Married to a meth addict

Hello everyone. I am 41, married to a meth addict -- who is currently in rehab. He's 26. Yes, big age differance! We have a 15 month old daughter and I have a 10 year old daughter from my 1st marriage. I love him dearly -- but he's got a bad addiction. We're trying to stay married. I'm a Christian.

We met in 2005 -- at a bar no less. Anyway, I soon found out he had not stopped doing meth like he told me. I'd never done the stuff -- but evidently his younger crowd love it. So, the chaos ensued. I was so crazy about him and he would talk his way back into my life after the fights we would have when he was high on meth. But, his use got worse. And, his violence got worse. I found out I was pg in July 2006. He was on a major binge and I kicked him out. He went to rehab August 2006. He got out in October - we married November. It was great. For about 5 months. Then he started drinking, smoking pot and eventually doing meth. I filed for divorce September 2007. He talked me into dismissing it January 2008. His use continued.

I got 4 TPO's on him from September 2007 until March 2008. The last one was in February 2008 and I went to court on it. He had talked me out of the other 3 -- only to use again and get crazy again. So, this last one is for a year. March 2008-March 2009. I basically told him I was divorcing him.

Well, he went to rehab on May 9th. Ofcourse he is back to his wonderful self that I fell madly in love with. But, I have told him -- I'm not dropping the TPO and he needs to do more than 6 weeks (that's what this in patient program is for). He needs to do 6 months somewhere after this program.

So, that's where I'm at with him right now. He sucks me back in EVERY time. And, this time I want to be sure he's better before dropping the TPO, having him move back in, etc. My ex-husband doesn't want our 10 year old around him (understandly so). Which Brett cannot comprehend. So, I honestly do not know what is going to happen.

Just looking for others to talk to and get some support.

Susan

Hi Susan and welcome...

Meth is one of the most difficult addictions to overcome and it causes massive physical, mental and emotional damage to the user. It is also a tornado to relationships.

I commend you and your X husband's concern regarding the children...a meth addict in the depths of his addiction is no pretty site and can dissassociate,,similar to blackouts while drinking. In these episodes "anything" is possible and generally "anything" doesn't reflect good things...

It is good that you are setting boundaries. I would think that encourageing phone calls could be safely accepted in his first six months while he works on being clean and sober...then a gradual process of revisiting some physical visits as he continues to build time.

But you must be prepared for relapse,,,it is part of recovery for this addiction. Preparation must include safety for you and your children,,,so set visitation to small periods where you are not alone...

Then build trust over time...if he is committed and willing,,then he has a chance,,,if not then his denial will bring him back to his drug.

Please take care...

IMHO.

Lenny

Oh, trust me --- I know all about the actions of a meth user when they're high. And, it will not be tolerated in my home anymore. He knows that.

I think we have a long road to hoe.

Thanks for the advice. So true.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt!

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gamommy said:
anymore

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Then you have had a crisp thought...because your own needs have allowed your denial to accept this behavior...

Chances are he will not change,,,but you can...

I wish you all the very best...

Lenny

Wow -- real positive outlook there!

Being married to any kind of addict is hard. Lenny is right your first priority is to yourself and your kids. Demanding a period of clean time as a condition of getting back together is smart and self preserving.

I know it's more for partners of alcoholics but have you ever considered attending an Alanon meeting? I've never been to one myself, but I've heard really good things about it in terms of getting support from other people whose loved ones suffer from alcoholism and learning to deal with it.

Good luck to you.

---splitimage

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gamommy said:
Wow -- real positive outlook there!

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I'm sorry you see it that way gamommy...really I am.

If you have read my profile I have been graced with a few days of sobriety. One of the most difficult aspects of long term sobriety are the many funerals I attend. There are simply far more victims of addiction then there are miracles...I wish with all my heart that the reality was different but it is simply not.

So,,when I work with familes of the addicted, I give them the Truth,,,not some silly dressed up version of what they might wish to hear. I have seen miracles,,many of them and am astonished, gratefull and re-energized each time...but then the reality of addiction strikes me again as I attend the finality of someone who has left a family angry and bewildered...

I am sorry if I seem insensitive,,,but in this case,,as in many that I have been involved with that include children,,,please put them and you on the top of any list of considerations...believe it or not that is the greatest gift you can give him...

IMHO.

Lenny

Um........two things really................

I think I agree with Split - see if you can find an al-anon meeting. I found out that it sure does make it easier if you have a little tag team support group behind you. These meetings are great for helping you learn how to live your life. And I don't mean that without him in it. I just mean.......living your life.

Also, can I suggest a book that you may want to pick up? It's called CoDependent No More by Melanie Beattie.

Its a real eye opener and a good insight how to take care of ourselves and stop worrying about other people. As a person who has been in your situation...........we always hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Stop preparing, stop hoping, and go on with your life. Sorry to say that but the only thing that can clean him up is HIMSELF.

You can't help him or force him. I know, I know, and I MEAN I KNOW, you really really want to. It is the hardest thing in the world to realize that someone we love keeps doing this to US!!!!!! When, in reality, we are letting them do it to us.

It is hard to let go. I know. I'm there in that limbo right now trying to let go of that damn rope. It's hard and it does not happen overnight.

And may I say what I mean by "letting go" is not "giving up" it is learning to go on with YOU and TAKE CARE of you, dumping his problems in his lap (where they should be) and saying "It's up to you".

If you get a chance, pick up that book. You can find it cheap on half.com

I hope everything works out for you. I've heard meth is one of the hardest addictions to rehabilitate. Even those that stay sober over 2 years lapse..................dear god, I feel grateful that I never touched the stuff.

I agree with Lenny in the kind of "save yourself" theory. HOWEVER, I think the world is a big place. And I think it is up to each individual to chose their limits. Just as nobody can MAKE the addict rehabilitate.......nobody can TELL YOU when it is time to let go. That's up to you.

I give you big hugs and wish you all the strength in the world, I know it's hard.

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW! I don't know how I logged in as a guest but I did!!!! That post above is from ME - StarPonysMama! LOL

SORRY Don't know what happened!

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ravyn said:
HOWEVER, I think the world is a big place. And I think it is up to each individual to chose their limits. Just as nobody can MAKE the addict rehabilitate.......nobody can TELL YOU when it is time to let go. That's up to you.


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Hi ravyn and welcome to PC...

I agree with your premise but feel that when a person becomes a parent some of this freedom of choosing for oneself is diminished by the responsibilites associated with caring for someone who cannot yet care for themself...In this particular case we cannot reasonably expect an unrecovered Meth addict to make prudent protective decisions relative to these children.

IMHO.

Lenny

Lenny,

I did this post earlier - not sure how I logged on as a guest.

Yes I agree that becoming a parent gives you the responsibility of not only making decisions for yourself BUT for the children.

BUT - It is still up to her to make the decision to leave. Making the decision to not allow him to be in the house with the children is a separate decision.

I am talking about her letting go............nobody can tell her when to do that .............. children or not.

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StarPonysMama said:

I am talking about her letting go............nobody can tell her when to do that .............. children or not.

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If your speaking of the emotional process,,,sure star...no doubt..no one has the right or the ability to make that happen for anyone.

But I'm not sure of the distinction within the pragmatic realities of addiction. The odds of recovering,,in general, from addiction are 1 in 50,,and that is being generous. The odds fluctuate drastically relative to specific substances.

So,,,when the safety and future of a child is in the hands of a non addicted parent, that parent for better or worse should do their best to leave the illusions behind and deal with actions and not words...

The best of intentions are only that and in my humble experience,,trying is lying...you either do or you don't and leaving the destinies of young innocent souls on the direction of the wind is an unnecessary and dangerous risk...

Statistics are cold depictions of results,,,they don't include hope. That I concurr. But statistics are also very indicative of behavior and that is where the danger lies for those who can't defend against it...

We probably are agreeing here star...so please forgive this unfocused passion from a man who has buried far too many friends...

I'm sorry.

Lennyi

Thanks for the post girlfriend. I have the book - and many others. I'm quite familiar with codependency. I know my issues well - just time to address them - again. I was married to an alcoholic the 1st time -- this time to a meth addict. Common denominator - I'm attracted to addicts. I'm very codependent.

Lenny - have no fear - my children and their emotional/physical well being are first and foremost in my life. Except for my faith in God. They are well taken care of and have never been exposed to any of his meth craziness. I was the lucky one he saved all that for.

There were nights I asked my parents to keep the baby becasue I knew what was waiting for me at home. And, he has never acted out around my 10 year old. In fact - she loves him to death and doesn't understand why I kicked him out.

I was really just looking for support here and not judgement on my decision to stay or leave him. No offense Lenny.

Lenny....where do you get your stats from by the way? Just curious.

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gamommy said:

I was really just looking for support here and not judgement on my decision to stay or leave him. No offense Lenny.


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No offense taken,,my ego is not attached to your pain...

If you saw judgement in any of my words then again I'm sorry. Judgement means ego and ego is fear. I am no longer afraid of addiction but I do give it the respect it has earned through it's destruction. I don't believe I ever suggested you leave him...my advice centered upon safety, boundaries and protection.

This web site is a good place to start concerning statistics and it is worth reading in general...I have also worked within the industry and most of us are humbled greatly by our profession's challenges.

http://www.spiritualriver.com/how-to...relapse-rates/

Lenny

That website still didn't really give me any concrete information regarding statistics. Other than numbers regarding sobriety can't really be taken too seriously.

You said 1 in 50 --- where do you get that from? Your own personal experience? Forgive me for asking alot of questions. Are you an addictions counselor?

I post on another board and there is a licensed addictions counselor who posts there and he has told me that where he works - the statistics are much higher than what you often read.

I was the director of a widely know rehabilitation center in the Northeast. Our focus was/is on alcohol but there are few "pure" alcoholics in our society though alcohol does remain the drug of choice for most addicts.

Statistics are extremely skewed for many reasons,,ie...lost contact with patients/follow up care and feedback on relapse,,many relapsers will not re enter the same facility. Marketing statistics often distort success rates for obvious reasons and of course,,, shame which is one of the engines of addiction..people simply don't report the Truth.

However social workers, addiction professionals and those in recovery for extended periods of time are intimate with the real relative rates of recovery from addictions. For instance,,many groups of AA and NA keep a visiable board that records anniversary dates. Just looking at the board depicts the drop off rate of those who remain in recovery. It is a sad graphic but yet with it's glimmer of points of light in an otherwise dark sky...Though I am involved with hundreds of folks in recovery I have less than a handfull of associates with sobriety over ten years and fewer still at 15 and beyond. Like a diabetic,,I have a lifetime disease and without proper management it will kill me...because it wants to...

A worthwhile question to your freind would be how many folks does he/she know with over 10 years clean and sober from any drug? Have him/her compare that with his total exposure and a simple reality appears..

Recovery is possible with humility, willingness, self honesty, comittment and a long term consistent effort to change. This collection of traits within the psyche of the addicted is rare.

IMHO.

Lenny

Hi gamommy...I have read through the posts and it sounds like you are on the right track...and it is not going to be easy for you. Us addicts can be a real pain in the butt. Some of the things we do to the ones we love are...unforgivable. It takes a strong person like you to forgive. I wonder if he realizes just how lucky he is to have you in his life--it sounds like you are taking care of yourself and your kids, but are in his corner too. Thats a tough place to be. My thoughts are with you...and I am sorry you are going through this. I admire your compassion. Keep writing....we are here to listen.

Ha! I'm attracted to addicts too! NO DOUBT. Think it has a lot to do with my upbringing and being around it my whole life.

Statistics v. Life

It's a tough division.

I think you have to do what makes you feel best in life. I hope everything works out for you! And as DepressMe said, he is very lucky to have you! I have genuine empathy for you and your situation. Feel free to PM me anytime - or on my myspace page.

Take Care

Sorry, let me correct myself.

statistics v. matters of the heart

Very tough crossroad!

Good luck again!

well being married to a addict is never easy but keep up with your positive attitude and u shall both succeed

I was addicted to meth from the time I as 16 till I was 21. Did it everyday only taking a break after a four day binge. It went off and on like that for 5 years. The whole time I was on it I pushed away everyone I loved because of my insolence. I lost my son. I met my husband and he made me get it together. Meth is the devil. It makes people into someone they're not. And I know you love him, but he does not need to be around kids. When you have been up so long on meth, your perceptions get distorted and you go temporarily insane from lack of sleep and the drug. You have no control over yourself. I will keep you all n my prayers.

I really don't know if I can be of any help to you gamommy. Slightly different circumstances, but close enough that I understand.

My brothers were heroin addicts. The emphasis is on the word were. They have since passed on to the "other side of life," both deaths were drug related.

I know you are aware that you can't wish anyone clean. Trust me, I tried. For twenty something years all I ever did was wish for it. When I was a young girl of twelve I would cry and beg them not to stick that needle in their arms.

They were also in and out of rehab, though they never stayed clean.

If you'd like to talk privately, I extend the offer to PM.

i mostly noticed your great faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. its hard cuz ive been in a similar situation in my marriage & i would ask for advice from everyone i guess just to vent & trying to find someone with miracle advice. finally i just let go & prayed for my husband. i would drive myself crazy trying to fix him & threatening to leave or divorce. i know being a christian u take vows very seriously but the most common thread of everyones advice is that God doesnt want u to be so unhappy & in bondage to a miserable situation. in my situation im also an addict. im an alcoholic--if i take a drink i cant quit. i was sober from everything from 25-30 (im now 34) & during those 5 years was when i drove myself crazy trying to fix him. when i seriously lived for the Lord & let go & let God deal with him is when i actually had peace. as far as the meth goes its rampant where i live & ive watched my brother go on the meth binges & what it does. also with many others where i live. either dead or look like walking dead with no teeth & sunken in face like they are 80 instead of 45 or in jail. i think my brothers long stints in jail is whats kept him from looking like that---i think God puts him there cuz he has other plans for him. well as for us im 34 & hubby is 46 & together weve struggled with crack habit. i pray every day God helps us & gives us strength not to do it anymore--I know He is. we have a girl almost 11 & a girl almost a year old so our kids ages are similar. right now im realizing that im gonna have to say no even if my husband does not just like before only now im older a little more wiser & am a good mother to baby unlike with 10 year old when i was 23 & an alcoholic mess. it took me the whole year of 1999 to get off the booze. i had the 5 years of sobriety & then a couple of drinking relapses. havent drank since march of 07 but have still given in to the crack. your husband is still at that young age & its so hard to tell when he will take sobriety seriously. of course i know crackheads around here who are up there in age that still chase after the stuff. i will just pray 4 u & your family cuz its hard when you are outside on the internet & u dont actually know the person. i know from experience u have to wanna completely be serious about sobriety ditching old people places triggers. its not easy. like i read somewhere else theres alot more casualties of addiction than miracles. i know cuz where i live there have been soooo many deaths just in the past 5 years where people in the prime of their lives drank pill popped smoked whatever overdosed died in car wrecks being blown out of their mind all of them dead & such a waste. every time my brother goes to jail atleast 2 of his druggie buddies die. sorry i went off in this direction & that im just passionate about knowing what all this stuff does & also passionate about our Lord & the grace & mercy He has shown me & my brother & family thru all this. Praise God forever !!!