I never had proper therapy before. I was just wondering if anyone else who has been sexsually abused as a child is or has been through therapy and gets overwhelming urges for maternal love. My mother emotionally abused me, her lover sexually abused me, they did it in front of me several times as I was growing up. I feel like I have a lot of the feelings I had when I was growing up, insecurity, worthlessness, and I crave a 'mums' love. I never really had that from her and I have asked her for some space now, I am not ready to sort things out with her as she is in denial, but now she is giving me this space I just need her so badly. I know it sound stupid because she was so cruel. Is this normal? My t says it's a good idea to have this time apart, until I can bring these issues up with her. I even go to bed and suck my thumb sometimes which is pathetic I am 42 years old!!!!! I stopped sucking my thumb when I was about 5.
I feel so confused right now.

Jinnyann xoxoxo

[recluse1]

that child who was so hurt and broken then. the one tht thought ,"if only she could love me like a mother should." the one who dreamed of what a happy family she might have if only she were loved. therapy is bringing her out. you are feeling your emotions from the past resurfacing. take your time...you are progressing well my sweet.

much love
recluse1

I guess you are right my friend. I seem to be ingrained (sp)
with sadness right now, like when you've been in the garden without gloves and it gets right in your skin, I am trying to be positive, but these feelings wont go away.

thankyou for caring. i expect too much from others, i wish i could expect something from myself apart from bloody crying like a stupid baby at stupid things. I'm 42, a mother and a bloody wimp.

jin

[tsha]

I'm in the midst of therapy for child abuse. What you are experiencing is normal. My abuse was committed by an uncle, but my mother was not there for me. The response I got when I complained about anything was, ignore it, stop whining, so I internalized everything.
I am experiencing all the emotions I didn't/couldn't as a child.
I crave unconditional love right now, but have no desire to receive it from my mother

(((((((((((tsha)))))))))

sending you gentle hugs

I don't know why I crave maternal love right now, maybe cos she is trying to make amends and I feel very guilty because I have to work through this before I can sort it out face to face with her. sHE still puts me down and undermines me.

jin xoxoxoxo

i sorta regresss too sometimes, jinnyann. i feel very small and child -- ish. i want comfort but feel very unsafe. im not sure why also but i wonder if it is b/c i am now feeling the feelings.. i just hope eventually they will go away.

((((((((((((esthersvirtue)))))))))))

thankyou for replying my friend, sending you gentle hugs if that's ok.

I think you are right, I have the same feelings as when I was a teen and sometimes younger at the moment. Lots of insecurities and feelings of rejection, abandonment etc. It was ad enough the first time round, but I guess thisw has to happen to come through it all. I wish you well with your therapy, pm me anytime if you need a shoulder.

Love, Jinny xoxoxoxoxo

[TYMBERWOLV]

Jinn,

I was emotionally abused by my mother and verbally/emotionally/physically abused by my step dad . When I started therapy all the emotions ( guilt , fears , hatred ) all surfaced like I did and was reborn.... I never regretted going to my T it has changed my perspective on it s wasnt my fault and that my parents might have not known at that times ....

What this did was that it made me stronger that today I will not take the abuse anymore from anyone ,,,, I'm happier and I have dreams that I want to fufill one day...

it was hard to talk about the abuse to my mother but she thanked me over n over with tears in her eyes bcos she knows now that she can be the transitional person now and the abuse stopped with me ...

Unfortunately I took this abuse and shared that with my daughter .... and today I work hard to see what it was and stop the cycle so the abuse stops with Dave ....

My dear friend one day you will see the strength of that little girl and open your wings like a butterfly... Right now you are in the transitional stages .... Stages of growth and learning more about who you are ... Jinn be you not anyone else take time to heal but please do not dweel on things that you cannot change .... change the things you know that is incorrect with you....


Dave

[alpnuk]

Hi Jinnyann

I was also abused when I was a child, and since it stopped I've had periods where I feel like I'm a child again. It's kind of strange and embarrasing. For instance sometimes when I get scared I hide like I did when I was little.
Sounds like you are experiencing some of the same though. I've often wished for my mom to be more "motherly" but I don't think there's a chance for that, I also have times when I really wish that a mother would take care of me or comfort me, I suppose it's cause I never got that. I hate the fact that I can't just take care of myself. I guess I'm just trying to say that I think it's normal, not that I know a lot about these things.

when i was young i was beat so bad with a hair brush my back end bleed. Could not sit for weeks. Other things in my family happened, that like everyone else I like to keep it hidden. Sometimes it causes me great pain to think back. So I really do understand your hurt.
I was neglected somewhat you could say. Ate paint at 2, run over by a car at 4. somewheres in there drank a whole table of whiskey sours. Because no one was watching me.
Sorry this is coming out disjointed as I really have tryed to put it in the past.
I was never the good child always the bad one. Never lived up to everyone expectations. That was theres thou. I lived up to mine. Still hurt thou.
In the end as you know I was the one to take care of them. I am in my heart glad I was able to be with them in their end days. Left me with more issues to deal with, but thats life. My dad was not so nice at the end.
When I was 16 I was abused physically and mentally by a man. This went on for at least 7 years or more. He was a drunk.To this day I can not really take to much yelling, And yes the past follows me. I have tryed to forgive myself first and them last.
As petunia says every now and then it comes back.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone and i understand.
The one thing i have decided is I can not change what happened"wish i could" I can not fix it"wish i could" I can only try to let it go in my head.
Which I know is a hard thing to do..............

did therapy years ago...........it helped

[ECHOES]

yes Jinny, absolutely!

I crave it and it's overpowering during therapy sessions. I want her to comfort me, hold me, rock me. It's wonderful and sad at the same time. And I swear I never wanted it from my mother.

My T knows. Still it's so hard wanting it; we talked about it and she said if she thought it would help me, be therapeutic, she would comfort/hold me, but she doesn't think it would be. It doesn't stop the wanting though.

You could post about this on the psychotherapy board too.

((((( Jinny )))))

I thank you all for your replies. I am still confused, sorry if I'm stupid - I want you all to understand I am trying so hard to let go of the past, that's why I am in therapy. I feel I am doing ok, but I feel also somedays I am not doing ok. I know I can't change the past, I am trying to learn to cope with it and get to the stage where I am not blaming the world, trying to be a better person, less selfish and just want to be a happy, kind and "normal" person. If I hurt people along the way it's not intentional, if I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself I'm really not, I just want to vent and get it all out.

Thankyou for caring and replying, I love you all, appreciate you all and thankyou for your support.

Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

[tsha]

Its all so familiar.
What I have learned is that when something this traumatic happens our brains split to protect us - the emotional side is shutdown. What that leaves us with are the flashbacks and feeling child like at times.
Now we get to experience these emotions as they come up. But because we didn't experience them at the time they are very difficult to manage; they seem to be out of context.
Through our therapy we can understand them and hopefully, put them behind us.

tsha, wow, that is exactly what my t said, about the brain splitting, shutting down etc, thankyou I am so lucky to have you all as friends. I don't know if it's my mum I want maternal love from, I want a 'proper caring' mum, she will never be the person I want her to be, I can't change that ever, I have broken that abusive chain, my t told me (I never abused my kids anyway emotionally or otherwise).If anything she says I've overprotected them, but it's better than the other way!!



by the way, my original post was a bit unclear, I am going through intensive therapy now, for the first time, other councelling just made me worse, this is the first time I'm one to one with a trained psychotherapist.

jin xx

[SunnyInPA]

Jinny,

Please give YOURSELF a big hug....and be proud of yourself for having the strength to focus on the emotional pain -- it's hard work!!!

I just started therapy 5 months ago to deal with a childhood filled with emotional, physical, and sexual abuse...and unfortunately, I'm discovering that it's the emotional abandonment that I struggle with the most as an adult.

Now that my mother is deceased, I find myself grieving the loss of not only a mom, but also the mom that I never had.

I am very proud of you for taking this challenge in your journey, jinny.

((((((((((sunny in PA))))))))))

sorry just saw this, haven't been on for a day! Thankyou so much for your reply, I can't give myself a big hug, wish I could, I'm working on it though!! I am the same, and to be perfectly honest, I too think that rejection and abandonment and never being able to make my parents proud has more of an effect on me than the abuse!!!

My mum knew about the abuse but refused to aknowledge it and put my abuser before me all the time, left me with my dad at weekends when I needed her (it wasn't my dad who sexually abused me)and refused to believe me when I told her her boyfriend was ausing me sexually.
My mum eventually left my dad, he sold the house and I moved into a flat with him. He met a woman and moved in with her, leaving me with no furniture, no money and I was so insecure I didn't trust myself to live on my own, so my mum said I could live with her but never gave me my own key and put me down to everyone. I have no self confidence still and very poor self esteem.
I'm working on it though, it's so hard.
Once again thankyou for replying, I'm sorry this is so long,

Jinnyann xoxoxoxo

[SunnyInPA]

((((jinny))))) back at ya!!!

Hey, I haven't ordered it yet...but, this is a book my t just recently suggested I pick up & read:

Self Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem

by Matthew McKay & Patrick Fanning

If you enjoy reading, maybe it would be helpful for you, too.

thankyou for the advise I will certainly go look next time I'm in town or the library.

Love, Jinny xoxoxxoxo thankyou.

[(JD)]

(((jinnyann))) You are healing.

First you probably felt "not ok" all the time. Now you are feeling "not ok" less. Soon you will feel "not ok" even less of the time. Then, you will feel "ok" much of the time. And finally, you will feel "ok" most of the time. (No one ever feels ok all of the time, remember this. )



That's why they call therapy "work."

((((sky))))

thankyou sky, you are right. I have many more good days now, like you say we all slip sometimes. Wishing you love and hugs

Jinny xoxoxo