Still Don't Know What To Do

Okay, I've posted before about my ex husband from whom I've been divorced three years. He has three domestic violence felonies, has been in jail three times and now after his last stint in jail two years ago, he wants to reconcile with me. This is the problem: I feel guilty that he's lost everything, our marriage, his job, and his social standing. His own family won't have anything to do with him.

When he was indicted for domestic violence this last time around, he tried getting aquitted by pleading mental illness. He's extensively researched PTSD, bipolar illness, and anxiety disorder as well as some other conditions and then proceeded to demonstrate the symptoms of these disorders. I believe he has fooled the mental health care professionals, but not the court. He still had to do go to jail for his violence toward me.

But now that he's free, he went to social security with his newly documented mental illness and has successfully gotten himself on social security disability. He hasn't worked in three years, lives in a free apartment provided for him by community mental health while working under the table for an auto shop. So I know he is able to work. Meanwhile, I am working my butt off as a substitute teacher trying to make ends meet. At sixty-five, I am ten years older than he and have the sole responsibility of taking care of myself financially. While most people my age are retiring, I have to continue working to keep a roof over my head. I believe he wants to come back to me primarily, not because he loves me, because he doesn't want to work and he could slip right back into a comfortable life with me taking care of him.

It seems he's turned the table by making himself out to be the victim who only beat up on me because he had PTSD and bipolar illness. He doesn't want to even address how he's hurt me, and how to this day I still have flashbacks to his violence against me as well as my family. Yet, I can't seem to say goodbye to him. I still have a strong attachment to him and feel as though I should make his life all right again--despite him being the one who violated me with his physical abuse.

If I tell him, I may not want to reconcile with him because of everything that happened, he begins to cry or get angry and tells me I'm mean and cold like everyone else who turned their back on him.

Am I wrong in thinking that he may really not be mentally ill and just using the symptoms of mental illness to avoid being financially responsible? Is it reasonable for me to expect him to at least look for a job if he wants to reconcile with me, or am I not sympathetic to a man who really has mental problems, and if so, should I stand by my man because he is sick?

It just seems to me he's manipulating me to get sympathy so I will make his life easier? He probably does have some kind of love for me, but the sixteen years we were married he did nothing but physically and emotional abuse me as well as my children.

Why can't I break away from the man who hurt my family and me so badly? The guilt and loneliness I feel is killing me.

To be convicted of three domestic violence felonies is serious business. You do not trust him and at the least expect him to use you. Why are you even entertaining the thought of reconciling?

May I suggest you get professional help to deal with your guilt and loneliness? You also should consider getting a protection order to stop this person from contacting you.

The guilt you feel is possibly due to years of being told it's your fault (typical physical abuser does not take responsibility for actions, but blames others). When we are co-dependent it is easy to confuse love with co-dependency. You are your responsibility, not him. One hit is bad enough, three CONVICTIONS? Look in the mirror and tell yourself you love YOU, not him.

I agree with the others. I'm also a believer in being civil or friends with exes, except in cases of spousal abuse. Even if he truly does have these disorders, you still shouldn't take him back. Being mentall ill doesn't mean you can abuse and beat up your spouse. I agree with you, I think he's a master manipulator, especially by the way he gets disability while working under the table. If I were you, I would give the disability office a call and anonymously blow the whistle on him - that's fraud. Please don't under any circumstances reconcile. Have you testified against him yet for this spousal abuse - he probably hoping you'll back out of testifying. I'm wondering if you might be having co-dependancy issues? Please take care and be safe. I don't think you should talk to him anymore.

You're right. I do not trutst him and expect things to revert back to what they were when we were married. He may have good intentions. But I'm always thinking about how the best predicter of future behavior is past behavior. I've had domestiv abuse counseling, and I've been counseled not to go back to him, but it's like I'm either mezmerized by him or addicted to him. I go to a twelve-step program and am trying to work the steps to recovery, but I have a long way to go.

The loneliness I feel is not the typical loneliness. It's more like I am isolating myself socially, except when I'm at work when I feel happy to interact with my students and the staff of professionals. Other than that, I seclude myself to my bedroom a lot and feel isolated, confused, and not knowing who to trust. I don't even trust myself to make right decisions for myself.

All I want is the good feeling I used to have with him when he was gentle and kind to me. But the times of cruelty far outweighed the good times. So why do I yearn to have him back? I know it sounds crazy but, on one hand, I've put him on a pedestal because he can be so charming and wonderful at times while, on the other, he is sadistic, cruel, and narcissistic.

I just want clarity in this situation, and yet clarity seems as far removed as the north pole from the south pole.

Thanks for letting me rant.

I know what you're saying. And I know about codependency, but I don't know why we confuse codependence with love. In my heart I know I love him yet in my mind I know I'm being played and the three convictions should wake me up to the truth. I realize I'm sacrificing a meaningful life because I won't let go of him even though I know I must for my own well-being.

Ha! Looking in the mirror and telling myself I love MYSELF is a tall order, but you know what? I'm going to do it today, no matter how I resist doing it. Maybe if I say it enough times, magic will happen.

Thanks for your kind response.

Others also can be charming and wonderful, but without being sadistic, cruel, and narcissistic. The choice is not this psychopath or nothing. Give yourself a chance for a better life, not a likely repeat of the devastating cruelty you already have experienced.

Is seems to me you need help with your self-esteem. Finding ways to have a healthy relationship could be part of the process.

Good luck.

Let's not tip-toe around who this man really is. The irony is, he MAY really have a mental illness the current of which is called antisocial personality disorder. Some of the symptoms include excessive lying, manipulation, stealing (working under the table, exstensive criminal history, drug/alcohol abuse, can fool attornies, judges, parole boards, employers and especially their spouse. There is no treatment and there is no cure. If you would, go to Google and look up antisocial personality disorder or psycopath. There is a really good support group out there if you Google psychopath research that. I was involved with one of these and felt like I was living in hell the entire time I was with him. I know a lot about these people. I can help. Please PM anytime. I would love to help you through it.

Hi PQ, if you don't keep moving forward in healing and make a new and healthy life for yourself all you will have is the past and having nothing in its place will make you long for the the few good times in the past. What is holding you back from making a better life for yourself?

Perhaps the article from which this quote is excerpted will be of interest to you:

http://profacero.wordpress.com/2009/05/03/on-pity/

Yesterday I celebrated my second full year of sobriety at my local AA meeting. I received my two year token as well as a beautiful Pointsettia plant for the occasion. you are so right about my self-esteem issues. I'm working on it a day at a time. Trouble is, you're not going to believe it, my ex wanted to go to the A.A. meeting with me and I agreed. So we sat at the same table. I looked across to where he was sitting and saw what a dusturbed man he is. I felt so guilty, I could barely take it. After the meeting he said if I left him for good, I might hear one day that he died in his apartment because he doesn't want to be without me. Now I'm really afraid he might do something stupid. He scared me even more when later he told me he often imagines he and I dying together and how nice it would be if we could leave this world together so than neither of us had to live without the other one. How can I deal with something like that? I've been in shock ever since he told me these things.

No one in my family knows I'm seeing him. I don't know if he's just talking or if he might actually do something to himself or to me if things don't go his way. Do I keep playing along with him and make him believe there's a chance for us so he won't go over the edge or do I just cut him out of my life and hope he won't do anything crazy?

Thanks, I PM'd you. Looking forward to your response. Thank you for your invite to help me through this. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Blessings

Thanks for your kind and thougthful response. What is holding me back is guilt and fear. I fear if I cut ties from him completely, he may do something crazy. He's already said if I stop seeing him or if I thought of being with another man, I would probably hear he died in his apartment because he wouldn't want to live without me. On the other hand, as I stated in another post, he said how he has had thoughts about us dying together. So I'm thinking even if I took him back who's to say that one day he might go over the edge and kill me? I don't think he would do it, but why does he talk about how nice it would be if he and I exited this world together?

Thanks for the article referral. I will read it and get back with you. Call it pity, fear, guilt, whatever. I need to STOP this crazy ride with him and get off the merry-go-round.

"That a woman might stay with her batterer because she pities him and wants to rescue him from his demons was a new insight for me. But it makes sense: women are brought up to empathize with men, to be caregivers, to see themselves as wise and mature, and men as "little boys," as Steiner frequently describes Conor."

This is an excellent viewpoint on why women stay with abusive partners. We are indeed brought up to be nurturing, empathetic, and caretaking. By pitying men who are abusive, we certainly cast them in the role of "little boys," and thus make excuses for them like, "Oh, he has had an abusive family background himself and so therefore, he's not in full control of his behavior." The problem is this: knowing these things is fine and good, but getting the knowledge deep down into our hearts where hit hurts is another. We women who have been abused often times don't even trust our own feelings. We fear being alone, we fear staying, we fear being hurt or perhaps even killed by the man who's supposed to love us, yet we are frozen by pity, guilt, and fear. Being frozen this way doesn't allow us to move forward. Personally, I know I could just walk away but a voice deep inside me cries, "but if I leave him, he'll have an hard time without me. He needs me and if I stay, he might punch me again, pull out a knife again, kill me in my sleep one day." Today I didn't see him or call him. I feel good for that. I pray tomorrow I'll be strong again. A day at a time. Maybe I can do it.

((((((((((( peacequest )))))))))))) You are not responsible for your friend no matter how hard he tries to convince you otherwise. I will pray too. Good luck.

Good luck.

How are you doing today?

Saying such things is itself abusive.

If you live with him, you will live in fear. That's one of the hallmarks of abuse: the abuser might be nice at times but there is always the threat that he might get vicious and cruel suddenly.

You mentioned that you've had domestic violence counseling. Have you had individual psychotherapy as well?

I'm so sorry that he is not leaving you alone. My heart aches for all that you've suffered.

I was married to a verbal abuser for 31 years and got a divorce. I did my "homework" in that i found the book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

Psychopaths can fool even the most skilled therapists.

There was one sentence that helped me makemy decision:

"Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.......win."

Love, Sharon.

P.S. That comment (about he might not be there someday)......that is called emotional blackmail......do what I want....or else.

Tactics of a child throwing a tantrum.....or an adult ....cruel and manipulative.

How are you today PQ? Have you broken the ties that keep with him yet? What needs of yours are getting met by you thinking that you are responsible for him?

Bill thanks for your kind words. They are very encouraging. Besides domestic violence counseling, I've had some counseling but not psychotherapy. I guess though it depends how you define psychotherapy. Oh, maybe I'm thinking of psychoanalysis, which is something I couldn't afford.

Living with him again certainly would make me very fearful. I'm already afraid now thinking of what he might do to himself or me.

Yesterday and today I subbed. I enjoy working with kids. It's good for me. During my work day, I don't think about him. And I haven't called him for two days. It's when I'm at home alone in the evenings that I feel the pain and terror of my relationship with him. Mostly, I feel for the sixteen years I was married to him, he did something to my mind, like he got in there and took control of my thinking. Now my job is to undo all that stuff.

Thanks to friends like you to help me see life can be good without him.

Sharon, I'm going to get the book and read it very closely. Thirty-one years of being married as you were to a verbally abusive man is a long time to live in hell. I'm glad you did your homework and were able to save yourself. I need to follow your example and do the same for myself. The person inside me who still cares for me will stand up and save me. I don't want my family to find me dead one day because I didn't have the courage to walk away from a psychopath.

Love,
Peacequest

Ha! You are so right.

Sannah,

I managed to not talk to him for two straight days. I pray that tomorrow I will also be strong enough not to talk to him. I'm not exactly sure what needs I'm getting met by thinking I'm responsible for him. The best I can come up with is that I feel I can hang on to my fantasy of him being the charming, articulate, and handsome prince of my dreams when in reality he's a very conniving, mean, and dangerous person. I don't really love him but I love what I would like him to be. Psychopaths can put on such a good act.

Thanks for your support. I appreciate it immensely.
Peacequest