worried, please help..

I"m getting scared, and worried, I wasn't sure where to put this, but since it relates to my s.a. abuse I figured here would be the best

I"m terrified to go to the doctor Tuesday, it's my first "woman check" ever I know I"m going to be triggered and I might switch (which would be incredibly bad) or I might float off to lala land.

I asked my mom to go with me for support*insert foot into mouth here* and now I want to ask her to not got, for fear of what might be said or what might happen. I don't want her finding out about the abuse through the mouth of my little or through me being well dissociated and running on auto pilot.

I have another fear and well concern, and I feel so silly for even thinking of it, or well considering it as a theory.
I've always had problems down there and with being regular, it's not something that is common with the women in my family, and I don't have any medical conditions that would cause this nor do I take medicine that would cause that either.
My fear is because of the abuse I suffered and because he did rape me as a child..is that when the doctor looks there she will be able to tell and that it is the reason behind these issues. I don't know if that is even something that could really happen or not, but I don't know what to do

I"m scared, this is bringing up a lot of fear for me, I don't know what to do, I really don't

Somebody help me....

(((((((((((((Silver)))))))))))) First, please know that what you're going through is normal and your fears completely understandable. I had have similar experiences to yours, so I know how hard it is to get a ob/gyn exam. Because of the abuse, I suffer from a condition where under stress my muscles down there contract, ie i have anxiety attacks upstairs and downstairs.

The tricks that work for me when getting an exam:
- make sure I trust the dr enough to share that I suffered abuse. It is hard to tell but you don't need to get into details about the abuse itself. Just giving them a general idea is enough. I have found with all my drs that telling is the hard part. Once they know, they will be happy to work with you and take extra steps to make you as comfortable as possible.
- I'm more comfortable with a female ob/gyn.
- having a friend or relative there to talk to and hold your hand works to distract the mind of what's going.
- take deep breaths to try to relax your body willl make it easier to complete the exam.
- if at some point you need a break, that's OK.
- take your ipod with you and focus on the music and your breathing.
- believe or not, they can get it done pretty quickly. It will be over before you know it. The most important part is to try to relax that part of your body.

((((silversparrow))))

you're being so brave. i've been too scared to get one of those checks done, even though my doctor thinks i should.

could you ask your mum to come with you, but then wait in the waiting room? that way you will have someone safe afterwards, but not in the room with you where they might hear things you don't want them to know.

your fear about your dr finding out just by looking at you is not silly - a lot of people share this concern. but drs cannot tell someone has been abused unless that person reports it themselves. your dr will not look at you and find out. i promise you.

it is possible that some of your irregularities are due to emotional turbulence, though. e.g., with me - when i get depressed, my cycle stops for months on end even though i don't lose weight or anything. this is quite common. it happens also when we get stressed. so maybe that is an explanation for what you are experiencing?

if you scared about switching or getting violent or something (i'm so scared that i might lash out at my doc), then maybe you could tell your doc that this is really difficult for you and they will probably understand. my doc has been a lot nicer since she found out about the abuse stuff. now she knows to give me heaps of information beforehand, and then to schedule the procedure or test or whatever on another day. she has shown me what happens in a womens exam, shown me the stuff she uses and everything, so at least i can have an idea of what is going to happen.

good luck, darling . i'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Hi Silver, you got some good responses already. I would suggest being open with the doc. Can a friend go with you instead?

My heart goes out to you ... Perhaps you are right that your Mom is not the best person to help you get through this. Best friend who can be trusted to be strong for you?
The doctor should know in order to do her best to be senstive to your very real fears.
I allowed my doctor to do the exam a few months ago because it had been 7 years. Even though male, he was awesome. I've read a lot about "physical evidence" abuse and it is my understanding that even in children, it is very hard to tell there has been assault after even a very short time - heals very quickly, so it is unlikely that there is damage. However, some people want to be reassured that there isn't. I told my doctor that I wanted to know if there was, because it would be "proof" for me.
What is best for you? If you tell your doctor before-hand, in the end, it will be easier. There is no doubt that this is a very hard thing to have to go through, but it is a relief when it is over and you know that all is well. Whatever you do, do your best to say what you need and don't need. Feel your power!
I truly hope that this will be okay for you, and will be thinking about you.
if safe

by everyone with everthing that's been said already. All I can add is I hope it goes well for you.

(((((((Coconut64)))))))) (((((((((Deliquesce))))))))) (((((((Sannah)))))) (((((((Miri)))))
((((((((Pomegrante))))))) super hugs to you all

Thank ya'll for your responses, it helps the nerves, I am now trying to talk my mom out of coming with me of course, I may have to reschedule, I started my peroid today and err I guess that means I can't go?

Ty Miri for what you said, the abuse and rape happened years ago when I was a small child, 4-6 and 15, I guess I"m just so scared the doctor will look down there and just shout out my entire history, weird fear but err I have it none the less.

I am feeling better about it and I like Coconut's idea about bringing my mp3 player, music is a big relaxer for me so I think I will do that

Ty all for the helpful posts and I will let ya'll know how it goes..

~gentle hugs~ The exam isn't so bad. Just try not to tense up. my mom always reads a book while laying there. My dr. trys to make small talk....so not the time to hear about ones golf game. LOL Be honest with the Doc about your history so you can be checked and treated properly.

Good Luck

Man, i just lost a post to you and it's hard for me to maintain my thoughts sometimes.

So...in condensed form, you could still go to your appt. if your doctor and you are comfortable with it but it would be quite understandable for you to want to reschedule. Rescheduling could give you an opportunity to change the parameters of the appointment. You could say something like, 'mom, i don't really want to have that exam while i'm on my period. i'll just change it to another time and have x(your friend if you want) come with me'.

Because i've had a less than ideal experience with this, if your doctor is a family physician who treats other members of your family (or even if she/he is not), you might want to first guage her/his idea of your right to confidentiality as a minor. While it might be a good thing for your mom to know of your abuse history, you should have the right to determine that for yourself if you don't feel safe. During the exam, you can have your friend by you and/or you can ask for a nurse or physician's assistant to be with you. A lot of times that part's a given because no one wants the legal pains of being alone with a vulnerable person.

i'm VERY sorry you have any cause for all your concerns as i recognize them very well. Only when i was your age i had no clue why i was so hurt and confused. i'm glad you're not also suffering so many lost years of forgotten shadows (however much we sometimes wish we didn't know them).

i hope it all works out for you.

Thank you everyone! Sending many blessgings and hugs to ya'll

I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to reply, my laptop charger decided to give out, so I haven't had a lot of accesss to the internet.

I ended up having to reschudele because lo and behold I got my peroid, I reschulde it for June 1st. I'm feeling a bit calmer about it, I've decided to either go with a friend or by myself, I'm not sure yet, but *sighs* I'll figure something out.

I'm not sure about telling the doctor about the abuse, because I live in a small town and the doctor is also the family physican, I'm 19 so all my information is confedintal, but I don't trust small town physicans to really hold that code of honor, and if any of it ever got out I would be devistated and torn apart, since I haven't really made a decision if I am ever going to tell my parents or not.

Thank you all so much for the advice, it's really calmed me down a lot to know this isn't some scarey thing and that it's just like a routine check up.

Blessings to all
Sparrow

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice... I wish you the best of luck

sorry i'm late to this thread. i hope this goes well for you. know you're not alone in those thoughts. i never went until i had terrible pain and had no choice at 22. the dr asked me where my mom was, since she could tell i was dissociating so badly. She could not "tell" any "history" just from looking ( you were concerned about that). but things are different for everyone. years later i finally asked her if she could "tell" but she just looked at me like i was crazy and said that (yes i am using code-speak, sorry) "that could have been 'opened' due to sports (which didn't play) or horseback riding, gymnastics (*looks around for some other sporty gal behind me*) or any number of reasons, kids are so active these days". Last time i ever asked her questions.
In theory it is better to go then not... i happen to be avoiding mine. But every time i try that, i end up in serious pain and in the hospital *sigh*. So courage to you for going. And lots and lots of hugs, feathers, ice cram sundaes, and teady bears (cheetas).

sweetie - maybe you could get a friend to meet up with you afterwards, if you decide you don't want her there?

i went through a really bad cancer scare last year, and i was too vulnerable to let someone come with me to my dr, but at least it was nice to have coffee with a friend afterwards. we didnt talk about the appt unless i wanted to, it was just meant to be something i could look forward to during the appt, and also something to distract me straight after (i used to get horrid flashbacks and i would sit and repeat them over and over if i was left by myself).

will keep my fingers crossed for you, darling. i am seeing my GP tomorrow and going to ask her about some of those questions too... i hope she says she doesnt need to look .

Best Del.... I hope she doesn't have to either. You're brave. I haven't asked my questions because i can't let her look.

i am going to tell her that they are only questions, and i dont want her to look. all i want to know is that it's not cancer... or something that is going to kill me...

pain i can deal with, even having them stuffed up to the point where i cant have children is ok... i just dont want there to be something seriously wrong that i should be attending to.

but i dont think it will be cancer, because my blood results have never shown up as bad before, and this has been going on for a while...

but point being - kiya - maybe you could ask your doc questions too? just so she knows you're concerned about it. and if you tell her no looking, then she won't, but maybe she can set your mind at ease?

that is good Del, that you can do that and be firm. I applaud you!

For me... i can't say the *words*. everything is in code. and Dr doesn't understand code. and i know her - if she's worried about something she says "I have to see you!" and i can't let her. the last time we did this dance, she sent me to the ER. I know her, i can't let her see. as for my other female concern, i can't let any one see. the flashbacks are too terrible. but for you i can be strong =) and for my sis silversparrow.

((((silversparrow))))

it is june 1 over here, but i dont know about where you are. have you had your appt yet? i have been keeping my fingers crossed for you, and i'll keep them crossed until you come back to let us know how you went .

(((kiya))) - the first time i mentioned something i was worried about, my doc insisted on having a look (different body bit though). i couldnt say 'no' but i burst into tears half way through (flashback), so i think she knows to go slow with me now. she even told the nurses last time to be nice to me and give me a lolly after my needle because she knows i always cry with that, too.

i saw her today and when i said "we're only talking, not going further" she went "uh oh... one of those problems" and smiled. she said she isn't too concerned right now, but she wants me to take pain killers before it's meant to happen, and if it keeps happening we might have to do something, but that for now it's ok. so i feel safe for now, at least. she is a good dr, i think she just didnt understand before how scary all of this was for me, so didnt 'read' my hesitancy very well.

(((((((((((((Silversparrow))))))))))))))))


beads

Silv??? Talk to us hun....

Del - "i saw her today and when i said "we're only talking, not going further" she went "uh oh... one of those problems" and smiled. " I will have to remember to try this out. I just can't see it working, but it is worth it. Last time I was at this point, my dr said "They call me the benign dr!!" I said, That's SO not the point!! She just laughed and chose to let the ER deal with my antics. *sigh*. Naturally i got 3 males... all terrified of ME heh, so they sent me to imaging with a lovely matronly woman. I digress...

SILVER?!?!?! O Where art thou?

How did it go, silver?

Sorry I didn't get here sooner. I hope everything went as well as possible for you.

Sending healing thoughts your way and warm fuzzies

hugs adn warm fuzzies to you silver...............
its june 2 here..................how did your appt. go? are you okay?
please know that we love you adn are thinking of you.we know how difficult them exams are we had complete hysterectomy like 3 or 4 months ago adn so we is hopeing that we does not have to have any more of them exams.........beads cried so hard when tehy done the biopsy we was awake adn it hurt adn we was so scared an bleeding lal over the place..........but that is over now since the surgery......dunnot iffen we has to have any more female exams or not we hope not.........anyway beads definitely unnerstand how difficult it must of been for you adn our heart goes out to you..........please know that our thoughts adn prayers are with you,,,,,,,
hopeing your okay,
hugs
xxx
mary & all

Silver... sorry I didn't see this until today... I hope your applointment went OK.
Reading your postand the others triggered memories of my first appointment. It was at the health clinic at the university I attended. Very stressful. I was too afraid to asks others questions about what the appointment would be like. My mother and I never talked about anything to do with the reproductive system. Everything I knew about my body I learned from either school health lectures, books,and just listening to what others talked about. Needless to say, there were a lot of gaps in what I really knew and these gaps alone with the abuse created a lot of fear.

Now as a middle aged adult, having had 2 child (both c-sections thank God) these exams are still tough but nothing like the 1st one that was highly influenced by the fear of the unknown.

For me the bottomline is they need to be done and you just need to do what you need to do to get through them.Some tips I've learned over the years that help me, not sure if they will help anyone else:

#1 Once you break down your resistance to finding a doctor or group of doctors and make that first appointment. Mark it in the calendar and assume it is set in stone. NOTHING else can bump that appointment.The only exception I've made over the years is my period. Although it is supposed to be OK to still go...I can't do that and will call and rescheduled with the same idea that the appointment is a must go to commitment.

#2 At the end the appointment I do not leave until I schedule for the next year's exam. No excuses...I have a year to make arrangement to be at that appointment.

#3 The first physican I chose was a male and I've stuck with that decision. It doesn't make sense considering the SA, but this is what my gut told me I would tolerate best and I went with it. The accuracy of my gut was comfirmed when I went in to the hospital have my one sons. A female nurse had to check me out before calling in the doctor. For that for whatever reason having a woman check me out down there is a billion times more stressful than having a male do it. So my recommendation is... When in doubt go with your gut when choosing who to be treated by.

#4 If you are scared because you have no idea what to expect... Do as much as you can to answer as many of your questions before you go. Unknowns just make things soooo much worse. Now with the Internet you can likely find the answers to anything without risking exposure.

#5 If your the type of person who needs support during the exam... Honor that and find someone to go with you. These exams are difficult for EVERYONE not just us (in my case an assumed abnormal freaks). In fact what seems to make me abnormal is my perception that normal people have no problems with these situations.In my case I am a person who when faced with a very uncomfortable situation DOES NOT find it comforting to have a friend sit with me as I go through it. It just adds more stress to the situation. If you are this type of person... Honor that too. And don't be afraid to tell other to F#*@-off if you have too. Trust yourself.

#6 Don't assume that the doctor knows anything or can tell anything about you from either what the see on the examination or what the see in your body language. If there is scaring, an STD, you tense up, dissociate, panic, cry, or whatever...there are a million reasons for each and many of them have NOTHING remotely related to being abused, evil or filty or what ever else you may think you are. I sometimes think that the things I've experienced are sooo visible to others, and that if they see me react that they will immediately judge me. But my wounds are often only visible to me, others don't usually detect them unless I point them out. The fear that they will KNOW and if they do they will JUDGE, is just the parasite making me believe there is something innately wrong with me.

Sorry...obviously this thread trigger some reflections...

...OB exams suck, but you can find a way to get through the 10-15 minutes of torture. You've likely dealt with a lot worse. At least there's a benefit to you health in doing so.

That really makes me re-think a lot of things, too... like, I've had to go to the hospital at least twice now for related issues. Each time, I ahve been repsented with MALE nurses and dr.s Yet I wasn't terrified. Considering the abuse, i would be (and always assume I would be) but I wasn't. Mind - they were terrified of being there and did not examine me. But somehow, knowing i was facing an exam WITH a GUY, i was calm. Probably very dissociated. but somehoe different than totally freaking out with a woman doing the exam like always. I have to go to work, but now I am confused. gotta think on this.

Not sure why but... I REALLY struggle with having women examine me. I don't even like the nurses weighing and taking my BP before that doctor enters the room. I can't stand the female PA at my neurologists office and when I had some pre-op testing done I had to resist the urge to choke the nurse doing my EKG. There was no excuse for this reaction because she was being pleasant and treated me very professionally. I think I'm just a B@tch. However, when dealing with men I am much more tolerant of the exam and more cooperative.I also seem more willing to ask for what I need. Before I had my surgery, the nurses were on alert because my BP and HR was really high. I could tell they were monitoring it, asking me if I was feeling OK, and reporting to the physician. It wasn't until my physican came in that I admitted I asked for so some chill pills.

I don't remember being mistreated or abuse by any woman in childhood.. It is just weird.

Silversparrow
Ive 15 and ive been sexually abused since i was little but i never got any kind of examination before, even after it was reported. ive been too scared of the same thing. i think the best thing would either be to have your mom wait in the waiting room or you could bring a friend with you or meet up with one afterwards. bringing your ipod or mp3 is a good idea too. it depends on your age but if you are of age, the doctors do have to keep your exam confidential and wont tell your mom anything that you dont want her to know but if you are a minor then they would have to tell your mom if you are in danger or being hurt. it depends on the doctor but some doctors can tell if you were abused by looking but some can mistake it for normal childhood injuries. your fears are completley normal.
im sorry that you had to go through something like that. and im sorry that i couldnt be of more help but i am here if you need to talk. please be safe.