[Estee1]

Why is it that people who hurt us think that saying sorry will heal everything? I forgive people when they hurt me but forgiving them doesn't remove the fear and distrust that I feel. I just can't forget and even if they have changed, I am still scared of them. Things trigger the fear and bring back the memories. If I hear a person yelling at someone else it makes me freak. I have someone who really did hurt me alot. This person can't understand why I cannot talk to them like I talk to everyone else. They want to know and can't understand why I avoid them and why am I so scared of them. This person told me to get over it and just act like a normal person. I just can't. I try to put aside the feelings, but I cannot even barely look into this persons eyes. I do not think it's out of unforgiveness, because I choose to forgive people. It never does me any good to hold grudges.
I'm confused. When people hurt me I just want to completely cut them out of my life. I never ever want to see them again and I'm frustrated because I cannot make these feelings go away. I have tried to act NORMAL. I can't!!!!!

{{{{{ estee1 }}}}}

I can relate to so much that you posted, especially the part about freaking when you hear someone yell.

No one has ever apologized for hurting me, so I don't know what to tell you there.

I think it is admirable of you to be able to find forgiveness. I am still working on it.

Petunia

[Lou_Pilder]

estee!,
You wrote,[...forgiving doesn't remove the fear...I..can't forget...things trigger the fear...I have tried...can't...].
I could offer you support from my perspective if you would like.
Lou

[Estee1]

I hate it when people yell. Somehow it tells me deep inside that I am very unsafe and I want to run away. Other people can handle yelling and it doesn't bother them.
Wow i can't believe that you have never had a person apoligize to you. That's just crazy!! I'm in the opposite boat, where the people say sorry over and over and over but they continue to do the bad things over and over. So the sorry just loses it's meaning. I cannot trust them. I hope that you find some really kind and loving friends who you will hear that word sorry from one day. I'm sad and sorry that people have hurt you and that you have never had an apology. But you're right about forgiving. It's good to be able to forgive. I heard this really cool quote about forgiving, it said...
"Unforgiveness is like drinking deadly poison and expecting it to kill your enemy."
I have learnt that forgiving people is a choice I have to make and sometimes I will still feel terrible pain but that doesn't mean that I haven't forgiven the person.

[Estee1]

Thanks Lou. I would like to hear your perspective.

[Lou_Pilder]

estee,
You wrote,[...thanks...I would...].
It has been revealed to me what forgivness is, what facilitates forgivness and what the consequences of not forgiving is to me. My perspective is formed out of a connection to the mystery of the universe and the revelation given to me as to how forgivness is the opening to Overcome all things. For those that can hear me, it could be a delight to your soul to hear from my perspective. It could heal the brokenhearted, and proclaim liberty to the captives,and break the shackles of those that are bound, and to console those that morn. You could exchange beauty for ashes, and joy for mourning and have the garmet of praise exchanged for the heaviness of depression. I wil continue only if someone would want me to do so.
Lou

[Estee1]

So you're a christian. So am I. You could imagine my torment when I worry that maybe I haven't forgiven people. Not forgiving people is not an option for us. I have OCD. What this means for me is that I have to keep checking that I have forgiven people and also that I have been forgiven myself. My biggest fear is that I will not be doing what God wants me to do and that I will go to hell. So life is very tormenting for me. I know all the scripture and I am passionate in my faith, but still this OCD causes much torment. I do worry that maybe I haven't forgiven people becuase when I see those people I experience such terrible pain.
I'd like to hear what you have to say.

[Lou_Pilder]

estee,
you wrote,[..you're a christian...].
I am a Jew .
Lou

[Lou_Pilder]

eestee,
You wrote,[...I would like to hear...]
What has been revealed to me is in no wise contingent upon one's religious affiliation. What has been revealed to me transcends religion, for there is niether jew or christian, male or female, this ethnic or that ethnic, this religion or that religion, rich or poor, straight or gay, or anything else that makes distinctions among men in what I could share with you.
Lou

[Estee1]

Thanks for your thoughts.
I like to hear what people have to say about things.

[Lou_Pilder]

estee,
You wrote, [..my ...fear..going to hell..].
Could you write who gave you that fear?
Lou

[Estee1]

I am unable to understand where you're coming from Lou, we are not like minded. But thanks for your comments anyway.

It sounds to me you are being "normal"-- in that you are protecting yourself from hurt that, by what you have said -- is bound to reoccur. If that person that hurt you continues to do so-- then it is only "normal" to treat them as a threat-- IMO. I think you are wise to want to cut a person that has hurt you out of your life.

I can relate to the yelling triggering you-- it does that to me too My stomach gets all in knots when Im even around a heated disagreement.

mandy

[Estee1]

Glad to hear that it's normal. But i guess I also feel really guilty when I see that person becuase they are upset that I don't want to talk to them and that I am scared of them. So it makes me feel bad. They act like such an innocent person and can't understand me pushing them away. They even say that they feel sorry for me becuase of the way that I am avoiding them. That really messes with my head.

Yea, I can see how you are confused-- it is confusing to me too.
It kind of sounds like this person just doesn't get that you are truly being hurt-- have you tried to explain to them your point of view--to the best of your ability-- just what it is they do that hurts you?

Wishing you much healing.

mandy

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((estee1))))))))))))) Please don't take on the aubsers guilt onto yourself. They are the one hurting you not the other way around. It is admirable you are forgiving them as many people could not do so. Is there a possibility they are unaware of the effect they are having upon you? If so maybe you could point out how they are harming you. It is not all right for them to cause you to be afraid. I know it is hard to feel safe around some people and everyone deserves to feel safe. Take care of yourself.

[Estee1]

I don't feel safe around some people. But sometimes I don't know if it's just the mental illness that causes that. Like maybe I shouldn't be feeling terrified. Sometimes I have been hiding in the corner muscles absolutely convulsing because I'm shaking so much. I don't know what's real sometimes. It's very confusing.

[Estee1]

Sometimes they admit that they have hurt me and then they change and say I hurt them. It's so hard having to see someone all the time when you really wish that you would never ever have to see them again. Seeing them causes so much torment.

[dottie]

Very good post. Do I hear an AMEN?!

TGC

having all these feelings is being normal for an abuse survivor. Not one of my sexual abusers said I'm sorry, in fact they thought what they had done was perfectly normal not abusive and tried to blame me and then said I was imagining it when I went public and refused to recant. for me I don't have to hear I'm sorry from them because them saying Im sorry would have been for themselves not me. for the looks of it or their reputation or to show others that even though they did nothing wrong I'll give her what she wants to hear kind of thing. and you know there is not law that says you HAVE to forgive an abuser. I look at the word forgiveness not as in forgiving THEM but as in forgiving myself and my body for how it reacted during the abuse. My body reacted the way it did because its normal to react that way. I wished an abuser dead and that was normal for me to wish that during the last attact he made 2 weeks before his death and other thoughts. Once I forgave myself for these things I was able to work on other things. a couple relative wanted me to "Just say your sorry and then things will get back to normal" I told them I don't like normal for that was how things were when I was being abused. I like things like they are right now because the abuse has stopped and I have nothing to be sorry for. Yea I went public but I also tried moving to other towns, citys and states and was followed and abused. I went into shelters I was found and abused, I entered therapy I was abused. I went public the abuse stopped me sorry? not by a long shot. I even had a friend who used my not forgiving my abuser against me. We had a 7 yr friendship when she got divorced and entered the drugs and alcohol scene. It affected my son big time which affected me so I cut off contact with her, her last call to me was to say she was sorry and asked me to forgive her (but yet her call came under the influence of drugs and alcohol) and I told her as long as alcohol and drugs were a part of her life my son and I would not be. She then said do you really want to go there? You didnt forgive your step father and didnt say your sorry for going public for years and it killed him, do you really want to live with the fact that you didn't forgive me if I died tonight? You weren't a good daughter then and you aren't being a good friend now" My reaction - I hung up on her. and here it is 7 years later and drugs and alcohol are still apart of her life and my son and I are not. and Im wondering off the topic so Im going to stop tying here.

[allthegirls6]

estee,

Why does this person even expect you to want to spend time with them? They hurt you, forgiveness is one thing, but having to spend time with them? I think it would be well within the bounds of Normal to say to the person that you do not want to be around them. It is this person who is in the wrong, not you for being unable to act normal around them. to expect that from you seems unfair. Why should you have to behave normally when this person has done you so much harm.

Atg

[Estee1]

That's exactly how I feel. Why should I endanger myself again? I want to just ignore what happened and act normal around this person, but it's impossible. If they are talking in a group of people I have to leave the group so that i don't have to communicate. It's so hard.
I just want to forget the things that happened and start over in life. But it's like there's a connection that I just can't break. Probably because we were so close. I know what he is thinking when certain things happen. I can read his fellings and I just know him so well. I just want to be free from his power. Don't know if that makes any sense. It's like he is not directly in my life anymore but he still runs my life alot of the time. I avoid situations and people because of what has happened. Will this connected feeling ever go away?

[Estee1]

You're right about not letting people into your life who will hurt you. That's real sad that your mum sees things in that way. She must have alot of problems herself. It's really hard when your family are the ones that have abused you. It's not like we can just get them out of our life and even if we do we lose something which could have been really precious. I have been in that situation where you feel that if the person who hurt you was dead your life would be so much easier. You look forward to the day when you hear that they are gone because then you finally might feel free.
I hope that your mum will someday see the truth and stop blaming you. Not just for your sake, but for her sake. That must have hurt you so much. It's horrible when people say stuff like that. It's so not true...what she said. It's not your fault. You are right to stick up for yourself.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

[jennie]

((((((((((((estee))))))))))))))))

[dottie]

Always stick up for yourself Estee.

TGC