orgasm during partner sex. I mean, I wouldn't mind it some of the time, but I struggle to find a point of partner sex when I can give him an orgasm but he can't give me one. It feels unequal.

I know it's a little gross but maybe a lot of spit perhaps (if he is willing to do oral) or some lube. But, what also might work is not to stimulate it directly. Start with the area around it and work some of the skin around the clit rather than the clit itself. I have actually heard of a lot of women who can't take stimulation directly on the clit, it's just too sensitive.

For me, I'm an uncut guy, and for a long time it was really hard for me to get over the sensitivity of stimulating my penis by directly touching on it. Even now, I usually lube it up with something if I want to touch it, or I simply keep the foreskin over it. The clit is similar, it has a little hood and you may actually just be able to stimulate it comfortably through the hood instead of directly. It may sound weird, but a clit works like a tiny little penis, you can use the skin near it to "jerk it off" just like a man would.

You may also just direct him specifically on how you want it done. Try to mimic the way in which you masturbate yourself but allow him to do it. You'll only really need to instruct him the first time, thereafter he'll have the hang of it. Communication can never be underestimated during sex or foreplay. It took me a while to request or instruct too, because I didn't want the woman I was with to feel like she was doing something I didn't like. But, eventually, I made a system where I would say to her - "You know what I really like, is when you do it like that, that feels great" and then I demonstrate and allow her to do it.

Well, as an update, it's all actually gotten worse. I feel anxious with him even touching me and I can't relax. I mean, he could begin oral and it feels good but I feel like I'm heading for a panic attack or something. It's hard to explain.

I don't think it's about him doing it wrong and besides, I've shown him several times because I always end up masturbating in front of him. I've tried to show him how I touch myself and have directed his hand, but it just doesn't feel right.

And since he has cerebral palsy, him learning to do something that requires a unique motor skill is difficult for him. It's not a show him once and he gets it sort of thing. So it's more of him experimenting until maybe it eventually works sort of thing.

The only way I feel comfortable getting off is not comfortable for two people unfortunately so I'll have to retrain my body to be comfortable in another position I guess. I just feel really sexually incomplete since I'm not able to get an orgasm from him directly like everyone else with a decent sex life can. Or like everyone else he's ever slept with...

I'm so sorry you're experiencing all of this. I really hope things can work out for you one way or another, so that this void you feel can be filled. A lot of what you describe sounds like an emotional thing, which then physically manifests itself.

Things are rarely what they seem!

In my opinion, I think they have had more of an effect than you may be giving credit for. You cannot underestimate events from the past simply because they may seem insignificant. They might, but you'll never truly know the effect they may be having subconsciously. I really think something is holding you back from giving over "control" to your partner in order for him to help you reach orgasm. You say it feels like you panic when he goes down on you, etc. and you masturbate because it feels safer that way. That is an indicator to me that those experiences you've dismissed are in fact playing a role after all.

Something that may or may not help is to see it as reaching orgasm together, which it is actually. Sometimes I've heard women say their husband/bf gives them an orgasm, or he is not able to give her an orgasm. Seeing it that way may actually block the orgasm because if you are thinking he must give you one, then that reinforces that serious issue with handing over the control, or being totally submissive, totally vulnerable and the fear he may hurt you, which then makes you hit the wall as you say and feel the panic attack feeling.

It should be viewed as reaching it together, so you and him both help you reach orgasm, he doesn't simply give it.

I really do hope things can work out for you, because I can only imagine how much happier it would make your relationship if I consider what you're saying. I can see it's important to you, so I wish you all the best!

I'm so sorry for your struggle I.Am.The.End. *hugs* I'm going through a similar situation with my husband.

He used to be so good at getting me off that I could have an orgasm without him even touching me. Our sex life when we first got together, and for the first few years of marriage, was bliss. I was always hot and ready to go, and we always had fun.

But slowly something changed, and I started to enjoy myself less and less. From my perspective, it seems like sex is a race for him to get to "the good part". Getting to the peak of pleasure now seems to take forever for me, requiring lots of build up and teasing, and it's like he's lost the patience for it or something. Trying to guide him, or tell him what I want in terms of faster/slower/type of touch/etc does not help. In fact, it seems to do the opposite and take all the wind out of his sails, and take all the enthusiasm out of him. It just ends up with me on my back, him laying next to me up on his side, one arm under his head, the other hand on my clit, just rubbing back and forth with this bored look on his face. I can't enjoy myself at all if he's projecting this air of being bored or frustrated with it.

Is it so much to ask that he make me feel like he WANTS me to enjoy myself? I just want some passion. But when it's him trying to give me pleasure, it just feels like it's a chore to him. He just wants to get to the "good part" and be able to **** me already.

In trying to see things from his perspective, I'm sure it must make him feel bad that he isn't able to turn me on like he used to. I'm sure he feels like a failure that nothing he does works for me. But that doesn't mean he should stop trying! I haven't stopped trying, I keep working hard to be a better spouse and a better lover, but it just isn't working anymore. I have no idea what to do, and this is the saddest feeling I've ever known.

Sigh. I'm sorry, I'm sure my rant doesn't help your situation at all. But please know you're not alone, and this isn't your fault.

Thanks Sirensong18! You've actually portrayed really well what I was kind of trying to get at. It's such a mental thing more than anything else. Any kind of negative feeling is going to kill passion for sure.

I really wish all the best for you guys, to get back the passion.

Yeah, I've always had issues with feeling ashamed of not being able to orgasm easily (that was before him) and he's used to girls who orgasm with I guess little to no effort. In the beginning he'd barely touch me and would be constantly asking if I'm about to orgasm. So this "wall" is likely made out of a lot of guilt.

There's especially a lot of guilt if he were to go down on me. I feel guilty that I might be making him do something he doesn't like (although he says he likes it a lot more now) and I'm too much of a jerk to even orgasm from it.

And there's a time issue. We're both full time doctoral students so we really don't have that much time as it is. But if there's something we need to go to in a couple hours or whatever or if there's a TV show coming on in a couple hours that he really wants to watch etc., then I panic about how long I'm going to take. It doesn't take me as long if there isn't a time limit usually.

We've also had issues with keeping him engaged. I mean, he has to orgasm first (if he had to wait on me, I'd hate myself so much and it would really ruin sex, besides he will ejaculate during foreplay anyway sometimes) and I realize it's harder for a guy to stay engaged after orgasming. He has done better after I've pointed that out to him.

And then there's the issue of teaching him how to touch me…honestly, touching me directly doesn't really work. At least that's not how I touch myself. I usually use the outer labia to offset the sensitivity a bit or even just wear underwear. And I strongly prefer to be on my stomach because that's how I always masturbated before I met him. But he just physically can't figure out how to do it…I don't know if it's the Aspergers or the cerebral palsy or something else completely.

And after the last time he needed a lot of space and almost cut me off completely, I have a harder time trusting him being affectionate. He's warm towards me now but at what point am I going to do something wrong and he's going to turn cold? I've already told him that I have a harder time trusting him and feeling comfortable around him, but that I also feel like the trust could be rebuilt. I only lost trust because I'm very sensitive to abandonment and have separation anxiety as it is. Logically, he really did need the space so it's not like he did something wrong (although, arguably, I think he went about it the wrong way which we have now discussed)

In my case (and it may be because it's still relatively early in the relationship), I don't think it's a lack of passion. He really tries hard throughout the relationship. There's more of a difficulty that neither of us have experience in serious relationships or much sexual experience. And we're also stressed and worried about finances now and after we graduate. And we're both stressed and afraid about hurting each other. I do know my anxiety and my envy cause problems and then I feel badly for days that I hurt him because of it. Or I'm worried that he's going to abandon me because he doesn't have the patience to wait around while I try to become a better person (I am in therapy and really do want to get better, but it does take time obviously). There's always the fear that the next thing I say or do is going to make him leave. I'm almost afraid to express emotions because I always express them in the wrong way. Like I wish I could hide how I really feel sometimes and fake the appropriate emotion like it seems everyone else can.

Oh yeah, there's a lot of mental pressure going on in both your guy's lives, so that for sure is going to have an effect. All those thoughts, what ifs, etc. is going to weigh you down emotionally when trying to be intimate.

Trust me when I say you don't want to get into the habit of putting on a mask and just pretending. It doesn't work in the long run, and it only causes more problems than it solves.

This is part of my problem now. When sex started to get less and less enjoyable for me, I put on a "sexy mask" and pretended to enjoy myself (though I've never faked an actual orgasm). I wanted to make my husband happy, so I pretended to enjoy things more than I actually did. I pretended to be turned on, or put on a sexy face and act sexy to get him off.

So now that we're more 'out in the open' and talking about our sexual dysfunctions, it's hitting him harder because he didn't realize that anything was wrong.

I can relate with not knowing how to express yourself. The only suggestion I have for you is to try writing a letter. I find that if I can get everything down on paper (or in my case, on a computer since I'm a fast typer and I hate to hand write), then I have a chance to review everything, change wording and phrasing, and really let it sink in and consider how it will sound to hubby if I were to read it to him. I've never actually read him one of these letters, or let him see them even, but it helps me to plan a conversation so I know what to say and how to say it.

Hope that helps.

When I meant masking emotions, I didn't mean masking the negative things, just that I wish I were less of a B about it. For example, he just told me about two things career/academic wise that just happened to him that were great (keep in mind that we're in the same field) and instead of keeping my envy to myself, I made it more apparent than I should have. I should have just appeared happy for him. I mean I am, but I'm also extremely competitive and I have issues with envy when anything good happens to other people…I just wish I could wear a mask that covered that ugly side of me. To be fair though, he preempted his announcement by telling me that I'm going to be jealous which makes it very difficult not to be when I was essentially told how I should respond.

But I'm pretty open about our sexual disfunction's. I might let something go for a little bit to see if it'll resolve itself or something or maybe my perspective will change or simply to understand the issue better…but it's not like I fake enjoyment when I don't really enjoy it. I mean, I do tell him it's ok when he's unable to get an erection or ejaculates sometimes immediately after penetration or even before. I don't see what good it will do to really show my disgust and frustration at that moment because it'll make him more afraid of "messing up" and have even more problems controlling his penis. And in the grand scheme of things, technically it's ok. Since he doesn't last long enough for me to orgasm through penetration, none of my sexual enjoyment needs him to have an erection.

I guess I want to learn to express myself in a constructive manner and not televise my emotions so strongly. It's not like he can't read exactly how I feel even if I say the opposite a lot of the time.

We have discussed some things via e-mail because I can compose myself better and be nicer in my delivery.

And I just wish the pressure of grad school would ease up soon but we both have a little less than 2 years left. If we stick it out (and I sure hope we do!) we would have been together for almost 3 years by the time we graduate. Hopefully be then we can figure the sex thing out.

And just for the record, despite me not being satisfied right now, I'm VERY attracted to him both mentally and physically, I have a high sex drive, the spark is still alive and well even after a year and despite having to confront some issues, and I don't have the desire to be with someone else even if they're "better" at sex. I mean, I fantasize occasionally, but to actually do it? Ew, no.