[SarahSweden]

I would really like to get some explanations to why I feel I don´t want to be the receiver of someone elses sexual needs. I´m 30+ and still a virgin and that bothers me quite a lot and sometimes it also makes me sad and feeling not normal. (I´m a female as the name says)

Although I feel it´s a kind of sorrow that I´ve never had sex and I´ve never been in a relationship I at the same time feel it would be humiliating to be some kind of a receiver (if being with a man) for someone elses sexual needs. I don´t want to be a virgin all my life and I´m not happy about it but at the same time I see sex as something messy and almost beastly, an activity with very low intelligence involved.

I´m fully aware of and theoretically I know a lot about sex so I´m not "underdeveloped" in that sense.

But I would really like to know why I feel like this. I understand it´s something to bring into therapy but I don´t have a T at the moment and perhaps someone in here feels the same and has talked to someone about it.

I was never sexually abused and I´m not within a religion that condemns sex or such.

[Angelique67]

If you feel as though you have no need or desire for sex, there's absolutely no reason you should have it. There's nothing wrong with being and staying a virgin however long you want.

[SarahSweden]

Well, I don´t actually feel that way, having no desire at all for sex. It´more about having issues around it and I would want to overcome them and know what the issues depend on. I don´t want to stay a virgin all my life.

[QuirkyGirl99]

What are your sexual needs? Do you get sexually aroused on your own? Are you capable of pleasing yourself? The whole point of sex is to please yourself and your partner. It's two people enjoying each other, not just a one way deal. Most people (male or female), enjoy giving to their partner, sometimes more than receiving. Feeling like some kind sex receptacle sounds like a self-esteem issue, which needs a lot of work. I also sense a fear of intimacy and letting your guard down. Were you badly hurt by someone emotionally or physically?

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[QuirkyGirl99]

The reason I asked so many questions, is because I'm just trying to get an idea of any root cause. Some people just have odd phobias as well.

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[SarahSweden]

Thanks for asking questions, I´m only grateful if I can get some clues to why I feel this way.

Yes, I get aroused and I´m capable of pleasing myself. I don´t have any problems with that and I think I´m fairly normal when it comes to those parts of my sexuality.

How do you think around this being a self-esteem issue?

You are right about that I to some extent fear intimacy and also letting my guard down. I don´t have any specific answers to why as I can´t remember any certain situation that could have made me feel what I feel about sex.

But in a broader perspective I see alienation in my youth, not having many friends could contribute to this feeling perhaps. Also that my parents split up and my mother talked negatively about sex. Not often but perhaps two or three times, like "being there for my father but not feeling she really wanted". It was though never any violent situations or such.

I got a bit worried and sad when reading that this will need a lot of work as I can´t afford paying for several years in therapy and I won´t get that through the public health care either.

Originally Posted by QuirkyGirl99

What are your sexual needs? Do you get sexually aroused on your own? Are you capable of pleasing yourself? The whole point of sex is to please yourself and your partner. It's two people enjoying each other, not just a one way deal. Most people (male or female), enjoy giving to their partner, sometimes more than receiving. Feeling like some kind sex receptacle sounds like a self-esteem issue, which needs a lot of work. I also sense a fear of intimacy and letting your guard down. Were you badly hurt by someone emotionally or physically?

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[QuirkyGirl99]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks for asking questions, I´m only grateful if I can get some clues to why I feel this way.

Yes, I get aroused and I´m capable of pleasing myself. I don´t have any problems with that and I think I´m fairly normal when it comes to those parts of my sexuality.

How do you think around this being a self-esteem issue?

You are right about that I to some extent fear intimacy and also letting my guard down. I don´t have any specific answers to why as I can´t remember any certain situation that could have made me feel what I feel about sex.

But in a broader perspective I see alienation in my youth, not having many friends could contribute to this feeling perhaps. Also that my parents split up and my mother talked negatively about sex. Not often but perhaps two or three times, like "being there for my father but not feeling she really wanted". It was though never any violent situations or such.

I got a bit worried and sad when reading that this will need a lot of work as I can´t afford paying for several years in therapy and I won´t get that through the public health care either.

The reason I brought up self-esteem, is because these issues are usually related to some lack of it. I could be wrong though. I think fear of intimacy, as well as the need to guard your emotions, definitely has something to do with that. Especially since it seems you greatly fear getting hurt. I also feel that your issues with family, as well as alienation from friends, is also a contributing factor. Sex is heavy stuff, especially for the first time. The fear of rejection and being used is a very real fear. I probably phrased the fact that you need a lot of work poorly. I just meant regularly therapy (at least what you can afford) will be beneficial for sure.There are a lot of other things that you can do on your own time in the meantime, in order to start feeling more secure with yourself and other people. There are tons of books about fear of intimacy. I would even try googling it. There Is also a lot of info on the net, which can help give you a better understanding of what may going on with you. It's difficult learning to trust people, especially when you have been let down so many times.
The good thing is that you are able to please yourself and have no problems with arousal. If you did have a pretty problem, I think this would be a more complex issue.
Anyway, forget about your age and take time to become truly comfortable with yourself and at peace with past situations that may be haunting you.
Btw, I was a virgin until I was 20. I didn't have the exact problem as you, but I did feel guarded and a had a huge fear of intimacy. Mainly due to the fact that I went through a very awkward phase in High School and was teased terribly. It took time to build myself up, before I felt comfortable with that level of intimacy. It was indeed a scary thought! However, when I did actually have sex for the first time, it was with the right person, who I felt totally comfortable with!

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Sarah, Have you explored tantric sex. Look it up on YouTube. Look up the Kama Suthra. Sex with anyone; man, woman or self isn't just about insert, thrust repeat or what ever. It is about connection in body, mind and spirit. It can be both physical and metaphysical all in the same moment. Don't be embarrassed over your virginity, cherish it, when Mr. or Ms. right come along and fill your every need; watch out because it will be a hell of a ride. I have seen a woman have the "big O" in front of a group of people without even touching her self or anyone else touching her for that matter. What you can do with your mind and body is awesome, learn about it, harness it and enjoy.

[SarahSweden]

No, I think you´re right my sexual issues have to do with lack of self esteem, it´s one of the reasons. And it´s also true I fear getting hurt and I do also in friendships.

The thing that´s a bit harder to understand is that I look upon sex as something humiliating. As I´m a bit over 30 years of age I feel I´ve lost a lot of years I could have been able to practise and to come close to another person and I also feel ashamed that I haven´t been able to do so.

Originally Posted by QuirkyGirl99

The reason I brought up self-esteem, is because these issues are usually related to some lack of it. I could be wrong though. I think fear of intimacy, as well as the need to guard your emotions, definitely has something to do with that. Especially since it seems you greatly fear getting hurt. I also feel that your issues with family, as well as alienation from friends, is also a contributing factor. Sex is heavy stuff, especially for the first time. The fear of rejection and being used is a very real fear. I probably phrased the fact that you need a lot of work poorly. I just meant regularly therapy (at least what you can afford) will be beneficial for sure.There are a lot of other things that you can do on your own time in the meantime, in order to start feeling more secure with yourself and other people. There are tons of books about fear of intimacy. I would even try googling it. There Is also a lot of info on the net, which can help give you a better understanding of what may going on with you. It's difficult learning to trust people, especially when you have been let down so many times.
The good thing is that you are able to please yourself and have no problems with arousal. If you did have a pretty problem, I think this would be a more complex issue.
Anyway, forget about your age and take time to become truly comfortable with yourself and at peace with past situations that may be haunting you.
Btw, I was a virgin until I was 20. I didn't have the exact problem as you, but I did feel guarded and a had a huge fear of intimacy. Mainly due to the fact that I went through a very awkward phase in High School and was teased terribly. It took time to build myself up, before I felt comfortable with that level of intimacy. It was indeed a scary thought! However, when I did actually have sex for the first time, it was with the right person, who I felt totally comfortable with!

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[QuirkyGirl99]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

No, I think you´re right my sexual issues have to do with lack of self esteem, it´s one of the reasons. And it´s also true I fear getting hurt and I do also in friendships.

The thing that´s a bit harder to understand is that I look upon sex as something humiliating. As I´m a bit over 30 years of age I feel I´ve lost a lot of years I could have been able to practise and to come close to another person and I also feel ashamed that I haven´t been able to do so.

Listen, there is absolutely no shame in being a virgin at 30. It just means that you haven't been ready for that type of intimacy yet. Sex is not something to be taken lightly, especially for the first time! When you have sex, you are sharing your most intimate parts of yourself with another human being.
Honestly? I would seek therapy, in order to work on your these issues that are affecting you. It's easy to overanalyze the act of sex to the point where you see it as something very primal. It actually is something primal, but it's also sensual, loving and beautiful (with someone you care about). I think some cognitive and behavioral therapy will help in regard to the way you view sex, as well as the other issues that plague you. You are still young and obviously value yourself enough to not give your body away to just anyone.

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[SarahSweden]

For me it´s a shame even if not all people think of it as a shame. I wish I didn´t feel ashamed but I do. You only have to look upon statistics to see that I belong to a minority when it comes to not having sex and not experienced a relationship and being over 30.

I was in therapy but got terminated and now I have to look for another T. Because I can´t pay for therapy myself I´ll have to turn to the public health care and I don´t think they´ll let me talk about issues around sexuality. They more of treat depression and major psychiatric diagnoses.

I´m happy about the thing you mentioned, that I haven´t given myself to just anybody but I really wish I would have been able to find some kind of love earlier.

Originally Posted by QuirkyGirl99

Listen, there is absolutely no shame in being a virgin at 30. It just means that you haven't been ready for that type of intimacy yet. Sex is not something to be taken lightly, especially for the first time! When you have sex, you are sharing your most intimate parts of yourself with another human being.
Honestly? I would seek therapy, in order to work on your these issues that are affecting you. It's easy to overanalyze the act of sex to the point where you see it as something very primal. It actually is something primal, but it's also sensual, loving and beautiful (with someone you care about). I think some cognitive and behavioral therapy will help in regard to the way you view sex, as well as the other issues that plague you. You are still young and obviously value yourself enough to not give your body away to just anyone.

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[Bill3]

The thing that´s a bit harder to understand is that I look upon sex as something humiliating. As I´m a bit over 30 years of age I feel I´ve lost a lot of years I could have been able to practise and to come close to another person and I also feel ashamed that I haven´t been able to do so.

How much do you find the idea of sex with another person to be humiliating? --versus-- How much do you find sex humiliating strictly because of virginity?

[SarahSweden]

I don´t think me finding sex or being the receiver of sexual acts humiliating specifically because I´m a virgin. It´s just the idea of it, that someone else uses my body to get his sexual needs met. (I´ve never seen myself with a woman, can´t really imagine that). Do you see a specific difference between those two views on this matter?

Originally Posted by Bill3

How much do you find the idea of sex with another person to be humiliating? --versus-- How much do you find sex humiliating strictly because of virginity?

[Bill3]

Yes I do see a difference between the two views. If it were about being a virgin, there could be significant social aspects to the humiliation--you could see yourself as one of a very few virgins, you could feel humiliated because you see yourself as behind others, looked down upon, left out.

What I think you are saying, though, is that there really is not a major social dimension to your feelings of humiliation. You find sex itself to amount to someone using your body for his own purposes, to relieve and gratify himself. And so you find sex itself to seem violating. You could give a man full permission, but it sounds like sex would feel like a violation nonetheless.

How well and how accurately does what I just said resonate with you?

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for interesting perspectives. I can feel ashamed just by being a virgin and knowing that people around me most surely are not as most of the adult population have had sex. But I don´t feel the actual act would be more humiliating to me just because I´m a virgin.

Yes, that´s correct, I imagine or see sex partly as someone "taking over me" and using me even if there´s no actual violence at all involved. I would really want to know why? Do you have any clue to this aspect?

Originally Posted by Bill3

Yes I do see a difference between the two views. If it were about being a virgin, there could be significant social aspects to the humiliation--you could see yourself as one of a very few virgins, you could feel humiliated because you see yourself as behind others, looked down upon, left out.

What I think you are saying, though, is that there really is not a major social dimension to your feelings of humiliation. You find sex itself to amount to someone using your body for his own purposes, to relieve and gratify himself. And so you find sex itself to seem violating. You could give a man full permission, but it sounds like sex would feel like a violation nonetheless.

How well and how accurately does what I just said resonate with you?

[Bill3]

But in a broader perspective I see alienation in my youth, not having many friends could contribute to this feeling perhaps. Also that my parents split up and my mother talked negatively about sex. Not often but perhaps two or three times, like "being there for my father but not feeling she really wanted". It was though never any violent situations or such.

Thank you very much for your kind words. I agree with QuirkyGirl99 that your perspective could well come from the past, particularly your family of origin. It seems that your mother expressed an attitude similar to what you are saying. She could have been speaking specifically about your father, but childredn don't make fine distinctions and a girl could internalize and generalize what her mother said, and conclude subconsciously that sex is always about making oneself available for use by a man. Also, I believe that low self-esteem, which I expect would also derive in large part from what happened as a child, can foster a belief that a man could not find you worthy and valuable as you, as SarahSweden, but only as a female body.

I do think that it would be valuable to discuss the situation with a T. But I don't think I would frame it as a purely sexual issue. I think the basic issues are self-esteem and your manner of attachment or non-attachment with others, and I expect these issues express themselves in many parts of your life, not just in sex. Perhaps that perspective would make it easier to obtain therapy.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks, I´m a bit touched by what you write and I can relate to much of what you describe. Did you experience something similar or are you perhaps working within therapy or psychology? You don´t have to answer if you don´t want to of course.

Yes, what I remember my mother spoke solely about my father, not about men in general like "men just want sex" or anything like that.

I haven´t thought about it so explicitly, the difference in thinking or seeing myself as a body, even if subconcious, and seeing myself as a person, who gets love be being just that person. I´ve never experienced love and I don´t really know how to feel it either.

It has to do with self-esteem as you say and I think quite a large part of my childhood has contributed to that. Now it feels like a very steep hill to get over and it also feels like missing out on things like dating when I was a teen and such.

I´m scared that I won´t get a T who´s willing to work around this as I can´t pay for therapy myself and in where I live therapy through the public health care doesn´t deal with issues around sexuality.

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thank you very much for your kind words. I agree with QuirkyGirl99 that your perspective could well come from the past, particularly your family of origin. It seems that your mother expressed an attitude similar to what you are saying. She could have been speaking specifically about your father, but childredn don't make fine distinctions and a girl could internalize and generalize what her mother said, and conclude subconsciously that sex is always about making oneself available for use by a man. Also, I believe that low self-esteem, which I expect would also derive in large part from what happened as a child, can foster a belief that a man could not find you worthy and valuable as you, as SarahSweden, but only as a female body.

I do think that it would be valuable to discuss the situation with a T. But I don't think I would frame it as a purely sexual issue. I think the basic issues are self-esteem and your manner of attachment or non-attachment with others, and I expect these issues express themselves in many parts of your life, not just in sex. Perhaps that perspective would make it easier to obtain therapy.

[QuirkyGirl99]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

For me it´s a shame even if not all people think of it as a shame. I wish I didn´t feel ashamed but I do. You only have to look upon statistics to see that I belong to a minority when it comes to not having sex and not experienced a relationship and being over 30.

I was in therapy but got terminated and now I have to look for another T. Because I can´t pay for therapy myself I´ll have to turn to the public health care and I don´t think they´ll let me talk about issues around sexuality. They more of treat depression and major psychiatric diagnoses.

I´m happy about the thing you mentioned, that I haven´t given myself to just anybody but I really wish I would have been able to find some kind of love earlier.

Have you looked into the possibility that you suffer from sort of erotophobia? This is a real and debilitating illness, which has to be treated. Here is just one of many links pertaining to it:
https://sexual-communication.wikispaces.com/Erotophobia
Btw, I'm not a Dr., so I don't if this is exactly what you are suffering from.
If you don't feel comfortable looking into or mentioning this, I would also recommend what Bill suggested. Find a good therapist and talk about your self-esteem issues, as well as your mother's unhealthy attitude toward sex.

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[Bill3]

Thank you very much again for your kind words.

One other thing that occurred to me is that children can think of their father as "men", imagining that other men are very much like him.

It made me sad to read that you have never experienced being loved.

(((((SarahSweden)))))

I do think that presenting yourself to a T as someone who struggles with low self-esteem and with finding friends/socializing might be worth considering if explicit sexuality as the central presenting issue isn't going to fly.

Everyone has made some very good points. And you are amazing at making yourself understood (I'm afraid I'm not so good at that, but here goes....)

Please do not take offense at anything I say...

When I was young and I had not had a boyfriend, I also wondered what the heck all the fuss was about. I did not get it.

The thing is, if you haven't had sex, (or found anyone that you WANT to have sex with) then you wouldn't have any kind of reference for it.

Perhaps you need real emotional attachment before you are able to feel desire. This isn't wrong. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way...

Just a thought...

[SarahSweden]

I read about this and the link you sent me and I don´t see myself having this kind of phobia. I can´t relate to such specific symptoms and I don´t "hide" from sex. I enjoy watching soft and intimate sex in a movie for example and I also get aroused by that.

I hope there will be room for discussing this with a T, it also has to be the right T who is comfortable discussing it. Have you any personal experience of sharing something around sexuality with a T? How did it go?

Originally Posted by QuirkyGirl99

Have you looked into the possibility that you suffer from sort of erotophobia? This is a real and debilitating illness, which has to be treated. Here is just one of many links pertaining to it:
https://sexual-communication.wikispaces.com/Erotophobia
Btw, I'm not a Dr., so I don't if this is exactly what you are suffering from.
If you don't feel comfortable looking into or mentioning this, I would also recommend what Bill suggested. Find a good therapist and talk about your self-esteem issues, as well as your mother's unhealthy attitude toward sex.

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[SarahSweden]

You´re worth those kind words and I appreciate being able to talk about this here. There aren´t many places to discuss those things.

Yes, even if I don´t remember how I processed what my mother told me about my father and their sex life I can see it can very much be that way, that I subconsciously have one and the same apprehension of men.

It´s a sorrow for me too, that I don´t know how love feels, I now mean love from and for a partner. I haven´t felt "friendship love" either, I would have wanted those close ties with another human.

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thank you very much again for your kind words.

One other thing that occurred to me is that children can think of their father as "men", imagining that other men are very much like him.

It made me sad to read that you have never experienced being loved.

(((((SarahSweden)))))

I do think that presenting yourself to a T as someone who struggles with low self-esteem and with finding friends/socializing might be worth considering if explicit sexuality as the central presenting issue isn't going to fly.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for giving your perspectives on this, I appreciate it. Thanks for the words about how I express myself in my post.

I didn´t take any offense by what you said. I agree to what you say, I never was that kind of girl and now woman who fell in love or felt attracted to singers or "idols" in general. I´ve never felt or feel attracted just by looking at another person, I need to know more and feel that a person is appealing in other ways than just by looks.

I have wondered "why" that is many times as I often heard about other girls talking about boys they found cute, especially in our teens but I never shared that experience with them.

I think I feel a bit embarrased by just the thought of being attracted to someone, to want someone. I don´t know why that is.

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Everyone has made some very good points. And you are amazing at making yourself understood (I'm afraid I'm not so good at that, but here goes....)

Please do not take offense at anything I say...

When I was young and I had not had a boyfriend, I also wondered what the heck all the fuss was about. I did not get it.

The thing is, if you haven't had sex, (or found anyone that you WANT to have sex with) then you wouldn't have any kind of reference for it.

Perhaps you need real emotional attachment before you are able to feel desire. This isn't wrong. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way...

Just a thought...

[Aaditya]

Please consider a visit to a therapist because that can help dispel many notions about having sex and that will, I believe, ease the situation immensely.

[SarahSweden]

Yes, I would really want a T to work with on those issues but it´s not that easy to find one. Do you mean a T could "explain" things around sex and because of that make me feel more at ease about how I feel about sex?

Originally Posted by Aaditya

Please consider a visit to a therapist because that can help dispel many notions about having sex and that will, I believe, ease the situation immensely.