[Christine520]

My husband and I have been married 11years, together 18 and we have 3kids. My husband watches internet porn(only girl on girl) when I am not home and then tries to hide it from me which I ofter find after lots of searching on his laptop. I feel like I can't trust him and I don't understand why he does this? I told him I would be okay with it if we watched it together or if he told me when he did it but he still feels the need to hide it from me and often lie about it when confronted. Is it okay for men to look at porn and masterbate when their wife is not home? I feel sick everytime I think about him doing this while I am at work, is this something I should end my marriage over? If he lies about this what eles is he lying about?

[pachyderm]

Just a thought: it is about SEX. Even though you are married with children and all that, it doesn't mean that there is not a lot of sexual repression in your husband, like many, many men. And that is one reason it is hidden: we have been taught that it is dirty and shameful and bad and should not be there at all. And yet it is... Looking at sex may be an attempt to affirm that we still resist the attempts to repress us. In a way it can be life-affirming (Isn't that what sex is? ) if it is not the sadistic kind.

Don't know if this applies to your husband or not. Just some suggestions.

[salix11]

Considering that a lot porn (note that there is erotica which is different from porn) is about POWER, submission, fulfilling only the male's desires, where male authority is never challenged by women and women are willing servants, and degrading women rather than just the act of sex, he may find that arousing, though you do say he watches only girl on girl, but a lot of that porn also hints at the male fantasy rather than the act of sex alone. Also, it is an unrealistic fantasy world. That reason alone may be why he does not want to involve you in watching it with him, because he's attempting to escape from reality.

I think it is up to you whether you will be comfortable with a man you are married to to watch porn (your boundaries are important); not all men watch porn, I have male friends who do not watch it and find it disgusting and are not repressed anti-sexual subhumans as some may suggest, if that is part of your worries about whether you should end the marriage or not over the subject of porn. And if he's lying about it, there may be a bigger problem with him than just him watching porn, it could possibly be an addiction.

[jacqueline1110]

I wouldn't see that as a problem. Maybe your issue with it is causing him to hide it even more, thinking of leaving him over it, he probably knows how deeply you feel about this? That is a pretty strong reaction. I don't feel the need to disclose every girlie secret of my private time to any man. Why the need to know everything he does in private by himself? Could you imagine a man obsessing about your vibrator(if you have one) and what kind of a man would husband would he be if he thought of leaving you for using it? What about your personal intimate time alone? I gotta give credit to men here, no matter how much porn I watch they never give up on me. That was a joke btw. Be glad it's not two real women he's watching and be glad you have a husband of many years, and beautiful children. Lucky you!

[digdug]

Is it really his laptop? If so, why are you searching through it so much? Even though you're catching him in a lie, I think it's a bit invasive.

People need to set boundaries when it comes to computer "spying". When my wife uses my laptop for the Internet, she uses a different browser so she doesn't see my history...not that I'm looking at anything really bad, though I'm sure she wouldn't be pleased to find out that I've been Googling things like "suicidal thoughts" (not that I'm having any at the moment, but I do check such things).

I'm not trying to be confrontational, just offering some advice.

[CedarS]

Originally Posted by Christine520

My husband and I have been married 11years, together 18 and we have 3kids. My husband watches internet porn(only girl on girl) when I am not home and then tries to hide it from me which I ofter find after lots of searching on his laptop. I feel like I can't trust him and I don't understand why he does this? I told him I would be okay with it if we watched it together or if he told me when he did it but he still feels the need to hide it from me and often lie about it when confronted. Is it okay for men to look at porn and masterbate when their wife is not home? I feel sick everytime I think about him doing this while I am at work, is this something I should end my marriage over? If he lies about this what eles is he lying about?

You have the right to have your own preferences and wishes. As does your husband. You two also get to negotiate out what works for both of you.

Some options:

• you don't understand his internet porn use - you could ask him more about it to learn, you could talk with a therapist and get their ideas, you can read up on cybersex (I've even found books on the subject at my public library, you can also find some through Amazon or local bookstore such as Cybersex exposed and Tangled in the Web), you can learn more and make your own decisions based on your values
• you feel you can't trust him - do all of the above, definitely talk with him, maybe even get couples counseling
• maybe you find yourself worrying too much about what he might be doing and what it might mean - you can get counseling, find other things to do, work on agreements with your husband

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with you being concerned about this, you get to have your own emotions and concerns. I also don't think there is necessarily automatically wrong with what your husband is doing. The challenge looks to be to figure out something that works for both of you.

You worrying about this, you feeling more mistrustful, he possibly feeling more furtive and defensive = tension and conflict. Communication can help. Getting couples counseling can help with communication.

He may or may not be addicted to internet porn activities. If he is, just like dealing with someone addicted to a substance, you feeling upset and stressed about this won't help either of you.

Ultimately if you don't like something, you don't like it. You then might decide that this is really important to you, even a deal breaker, or something you can live with if other things change.

Me personally - I choose to not be in a relationship with a man who uses porn. My choice isn't necessarily good or bad but it is right for me.

Good luck with this, I know it is a challenge for many couples who are online.

[trouble4crowe]

I don't really get it either, but my fiance does the same thing. He's not into anything really "out there", but I understand the hurt, feelings of betrayal, etc. Especially when the girls they seem to want to look at are 20 years younger than us (me).

He has repeatedly lied to me about the porn, cybersex, and even inappropriate "chats" with old girlfriends. Complete with them sending him pics of them in sexy outfits.

He suffers from combat-related PTSD, and I know the men "in the field" escape via whatever media available. Sex sites are common. I can't find it acceptable and am having the same dilemma you are experiencing.

I really love this guy, but the porn is driving me nuts!

I know you must think I am like the watch brigade BUT could this please be moved to the sex forum.......

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by Tishie

I know you must think I am like the watch brigade BUT could this please be moved to the sex forum.......

You're a watch dog!

Seriously though...It really depends on the man. I used to enjoy porn, not because it was domination of the woman, or sexual fantasies with those particular women, but because my sex life just sucked. No details, but I was married and if I was lucky, I was getting it once a month, if that. I am not addicted to sex, but I'll tell ya, if I don't get it three times a week or more, I get very frustrated.

Now, after a lot of learning about me, my wife, and sex vs. making love, I can't enjoy porn in the least, literally. I tried and it just doesn't do anything for me...where as I look at my wife (TMI maybe) in her bra and thong, and I can't get up in front of my children for a while (if ya know what I mean). I am not that young either, not that old, 41...but I have found, for me, that variation, (I am not kinky) and changing routines really helps curb the need to even look at another woman let alone porn, also the way I feel about my wife, and for reason of my faith. I don't know how many other men out there either for religious views, or whatever feel the same as me, I know I am not a rare case, by any means. I say as the others, make him listen to you, and you listen to him, talk about it and get it out. I don't believe in, if the husband is home, the wife should be masturbating, or when the wife is home the man should be masturbating...you are there for each other, and I feel something, mental or physical, is wrong if you are not with your partner when they are right there. Alone, and not giving you what you need (both sides here) I believe is wrong too, and things need to be worked out. Lying about it is worse...I actually caught my wife doing it, I walked in on her, and for 5 years she denied it, finally telling me yes she was. Trust was broken, I was home ... why not me, why alone...I know why, again no details, but these things need to be talked about. I really don't think it should end a marriage, counseling for him or you both is always a good option. GL!

Originally Posted by ihateit

You're a watch dog!

Seriously though...It really depends on the man. I used to enjoy porn, not because it was domination of the woman, or sexual fantasies with those particular women, but because my sex life just sucked. No details, but I was married and if I was lucky, I was getting it once a month, if that. I am not addicted to sex, but I'll tell ya, if I don't get it three times a week or more, I get very frustrated.

Now, after a lot of learning about me, my wife, and sex vs. making love, I can't enjoy porn in the least, literally. I tried and it just doesn't do anything for me...where as I look at my wife (TMI maybe) in her bra and thong, and I can't get up in front of my children for a while (if ya know what I mean). I am not that young either, not that old, 41...but I have found, for me, that variation, (I am not kinky) and changing routines really helps curb the need to even look at another woman let alone porn, also the way I feel about my wife, and for reason of my faith. I don't know how many other men out there either for religious views, or whatever feel the same as me, I know I am not a rare case, by any means. I say as the others, make him listen to you, and you listen to him, talk about it and get it out. I don't believe in, if the husband is home, the wife should be masturbating, or when the wife is home the man should be masturbating...you are there for each other, and I feel something, mental or physical, is wrong if you are not with your partner when they are right there. Alone, and not giving you what you need (both sides here) I believe is wrong too, and things need to be worked out. Lying about it is worse...I actually caught my wife doing it, I walked in on her, and for 5 years she denied it, finally telling me yes she was. Trust was broken, I was home ... why not me, why alone...I know why, again no details, but these things need to be talked about. I really don't think it should end a marriage, counseling for him or you both is always a good option. GL!

I have read it twice and it still does not make much sense to me, sorry.

[PLEASE_STOP]

I find nothing interesting about internet porn. I mean really.....so you can look at some sex on your computer screen...big deal!

I guess what ever turns a person on....go for it!

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by Tishie

I have read it twice and it still does not make much sense to me, sorry.

See, told you I sometimes have problems articulating...

I guess my first point was, and I ramble a lot, sorry, I don't personally find porn any fun, not interesting, don't want to look at it, doesn't turn me on, etc., etc., etc. Only my wife can do for me sexually, what I need. I look at porn, and nothing, I look at wife and BAM, WOW, WOOT!

My second point is, well, basically communication. If it bothers her that much that he is doing this, she needs to sit him down, and really make him listen, not just hear, and she needs him to talk and say why he's doing it, and if they can't figure out a solution, maybe a T or marriage counseling would be of some help.

Maybe I should really think about stuff before I type them heh...shrug.

Gotcha !

Well I had a very simlar experience I took the baby out for a walk got to the end of the road changed my mind and came home the catch hubby playing on the internet, my first reaction was to laugh which really didnt go down too well as he was alread mortified that he had been caught by someone.

I then hit the roof cos how dare he keep secrets ! I was livid at him for doing so, not the act of watching porn but for not telling me, I had to badger him for a fair bit before he would talk about it as he was just so embarrased, but in the end he came round to my way of thinking and promised me that in future if I ask if he has been on the net then he would tell me the truth.

Men are different to woman I find in that they are more visual (not all just most in my experience) its not an 'affair' its a pleasure and an 'easy' release without the pressure of pleasureing someone else.

It really depends on the woman and the man involved if it bothers you then yes you have to deal with it if not then come to an agreement !

Good luck with whatever you decide ......

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by Tishie

Gotcha !

Well I had a very simlar experience I took the baby out for a walk got to the end of the road changed my mind and came home the catch hubby playing on the internet, my first reaction was to laugh which really didnt go down too well as he was alread mortified that he had been caught by someone.

I then hit the roof cos how dare he keep secrets ! I was livid at him for doing so, not the act of watching porn but for not telling me, I had to badger him for a fair bit before he would talk about it as he was just so embarrased, but in the end he came round to my way of thinking and promised me that in future if I ask if he has been on the net then he would tell me the truth.

Men are different to woman I find in that they are more visual (not all just most in my experience) its not an 'affair' its a pleasure and an 'easy' release without the pressure of pleasureing someone else.

It really depends on the woman and the man involved if it bothers you then yes you have to deal with it if not then come to an agreement !

Good luck with whatever you decide ......

Yup, this is true, men are much more visual than women. Good point there!

[salukigirl]

i used to have a problem with porn but then my ex explained it to me this way that when he watches it if im at work or out of town etc... hes imagining it with me. hes not imagining himself with those girls, he said it makes him think of having sex with me. and i never really believed him. til one time he was out of town and i watched one of his dvds just to see what it was all about and all it really made me want was him. thats when i kind of understood porn a little more. when ur not with someone it probably is just the visual stimulation and thinking about urself in that position. but when ur with someone u care about, its not about that, its just extra y'know? women are much more mentally in tuned while guys need that visual stimulation. thats all it is. i would be much more concerned with him lying about it rather then the actual watching it.

[kmk2009]

Leave your husband over him masturbating? If the rest of the world felt this way, the divorce rate would be 100%. If you and he have come to an understanding that this happens - and he is uncomfortable with this admission, and you are equally uncomfortable with thinking about this - well, a mutual don't ask, don't tell policy might be in order.

Privacy issues, even in a trusting marriage are crutial to success..I am the last one to give advice, but if there are deep trust issues, or legit concerns on fidelity, then you should both consider some professional advise.

If there are not real trust issues, then try something new and go and start masturbating with him (online and offline), it might be the next level of excitement for you both...full disclosure, nothing more trusting than masturbating in front of each other.

[SICKlySweet]

I feel for you, and I realize the pain of it. So I don't mean to negate what your points are.

Your Headline: Why Do Men Watch Internet Porn?

Really annoys me actually. Men aren't the only culprits in this case. Many women do it as well. I know a few that have myself, and I Myself do as well. I know I always feel dirty after doing so, and is a problem I haven't discussed with my T and will most likely get to eventually. I was NEVER sexually abused.

Not all fantasies have to be played out, hence why they are fantasies. And I am just trying to tell you from my stand point what I may get from watching porn as a younger female. I would rather watch it with a bf. But it is something I try to hide. Because there is the whole stigma of, "I must be a slut if I like to watch Porn" and yet it is okay for men, because they are more visual. I am a VERY visual young women. To each their own. I like beer and cake too, does that make me a Fat Hick?? haha anyways tangent.

Lieing, obsessively monitoring someone else, sounds like a real problem. And yelling at someone (not saying you did) while one has been caught doing an act that is an embarrassment to ones self would only want to make a person want to hide it more. Or do it less with the actual person.

Hope everything works out for you. Take Care.

[Rhapsody]

((( HUGS ))) - I feel your pain and I understand it from the wife's pov (been there) - please know that his looking does not lessen the love he holds for you and that this problem (if it is a problem for him) is about him and has nothing to do with you not being enough... it has to with him trying to find something that leaves him feeling like man when he feels less than a man.

Feel free to PM me any time as I struggled with this same issue with my husband for ten long hurt breaking years..... but the good news is that we made it through the bad and we are loving each other again.

[v214k]

I'm having an issue with this too. I have been with my bf for years and years and it has always been a problem. He always masturbates basically every day so I know he has a huge sex drive but he never comes on to me... ever. If I try to initiate sex with him he tells me not to touch him. Then 10 min later I'll catch him masturbating. I have told him countless times how bad this hurts me but he says that only sluts want sex and that I don't really want it...
He tells me that he only thinks about me when he watches it but I don't buy it because he could just actually come and have sex with me if he wanted instead of fantasizing about it.
It makes me feel really worthless and ugly and he knows this but nothing changes.

[salukigirl]

v214k....that sounds like a real problem. i know that after my boyfriend and i started having sex he basically quit watching it. he doesnt hide it or anything, tells me what he looks at, what sites he goes to etc... and i told him that as long as it wasnt anything too crazy like depicting rape scenes and such i was fine with it. but after we started having sex hes admitted that hes watched it maybe once. thats how its always been with my exes. they admit to watching it a lot while single but once we got together and eventually started having sex they pretty much quit because they didn't need to anymore. the fact that youre making yourself readily availible and he sayd don't touch me, then you catch him masturbating....that doesnt sound healthy at all. and no, not only sluts want sex. i think id look into that a little more than just saying "it hurts me". sounds like there are much deeper issues here, either with him or with your relationship.

as for getting upset about men watching porn....i think its fine as long as it doesnt show other unhealthy behavior. i consider watching things where women are raped etc... as unhealthy behavior because any guy that can get off to women being beaten...i dont want to be with. or if he watched it 24/7. but just a flick every now and then...thats nothing to get upset about. and i think if thats the case then you need to look at your own self-esteem and why it still bothers you, like ive said before.

[bluenarciss]

Hello,

first thing that came to my mind when reading the opener was: why asking other people and not the husband at hand?

I live in central Europe, and maybe there is a cultural difference in seeing sexual issues and coping with them, another sight that probably might be of some help.

The question why a hubby has a sex-life of its own, alone and not with his wife can have several answers, and not all of them indicate serious relationship or sex problems. Accepting that men - as women alike - do have a private sphere, even in a relationship or marriage, is a more custom thing here in Europe than in anglo-saxon/american culture, as I see it.

Nobody expects to be the all-and-everything for his/her partner. Which includes that a wife can give herself a little secret pleasure if she likes to, or that a husband is allowed to masturbate alone if he wants to. No one would consider this automatically a threat to love, marriage or relationship. As long as there are not other signals that the partnership is getting loose.

One of those signals is avoiding to talk about the status quo of the marriage or relationship. Becoming unable to talk about sexual issues, especially a change of needs, fantasies and desires can be an important indicator of a growing estrangement between partners.

But becoming intrusive or spyful will in most cases only bring up or enhance a conflict.

Asking why means to express that one does not understand. Learning and understanding can grow only in dialogue without pressurizing with expectations like "I want you to stop that". Partnership is not a give and take of orders, at least as I see it. Telling "I don't understand why you do that" opens a door for a confidential sharing of what actually is up.

In cases like that, when interests conflict, there will be no satisfactory solution if only one side is accounted for.

Remember both your age. The coming of age when children are grown up brings its changes, to female sexuality as well as to men's. You have the choice to adapt to this change together as a couple, or separate, everyone on his own ways.

Just my opinion, don't want to offend anyone.

With kind regards,
bluenarciss

[v214k]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

v214k....that sounds like a real problem. i know that after my boyfriend and i started having sex he basically quit watching it. he doesnt hide it or anything, tells me what he looks at, what sites he goes to etc... and i told him that as long as it wasnt anything too crazy like depicting rape scenes and such i was fine with it. but after we started having sex hes admitted that hes watched it maybe once. thats how its always been with my exes. they admit to watching it a lot while single but once we got together and eventually started having sex they pretty much quit because they didn't need to anymore. the fact that youre making yourself readily availible and he sayd don't touch me, then you catch him masturbating....that doesnt sound healthy at all. and no, not only sluts want sex. i think id look into that a little more than just saying "it hurts me". sounds like there are much deeper issues here, either with him or with your relationship.

as for getting upset about men watching porn....i think its fine as long as it doesnt show other unhealthy behavior. i consider watching things where women are raped etc... as unhealthy behavior because any guy that can get off to women being beaten...i dont want to be with. or if he watched it 24/7. but just a flick every now and then...thats nothing to get upset about. and i think if thats the case then you need to look at your own self-esteem and why it still bothers you, like ive said before.

Yeahhh I think he's just having issues because he's gained some weight... I don't think he feels attractive... He's just so out of shape... and sometimes he'll actually say sex is too much work for him. I mean, I don't care... I'm still attracted to him. I think what it comes down to is him being really depressed.... We're thinking about going to a sex therapist.

[v214k]

I wouldn't expect him to stop watching porn at all... because actually men can achieve higher arousal from masturbating as opposed to having sex because they aren't as worried about how their partner is feeling.. but yeah.. it'd be nice to get sex once in a while considering I'm only 23..... I mean I only need it a few times a month. I'm totally fine with that.

[Rhapsody]

When I see the title of this post I always think......

1. Why do birds fly
2. Why do women cry
3. Why do we ask WHY

then I say (to my self) - that is your answer to WHY (because)

[Brian37]

men watch pornography for various reasons...myself due to my lack of emotional connection with my wife...I cannot be intimate with her, thus I find the pornography gratifying because it requires no intimacy and is self gratifying

but all kidding aside...pornography can do major psychological damage and is a definite marriage killer

having spent 15 plus years and probably close to 10 grand on pornography I can attest to its addictive and destructive nature

Im trying to recover but its not going well...what may sound like harmless fun can lead to varying degrees of destructive behavior