trying to find out my sexuality (MIGHT TRIGGER)

THIS MIGHT TRIGGER SOME PEOPLE ************************************** SEXUAL CONTENT **************************************************************************
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i don't want to offend anyone or say something that i'm not supposed to. i tryed not to be to graphic. this is pretty much the only place i think will be safe to talk to about this.

i been trying to figure out what my sexuality is and where it comes from. i was molested and raped when i was a kid. when i was older and i was a teenager i went with men but mostly because i needed a place to stay and i was afraid of being alone. the idea of being with a woman never came into my head cause i never thought a woman would want to be with me cause of all the stuff that happened when i was a kid made me to gross and a woman wouldn't want to touch me. my mother didn't really ever hug me or want me around much and she said i was dirty so i thought that how it was.

the first relationship i had was with a guy. i was 15 or 16 and he was in his 40s. i thought that i loved him but he was abusive. he ended up putting me in the hospital is how it ended. i was in jail for a few years and i had sexual relationships with men there to.

after i got out of prison i had a relationship with a woman. we were both alcoholics and she was abusive to. we never had sex. she used to yell at me so much i'd get to nervous and i couldn't.

i didn't do anything for a long time until i met the woman that i'm marryed to know. she's been really good to me and she made me comfortable enough to have sex with her. it is still really hard for me sometimes even though i love her very very much.

i get afraid that i will hurt her by accident or i'm to ugly and she'll hate me or she'll think i'm dirty a lot of different bad things go through my head. i also have a lot of bad scars around my privates from some of things that happened and i don't like for her to see that.

we got a son now and been marryed awhile and i been in therapy for a long time and more and more stuff is getting jogged loose in my head. and i told her recently that i sometimes think about having sex with men. she didn't take it as good as i hoped she would. she was afraid that i was gay and i wanted to not be with her anymore but that's not how it is. i want to be with my wife until i die but its all really confusing.

she's been really accepting about helping me figure things out. she is open sexually and sometimes she uses toys with me and stuff like that but she worrys that i don't find her attractive sexually like a husband should think of his wife. i think she's the most beautiful woman in the world but thinking about having sex with her or thinking about her parts to me is being degrading to her so i don't think about her like that.

things go good off and on. its pretty much just me being confusing. sometimes one thing that is ok with sex is not ok the next time and i don't know why.

then everything changed a few days ago. we went away for the holiday and stayed with some of our friends who are gay. after talking and drinking for awhile we ended up all fooling around together. our friends our are both guys we took turns giving each other oral sex while my wife watched then me and my wife did it while they did.

i really liked it. my wife said she liked it to. we known them both for a long time and i trust them and we're both comfortable with them. my wife said she don't mind if we do it again just she don't want me having actual sexual intercourse with them but she said touching and oral sex is ok and i don't want anyone touching her at all. she's ok with that.

i really really liked being with all of them and having that experience together. it made me feel really comfortable and good about myself. i felt like they all liked me and thought i was good looking. i never really feel like that. but then afterwards the next couple days i started to wish i didn't do it cause i'm afraid of being gay. i know that being gay is ok and that its natural and nothing wrong with it but i don't want to be gay cause i'm marryed and i love my wife and love our son. there my the whole world to me and i don't want to ruin that and i don't understand why i feel the way i do.

i know that people are born gay and you don't choose if you're gonna be gay or not and i really really don't want to offend anyone but do you think its possible that i have sexual feelings about men because i got abused? and another thing that scares me is the thing that really really turns me and can get me off is thinking about being hurt. it scares me that i think about this and i try not to but sometimes when i mastrabate i think about being raped. and sometimes i wish that my wife would slap me and pull my hair and do stuff like that. she would never do anything like that so i ain't even asked her (but she gonna know now cause she's gonna read this)

sorry i put so much and sorry if i said anythign i shouldn't have. i don't know how to say a lot of this stuff and i don't mean to offend anyone. but i really want to konw what other people think. if what i'm feeling is ok or not.

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

First I would like to say - I am sorry for all the pain and confusion you are having to deal with.........

Now from a personal side of the fence I would like to ask - Is it possible that you are having all these mixed up feelings due to your sexual past, both from abuse & consent, have they confused your mind so much that you have not really had a normal chance to decide who you are?

I ask for I went thru some thing similar to what you are describing and I once thought I might be gay or bi, but it turned out more to be that I was so fearful and angry at what many men had done to me sexually as a child that my mind found it easier to love and attach to females...... for they had not hurt me (emotionally, physically or sexually).

nothing I can say will make it better or less confusing , but I am sorry for your struggles and wish you the strength and perseverence to find your way

nothing I can say will make it better or less confusing , but I am sorry for your struggles and wish you the strength and perseverence to find your way

thank you for writing back.

i don't know what is supposed to be normal for me. i never really had a chance to figure it out. i didn't know what sex was the first time i was raped. i didn't know what was happening to me.

not just with sex stuff but i always try and think about how i'm supposed to be or what i would be like if that stuff never happened.

i think that if i didn't ever get hurt i wouldn't think about getting being hurt as something sexual i need though.

I would imagine being sexually abused would confuse anyone hon. even if you are bi sexual don't beat yourself up over it. keep talking to your therapist about it. as far as the fling recently with your wife and friends I think that would only cause conflict at some point with your wife. please stay safe.

bebop -- do you think there is anyway that we can do that and have it be ok?

Hi Sincity - your post was so sincere and open that it brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry that you're struggling. It's understandable WHY you are, yet probably very few people can truly understand HOW you are feeling.

I agree with Bebop that continuing a sexual relationship with your friends will very likely put a strain on your marriage, even if your wife is ok with it now. If she already worries about you not finding her sexually attractive, continuing with your friends will reinforce her fears. It is very, very important for a wife in a loving relationship to feel attractive to her husband - it goes beyond all logic and intellectual reasoning - it's almost an innate emotional need.

I know how on top of the world you must have been to have felt attractive to your friends, but my advice to you would be to hold onto that memory and keep it there. Continue confidently in your marriage knowing that you are an attractive man. But keep it as a fond memory and a beautiful fantasy and don't act on it again. If you're confused now, you'll be even more so later and you stand to bring your wife and son down with you.

Sending you my support
LMo

sincity, so much of what you wrote is familiar to me so I'm going to reply very carefully. I have the utmost sympathy for what you're going through and while I don't have all the answers, I want you to know that I understand.

First, not everyone is born gay. Most are, but some become gay due to their sexual history. It's the nature vs. nurture thing; some are gay due to nature, others are gay due to events in their life. I, for example, do not believe I was born bisexual but due to molestation I am now. I'm ok with this bisexual identity but I also have to acknowledge it's origin. I should also state that all of these issues are something I work on in therapy and I highly encourage you to do the same.

To this day I find my sexuality confusing. Here are my issues:

- Like you I am married but I am attracted to men. I have fantasies about them, etc. The strength of these urges varies and I feel I'm slightly more attracted to women.
- I am very needy when it comes to physical attention (I need the validation and to be touched to feel loved). My self esteem also seems somewhat dependent on physical attention.
- I use toys to satisfy urges that I don't allow myself to go outside my marriage to satisfy. My wife knows about and approves of this but has chosen not to be involved with it.
- I worry constantly about how my sexual needs might be hurting or objectifying my wife (even though everything about our sexual relationship is very normal)
- I've had periods where I struggled to be faithful
- I've had periods where I wished/fantasized that I could be female (mainly to be wanted by men sexually).
- I've had periods of cross dressing.
- I have sexual fantasies that feature being hurt or controlled by another. I'm extremely submissive.
- In my late teens I was extremely promiscuous.

Again, all these things are issues I'm dealing with in therapy but there is some good news. Some of this stuff is fine! Sure, a little outside the norm but who cares? You have a partner that seems to understand and even tries to cater to some of your unusual desires. That's great! That's a very healthy outlet as long as you both feel ok about it. My suspicion is that, in the end, healthy for you will mean a very developed understanding between you and your wife about what you both need and are comfortable with in bed.

What worries me a bit is the incident with your friends. In some very rare cases an arrangement can be worked out in which this sort of thing is ok. But in MOST cases unexpected emotions emerge and these group sessions undermine the core relationship. This is true even when both parties communicate thoroughly about their expectations, feelings, and so on. But the truth is, most people don't communicate that well and then it's truly doomed from the start. For example, if your wife doesn't really like this but is trying to accomodate you, she's already starting this situation in a pretty negative state. Aware of it or not, this negative equals a small amount of distance and loss of true intimacy between the two of you. This negative can grow and fester, it can turn to hurt and rejection and jealousy, and can end a relationship.

In light of all of that, I have chosen not to pursue this sort of thing in my own marriage (oh how I wish I could but my marriage is too important to me). I can't tell you what to do but for now, that's where I'm at.

As for what you are? Up to you, really. You sound bisexual to me but what the hell do I know? I'd say look into your own heart and you'll get an answer to that question.

I hope this was helpful. Believe it or not, it was actually kind of helpful to me to hear someone out there is so similar to myself.

PM me if you like.

Good luck and be safe.

Cyran0

I just really want to commend you for how you explained things CyranO. I am just in aww of your honesty and sincerity towards Sin and all the others out there ( including myself ) who have been thru some awful things. Truely did bring some peace of mind to me too.

Sin... buddy... you know I am here for you also. I just didnt know what to say to you . It took great courage for you to open up like this. And I hope you can see your not alone now. Your not weird. YOU are not Gross. You've got a heart of gold, and your a very special person, inside and out, Embrace that. Your so worth it.

Luv ya lil Bro~
Beth

sincity I can't imagine all you have been through or dealt w/ but I hope you can find truth and hope in all that everyone has written. I think Cryan0 has great points! I am a female but I find myself dealing w/ most of the same issues. I only wish I was male sometimes rather than female and often wear my b/f friends cloths. @ first he had issues w/ me wanting girls and dressing like a guy but you have to talk through this and get past the initial insecurities and all will work out fine. Hell my guy and I got things "talked out" and now I have a shaved head and hair under my arms! I wish you the best and I really find you courage and honesty admirable. ((((good luck))))) girlN

Sunshine, thanks. There's always that moment of hesitation before I post so it helps to hear something like that.

Cyran0

cyrano-thank you so much for writing back. reading everything you said i was just thinking that's me! that's me! that's me! you said everything i just like how i been feeling but you talk a hole lot better then i do and said it better. i feel so selfish and guilty and disgusting for feeling this stuff about guys but you made me feel a lot better and its so good to know i'm not the only one and not a freak and that your marryed and its ok.

i never tryed cross dressing but a lot of times i try to be somebody else or think of myself as somebody different and try to look and be tough like the kind of guys i would want to be with if i wasn't marryed. maybe it kinda comes from the same place.

do you think its ok to think about being hurt in a sexual way? i mean not just like being submission but like really getting beat up or raped? when i told my wife i think that sometimes she was really upset and she cryed a lot. my therapist says its not healthy to but that stuff just jumps in my head.

thank you again for writing everything you did

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sincity74 said:
do you think its ok to think about being hurt in a sexual way? i mean not just like being submission but like really getting beat up or raped?

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IMO - as a sexually abused child for ten years......
I would have to say that thinking about getting hurt during sex is kind of our way of dealing with being raped as a child....... its called "Trauma Bonding" where we bond to that which hurt us in the first place as a means to heal the inner pain in a strangely odd but close way.

sin, I agree with Rhapsody's explanation of why this happens. So what to do about it?

As thoughts and fantasies, these are fine. They're just more of what we were already talking about. I don't know what the mental health establishment recommends but I personally believe it's important to understand and deal with these urges.

But bringing this sort of thing into your life and relationship is problematic. These fantasies upset your wife so that alone may mean this area is something you just deal with through masturbation. Masturbation is a completely acceptable way of exploring and dealing with these particular fantasies. Role playing is also a possibility but again, not if your wife is not up to it (and please, be sure to respect her feelings with regards to these issues).

So yeah, I think the feelings are relatively common but you need to use care in how you deal with it.

Cyran0

I personally found that it was best NOT to tell my husband about my the odd feelings & thoughts I was having sexually...... I left that talk to take place with my T and myself.

BTW - I found that I was able to lessen my bizarre sexual thoughts and finally deal with it until they were no longer a big pulling force in my life - by digging deep and working thru my most feared wounds over an eight year span in therapy..... for it is thru HEALING that we are able to get back to being NORMAL (what I felt was normal for me).

sin hon I really think some good counseling about this might help. I do feel for you hon. I really think doing this with friends and your wife will damage the marriage. it took great courage for you to put all this here at pc. I truely admire you for being able to do that. please take good care of yourself.

i've talked about it with my wife and we're not going to do anything like that with our friends again. i wish it could work that we could but i know in my heart it won't and i can't let that happen. and i gotta remember that sex ain't supposed to be about just getting off and i love my wife more then just getting off could ever be important to me. most of the time i don't even think about it all.

i'm really really surprised to see that a couple people here think about being hurt or raped in a sexual way. do you think its ok to think about that stuff? i thought i was real sick in the head for thinking it and tryed to not let myself think that stuff anymore. and i wanted to ask to, do you think its ok to look at gay pictures if your marryed?

thank you again everybody for writing back. i been real messed up about this for awhile and real afraid to say anything about it and when i freak out and start thinking stupid stuff i been coming back and reading everything you guys said and i feel so much better thank you

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sincity74 said:
i'm really really surprised to see that a couple people here think about being hurt or raped in a sexual way. do you think its ok to think about that stuff? i thought i was real sick in the head for thinking it and tryed to not let myself think that stuff anymore. and i wanted to ask to, do you think its ok to look at gay pictures if your marryed?

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Funny thing, sexual thoughts, you can't always control them. But they're just thoughts. It's how you respond to them both inside and outside your head that matters. If these thoughts disturb you (or if the fact that they excite you disturbs you), or if you think they might cause you to hurt someone else, then these thoughts are terrible and need to be dealt with by a professional therapist. If, on the other hand, they're just fantasies and you feel ok about it, don't worry about it. They are just thoughts.

Is it ok to look at gay pictures (porn, I assume) when you're married? That depends on the marriage. If it bothers your wife, then it's a bad idea. If you're both ok with it, then knock yourself out. After all, it's better than going outside your marriage to work out these feelings. But again, respect your wife's wishes regarding material like porn as some find it very hurtful.

Cyran0

I’ve read that many people, men and women alike, fantasize about being raped. It’s hard to write that sentence because the concepts are completely different. In a fantasy, while you may be the one that is submissive, it is still YOUR fantasy, and YOU are still in control. In reality…. well, too many of us know the reality.

And I’m just throwing this out there, if you’ve ever read one of those cheesy romance novels, the basic plot line is: man is strong, woman is beautiful, man forces woman, woman and man realize they love each other. So if you’re the only one fantasizing about it, you’re buying an awful lot of books!

Good luck and God Bless!

I'm replying to add a trigger icon so that it can be seen from the main page that this is definitely a triggery topic. If everyone can continue to add a trigger icon, it would be much appreciated. I can add it later if its forgotten.


Rayna

You're not alone sincity and I applaud you for sharing so much of yourself. Sexuality can be so confusing to some, like us.

I'm struggling with my own sexuality and T and I talk about it quite often. I had a very interesting conversation with my husband this weekend about how I feel I am bisexual.

I've had some minor experiences but honestly until therapy, it was all pushed deep down inside of me. Now I'm married with a child and trying to figure it all out. It is very distressing at times.

At least now my husband is aware of where my thoughts are and he still loves me. He said it is easier to think of me being attracted to women than another guy...go figure!

I'm no closer to answers though because I can't really pursue a different life with a husband and child who I put first before me.

I was abused but not by a woman and I'm not sure if that is always a precursor to sexual identity. My T is gay and he wasn't abused. Plenty of people are a different orientation and were not abused.

Having said that, it adds to confusion for sure if you are abused. It is a very complex topic and because of you, I felt able to share some of this tonight.

Thanks!