his voice won't go away
his touch won't go away
he won't go away unless i just go away
then if i go away
all the pain would go away

doesn't matter how much i bleed
how much i scream
no one will bothering digging grave for me doesn't matter because he doesn't go away until it's all over forever

[free2beme]

you matter to me and all of your friends here

(((((( griffe ))))))))

[pegasus]

(((((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))))

Please don't do anything silly. We all think very much of you here.

It sounds like PTSD going on here, really bad memories of past abuse. I'm sorry you have been through hell my friend but you really won't feel this bad forever.

Keep talking here if you need to, if it helps just to let it all out, I'm here with you.

i'll always feel this bad. always will until i'm over
why do i bother. why do i bother when i am damned to relive this hell over and over like some sadistic punishment
i need it to be over so they'll all go away
then it won't hurt anymore
because i can't do this. i can't. i really can't. it won't matter to people in the long run. it never matters. it's just me
can't stand this won't go away unless i make it go away by going away

[pegasus]

I'm still sitting here with you Griffe, hang on in there my friend. Is there someone in real life you can talk to right now about this?

Take these hugs and sit with me.

can't talk out loud can't too scared
it doesn't matter i want it to go away i want it to stop hurting i want my girlfriend to be here and i want my plushies and my blanket and my music and i want there to be friends and not strangers and bad people and i want them all too stop yelling in my head and go away and stop hurting

[pegasus]

Are you allowed headphones where you are so that you can listen to some music? Can you grab a blankie and comfort the littles Griffe? You are welcome to send me a PM if you would rather talk in private. I'm only here for another half hour though.

Please make me a promise that you will hang on in there, and at least let me know how things are tomorrow. Take it one day at a time.

(((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))

[Blue93]

(((((((((Vince))))))))))
Can you come talk to us in chat when you feel like that?
You can always talk to me on MSN.. Haven't talked to you in like, forever!
Take care,

Blue

ty (( peg ))) (( blue ))
got my earphones last night and lasted the night but wouldn't say i'm feeling any better, i'm in a place i don't want to be, feeling alone, feeling ill, unable to speak, with all sorts of ****ed up things going on in my life
yeh, i could go into chat, but i annoy people enough as it is, anything i say will be ridiculed anyways because i'm an idiot
just keep wondering why i bother, this life doesn't get any better, this world doesn't get any better, things just keep getting worse and worse and just when i think i have reached rock bottom, when i think i can't go through anymore pain or torture, something else happens
things keep killing me, getting worse, getting rougher
i just don't like living this, i want it to go away, and it seems there's one way to make it go away

[pegasus]

((((( Griffe )))))

Thanks for posting. I'm glad you used your headphones to get through last night. Use them again if you have to.

I can't get into chat at this time of night because my internet connection is crappy and I just get booted out. But you know you can go to support chat, no one will think you are an idiot.

You are welcome to PM me or go in the games forum and distract yourself for a bit. I know it seems pointless playing computer games and such but distractions can be very useful for PTSD.

I'm sorry life is dealing you so much right now but hang on in there, it will get better.

ty ((((( pegasus )))))

i got my ear-phones in, my music loud, my hyena plush close and i'll try to distract without using support chat, always feel like i'm bothering folks in there. just keep trying to last, this is no way to live, hanging on is too tiring and i lost my energy a long time ago

[Blue93]

you are never bothering us... no way! We love to see you in chat again even if it's not often! ((((((((((((vince))))))))))))))))) take it one hour by hour ... or minute by minute if you have to... You can do it Vince!

had a ****ed up night, it's been a ****** morning. i haven't seen my own kids in too long, triggered, bunch of **** happening

holding on, holding on, it's just too much. things started to look like they were going to get better but then it's just too painful and it always gets worse and worse. is it bad that i start to look forward to the day it's all over? i'm too weak for this.

[cantstopcrying]

(((((((((((griffe))))))))))))) When it feels like you can't hold on any longer, that's when you tighten your grip and lean to your left or right--we'll be there for you to lean on.

Look back to the statement that things started to look like they would get better---that's very important. There is hope in that statement. Things will. Remember some techniques to distract, the headphones and plushies and such. Can Kate email you a recent pic of your kids? It is so good to see in games, though we still miss you in thread war, and if you think you're going to stay away until the very last and the snap up that crown....you may be right! Vince, please remember how much you are loved, how important you are.

i tried distracting. i posted in games, i listened to music, but nothing works right now. it's gotten worse, these past days. i know why it's gotten worse but why never matters when it is worse.

i know i sound so self-pitying and whiny in this thread but i try distracting, i try getting better and nothing helps, nothing works. i'm stuck in this painful, rotten existence and it is too painful. **** keeps happening, bad things keep happening. i was supposed to get a break and it never comes.

pictures aren't the same. i fail as a father.

i just lost my will. sometimes i have that will, that will to live, but how can i keep my spirits high when my world keeps crashing down, how can i hold onto a will to love when i am a wounded, bloodied animal stuck in a hunter's trap and tired of being used, over and over again. sometimes i just want to be put out of my misery so bad. i just want the hunter to come and end it. when it comes down to it i am not important, my positive impact on people's lives is minimal, and i guess i'm selfish in a way- i just need my pain to stop and death is like a cure all to me.

sorry to write this here, don't have anywhere else to write this or say this i guess. and so i still listen to my music and hold my plushies but this has been going on for too long and i hate it.

[cantstopcrying]

I know pictures aren't the same, I'm sorry. But with pictures you can use them as a focal point, a distraction. You are far from a failure as a father. You are an idol. Someone who is so determined to feel better he even fights himself on it--not fully understanding why you are still here but trying to feel better despite it being so hard. What better role model for childrento have. Unfortunately that's the one normalacy in your life that has been far from "normal"--the fact that life goes good and bad and back again. We all experience it, you are much more sensitive to it as you have had so much bad, to put it lightly.

I know you think your positive impact has been minimal, but to agree with that would be to agree that I am minimal, Blue is minimal, Kate and the kids and Peg and muffy and kaika and free and every single other person on here who loves you is minimal. I just can't do that. I know you aren't saying we are minimal, you are saying your impact is, but your impact has helped form us in some way, our thoughts, our memories, our ideas. That's pretty big.

Oh Vince, if only there were a way to make the healing process quick and painless, I would be the first to give to you. I see progress in your words, progress from before you left to now. The pain is still there, but there is a new hope or desire.

[pegasus]

(((((((( Griffe ))))))))

No need for sorry. Distractions can help but they don't deal with the issues. You really need therapy to go through it all. I wish I could sit with you. I don't know, you might find it helpful to write it all out in a journal or diary.

[Blue93]

((((((((((((vince)))))))))))))))))) I have no words to make it right, or even easier... Just will keep reminding you I care.... We care.....

Blue

[melissa1202]

I'm new hear but was stunned by this thread. Are you saying that hearing from these people who care so much that add to your post that there is no hope for any of us. I live with his voice in my head and feel his touch all day everyday. I cringe when hugged by someone who truly loves me everytime. I came on here to get support and to give support. Please tell me there is hope here not like the rest of the world where people don't want to understand. Please tell me that this place had helped some and that we are not wasting our time. I need to hear this from you and only you. I need you to tell me that there is hope that there is someone out there that understands, please I beg you, please help me.

i don't know what you're getting at but what i write in my threads, always only refers to me. i don't know you or your background. i'm in a bad place and this is where i come to vent and express how i feel. there's hope for other people, yes, but these are my personal views of myself and no one else. i'm not really sure of what you're asking, melissa.

[multipixie9]

Tonite i really know just what you mean griffe. It hurts me so bad and no one sees.

I've come too far to really harm myself - physically at least. It is all the invisible pain in places no one sees or cares about.

The harm is already done and all it takes is the rewind button to send the agony all over me again.

Griffe, if you hurt yourself it will hurt me too and you matter. I'm so tired. So tired.

Griffe, try to listen to the people who say kind things to you. It doesn't feel like enough on some days and worse nights, but it is something. We don't have to tell you anything at all and we do because we know something about the pain and the best revenge is getting well.

Ironic isin't, i write in to ***** and moan and try to help you. Damned ironic. Listen to me because i'm right not because i'm demanding you live. Don't let the bastards win. **** them all and get well and live almost always happily ever after.

Someday they really will reap what they sowed in our lives and i don't actually want to see it when they do. It will be beyond understanding but they will know what and why they experience justice.

Leslie's cynical ***** side, nice to meet you griffe - you probably won't see me very often. She really doesn't like me she just needs me when she needs a backbone.

[melissa1202]

I'm so sorry for what your going through. And for the post I made yesterday. It was selfish of me, very. Please don't give up. Your posts touched me and for that I thank you. Please forgive me for sounding so dum and insensitive.

[multipixie9]

Melissa, i honestly don't remember you being that way. I think you are being too hard on yourself. I appreciated your response as I was having an awful night. It takes courage to apologise, not enough are as brave as you. I appreciate your sensitive conscience.

Thanks for the support. my pm box is open and i do not mind listening.

Hang in there,

Leslie and her Pixies

it's okay melissa, don't worry, you didn't do any wrong. i was just a little confused.

i know getting better would be a good revenge, but it's hard. i have my doctor on my back today, my therapist on my back, and another day ahead of me. it's always a struggle.

memories come back, yelling and whispers in my head, feeling those vile sick dirty hands all over me. life is too unfair. i wish i was blind to my own pain so i could be naive and optimistic but i can't be. i look in the mirror and i hate who i am, what they made me.

i just tell myself one day this will be made right, one day it'll be okay, but i have to ask myself why i lie to myself, and who am i kidding when i try to pretend i'm alright.

thanks for all the replies i've received. you all help.