Dream of My Son Losing a Tooth?

Well, I always had dreams about losing teeth myself, but I believe it was last night, I had a dream that my son had all his teeth. As far as I know he still has his two-year old molars to come in. In this dream, his teeth were odd, they went around the whole inside of his mouth. I mean in the back, it was like the front....Well, one of his first molars came out in the dream and I had to help him get it out of his mouth so he wouldn't choke on it. I understood the dreams about me losing teeth, but why would I have a dream about my son losing teeth? He's only 18 months old.

because you have the same worries about yourself - about your son too. its about control and development and deep fear

That makes a lot of sense. I have a deep fear, more like a phobia, that my son will be abused or mistreated like I was. That I'm still afraid about for myself as well. The fear is him being hurt, the control is that I try to control the situation, by not letting anyone else watch him. It is definitely a deep fear.

Your son is getting older and growing up out of his 100% needing care baby self and becoming a person in his own right. Perhaps his tooth losing is a reminder to you of that. Two year olds are "explorers", learning about the wider world from the safe base of their care giver. But they have to be allowed to explore on their own, can't be held back too tightly or they won't mature properly/will develop our own fears.

Perna is very right. Its great that you acknoweldge this and can adjust.

Some dream interpretation says that if we dream of a child its our alter ego and its really about ourselves. The fact that you dreamt about your own child maybe means that you have separation problem, which goes hand in hand with what has been written above by you, me and Perna. Does this feel right?

Yes I definitely have separation anxiety myself about him. One time, when I was visiting my mother out-of-state, she just took him for a few minutes to the bank and I freaked out and had a panic attack, even though I told her it was okay. And then, she took me to the dentist and took him back to the house with her, that freaked me out as well. When she took me to therapy four times it wasn't as bad, because she left him with my grandmother and then went back to him, but I was upset when she picked me up and didn't bring him with her. I ran into the house when we got back. She's supposed to be coming to visit me soon, so I hope I can work on this phobia then. Since I trust my mom with my son a lot more than I trust most people.

I'm really glad that he is growing into his own self, it takes less energy out of me that he can feed himself and tell me when he's hungry or want he wants or whatever else. I'm liking that I can start to conversate with him. I don't exactly control him too much in the house. I let him explore and play, but it's outside the house, him being with other people that I control. I suppose that can limit his social developement. But I worry about him being around other people. I don't trust the other people with him. I worry about the days when he'll have to go to school and I worry about the days when he'll want to go over to his friend's houses or to their birthday parties. I want to give him that freedom, but I worry about how I'll be able to deal with it. I see many panic attacks ahead for me in my future.

Why are you so worried about him being social and surrounded with other people? what might happen?

What would you not be able to handle?

And how is the relationship with your mother? Did she have a separation problem? Is she controlling?

Noticed that you mentioned the dentist in your last post - that could be connected to the dream.

I'm not worried about him being social, I want him to be, as long as I'm there. I'm worried that if he's with other people (and I'm not there to protect him or keep an eye on the other people), he'll be hurt, abused, or neglected. If he's with someone else, I'll have no idea what's going on with him. And right now, he couldn't even tell me if something happened with someone else, he's only 18 months old.

I wouldn't be able to handle the anxiety and panic, fear and worry of him being watched by someone else.

I had a very bad separation problem with my mother. She was my safety. She wasn't bad about separation, but she was very over-protective. She wasn't really controlling at all, she let me have my freedom. My father was very controlling though (and still tries to be).

My father and my father's mother were and still are (only emotionally though) abusive to me. My father was abusive in almost everyway. I was also assaulted by a few "friends" and strangers. So, I know what people can do to other people and I know what people can do to kids and that can be even worse. Especially when the child can't speak freely or cannot speak fluently!

It is possible the dentist appointment had something to do with the dream, but the dentist appointment was 7 months ago.

Can you notice the controlling nature of this statement?
We can become over controlling when we are very scared. I think its important for you to work on your fears so you dont pass them to your child and create a self fulfilling prophecy.

That is understandable. He is vulnerable and at such a soft age. Its a natural motherly instict to want to protect your child and make sure he has no harm. I sense though that there is a sense of lack of trust. In yourself and in other people. Considering what you have been through - I can see why that is. But remember that not all people are like that. The best thing you can do is use your judgment. Who is good to be around your kid and should not be anywhere near. So you know your mum is ok and your dad is not for example. I think that when you trust yourself and your perceptions it will be easier.

Are you seeing a therapist? maybe it would be useful to talk and explore these worries. They go much deeper than this I suspect. You are suffering and I think re-experiencing some of the trauma as well. Will be really useful to talk to someone.

And so are you, if you wont resolve this...

I am sorry!

I am sorry. Its difficult to come to terms with that I am sure. Do you want to write more about the abuse? would that help?
Yes - not everyone is nice on this planet. Its so sad. But a mother can never protect 100%. As kids grow they are free to explore and meet people. The best thing you can do is install a sense of safety in your home and openess. So you know that your child can always come to you and talk to you about anything.

I understand that. Do you think he is in danger now? Do you think he is being abused?

That plays no factor. It was a meaningful and emotional experience for you. It is often, by the way, an emotional exprience for new mums to go to the dentist. I remember my sister felt so strange the first time she went to the dentist after her son was born. It was the first time she left him. And even though he was with his dad - she felt panicky and worried and guilty.

Worth remembering that from now on and especially around the age of 2 -3 the goal of development is separation. If your child learns healthy saperation at this stage - his life will be alot easier later on. Try to relax a bit and trust your own judgment. Talk to a therapist and examine ways to deal with this. For the sake of your child and yourself and your healthy relationship.

Also - do you put any boundaries around your dad and his mother?

My mom was over-protective, but she wasn't protective enough, she let me go to my father's house every weekend and be abused. She had no idea want was going on there. She would ask at some point, but I couldn't tell her. But even so, she could not stand up to my father, my grandmother, or my sister on her own, ever.

Yes I can see now that that statement sounds controlling, it's only because of my fear. I don't want to be controlling. According to my father's emotionally abusive words, I don't control him enough. He thinks I'm neglectful and causing a "health hazard" to him by "not giving him proper supervision". But this is from a super controlling person that's never even around to see how I take care of my son.

There is a huge lack of trust. There are very few people that I do trust and even fewer people that I trust with my son. I would say the only people I would trust with my son are my mom and my ex who is one of my best friends, but both of them do not live in town. I would trust a daycare with him, before I would trust any family members here with him.

You are right, I don't really trust myself and my judgements.

I'm not seeing a T. I don't have transportation and there's no public transportation close to me, so recently, I have been trying to find a case manager and a homebased T, as adviced by a member of PC. I've wanted and needed to talk to a T for a long time now. And I don't think I'll be able to work until I can get to see one and talk about my phobias.

I wrote about my father's abuse in this thread: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=130898
And I wrote about some of my grandmother's abuse in this thread: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=130794
I had a terrible flashback a week after I wrote about my father's abuse. Being in contact with him now, it makes it more risky to write about the abuse, because it brings back the same feelings I felt then, and then when I see him I freak out. I panic and I get really angry.

My mother being over-protective was really annoying to me when I was a kid, but now I understand why she was that way. But my son won't understand until he has a child of his own as well. I can see that being over-protective may make my son resent me when he becomes a teenager and he will probably push me away. So I can see how being over-protective can be a bad thing.

No, I'm the only one that takes care of my son 24/7, so I know what's going on in his life. He's only been watched by my mother for about an hour at the most when we were visiting her. When my father was still living with us, my father first hit my son when he was just starting to crawl (he wasn't very good at it). But my father hit him, because he was crawling toward the cat food. I automatically picked him up and took him away to my room. Then he hit him again when he was over after we came back from visitng my mother for getting into a drawer in the kitchen. He wasn't even walking then. I am afraid if when my father comes over he will hit him again. I don't believe we are in terrible danger now, at least when my father doesn't come over. But I suppose in the back of my mind I'm afraid someone will come try to kidnap him again. Someone tried to almost a year ago. And I was afraid that this person would have come to take him from a daycare, that was my fear about daycares before. I suppose that's still possible, but I don't think it's as probable anymore.

I understand that healthy separation is a good idea and way to help him develop. My main reason to get over this fear is so that I can work, but I understand it will be to his benefit as well.

No, I do not have clear boundaries with my father and his mother. My only boundary is to try to keep them away from me and my son as much as possible. I plan to cut them out of our lives once I move. My father has already hit my son and he could hit him more and emotionally abuse him as well. Well, I suppose he already started that with his "Shut up, your faking, oh come on, that's enough, you're pathetic" crap he says whenever he's around my son and he cries. I do not want this man around to abuse my son, and even if he doesn't I don't want him using my son as a tool to get to me, to keep me in his life. I don't want my son to admire this man or think he's great, because he's not and he really hurt me. And obviously, I don't want my grandmother near my son at all. She's a pedophile and I've seen her making googley eyes at my son while I was changing his diaper. Whenever we're around her, she has to come watch me change his diaper. She even volunteers to change it for me. And she ordered a picture of my son naked with his private parts showing, that I was told was not showing when my sister's photography partner was taking the pictures. Point is, I know my grandmother would SA my son if she ever got the chance, and so I don't think that she should be around him at all. I've tried to set boundaries with them before that all my Ts in the past taught me, it's just not going to happen. They won't allow boundaries.

The need to control usually stems from fear. You can deal with your fears and then your kid wont suffer from over -control. And you can be more aware of ways by which to be less controlling. I think its important for your kids' health.

Its not only that. Control and over protection damages people. You are damaging his development and his sense of self and his sense of trust in others. If you want a healthy child who will grow to be a healthy adult, happy and striving - you must learn how to protect him when needed and provide a safe environment for him to explore, be with others and experiment his own needs and wants.

Maybe stop all contact with him? would be possible? and certainly do not let him around your kid

That is disturbing to read. Its awful. Please do everything you can so your dad is not a figure in your kid life and put necessary boundary so your dad wont be in contact with your kid. If anyone hit my children I will make sure they never see my kids again and think about taking legal action against them. Hitting a child - like I wrote to you on another thread - is an offence.

This is abuse. And such a damaging behaviour for your son. I am so sorry. Your father has serious issues. Its important you let your son cry and not feel bad/guildy/alone/scared.

Who tried to kidnap him and why? Did you ever discuss this with the autorities and a therapist?

I wish you keep yourself safe from unhealthy, damaged and damaging people and you will keep your son safe from them. You are responsible for him. Please be a good mother. I wish you peace of mind. xxx



.

I only control the social situations. It's not that I don't want him to interact with other people. It's more that I don't know or trust anyone around to be around him. I don't really have any friends that I talk to face to face regularly. We are stranded out in the middle-of-nowhere with no transportation and not many people want to come out this far just to hang out or have the transportation themselves to get here. If I had a car, I would love to take him to see my friends and other kids. I have no problem with that. I would love the interaction myself. But I do still have a problem with the fear of leaving him alone with other people. I can see that he can sense that I'm so slow to trust others and quick to fear the world and he may learn those feelings toward the world as well.

The first time my father hit him we were living with him, and so I printed out an application for public housing that same night. This was a year ago and we still had no luck with public housing. He moved out months later after the incident, but the house is still under his name and he still has the key and he walks in whenever he wants to. My only opprotunity right now that just came yesterday is moving in with my friend and her kids. It's the best option I have now, but my husband thinks that it's bad area where she lives. He says it's very dangerous and he would be afraid about us being over there.

I know I should have done something else when he hit him. I've filed reports about my father before when he abused me with the police and they did nothing. When I tell people he hit him twice hardly anyone seems to care. I plan to never speak to him or have any contact with him at all when I move. When I first moved back to this state, I didn't contact him at all, but somehow he got other family members to give a number where he could reach me and he kept calling my friend's aunt's phone and she couldn't take it anymore. She told me I had to call him so he would stop. So I don't know how lucky I'll be at keeping him out of my life for good. He's a stalker type. He stalked me and used my sister to try to get to me the first time I cut off ties with him when I was 12. I would see him sitting outside in a car just watching me. Even when I was 16 I saw him in my grandparents' car sitting outside when my ex-boyfriend and I walked his (my ex-boyfriend's) dogs. It was very creepy.

Yes I know I hate when he does that when my son cries. He doesn't do it much anymore since he's not here very often and only stays a few minutes usually. But I hate it and it reminds me of when he would minimize my feelings. I told him that one time that he was minimizing his feelings and he said "I think people are minimizing my feelings" and started acting like he was crying. I have said little things here and there to stand up for my son and myself here lately. Which is quite amazing. I would have never thought I'd be able to do that to him. But mostly, I just keep my son in my room if he ever comes over. I try to keep him away from him as much as possible, while we're still here.

I'm not sure if I did discuss the attempted kidnapping with the therapist I saw in September, but he did tell me to get some mace spray to feel less anxious that that guy would come get me and my son. I know I told my son's doctor about it, because afterward I couldn't hardly sleep for two months. I usually got maybe 2 hours of sleep during that time period and I started to hallucinate. She told me to use some OTC sleep aids and that she didn't think he would try it again, because he hadn't tried to contact me after that, since I told him I had a protective order. I didn't really, but it didn't hurt to let him think that. The man who tried to kidnap him is my son's blood father. He is a man that kidnapped and r---d me. He had me there in his house for about a year in a room. He knew I was pregnant when I got free. He was trying to do that. I think the other girl he had there was too young to get pregnant. I got out to my father's house and the man that kidnapped me started calling and threatening me. He had a lot of my families phone numbers and he called the other numbers too. He would say he was going to take my baby, especially if it was a girl. He said there was no way he would let me keep it if it was a girl. He threatened my life and my husband's life. But he did that when he had me in his room too. He threatened many things. I don't remember them all. But he had me very, very scared for me, my son, and my husband. The day he tried to kidnap my son was the last day I ever heard from him. Since then I've been able to feel more at ease. But I was very scared to put him in a daycare before, because I was afraid the people at the daycare would have let that man take my son.

He lost a tooth, yet he grew many more in unexpected places.

That sounds like an interesting metaphor for child development. At that age so many unexpected things happen as the baby becomes a toddler, begins to move freely in his environment, to show his interest and curiosity in the wonderful and exciting world around him. He begins to leave babyhood, and that is a loss. But there is so much he will move toward--new skills, more independence and self-assertion ("No!" becomes a powerful word that says "I can think!, I can have an effect on my own life!, I can have opinions of my own, thoughts of my own!".

So leaving one tooth behind, but gaining more 'teeth' to use to talk about his world, to use to taste and consider and sometimes spit back out ("No!!) his world.
Exciting times.

These times can also be anxious times for parents because of the loss of dependency and the control that has offered. Now you begin a time that is more gentle loving guidance to help him maintain and build on the emotional security you have been providing, help him learn how to interact with others in healthy ways... joyfully experiencing and teaching your son about the world he is becoming aware of and so curious about! One tooth lost, many more coming...

Dear one. Your story is so so difficult. I urge you to seek professional help to deal with all this. From what you are saying I think:
-you probably suffer from PSTD and that has affect on your health, state of mind and emotions as well as the way you relate to your son
-you are dealing with terror, abuse, neglect, discounting, blackmale, stalking, manipulation, dread, fear, rape, etc... Even if some of these do not happen now - you are still dealing with this now. I am so sorry. Can you see how your dad has you captive and stalks you like that guy?
-you want the best future for you and for your child but you will not have that as long as you are at your dad's house. please find a women shelter or another alternative to keep you safe and away from further harm.
-your father's emotional abuse is horrific. What a low way to be. I wonder - did he ever sexually abuse you (I am sorry if this question is off the mark...)
-you are being a good mother. YOu are doing everything you can to protect and care for your son. This is excellent! And well done!! Now - take the next step to move away from that unhealthy and damaging environment.
-Was your kidnapper ever sentenced in court?
-I am proud of you that you stand your ground now. But really to stand your ground means to move away from hurtful and damaging people. As long as you are there you are letting them have the power over you and your son, you are letting them call the shots.
-No wonder you have dreams of falling teeth. You must be so scared and terrified. I am sorry. Please speak to a therapist to digest all this and keep a healthy state of mind.
-in terms of time line - when did you meet your husband in relation to your kidnap?
-Is your husband loving and caring towards you and baby boy?

I hug you sweet one and please keep safe. YOu are in my thoughts x

P.s I forgot to ask - how did you manage to escape that captivity?

This is true and I am very aware of it. My PTSD was very out-of-control after my son was born and it was very obvious. I sought professional help weekly from when my son was 3-weeks-old, until 6-weeks-old, then I lost my insurance, so I couldn't go to talk to the doctor or take the medication anymore. Then I got back on when my son was 5-months-old and they took me off the insurance again a month later. I gave up. But my mother took me to a T for four sessions while I was visiting her and paid completely out of pocket, because it was so bad. I feel like I'm doing better now, but mostly, because I'm dissociating and also because of my faith.

Yes, I'm still dealing with these things even if they are just memories. And I can see he is like the kidnapper and doing things similar. I know, he wants me to stay in this house so that he can have some control over me and come see me even if I don't want him to at all. It's very aggravating.

I am planning on moving in with my friend, as long as my husband and my mom think it's okay. Since my husband said it's not the best neighborhood I'm uncertain about it now. But my mother is coming to visit in a week and she will take me to a hotel. She is going to help me get things taken care of that I need to do.

Yes, I do not remember much of my childhood. There are pieces missing and at least a year I don't remember at all. But I do have pieces of memories of physical sexual abuse. But I do remember he showered with me and my sister until we were in middle school and he did not allow us any privacy. He had all the doors in the house blocked so that we could not close them to change or use the restroom and he wouldn't close the bathroom door while he used it or shower, so we would see him naked. He even had a full length mirror on the door so that he could see almost every bit of our room. He would also walk around in just underwear. He even has a video of us and you can see him in the mirror in parts and he was wearing nothing but underwear. I'm suprised you could sense he was abusive in this way.

Thank you and I will try very hard to get out by this month. You give me more determination to leave.

No, but I did file police reports. I could not go that far. I was still very scared and didn't want to think about what happened at all. But I wanted to try mostly, because the other girl was still there. The police told me the couldn't find any records of the man, because he was an illegal immigrant. I know he had many aliases. The name he told us to call him, I don't believe it was his real name. I have to file another report within the other city limits. I suppose if I can get there and do that, it could go further. But for one thing, the main piece of evidence now is my son's DNA and I really don't want any validation and reports saying that that man is the blood father of my son. I've only been able to cope enough with it, because he calls my husband daddy.

Yes, I can see he still has some power over me and that makes me angry. I don't want him to at all. He has no right to. And I can change that by moving.

Since I have no transportation and no real support around, I haven't been able to see a T, no matter how much I want and need to. I will when I get the chance. I will try harder to make that possible.

I met my husband about 3 years before the kidnapping, but only started a relationship with him two years prior to the kidnapping.

Well, my husband is in jail and that is why I had to come to my father's house after I got out of captivity. He will be there for about another 6 months. He's never met my son face to face, but he talks to him on the phone and he sends him cards and drawings and writes little letters to him, that he doesn't even understand much. But my husband is the main person who worked to get me out of captivity. I was lucky. This guy that kidnapped me, he knew my brother-in-law. He was working at the apartments I was living in. I saw him a few times before and spoke to him twice before he took me. He knew I was married, this is what I told him. I didn't think he was hitting on me, because he told me I looked like I couldn't be older than 15. I was 18. But anyway he gave me his phone number and I gave the phone number to an old friend of mine for some reason. I never called the guy. But somehow my grandfather got a hold of the number and called the man over and over until he finally answer one day. I was right there when he answer it. He told him he didn't know woh I was or what he was talking about. Then I heard my grandfather scream through the phone that he was going to call the police if he didn't let talk to him then he was going to call the police. He let me talk to him, but he made me tell him I was okay. After that, he let me write my husband, but I had to tell him I was okay and he let me talk to my mom on the phone occassionally, but I would get threats that he wouldn't let me communicate with them and I would be hurt if I ever tried to say something bad about him or the truth about what was going on. He read all the letters I wrote and if I said anything wrong he would throw them away and hurt me. And he wouldn't let me have my husband's letters if he said anything bad about the man or asked what was going on. But my husband got the address of where I was and he called my father to go get me from there. My husband was in a half-way house at the time and was only allowed to leave to go to work. Anyway, my husband seems to have PTSD from the kidnapping as well. He's very afraid about me being alone out here. He's scared something will happen again. He's afraid I won't be able to protect myself. But anyway, he is the one that helped me accept my pregnancy. When I was pregnant, he told me that he was praying for the baby, because the baby is innocent and he did nothing wrong. I couldn't see that before he said that and that may sound crazy. I'm so thankful he said those things to me. I probably would have given my son up for adoption if he hadn't said that. It does hurt him at times, usually when he's depressed, that our son is not his blood. The other inmates have teased him now, because our son has blonde hair and light skin, and they tell him he's not a man and needs to leave me, because he's obviously not his. The kidnapper's race is about 100% Native American. My husband's race is mostly Native American, but also about a quarter African and also Causcasian and Asian. The kidnapper's skin was very dark, but not as dark as my husband's. And crazy enough, the kidnapper's hair was black and my husband's is lighter, brownish black. So our kids might actually have lighter hair. But my son and my husband both have the same unusual eye color, brown and gray. The kidnapper's eyes were just brown. I know his hair will get darker and probably soon. My grandfather had blonde hair until he was 2 and then it turned black. My husband is sad sometimes now, because it seems to him that my son is getting lighter, when we thought he would get darker. But he is very loving and concerned for him. He puts my sons needs before his and ours. He'd rather my son have food before anything we want or need. He's also been an amazing support to me emotionally. Even though I wasn't allowed to tell my husband the truth about what was going on in captivity, I think those little letters he sent help keep me alive in my mind and now he's still so compassionate and understanding.

Dear one. I read your reply. I would like to reply in detail and its already very late here. I will write tomorrow. Hope you are feeling Ok and maintaining your strength! You are lucky to have your good mum. Strive on this motherly love who offers support, acceptance and love, allows you to be you. Try to provide for yourself with fatherly love that you never had. Grieve for your loss and give yourself the love of nature, the love of adventure and action and the love of freedom.

I am so glad you are determined to move! I am supporting you. Your friends sounds like a good idea, even if the neighbourhood not great. It can be a temporary solution. You need somewhere where your spirit can heal and grow.

I will write more tomorrow. Stay safe xxx

Thank you for all you have said. I talked to my friend yesterday and she said the part of the town that she lives in is not very bad and the town itself is much better than it was 10 years ago. (It's another suburb of the city) She also said since it's a house she lives in, it is much better than an apartment complex or trailer park. She said the house neighborhoods are much better and calmer. She thinks that the people up there are much nicer than the people here as a whole. So what she said sounds good. I think my son is really going to enjoy having kids to play with. She has a three-year-old, an 18-month-old (about three weeks younger than my son), and a 7-month-old. I started packing already and throwing away everything I don't need, because I don't want to have to carry too much, or make two trips. Also, I want to be the least bit hoarder-ish as possible. My father is a hoarder, and this house is just hard to deal with in itself. I'm still trying to find all of my belongs underneath his things.

I am so glad you are making this positive move!! It sounds great. What a nice friend! And yes - it will be lovely for your son to be around other kids and play and I think it will also be good for your trust/over worry and PSTD.

I am proud of you!!

Just a word of caution: when abusers know that you are physically leaving they may become aggressive, violent and unpredictable. Your father may get angry that you are leaving 'him'.... So please look after yourself. Avoid all confronation, pack as quick as you can and go. Please stay safe dear one xxxx

Since my father doesn't live here anymore, I'll pick a day to leave when he is not here. I don't even know if I should tell him I'm leaving, or where I'm going. I'll keep all my boxes in my room, so when he comes over he won't even see that I'm packing. The last time I left my father's home when I was a kid, I just left my stuff here and never came back. I had enough stuff at my mom's house. Of course now, he could call the police and say that I'm missing.

When I got away from captivity from the kidnapper, the man was not there, and that was the only way I probably could have gotten free.

A while ago, I had a dream that I was moving out and my father was here. In the dream, I confronted him about everything I ever wanted to and then he admitted to the SA. It was very scary. I hope that is not how it will go. It's sounds odd, I know, because a lot of us want our abuser to admit to the wrong they have done, but to me, that makes it more real and worse, and most of the time I want to deny it happened.

I dont think you should tell him you are leaving or where you are going.

Even if he files a missing person file you will be safe with your friend. You can always go to the police and calmly explain the situation and how you are doing everything possible to protect yourself.

Tell me more about how you got away from captivity? How old were you when you got there and how old were you when you escaped? Describe the escape, what you felt and what you thought, how you have done it. Take a moment and stay centred after you have written this (if you choose to of course!)

Of course it will be horrific if this dream came true. But its a dream. its your fear and way of coming to terms with things. Maybe it was your way, in the dream, to resolve some of the trauma, as the a huge part of the abuse is around denial. It happened but no one talks about it. The moment you break this denial - is very powerful. So in the dream (which is a safe place) your dad acknowledges what he did and possibly the pain it caused you. Its coming to terms with the trauma. I think that even though you are scared of coming to term with it and dealing with it (and thats understanble) you also need to do that to heal.

The chances of your dad acknoledging the pain he caused you is minimal. The chances of him confronting you and trying to hurt you more as you leave is very high. So if he does end up mentioning the abuse it will be because he is attempting to hurt you, not to make amends.

I think you are in the right path. Again - I am proud of you!! When is the moving date??

Hugs x

I suppose the police will understand if I tell them what is going on.

Well, my aunt is the one that came to get me. I don't think that anyone was in the house that I remember. But the man left the front door open. I don't think he had a key to the house, because when he first took me there, he went through the window. So, with me locked in the room, he had the window locked up and blocked so I couldn't open it. My aunt just walked in and got the door to the room open with a knife. I had somethings there, clothes he had given me that I grabbed very quickly and left. My aunt was very happy and aggressive to take me away. Like stick it to the man kind of mind set. We also found some of his things. ID's that had a bunch of different names and birth dates on them, but they all had his picture. I thought that was very interesting. My aunt laughed about it. It was nice. I felt great, that I was like "No, you can't control me or hurt me or my relationship with my husband anymore. I had developed Stockholm Syndrome. So when we were leaving, I only then started to realize that it was all wrong, that I was taken, that he was threatening to me. He was hurting me and he scared me very much. He scared me into doing things. It took me a very long time to actually understand what had happened and the guy was a terrible person. See, when he took me, I put up a fight. He actually r---d me before he took me for that year. For the first few months, he would say that I'm his girlfriend, that he wanted to marry me and have kids. He needed me to get pregnant. He was obviously delusional. I would tell him, "No, I am married, I not your girlfriend, I don't love you or want you, you're way too old for me...." But He would not listen to me at all. After a while I gave up and decided to stop trying to argue with him. But he would say bad things about me, my family, and my husband all the time. He would say that he did a good thing for me taking me away from a terrible, "dirty apartment" and "bad people that did drugs" and things. He believed that what he did was right by God and he would be rewarded for it in time. This man was married himself and had a child. The other girl he had there, although he didn't have her in the room with me all the time and we couldn't find her when I escaped, was only 12. He called this girl his girlfriend as well. He believed what he was doing with her was right by God, because her family was poor. He only gave us food once a day, if at all. I'm sure her family would have fed her breakfast, lunch, and dinner, poor or not. It took me even longer to understand that he was hurting her too. One time, when he called threatening me, I could hear her crying. That's when I decided I needed to file a police report. But after a while being in captivity, I started to believe his lies and the lies he made me tell my husband and my mom. I thought that he was a 'good guy" (this is what he always said) and did help me, and I was cheating on my husband, even though I was not attracted to the man, didn't not enjoy it at all, and didn't have any feelings for him. I dissociated while he was r--ing me and there were still times I resisted, fought back, and cried. But I still thought that I was the one wrong. My aunt is the one that made me realize he kidnapped me and he was not right in his ways. He was a bad person. My husband is the one that asked be about how he hurt me and made me realize it was r---. It's hard for me to understand how I ever got into that mind set to think that I was the bad person. I can understand that I was very scared. The guy could have killed me. He was hurting me, he had the power, because he could have taken my life if I had ever disobeyed him. Not to mention, the terrible emotional abuse. He made me believe that I was a lost soul, someone that was destine to a life of drugs and crime, and would never amount to anything. He would tell me I was a sl--, b----, etc. and I was wrong for wanting to be with my husband. He say my husband's and cousins' ethnicity was "not hispanic, they're just n----rs". He would say my husband's a piece of trash and no good. He would say he was going to kill him or have someone else kill him. He would say he knows people that would do that for him. All this and he thought what he was doing was right in the name of God. I'm mad at myself for developing the Stockholm Syndrome. I don't how I ever got to the point that I believe this man's terribly abusive words and lies.

I was about to be 19 when he took me, and I was 20 when I got away.

In the dream, my father didn't acknowledge that he was wrong or that I had any pain from the abuse. He told me a story of how he felt one night after a party and he wanted to r--- me. He laughed it off and made a mockery of my feelings. It didn't sound like he thought he was wrong in anyway in the dream. And I assume that's how it would be in real life, because his feelings are the only ones that matter in the world.

Yes, I know he would try to confront me and hurt me for leaving and try to not let me go. One time, he came over before our first appt with public housing (this was back in August I believe), and he was yelling and complaining about me and my son. I told him, he doesn't have to worry about us anymore, because we're leaving. He said he'd be more worried if we left, than if we were here. So then my son and I went on vacation to visit my mom and my letter from public housing came to tell me of my appointment. He didn't even tell me, until a month after I supposed to go to the appointment. Then, they gave us a second chance appointment. His girlfriend came over late and went down the wrong way. We were like an hour late and the people were already mad at me. Then I applied again. The office changed my first appointment on me. I asked my father to take me. He said he would, then he called back at 11 pm -12 am to tell me he had to work on his car, so he couldn't take me. Then the second appointment came and he said the night before he was still going to take me, then he didn't even show up. He called an hour after the sheduled appointment and asked me what happened, he "was trying to get ahold of me all morning". Then he said it was my fault he didn't come, because I didn't call him to tell him in the morning that I still needed him to come. So, obviously, he's already passive aggressively trying to get me to not leave. Even though, he told me about five times that month before the appointment that I needed to leave. He was almost violent at these times, but I hid with my son locked inside my room and even got out of the house at times.

Well, my mom is leaving on the 19th, so it'll most likely be within the week after that, that we will be moving.

I am so sorry you have been through all this and I am so glad your aunt rescued you! Where is she now? Does she live nearby?

I find it hard to believe that the police did not arrest this man who took you and ***ed you (I am so so sorry!) - did they have an explaination why not?

I am pleased you love your son and connect with him despite how he was concieved. Your husband is right on that one - the boy did nothing wrong and I admire you for the love you have for him! Boys need strong mothers to care for them but also let them explore the world and separate from them. If you do not let him separate from you healthily and securely his identity would not develop properly and he can develop anything from mental illness to an abusive personality. I am not saying this scare you. I know what a good mother you are and strive to be - I just think that you really need to seek professional help to deal with everything so you can be the best mom you can. There should be some children centres around with professionals you can talk to as well.

The thoughts and feelings you describe when you were held away from the world are very normal. Its sad and painful to think that you became accepting of your captor but its a survival thing. I think you explained it very well. Dont be harsh on yourself. What do you need to do (apart from moving house of course which is great) in order to maintain good health, good spirit, good mental health and free yourself from anxiety?

I may not be around the next few days so will read your reply when I am back online. Stay positive xxx

My aunt lives in the city and I live in a suburb. We haven't been so good lately. Well, mostly because I don't really have any contact with my father's family. They never call or come visit me (I prefer it that way), but I never call them. My aunt and I were good before. She helped get places while I was pregnant and soon after, but we grew apart as I became much more withdrawn from the family when my PTSD made it so I was afraid to leave my room. This was when my father was laid off, went through his severance and unemployment and just about 4 months (this was way too quickly considering how much money he was given, and he didn't even try to get another job for almost a year after when he moved in with his girlfriend). But apparently since the family saw us on Easter, they said they (or at least my grandmother does and is just saying the rest of the family feels this way too) think I need help, in a bad way. So I just don't want to talk to them. They treat me like I'm an alien. And my grandmother, she is just mad that she doesn't get to see my son or watch him. I would never let her watch in my lifetime. I don't even trust her around him when I'm there. I would talk to everyone, but my grandmother and my father, but I feel like they would get to me someway if I talked to them. Even though my aunt and uncle (her husband) were so nice to me after I told about my father when I was a kid. My uncle told me he suppected that my father was doing something bad to me by the way he acted around me when we went to family gatherings. He thought it was very weird.

I didn't talk to the police much after I filed the reports, but they wanted me to file another report within the other city limits and I could not get there yet. They called me a few times after and just asked me for more information and physical descriptions on him. They could not find him in the computer based on any information I gave them. Actually, he could be in jail or he could be deported, but if he was I would only know if the police called me and told me. I could only look up on the department of corrections website some of the names I remember we saw on the id's we found and/or his appearance and I haven't found any pictures that look like him. The only reasons I could think is that they need the other report to convict him or they can't find him, or I just wasn't told what happened. I would think that they can't find him. With all the different names and id's he has and the fact that he's come to America so many different times in so many different and illegal ways, he's know how to run and hide and come back as a different person.

I know I could be a better mother if I could get professional help, since I'm not healthy myself, it's hard to raise a healthy child. I wish to get counseling so that he can have the best life possible. And so I can be happy too. It's amazing to me that he is so happy and always has been, despite my feelings. I just want him to stay that way. I don't want to end up ruining his life and I don't want him to develop second generation PTSD because of mine.

I need to get into counseling; hopefully get a case manager (I have to get my insurance back first) so that I have have some assistance and support in getting what I need, because sometimes I just don't know what I need, or what's out there. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with school. I tried to go to college to do something with my life, but I failed out and very soon I will have to start paying back the part of my financial aid was must be paid back, unless I re-enroll and I just don't think I'll be able to handle it at all. I've rather get a job, because I'm tired have running out of food and I just need to get on my feet. Even now that I'm not in school, I'm still highly stressed at times. When I was in school, I was highly stress everyday. I can't be that way. But my friend could help watch the kids while I do homework so it would be easier. I was doing online classes only, so I had to teach myself and watch my son at the same time and it was way too stressful. I would like to go back to school AND get a job, but I konw that's pushing it way too far. With my PTSD, when I am highly stressed, my anger can get very out-of-control and I can't be the best mother to my son if my anger gets out-of-control all the time. I just don't know what to do. Staying at home, doing nothing but taking care of my son seems to be my best option, so that I don't get too stressed out. Hopefully I could get on disability. Well, I've been trying to get food stamps and public housing and get back on my insurance and now they just took my son off his insurance, I haven't been able to do anything, because I don't have transportation. I've applied and applied, failed because I couldn't get to the appointments or occassionally, when I did, I was late or didn't have all the right paperwork or information. I need our basic needs met and my mental health needs met. I can't think about school until I can do those things.

Hi dear,

I am sorry, I was off line for a while. How are you?

Did you move? How are you feeling and how is your so?

I hope you are well and keeping strong. Please let me know. xx